If Cait Sith ever introduces himself as "I'm Cait Sith", I honestly don't see any alternative to "Not A Spy". Also, I PRAY Squall has a date with Loaf. Yeah, it's possible. Dunno whether you can have one with Red XIII too... Nope, only Aerith, Tifa, Yuffie, and Barret... of which I prefer the latter two. Spoiler: show spoiler hide spoiler Yuffie slapping Cloud and Barret effectively calling him a paedophile? Much better than "I want to meet... you." and ".....".

The problem is you only get the Barret date if you don't have Yuffie, so that's already out the window. But really, you have to be a complete and total jackass to Aeris and Tifa, too. Meaning you don't buy Aeris' flowers, never say anything nice to Tifa, never have either in your party, etc. So that's also something I didn't do. In fact I've been pretty nice to both of them. Even the Slum Drunk option which I chose was nullified by a technical difficulty resulting in me having to load an older save and replay the scene again. So it's sort of up in the air on who it'll be. Probably Tifa though since I've had her in my party a bit. Looking back I probably should have tried to get the Yuffie date just because a lot of people haven't seen it, and going on a date with Jailbait just sounds appropriate for some reason.

The problem is you only get the Barret date if you don't have Yuffie, so that's already out the window. But really, you have to be a complete and total jackass to Aeris and Tifa, too. Meaning you don't buy Aeris' flowers, never say anything nice to Tifa, never have either in your party, etc. So that's also something I didn't do. In fact I've been pretty nice to both of them. Even the Slum Drunk option which I chose was nullified by a technical difficulty resulting in me having to load an older save and replay the scene again. So it's sort of up in the air on who it'll be. Probably Tifa though since I've had her in my party a bit. Looking back I probably should have tried to get the Yuffie date just because a lot of people haven't seen it, and going on a date with Jailbait just sounds appropriate for some reason. Love points don't go up when you have someone in your party, nor do they go up if they are in battle with you. I've actually seen the code for this. It's all dialog branches in the the fieldscript. BUT... There is code in the battle script to allow for love point manipulation, however, it's not used.

The problem is you only get the Barret date if you don't have Yuffie, so that's already out the window. But really, you have to be a complete and total jackass to Aeris and Tifa, too. Meaning you don't buy Aeris' flowers, never say anything nice to Tifa, never have either in your party, etc. So that's also something I didn't do. In fact I've been pretty nice to both of them. Even the Slum Drunk option which I chose was nullified by a technical difficulty resulting in me having to load an older save and replay the scene again. So it's sort of up in the air on who it'll be. Probably Tifa though since I've had her in my party a bit. Looking back I probably should have tried to get the Yuffie date just because a lot of people haven't seen it, and going on a date with Jailbait just sounds appropriate for some reason. Love points don't go up when you have someone in your party, nor do they go up if they are in battle with you. I've actually seen the code for this. It's all dialog branches in the the fieldscript. BUT... There is code in the battle script to allow for love point manipulation, however, it's not used. Actually, that's not entirely true, as picking any of those four at certain points where you're prompted to choose will give a minor increase to their love points; although, granted, you can then swap them out straight away and it won't change a thing. Of course, there's still exploits here and there... there's one for Yuffie, although you may need a fair bit of gil to counter the fact that she keeps stealing it. I'm certain there's one for another character, but I forget who and how, although I think it's to do with another prompt that you can keep choosing over and over.

