So I've been dating this guy for about 8 months, everything was going great, we loved each other, were planning on living together, we spend EVERY day together, we were happy, it seemed like a perfect relationship.
Then I read an e-mail he sent to a friend.o_O
There is one thing I should tell you about my boyfriend. He has emotional problems;
Now when I say he has emotional problems I am not kidding. He has anxiety and depression and can't stand up to people so he lets people walk all over him. He was sick all the time as a child and went to the hospital a few times a year for a medical condition he has (I think this has a lot to do with his anxiety). He was treated differently growing up by other kids since he loved comic books and kept to himself. He is afraid to let anyone how anxious and depressed he is because he is afraid they will not like him, so he acts like a happy go lucky guy. A few months into are relationship I started he realize how bad his anxiety was. He would get so anxious he would start puking and couldn't breathe over things that wouldn't faze most people. I told him that I was really about him and that I thought he should go to therapy and maybe take an anti-anxiety medication. He has had this anxiety all of his life.
So about this e-mail I saw.... he send it to a friend and he said he wasn't ready to move in with me, that he doesn't know why he’s with me half the time, that he thought I was controlling, and other various things. I felt so hurt and betrayed that he had all this stuff to say to me but never told me how he felt. So I told him straight up what I saw, I apologized for reading the e-mail but wanted to know why he hadn’t told me he felt that way about. I asked him to tell me honestly how he felt about him and what he said to his friend. He told me that he loves me and wants to be with me and that all of the things he is feeling have to do with his emotions. (he said he isn't ready to move in since because he would get too anxious not living in the house he’s lived in his whole life, he said he doesn't know why he’s with me half the time because he feels like I do more for him then he does for me, and he said that he thought I was controlling only because he doesn't let people know what he really likes to do so we end up doing what I like to do.) So we talked about everything and he said he needed time to work on his emotional problem but that he still wants to be together.
He wants to take some time to himself and work out all of these emotional problems he has. He’s going to therapy twice a week. He says that he needs to be alone to work out his problems and fix them. He’s afraid that if I'm around he will try to blame me for his feelings. He thinks this will take a couple of months to fix. He sends me a message that said this; I love you more than anything, and that's why I'm doing this. I can't even fathom ruining what you and I have with each other, because of something that I have failed to fix for so long. I am always thinking about you, and that's what makes me KNOW I can do this. Once I'm better, and I'm healthier we will be so happy. I don't hate you and I could never hate you. You are my everything.
I know I should leave him alone and let him work things out. He is telling me that he wants to be with me, but its sooo hard since I feel like he’s trying to push me away. I know I should just trust him, give him his time, and let him work on his problems. I am so very glad he’s doing this but there are a few things that really make me feel like he doesn't want to be with me;
-he only calls me maybe only one every other day,
-he doesn't answer my phone calls,
-he wants to wait a week to see each other,
-and that message he send his friend saying all that crap about me.
I love this guy more than anything and I just want to be with him, but I want him to get better.
WHAT SHOULD I DO WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?!?!?!?!
SORRY FOR THE LONG POST!
THANKS IN ADAVANCE!
Posts
You can't force him to want to move in with you. If he wants time and space, making him feel bad about wanting it and pushing him to spend time with you will work against you.
So he has major fucking social issues. This is a problem FOR HIM first. What is he doing about it? Is he seeing a professional?
I'm going to assume that you aren't a professional therapist and its really neither your place to try and be that for him, nor would you even be able to do so.
I too do not see this relationship working out. FYI, it is possible to take a break and re-examine your feelings for one another in a few months time. If he still wants to be with you, hey, good sign. If he doesn't, then it doesn't matter what happened this would have happened anyway.
Relationships can be surprisingly simple. At the end of the day both partners are happy or not. Both have to be happy.
He has used me as an excused for his problems in the past and thats he says he working on not doing that. And thats why he wants to work on this by himself, because if I'm around he might try to blame me and he doesn't want to do that anymore.
However, you still want to be with him, and maybe it'll work out. It's not like I know either of you. Maybe you should just put the ball in his court, and if he wants to be with you, then believe me, he'll make the effort. If he doesn't, then he won't. Everything can't come from your end.
heh
sure
that sounds totally reasonable
remember this: you are not required to be responsible for his mental health. your options here are to stick around and deal with it or to get out. I would not recommend moving in with the guy. The only real advice I have is to wait for a bit and figure out where this is going.
Are you in college? Where did you meet this guy? Details are important sometimes.
If you look in a lot of the books about anxiety, having a close partner is always one of the things that helps. He shouldn't be pushing you away if he's trying to get better.
I'm starting college this winter, I'm going to be living at home since the school is less then a five minute walk from my house.
I met him at a little get together, he was my bestfriends boyfriends bestfriend is that makes sence...haha
We are hanging out this upcoming Tuesday...
And yes, if he is getting physically ill and having panic attacks, then he should be seeking professional help. That's a serious anxiety disorder. Also, if that's comorbid with depression, then damn, the boy needs some therapy, CPT and maybe drugs.
Really really wish I hadn't found this out the hard way. Let him get the help he needs and sort himself out before you move in. You've said that he's going to therapy now and that's a very good thing. Give that some time before rushing into co-habitation.
Also, don't worry about how frequently you are or aren't seeing each other. He told you that he needed space. It's not unreasonable to not see him for a week especially if he's calling every other day or so. If your relationship was as great as you say, take that to heart and don't worry about him "showing how much you mean to him." If he feels he has to prove his love or that he's not working through his issues fast enough for you that could lead to more anxiety. Let him do what he needs to do and make sure he knows you'll be there for him if he needs you.
We could just keep dating and not live together, but we both wanted to live together we talked about it all the time and he seemed so excited to live with me I didn't think he didn't want to leave his house or anything.
He is going to therapy twice a week, he just started doing this about a week ago. And this is why he wants to try to work on these alone because he has never done anything by himself before.
Very true thank you for the advice.
You need to develop who you are on your own and you can't do that by living with a boyfriend on your first time out.
My boyfriend started this thread a month after we started dating,
if you read it you will se how bad his problems are...
He doesn't go on Penny Arcade anymore though
My wife began suffering from almost daily panic/anxiety attacks about 5 years ago. She had some therapy and is now on Venafexaline (I think I spelled that right). All this time later she is much more at ease and working or hanging out with friends without any worries about her anxiety issues. Sometimes it's just a chemical thing.
Nobody has mentioned this but I should note that it's VERY concerning in the way you came to find out about his reservations about moving in with you. I know that you want to be together forever and blah blah blah but there always needs to be a little bubble of privacy that each person has in the relationship. Reading e-mails, text messages and what not is absolute poison for trust, which is key to any relationship. Unless he has cheated on you before or is informing the FBI about you there's no reason for you to look through his e-mails.
8 months, while I know it feels like forever to you is a very short time. You potentially have many years to spend together so I'd suggest taking short breaks every now and then. If you move in together, trust me you'll pretty soon be deciding that you need some space too, either in a day out with friends or a room with it's own TV so you don't have to watch whatever stupid show he loves that you hate.