Options

Your stories of complete assholes in the entertainment industry

13468912

Posts

  • Options
    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Huh.
    I expected Pony to have long hair.

    most of the year, my head is shaved. I sometimes let it grow an inch or two, but as soon as it gets long enough that I actually have to style it, fuck it man, out comes the razor.

    Also

    Alice Cooper has a terrifying memory for faces.

    In 2006, I went to FanExpo in Toronto and Alice Cooper was there. I went up to his booth to get a picture with him and say hello.

    He saw me, and was like "I recognize you... but from where..."

    I stared at him, bewildered (I had met Alice Cooper prior to this, I was stunned he remembered!)

    He narrowed his eyes, thought for a moment, and then said "EdgeFest 1999. I wasn't performing, but I was there visiting friends. I was standing around talking with fans and I was buying everyone beer. I didn't buy you beer, because you were underage. I bought you a Coke. A diet Coke."

    You know what is terrifying?

    That is a 100% accurate retelling of the first time I met Alice Cooper.

    The man's memory is clearly like the Negative Zone from Krypton. He remembered meeting me once, seven years prior, and remembered what kind of drink he bought me.

    That is insane.

    Lord help a man who pisses off Alice Cooper.

    Pony on
  • Options
    ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    :shock:

    How the fuck did you respond to that?

    Improvolone on
    Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
  • Options
    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Tam wrote: »
    Pony looks scary

    To be fair, we were doing "rap faces" and were intentionally trying to look thuggish and mean.

    Because I'm a giant goofball and when I get pictures with celebrities I try to avoid the "smile into the camera" thing and they usually appreciate it because it's unusual.

    There's a picture of Kane Hodder strangling me, which has a rather hilarious story attached to it that I will talk on in another post.

    Also

    What Jim Lee did to the comic book industry?

    Well...

    Image Comics, which Jim Lee helped found, started a series of trends that almost destroyed the comic book industry in the 1990's.

    Pony on
  • Options
    CaptainPeacockCaptainPeacock Board Game Hoarder Top o' the LakeRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Man, Alice Cooper sounds awesome.

    You should have asked him to kick you some lore about Milwaukee.

    CaptainPeacock on
    Cluck cluck, gibber gibber, my old man's a mushroom, etc.
  • Options
    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    :shock:

    How the fuck did you respond to that?

    I was literally dumbstruck.

    My jaw dropped and my mouth was just open in shock for like four seconds.

    Then I was like "Y-yes, that's how we first met..."

    And he pumped his fist and said "Yessss.... still got it."

    Then he posed for a picture with me and we chit-chatted a bit and I left.

    Pony on
  • Options
    downerdowner Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I met Maddox at a book signing for 'Alphabet of Manliness'. Took the time to chat with people, and was actually quite nice. He signed my book "Downer, I'm Awesome - Maddox"

    I was working at a Hotel in my hometown while TLC was shooting for a show called 'Town Haul.' Almost all of the staff stayed at our hotel (except the primary stars). The host, Genevieve Gorder, called the hotel once to speak with her make-up artist.. only the make-up artist wasn't staying in a room that had her name on it, and Ms. Gorder didn't know the room number.. she was a total bitch and played the "don't you know who I am?" card along with "don't you know what I've done for this town?"

    I also met Vinnie Paul at a comedy show in Vegas. That was quite awesome.
    n36101068_32190651_2938.jpg

    downer on
  • Options
    ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Wow, if thats who I think it is he got fat

    Improvolone on
    Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
  • Options
    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    So, I've got a funny story about Kane Hodder and gay porn.

    Few years back, Kane Hodder (the man who plays Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th) was at FanExpo, a combined Sci-Fi/Anime/Comic Book/Video Game/Horror convention.

    Horror was a new addition to the con that year, so there were a lot of guests who were horror movie folk who really had little other reason to be there. For example the guy who did the voice of the Cryptkeeper from Tales from the Crypt.

    Kane Hodder was there, and like most of the horror-related guests he didn't really have a line-up or anything. So, in addition to getting a picture taken with him, I chit-chatted with the fellow a little.

    At one point, he made what I thought was a non sequiter comment: "Hey, are you into anime?"

    I was taken aback, but hey, the strangest people are anime fans, right? So I say "Yeah, sorta."

    "Okay, listen, I got a question: can you tell me what Yaoi is?"

    I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say, or how to explain it, or even why he was asking.

    As I was sort of silent and stunned, he continued "See, 'cause I've seen these chicks with signs like "This way to the Yaoi table" and t-shirts that are like "I <3 Yaoi." I want to know what is this thing and why so many chicks are into it, and all I know is it's an anime thing."

    So I tell him the truth, bluntly "It's gay porn."

    And he nodded, explaining that he knew there was anime porn.

    "So, like, lesbians and stuff?"

    "No, that's Yuri, that's a different thing."

    "Yeah, but... the people I saw with shirts and stuff, those were chicks."

    "Yeah, Yaoi's primary audience is straight women."

    The look on his face could only be described as "does not compute". It was like his brain had crashed, blue screen of death floating in front of his eyes while he frantically sought out a cerebral ctrl+alt+delete.

    All he said was simply "That's fucked up."

    I nodded sagely, and we spoke no more of it.

    And that is how Jason Voorhess learned about Yaoi.