I just noticed that I did, in fact, miss the Hojo on the beach conversation, so here it is in case you're wondering, since it does have a bit of foreshadowing. It's worded pretty poorly. Translation, ho!: Spoiler: show spoiler hide spoiler Squall Is that Hojo? "(What's his problem?)" "Yes, that's right. It's the Professor!" "Professor... someone's here to see you, sir." <//> Hojo "I'm busy right now." ".....But. Too bad." Hojo "Oh, I remember you all now." "Yes, yes. I remember now." (Hojo sits up) Hojo "It's been a long time, Squall." Squall "Hojo....." Hojo "Sometimes you just gotta do something like this." Squall "....What are you doing?" Hojo "It should be obvious. I'm getting a tan." Squall "Answer me!" Hojo "Hmm! I believe we're both after the same goal." Squall "You mean Sephiroth?" Hojo "Did you see him?" "I see..... Ha! Ha!" (He stands up) Squall "What is it?" Hojo "Nothing. I just remembered a certain hypothesis......." "Haven't you ever had the feeling something is calling you?" "Or that you had to visit some place?......" Squall "I'll go anywhere Sephiroth is at!" "To beat him and put an end to all this!" Hojo "I see...... This could be interesting." "Were you in SOLDIER? ....Heh heh heh! Would you like to be my guinea pig?" (Squall draws his sword) Hojo "Oh, now what? Are you going to draw your sword?" Lockheart "Stop, Squall! I know how you feel, but you mustn't." (He puts it away) Hojo "Ha! Ha! Ha!...." (He gets off his beach chair and looks at Mary Sue) Hojo "Say, aren't you the 'Ancient?'" Mary Sue "I'm Mary Sue. The least you can do is remember my name." "I want you to tell me something, Professor Hojo....." "I know I'm an Ancient. My mother told me." Hojo "Your mother? Oh, you mean Ifalna. How is she?" Mary Sue "You didn't know? She died." (He looks away) Hojo "......I see." Mary Sue "Professor Hojo...." "Is Jenova an Ancient? Is Sephiroth an Ancient? Do we all have the same blood?" Hojo "......mumble....mumble..... head west...." Mary Sue "He's mumbling slowly.... That must mean he's hiding something!" (Hojo gets back on his beach chair) Hojo "................." Lockheart "Hey! Answer us!!" (He is silent) Squall ".......It's no use. It's no go."

And the next update is probably going to be a day or so late again because I did something extremely dumb that I don't want to admit to. However, I will say that it's a good thing I keep an extra save at the beginning of each section for such reasons.

