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Games and Technology: AWESOME POST in "Sid Meier's Civilization V - Game disks MUST be tossed.

Captain KCaptain K Registered User regular
edited September 2010 in [2008-2012] Awesome Posts?
Captain K has reported a post.

Reason:
Like it or not, the man makes some compelling arguments.
Post: Sid Meier's Civilization V - Game disks MUST be tossed. Salad optional.
Forum: Games and Technology
Assigned Moderators: apotheos, A duck!, Echo

Posted by: The_Scarab
Original Content:
If you're still waiting for Civilization V to launch then you might be pondering which civ to play first time through. Maybe France? Right? What with their nice culture benefits, or perhaps America - with their staunch history of blah blah blah. Forget that shit. The only one you should pick is England. And here's why.

51ym1h.gif
(This is the flag of England.)


England has and will always be the most powerful civilization. There are several reasons for this but because you live in a former British colony you're not smart enough to understand them. So let me break it down for you.

1) Class.

15r0e12.jpg

Look at this motherfucker. Look into his eyes. This guy right here is the Duke of Wellington. He will fuck you up. But only after taking afternoon tea in the company of fine ladies and the gentle, upper-class intelligentsia.

He was so good at military command that he had time to invent a new type of boot so that he wouldn't sully himself in the mud of the battlefield. And look at his shirt. All red because fuck camouflage, England is so good at war we actually have to dress up in the most conspicuous clothing ever just to give our enemies a fighting change.

See, that's class.

Guerrilla tactics? Not in my army maggot. We don't even go to war before agreeing honourable terms of engagement. Which include arrangements for your colonization because, haha, you don't even have a fucking chance. Seriously, we're going to win. Bend over and take it.


2) Technology.

2ep0vn9.jpg

See that? That's London like a million years ago. When you idiots were still crawling around in mud huts we had fucking skycrapers and steam engines. We are the enlightened ones. You know the Victorian era? That was named after an English king, fuckers. Everything you take for granted in your entire goddam life we invented. And if we didn't invent it. We conquered the people who did.

We had computers in 1837, bitches. At that time America didn't even have roads and people fought over such primitive things like cattle or religion. Speaking of, you know that Darwin guy that invented atheism? One of ours. He's on our money, we're so god damned smart. Is he on your money? Nope. Cause you don't have money.

When one hundred and fifty thousand Zulu warriors zerg rushed Rourke's Drift, one hundred Englishmen massacred them so hard we basically won the continent in one battle. Because we had guns, and they didn't. That's technology. Seriously, we fucked them up so hard it would have made that evening's newspaper, had we bothered to report it. We're modest like that, see. Have I covered class yet?


3) Culture

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MiuM9_p_U8

Listen to this. Listen to this and be afraid. Because an Englishman composed this at the request of King Edward. Because our enemies weren't terrified enough, and war was becoming too boring for us, what with our impeccable thirty for nought record.

If you think that choosing some generic war-mongering race in Civilization V like the Aztecs or the Greeks can even encapsulate one millionth of the fury that the English have unleashed upon this pitiful world than you are tragically mistaken. We made Alexander the Great look like Alexander the Mediocre.

What is English culture? English culture is your culture, because we own you. It is Shakespeare and Milton. Keats and Hemingway. We're not only trendsetters, but we invented the word trendsetters, as well as every other word in this entire fucking post, comprende? In Civilization V, the English will attain a cultural victory so easily that we don't even need to rely upon golden ages or great people. Because we're never not in a golden ages and every Englishman is great.


4) England

ofbuwx.jpg


Don't you just hate those Nazis? Oh wait, that's right. They're all dead because of us. Yeah that's right, I'm Godwinning all up in this bitch. Why? Because I'm English and am therefore objectively better than you. I can do whatever the hell I want. And do.

Everything that is English is simply the pinnacle of human achievement, and this is represented accurately in Civilization V. We're all richer than you are. In better health. Our soldiers are better trained and when you fuck some war up you call us to sort out the mess. Because we have thousands of years of history of unfucking someone else's mess. You don't. Because you don't even have a thousand years of history.


