So I was crossing the street today, when somebody made an illegal right turn into the far lane and proceeded to honk at me for being in his way. Guy stopped to tell me I was an idiot and I told him that if he knew how to drive we wouldn't have a problem.
Guy drives off, other guy drives up in a white sedan.
Other guy: "HEY. DO WE HAVE A PROBLEM."
Other guy: "Get your fat ass across the street, before I take you to jail."
Me: "Excuse me? What for?"
Other guy: "MOVE. Don't make me get out of this car."
And then he drove away, but as I continued walking, I noticed that he followed me for something like 3-4 blocks.
Do I have any recourse against this guy whatsoever? I don't even know if he was actually a cop, and I can't accurately convey the tone of his voice in text, but it was pretty goddanm scary.
The cop thing aside, and this is something that I've pored over in my head a hundred times, trying to find the most tactful way to say it. I have failed.
I think that I may be an idiot
. I mean...look around. Odds are good.
It's like my life has no direction whatsoever. I feel aloof and distant. I can't help but think that I come across as some kind of a doofus, and an arrogant one at that. I form half-ass opinions, and only think about things about 75-90% of the way through, so more often than not I fail spectacularly at the things I'm trying to do. I tell myself that I don't want to judge and I tell myself not to be angry with other people, but this only leads to me being angry at myself
because I fail so hard.
I think I'm gay. I'm not sure. Why am I not sure? I don't fucking know. Is that normal? My instincts tell me "no." I have seen women that I could picture myself with. I've seen men that I could picture myself with. I always picture myself playing more of a feminine role in a relationship, which is somewhat contradictory to being gay in and of itself. In the end I prefer men, I suppose, but if I actually think really hard and logically about it, my brain throws me back into neutral., and I end up back at square one.
The hardest part about it is that I look at the men around here and all I see is a lot of people that I'm not interested in. The bars are meatmarkets. I mentioned this in SE and got jumped on for it, but it's the goddamn truth. Pretty much all the guys who are going to any of the bars here are just looking to get laid. One night, no strings attached. I'm not interested in that, but the more I observe my prospects, the more fucked I feel. And I'm not trying to be pretentious or judgmental, nor am I attempting to stereotype anyone. I'm only saying that the more I look for someone, the more hopeless my search feels.
My friends say I'm trying too hard. They say that I should just forget it and live my life and someday out of the blue I'll stumble on someone. Which sounds awesome and romantic and all, but again, my brain is saying "That's bullshit, that's bullshit, that's bullshit," and I 'know' that's never going to happen.
Truthfully I don't even know why I'm looking anyway. (You see? You see what's happening here? My mind is spinning in fucking circles) I don't feel even remotely attractive, and I don't think I would contribute anything to a relationship in the first place. I like video games and drawing and fucking around. I write. I like to lounge around and listen to music and do my own thing. I don't want to go to the Jone's house for a dinner party. I don't want to get sucked into conforming with somebody else's ideal of how I should act. I don't even know how to word what I do
want. It's beyond me, somehow, like some forgotten memory.
Am I making any sense whatsoever? Should I be committing myself or something? What the hell is going on?