Part 11: Outlook Not So Good Spoiler: show spoiler hide spoiler So this is Gold Saucer, the Disney World of Planet That Might Be Called Earth Because There Are Some References To Earth Like Earth Materia But Normally It’s Just Called The Planet. Tickets are understandably expensive. You can also buy a lifetime pass for ten times the amount. They also have this convoluted Gold Saucer Only money system that you get by winning games… which you play by paying money. So essentially you’re paying money to get money that you can only use here. Awesome. And like any money grubbing theme park, you have to use their special money to do… anything. ‘Okay guys, because I’m cheap as fuck, no one gets to use the restroom the whole time we’re here. Hope you didn’t drink a lot of beer at the beach.’ Loaf was just reminded about how his wife and town burned to dust and Mary is acting like a demented schoolgirl. If you haven’t wanted to smack her around yet, you’re probably reaching that point now. Yes, let us continue to infuriate the large black man with a gun grafted onto his arm. Loaf understandably runs off in a huff. The whole team stares at Mary dubiously. ‘I dub thee Lady Mary, Princess of Perception, Queen of the Obvious, MISTRESS OF THE MORONS.’ Why? Why are we even here? What possible reason would Sephiroth have for coming here? This is the part where I imagine Sephiroth desperately trying to play Whack-A-Mole with his freakishly long sword. “The time… has come, Moles…” So we follow Loaf into the weird tube and we come out here. Instead we’re greeted by some other fat thing claiming to be able to read our fortunes. ‘Not A Spy, huh? Well, I’m Not A Cucumber and this here is Not A Fully Developed But Still Delicious Woman.’ After doing this queer little dance, he produces us a “fortune.” This is perhaps the only time the lousy translation works in the game’s favor. Sounds like a real fortune! Not A Spy claims to have messed up and tries again. DAMN IT, SQUALL. BE CAREFUL. ‘Something dear? I don’t hold shit dea- Wait, not my autographed photo of Clay Aiken! This is the worst fortune ever!!’ ‘What the fuck? No.’ He does anyways. So, now a cat riding a fat stuffed toy has clung to my party for no specific reason. This is clearly not suspicious at all. So up the steps are a couple of game rooms. This update has a lot of shots so I didn’t really consider them worthy of including. They’re all extremely mediocre games. Like a basketball game where the basketball seems to have the physical properties of a large, orange-painted rock. A game where I arm wrestle a torso. A claw grasper game which, just like real life, never gives you shit. A bike game that’s basically just a replay of the Midgar escape. A Mog dating sim… and another fortune telling machine. This one thankfully not being sentient and forcing its way into my party. The fortunes are even more worthless, though. Not bad general advice though. I certainly will try to use caution in my relationship with Mary so I do not get any of her STD infected blood on me when I stab her in the tits for continuing to be a stupid whorebagel. We head to the Battle Square where we find a dead guard. Ominous! Sephiroth also seems to be walking on foot to every conceivable place on the Planet, so obviously efficiency isn’t something he has any interest in. ‘Damn it, Loaf. If you had to go on a shooting spree, Mary was right there.’ ‘Me? Use a gun? Poppycock!’ A bloodstained hole labeled “Gateway to Heaven.” Consider me cynical, but I am not inclined to believe such a claim. No Stairway? Denied! ‘Well… What a drag. Alright well, since we’re already in jail, get over here Jailbait. Not A Spy, hold the camera.’ ‘This is now my fort. No girls allowed. I just sprayed for cooties.’ ‘…If you don’t shut your whore mouth, your line will soon be “Please stop beating my face and kicking my cooter, Squall.”’ Hey, all right. Information that would have been more useful an hour ago. Also, “inta”? What the fuck? You mean… that village being incinerated right there?... Then yes indeed, everyone is waiting… and also on fire. Wow, really? You mean that orange glow in the distance with the billowing smoke? Yes, let’s get right on that. The group of soldiers can’t hit Dyne and Loaf for shit, which is beyond impressive considering what a big target the latter is, so Scarlet kicks the crap out of one and takes his gun. We’re then given the cliché “hanging over a cliff” scene. I hope you like them extra crispy. This is where it would be helpful if I could make gifs but the bullets trail along the side and shoot them both in the arm. Oh noes! Dyne: ‘Loaf! Do you think they’ll have coal in heaveeeeennnn?!’ ‘Though they didn’t stop at his arm. Let’s jes’ say that if I’m now the “Six Million Dollar Man” he’s now “The Bionic Woman.”’ So, basically Dyne is alive for no discernable reason. But if Squall could fall a mile onto some flowers and live, there very well could have been a pile of fucking dandelions at the bottom of that crevice for Dyne. The fuck is going on? Not only does the remainder of Loaf’s village hate him for no reason, so does Dyne, who went through the exact same situation as Loaf. WHY ARE YOU GIVING INTO THIS? YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. AGHH. Okay, I suppose Dyne feels he has reason to hate Loaf since he was agreeing, like the others, to work with Shinra which ended up being a bad move, but given their situation, they honestly couldn’t have known that things were going to end up that way. Loaf still had the best interests of the village in mind. Okay… It seems like Dyne had simply gone insane over the years, which also somewhat explains his hatred for Loaf since he seems to hate everything. Nonetheless, it’s all still a pretty baseless “rivalry.” Shocking Twist! Marlene is Dyne’s daughter! ‘And mixing margaritas at a 12th grade level!’ ‘Kill.. Marlene? LOAF SMASH!’ The part of Dyne will now be played by Bruce Campbell. There’s really nothing to say about this fight at all. Dyne has a measly 1200 hit points and 3 mediocre attacks. Dyne: ‘This... is my… BOOMSTICK!’ Yes, suicide that way. Because falling off a cliff was so very fatal the first time. ‘Oh god, there he goes again… What do I say? Uh.. Chill, Loaf… Let’s go back to the prison and get a soda pop.’ I omitted it, but there was a bit of talk about how the only way to get out of the prison was to get permission from “The Boss” first, then win a chocobo race. Well, apparently The Boss was Dyne, whose amulet for Marlene which also serves as his proof here. But it begs the question: Who shot the people in Gold Saucer? It’s somewhat implied that Dyne did it, but it sort of seemed like he had been down in the prison for a while now, especially if they’re calling him Boss. Did he randomly decide to go back up, shoot a bunch of people and go back down? How would he do this without being seen? Maybe I’m missing something. My theory is that Dyne somehow heard Loaf had arrived at the saucer and decided to frame him. Anyways, we got proof from Dyne but now we need to win the race. It’s left up to Squall, naturally. ‘Hey Joe, where’s the other 3/4ths of your barbershop quartet?’ The race is a bit silly. It was rather hard to control with the keyboard, and the energy regeneration keypress doesn’t seem to work, which means if I ever have any intention of winning in the future, it might be difficult. I really don’t plan on doing a lot of side stuff though since this is going to take long enough already. Ronnie James Dio apologizes through means of this letter. ‘Oop, hold on a moment, my Pussyphone is ringing. Lockheart and Jailbait must have been so impressed with my win that they agreed to a threesome.’ Fucking hell. ‘Thank you, Dumbshit. You may ‘cease’ talking like a ‘retard’ now.’ The letter continues with this little tidbit of information. I’m guessing Dio was spared in this “meeting” because Sephiroth strikes me as a Sabbath fan. ‘Yes, I’ll go get the autograph of the man who burned my hometown, ruined my life and worst of all, murdered President George. Splendid idea, fucktard.’ I half expect to shoot off into space or become part of a giant Japanese robot driving this thing. Well, I guess it’s off toward Gongaga!