You're envious of us. It's ok. We understand. It's perfectly normal. In the annals of human history we're pretty much top. Sure, those Ottomans stirred some shit, and those Egyptians had some nice monuments. But the bottom line is that the annals of history are written in English, not Egyptian.

You fawn over your minuscule successes like a child pleased at not shitting the bed. Meanwhile over in old Blighty, our God-race of immaculate human beings are busy building the world's first and only utopia. In England. Remember Henry, and William. Remember Elizabeth and the armada. Remember the thirteen colonies and the commonwealth. Remember the internet, and modern science. And industrialization. And the greatest poetry and sonnets, the best novels, the most beautiful art, the largest navies and most organized military. The most accomplished sportsmen, thinkers, philosophers, upper class geniuses that are simply better than you.

I know Civilization V is, to many extents, an abstraction of real life. But even if it contained one tenth fact then England will no doubt be so grotesquely overpowered that you gibbering morons will be screaming for a zero hour patch to remove the English from the game entirely. But that patch, sir. Oh that patch will never come. Sorry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=podh1wht9RY


Now, anyone for tea?

Captain K on

Posts

  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu ___________PIGEON _________San Diego, CA Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
  • RonaldoTheGypsyRonaldoTheGypsy Do you like dags? Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    One star. Mad because couldn't stop a revolution.

    Also, England in Civ IV was ridiculous, anyway. Financial = OP.

    RonaldoTheGypsy.png
  • DietarySupplementDietarySupplement Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    A shame what happened to the Civ 5 thread; turned into "nuh uh MY nationality is best hurf durf."

    Skull2185 wrote: »
    Basically, (PlayStation) Home is Second Life Ultra Light? Most of the cool stuff, none of the creepy blimp on blimp fucking.
  • Captain KCaptain K Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    I'm still having a hard time believing that anyone was taking that seriously

  • DietarySupplementDietarySupplement Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Don't worry I pointed out how awesome you were in your other reply. All is right in the world.

    Skull2185 wrote: »
    Basically, (PlayStation) Home is Second Life Ultra Light? Most of the cool stuff, none of the creepy blimp on blimp fucking.
  • bowenbowen Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    I award you the amount of stars present on your flag. You godless heathen!

    (Maybe I'll give you 4 though because it was cool, even if it's wrong)

  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited September 2010
    5 stars.

    Minus 1. Victorian was named after a Queen.

    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • EdcrabEdcrab Registered User
    edited September 2010
  • GyralGyral Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Captain K wrote: »
    I'm still having a hard time believing that anyone was taking that seriously

    For real. This is classic The Scarab. Tongue planted so firmly in cheek it's peeking out the other side.

    scornsig.jpg
  • Irond WillIrond Will Dragonmaster Cambridge. MASuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited September 2010
    This post is amazing

    Shame about the twentieth century and all.

    Wqdwp8l.png
  • Dunadan019Dunadan019 Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Sipex wrote: »
    5 stars.

    Minus 1. Victorian was named after a Queen.

    little known fact: the Victorian era in england was actually named after King Victor Emmanuel II of Italy who united italy and invented pizza. That whole england thing was something they stole after the fact and attributed to their queen instead.... those cheeky bastards.

  • RikushixRikushix Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Dunadan019 wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    5 stars.

    Minus 1. Victorian was named after a Queen.

    little known fact: the Victorian era in england was actually named after King Victor Emmanuel II of Italy who united italy and invented pizza. That whole england thing was something they stole after the fact and attributed to their queen instead.... those cheeky bastards.

    You actually had me for a second.

    StKbT.jpg
  • IvarIvar Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Gyral wrote: »
    Captain K wrote: »
    I'm still having a hard time believing that anyone was taking that seriously

    For real. This is classic The Scarab. Tongue planted so firmly in cheek it's peeking out the other side.

    That's, uh... that's not a tongue

  • FalxFalx Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    The perfect rebuttal would be a picture of a Football riot.