I love this thread. Keep it up. Also, I always wondered why Gold Saucer was so full of money. It's about impossible to get to, you have to hike five miles across derelict train tracks, wander through a junkyard filled with irate refugees and once you get there, there is a possibility of being thrown into a prison in the middle of the desert.

I love this thread. Keep it up. Also, I always wondered why Gold Saucer was so full of money. It's about impossible to get to, you have to hike five miles across derelict train tracks, wander through a junkyard filled with irate refugees and once you get there, there is a possibility of being thrown into a prison in the middle of the desert. Shinra built it. Need I say more? I think you still have a shot at getting the Yuffie date, since picking her both times at the Gold Saucer adds points in her favour... and you missed out the "beat-em-up that cheats the further you get through it, until you reach an undeafetable enemy who blocks everything." Also, on my current playthrough, I was imagining Aerith doing Dr. Evil finger motions whilst saying 'rivers' and 'deserts'.

The way this Let's Play is going, it'll be hilarious once Sephiroth tries to make Cloud kill Aerith. ...maybe, in that scene, Sephiroth tries to make Cloud stop instead...? Anyway, awesome thread.

Are you trying to get the Barret date? I've never seen it.

This is an excellent Let's play. Keep up the good work. I have also learned a few things about FFVII from this thread, I thought I knew most of it though .

I love this thread. Keep it up. Also, I always wondered why Gold Saucer was so full of money. It's about impossible to get to, you have to hike five miles across derelict train tracks, wander through a junkyard filled with irate refugees and once you get there, there is a possibility of being thrown into a prison in the middle of the desert. Yeah I was actually going to mention that but I forgot. The only justification I can think of is that it's the only place in the whole world to go for that sort of entertainment. And no, I can't get the Barret date since you can only get it if you don't have Yuffie. And from what I've heard about the whole "Love Point" system, you basically can't do anything nice for Aeris or Tifa at all, and I bought Aeris' flower and gave it to Tifa at the start.

So much venom directed at poor Aeris.

I love this thread. Keep it up. Also, I always wondered why Gold Saucer was so full of money. It's about impossible to get to, you have to hike five miles across derelict train tracks, wander through a junkyard filled with irate refugees and once you get there, there is a possibility of being thrown into a prison in the middle of the desert. Yeah I was actually going to mention that but I forgot. The only justification I can think of is that it's the only place in the whole world to go for that sort of entertainment. And no, I can't get the Barret date since you can only get it if you don't have Yuffie. And from what I've heard about the whole "Love Point" system, you basically can't do anything nice for Aeris or Tifa at all, and I bought Aeris' flower and gave it to Tifa at the start. I managed to get away with that, although it took some trickery... minor things like picking Red, Barret, and Aerith in that order when imprisoned, saying "I dunno" to them on the ship, talking to two NPCs in Kalm and basically being pro-Mako, and, as you already have done, choosing Yuffie while in the Gold Saucer and Corel Prison. This still allowed me to buy the flower, give it to Tifa, choose Aerith and Tifa after fighting Hojo's sample, choose them again when leaving Midgar, and agree with helping Fort Condor (although, I had swapped Yuffie and Barret into the party, so they gained points instead). Of course, you will need to do all of the Wutai subquest to get enough points... TL;DR : You can get the Yuffie date without being a complete ass to Aerith and Tifa. Or using the exploit when you encounter her.

I love this thread. Keep it up. Also, I always wondered why Gold Saucer was so full of money. It's about impossible to get to, you have to hike five miles across derelict train tracks, wander through a junkyard filled with irate refugees and once you get there, there is a possibility of being thrown into a prison in the middle of the desert. Shinra built it. Need I say more? I think you still have a shot at getting the Yuffie date, since picking her both times at the Gold Saucer adds points in her favour... and you missed out the "beat-em-up that cheats the further you get through it, until you reach an undeafetable enemy who blocks everything." Also, on my current playthrough, I was imagining Aerith doing Dr. Evil finger motions whilst saying 'rivers' and 'deserts'. Lawl, that makes sense in only the way that Shinra can make things make sense.

Part 12: The Little Buggy That Couldn’t Spoiler: show spoiler hide spoiler This is Gongaga village. The villagers inside will beat you to death with the story (rather just one line) about how the reactor exploded and wiped out most of the town. Hmm, wonder if Shinra blamed that one on ter’rists, too. Inside, we find a couple of familiar retarded faces. They must be talking about their favorite music artists. Rude strikes me as a Harry Conick Jr. type. Nevermind. They’re just going over their crushes like little girls. ‘It was just one time. During oral the stupid bitch began thinking of sausage and bit me. I kicked her in the head, and now we’re strictly professional…’ ‘But, Poor Tseng… Ah well, she’d have to think of cocktail weenies to make the same mistake there… Still…’ ‘Man, this is just like that episode of Gilmore Girls where Rory was totally into this one guy, but he wasn’t into her, because he was like, totally into this other chick. But she didn’t know, right? And the other chick didn’t know the guy was into her either, and man… It was ugly. Thankfully the quick-paced witty dialogue kept the- …Why are you looking at me like that?’ ‘I agree, Person who is my enemy.’ ‘You mean he’s…? Oh splendid! Cause I think about him, too… I fluster every time I remember that moment where he pimpslapped Mary. Is this what love feels like? …By the way, we probably should be fighting to the death or something.’ You’re a regular Paul Revere, Elena. ‘Hey!... Ah who am I kidding, I have no argument…’ ‘Aw, c’mon, stay. Beating the shit out of all three of you would make my day. Doesn’t anyone care about my happiness?!’ ‘You JUMPED. OFF. A. PILLAR. The stupidity here is making me want to shit out my brain.’ ‘Yes. Yes, it is sad that you are so idiotic. Can we just commence the kicking of your ass by us?’ Double dose of Turk action here. Reno is a lot stronger this time around, and Vin Diesel here is just as tough. I still wipe the floor with them thanks to the level grinding I did outside. ‘Pretty sure that’s… the exact opposite of what victorious means. On the subject of definitions, I submitted ‘Fuckwad’ to Webster’s. With any luck it’ll be in the next edition with simply the definition being “Reno”.’ ‘Shit! I was needed on the set of The Pacifier 2 an hour ago.’ ‘I don’t know. How the fuck does everyone in the world see Sephiroth before we do?’ ‘I mean… who could it BE?’ ‘Except Mary. I’m totally keeping my eye on you. You just reek of spy. Or… maybe that’s something else… When was the last time you washed that hot dog factory of yours?’ ‘Uh oh, Scarlet and Tseng. Time to utilize my expert stealth abilities again.’ You expected… what? I don’t think you’re quite getting your point across. Try a few more adjectives. Enormous. Massive. Jumbo. Loaf-sized. Maybe. Just make the controls shaped like donuts and allow them to be operated by mouth. Loaf-sized, Squall. Keep up. God, this is why I can’t take you anywhere. Always distracted by shinies. As the great Wayne Campbell would say… Excellent. Anyway, we head to the town, where we decide to bother the few remaining families with lost loved ones by barging right into their homes. God, this game is obsessed with ruined villages. ‘No, my expression is just permanently like this, now. A side effect from being surrounded by idiots for extended periods of time.’ ‘De la Rocha of Rage Against the Machine? Sure, I have him on Facebook. We’re in the “Guys with Crazy Hair” group.’ ‘Oh… umm..’ ‘Listen, she knows a lot of guys. And by “knows” I mean “has sexual intercourse with for money.”’ ‘Poor sap. Thinking a whore wanted to be his girlfriend. Probably all that “bodyguard” talk.’ Mary rushes outside, distraught. ‘God, you too? What did you do in the four years I was gone…?’ ‘I distinctly remember you saying it didn’t matter. Good to see now that it mattered. I mean, it’s not like I called it or anything.’ ‘Do we care? Are we caring about this? Women. On this Planet. Boring as fuck. You sure you don’t want to talk about monitors, too?’ So I guess when you said same as Squall, you really meant nothing like him at all. Also, wouldn’t that be “Ladies Man”? ‘…Okay you got me. I never look at your face. I mean, does anyone?’ They talk a bit about how she swears she doesn’t know him; just that he “reminded” her of Squall. Yeah, that’s real convincing. Obviously this is your cue to remember the name Zack. It’ll come up again. God, this whole update could be an episode of some toilet-hole CW teen drama. Finally we leave to the down and jump back in the Love Buggy. This may look silly, but it is probably the most annoying battle I’ve had yet. The reason behind this is every time a frog hits you, you turn into a frog. Being a frog means you can only physically attack, and it results in like a fourth of the normal damage you do. Not only that, they have a “Frog Song” which they can cast which puts you to sleep AND turns you into a frog. Thankfully I had the Frog immune accessory on Mary, so for once she pulls her weight. So she can summon Ramuh to shove electricity up their collective asses. Do you know what happens to a Toad when it gets struck by lightning? You get horrid X-Men lines. Just for fun, a bit of trivia from IMDB on this subject: Spoiler: show spoiler hide spoiler “Joss Whedon wrote a draft version of the script, but the suggestions he made to fix what he felt were fundamental problems with the film were not incorporated. Only two pieces of dialogue from his rewrite appeared in the final film. One is the exchange when Cyclops doesn't know if Wolverine is an impostor ("Prove it!" "You're a dick"); the other is Storm's "Do you know what happens when a toad gets hit by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else." which he imagined as a lighthearted, offhand line.” The More You Know. We’re not done yet, stupid fucking cock-gobbling ass-swabbing frogs. Enter Titan. So yeah, he picks up the GROUND from underneath them. And throws it on top of them. Awesome. Okay, onward. ‘Jesus, I knew we shouldn’t have let FIRE DOG drive!’ ‘Stupid foreign piece of shit!’ Oh well, guess we’re staying in this weird place. Next time on Final Fantasy VII: All FIRE DOGS Go to Heaven!

Will "All FIRE DOGS go to heaven" have a big lip alligator moment?

Part 12 wonderful.

Will "All FIRE DOGS go to heaven" have a big lip alligator moment? As far as I'm concerned, nearly this whole damn game is a Big Lipped Alligator Moment.

Oh God, this is hilarious. Keep up the good work. From reading the dialogue it's like everyone got their brains washed. Nobody knows anything! What the hell! I'm still bothered by the sudden switching from chibi-3d overworld characters to more "realistic" in-battle characters. It's just weird.

Will "All FIRE DOGS go to heaven" have a big lip alligator moment? As far as I'm concerned, nearly this whole damn game is a Big Lipped Alligator Moment. This is probably the best way to sum up this game.

It really is.

Random tip time - Rude gives away how to make all fights with him easier; put Tifa in your party, and he'll only use standard attacks on her, and even then, he'll hesitate to do so. This means he'll generally only target Cloud and your other party member, leaving Tifa able to do whatever in relative safety (Reno will still attack her). I would have posted this earlier, but Windows decided to commit suicide yesterday morning, and it's taken this long to get things running again.

Big McLargehuge materia!