    Hisao? What's the word for when it feels in your heart that everything in the world is alright?
    .

    STEAM
  • ben0207ben0207 Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Another thing for England is that we actually get things like irony and sarcasm

    5 Stars.

  • RMS OceanicRMS Oceanic Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    The flag he refers to at the start is actually the flag of the Kingdom of Great Britain from 1707 (When Scotland and England - and Wales - were joined in formal union) to 1801 (when Ireland joined the party and it became the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland).

    Still, fiving this for a compelling argument.

  • Mojo_JojoMojo_Jojo When life gives you lemons... ...eat your delicious lemonsRegistered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Sipex wrote: »
    5 stars.

    Minus 1. Victorian was named after a Queen.

    You have located one of the many jokes in this post, and you deducted a star for it?

    That also isn't the flag of England, nor did we invent computers in the 1800's. Etc. etc.

    Homogeneous distribution of your varieties of amuse-gueule
  • FearghaillFearghaill Midgard I hear some secret agents only get cars.Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    As a proud member of the Commonwealth, I am happy to ride your coattails slightly closer to glory. 5 stars, and God save the Queen!


    ...just as soon as you explain how Chavs fit in to all that.

    lokisig.png
  • bowenbowen Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    ben0207 wrote: »
    Another thing for England is that we actually get things like irony and sarcasm

    5 Stars.

    British humor is the best humor. That's right, I spelt it humor. Suck it!

  • JustinSane07JustinSane07 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2010
    As a resident of Massachusetts, you know, those guys that fucked your stupid army up with guerilla tactics, I give this 1 star.

  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited September 2010
    Dunadan019 wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    5 stars.

    Minus 1. Victorian was named after a Queen.

    little known fact: the Victorian era in england was actually named after King Victor Emmanuel II of Italy who united italy and invented pizza. That whole england thing was something they stole after the fact and attributed to their queen instead.... those cheeky bastards.

    Oh shit, the more you know.

    Still only 4 stars though, I've just lost my reason for it.

    (Edit: Okay, I really need to look this up from home, I'm no longer sure if this is this the case.)

    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited September 2010
    Mojo_Jojo wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    5 stars.

    Minus 1. Victorian was named after a Queen.

    You have located one of the many jokes in this post, and you deducted a star for it?

    That also isn't the flag of England, nor did we invent computers in the 1800's. Etc. etc.

    Eh? Nah, just didn't seem 5 star worthy so I chose a BS reason for the 1 star off.

    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Mojo_Jojo wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    5 stars.

    Minus 1. Victorian was named after a Queen.

    You have located one of the many jokes in this post, and you deducted a star for it?

    That also isn't the flag of England, nor did we invent computers in the 1800's. Etc. etc.

    Actually, not one to blow my own horn - but that's the one thing that's accurate in my post.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Difference_engine

    So really, even when you cut aside the hyperbole and nonsense, England still wins.

    scarab you have mental problems
  • ben0207ben0207 Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Sipex wrote: »
    Dunadan019 wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    5 stars.

    Minus 1. Victorian was named after a Queen.

    little known fact: the Victorian era in england was actually named after King Victor Emmanuel II of Italy who united italy and invented pizza. That whole england thing was something they stole after the fact and attributed to their queen instead.... those cheeky bastards.

    Oh shit, the more you know.

    Still only 4 stars though, I've just lost my reason for it.

    (Edit: Okay, I really need to look this up from home, I'm no longer sure if this is this the case.)

    Good god. Please tell me you don't really believe that? What on earth are they teaching in these schools.

  • IvarIvar Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Also, England has had running water for over 10 years, they invented the cat, and they have a tunnel to Peru.

  • Mojo_JojoMojo_Jojo When life gives you lemons... ...eat your delicious lemonsRegistered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Ivar wrote: »
    Also, England has had running water for over 10 years, they invented the cat, and they have a tunnel to Peru.

    That tunnel to Peru is really useful, but you get ripped off at the government run petrol stations along the way.

    Homogeneous distribution of your varieties of amuse-gueule
  • bowenbowen Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    The_Scarab wrote: »
    Mojo_Jojo wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    5 stars.

    Minus 1. Victorian was named after a Queen.

    You have located one of the many jokes in this post, and you deducted a star for it?

    That also isn't the flag of England, nor did we invent computers in the 1800's. Etc. etc.

    Actually, not one to blow my own horn - but that's the one thing that's accurate in my post.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Difference_engine

    So really, even when you cut aside the hyperbole and nonsense, England still wins.

    That is a computer in the loosest sense of the term. That's like calling an abacus a manual computer.

    I SUBTRACT THOSE 4 STARS I GAVE YOU!

  • Big ClassyBig Classy Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    England Flag
    england-flag-05.gif

    But a compelling argument all the same. I raise my cup of tea to you, good sir!

    camo_sig2.png
    My Backloggery PSN: Bigisy24
  • geekoidgeekoid Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    bowen wrote: »
    The_Scarab wrote: »
    Mojo_Jojo wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    5 stars.

    Minus 1. Victorian was named after a Queen.

    You have located one of the many jokes in this post, and you deducted a star for it?

    That also isn't the flag of England, nor did we invent computers in the 1800's. Etc. etc.

    Actually, not one to blow my own horn - but that's the one thing that's accurate in my post.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Difference_engine

    So really, even when you cut aside the hyperbole and nonsense, England still wins.

    That is a computer in the loosest sense of the term. That's like calling an abacus a manual computer.

    I SUBTRACT THOSE 4 STARS I GAVE YOU!

    A computer is simply a device that lets you come to a mathmatic answer without need to understand maths. the Abacus IS a computer. You can teach someone who know nothing of math how to use it and the can use it to calculate. You might want to actual use one before using it as a counter example.

    Now I will break machinery with my head!
  • Teslan26Teslan26 Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    all my 5s

    Snowbeat wrote: »
    get out of here, numbername
  • bowenbowen Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    geekoid wrote: »
    bowen wrote: »
    The_Scarab wrote: »
    Mojo_Jojo wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    5 stars.

    Minus 1. Victorian was named after a Queen.

    You have located one of the many jokes in this post, and you deducted a star for it?

    That also isn't the flag of England, nor did we invent computers in the 1800's. Etc. etc.

    Actually, not one to blow my own horn - but that's the one thing that's accurate in my post.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Difference_engine

    So really, even when you cut aside the hyperbole and nonsense, England still wins.

    That is a computer in the loosest sense of the term. That's like calling an abacus a manual computer.

    I SUBTRACT THOSE 4 STARS I GAVE YOU!

    A computer is simply a device that lets you come to a mathmatic answer without need to understand maths. the Abacus IS a computer. You can teach someone who know nothing of math how to use it and the can use it to calculate. You might want to actual use one before using it as a counter example.

    Your fingers are, functionally, the equivalent of an abacus. So there ya go, computers, invented by sex, what now bitches?

  • SheepSheep Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2010
    3 stars because Hemingway is an American.

    QlBGc.jpg
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited September 2010
    ben0207 wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    Dunadan019 wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    5 stars.

    Minus 1. Victorian was named after a Queen.

    little known fact: the Victorian era in england was actually named after King Victor Emmanuel II of Italy who united italy and invented pizza. That whole england thing was something they stole after the fact and attributed to their queen instead.... those cheeky bastards.

    Oh shit, the more you know.

    Still only 4 stars though, I've just lost my reason for it.

    (Edit: Okay, I really need to look this up from home, I'm no longer sure if this is this the case.)

    Good god. Please tell me you don't really believe that? What on earth are they teaching in these schools.

    Other stuff? There's a lot of information out there and not enough time to learn it all in school. Hence kind of why it's nice to be corrected instead of chided at.

    Unless you want to go over what you don't know so I can chide you for it too.

    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • SarksusSarksus Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    I'm loading up Civilization 5 and playing as England right now.

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