    Pony on
  • Options
    shrykeshryke Member of the Beast Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Hoyl shit, Wayne's World was right all along about Alice Cooper:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtqesudKxSA

    shryke on
  • Options
    CaptainPeacockCaptainPeacock Board Game Hoarder Top o' the LakeRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Tell us another one Pony.

    Please.

    CaptainPeacock on
    Cluck cluck, gibber gibber, my old man's a mushroom, etc.
  • Options
    shrykeshryke Member of the Beast Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Pony wrote: »
    So, I've got a funny story about Kane Hodder and gay porn.

    Few years back, Kane Hodder (the man who plays Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th) was at FanExpo, a combined Sci-Fi/Anime/Comic Book/Video Game/Horror convention.

    Horror was a new addition to the con that year, so there were a lot of guests who were horror movie folk who really had little other reason to be there. For example the guy who did the voice of the Cryptkeeper from Tales from the Crypt.

    Kane Hodder was there, and like most of the horror-related guests he didn't really have a line-up or anything. So, in addition to getting a picture taken with him, I chit-chatted with the fellow a little.

    At one point, he made what I thought was a non sequiter comment: "Hey, are you into anime?"

    I was taken aback, but hey, the strangest people are anime fans, right? So I say "Yeah, sorta."

    "Okay, listen, I got a question: can you tell me what Yaoi is?"

    I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say, or how to explain it, or even why he was asking.

    As I was sort of silent and stunned, he continued "See, 'cause I've seen these chicks with signs like "This way to the Yaoi table" and t-shirts that are like "I <3 Yaoi." I want to know what is this thing and why so many chicks are into it, and all I know is it's an anime thing."

    So I tell him the truth, bluntly "It's gay porn."

    And he nodded, explaining that he knew there was anime porn.

    "So, like, lesbians and stuff?"

    "No, that's Yuri, that's a different thing."

    "Yeah, but... the people I saw with shirts and stuff, those were chicks."

    "Yeah, Yaoi's primary audience is straight women."

    The look on his face could only be described as "does not compute". It was like his brain had crashed, blue screen of death floating in front of his eyes while he frantically sought out a cerebral ctrl+alt+delete.

    All he said was simply "That's fucked up."

    I nodded sagely, and we spoke no more of it.

    And that is how Jason Voorhess learned about Yaoi.

    Honestly though, that mirrors both my and everyone I've ever tolds reaction to finding out what Yaoi is. Cerebral Blue Screen of Death is the best description of the experience ever.

    But seriously Pony, I think you lead a very interesting life.

    shryke on
  • Options
    DeciusDecius I'm old! I'm fat! I'M BLUE!Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    One of the guys I play poker with told me this story, so take it as you will.

    Apparently a buddy of his grew up in Hanna, Alberta which is the hometown of Nickelback. He's in his mid-30s like my poker buddy, so naturally he went to the same school as Chad Kroeger. Apparently this friend of a friend had a real hate on for Chad and his band buddies. They wouldn't let him play in their band or something. Anyhow he used to pick on Chad on a regular basis, and fight him on the odd occasion.

    So there's a possibility I know someone who knows someone who may be directly responsible for some of Nickelback's shitty music.

    Decius on
    camo_sig2.png
    I never finish anyth
  • Options
    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Tell us another one Pony.

    Please.

    I met J. Michael Straczynski at a convention some years ago.

    He had no line-up at his booth, and when guests have no line-ups at their booths they're often bored and chatty, so that's the time I go up to them.

    So, I got a picture with him and we talked for a bit about sci fi and stuff.

    Now, earlier that year, Enterprise had gotten canceled and it was going to be the first time in like 20 years there was no Star Trek on TV at all.

    A little while after that (few months before the con) JMS posted on his website that he had written a "reboot" of Star Trek as a TV series and would love for it to happen, but given his history with Paramount and the fact that Rick Berman didn't want to let go of his iron grip on Star Trek's throat, he knew it would never happen.

    He even bragged about doing a whole new "series bible" with character outlines, story arcs, and even a script for a pilot.

    Fans begged him to post it online. Everyone was fascinated with what a JMS-helmed Star Trek would be like, even if it would never see the light of day. He refused.

    So, at the con, talking to the man personally, I asked him about this, and his reasoning why.

    He said "When you're a professional writer, you don't go about giving away your ideas for free" which I understood, but I responded with "But I mean, it's not like you'll ever be able to do anything with it. You wrote a bunch of stuff with someone else's intellectual property for your own amusement. I mean, didn't you essentially write some fanfiction?"

    Oh my god.

    That was the wrong thing to say.

    JMS is a man over twice my age and about half my size, but in that moment the glare he gave me conveyed that he considered bursting his hand through my sternum, pulling out my steaming hot, still-beating heart and howling like a crazed animal as he feasted upon it.

    He clenched his jaw and said "There's a big difference between what I write and fanfiction."

    I shrugged, and replied "Well, not really. It wasn't like you were expecting for this to pan out and for you to get paid for it. You did it specifically because it would amuse you and you're a fan of Star Trek, isn't that like literally the definition of fanfiction? Original character fanfiction, no less."

    He stood up and I flinched. He put his hand out, I shook it, and he smiled and said "It was nice talking to you, sir." in a tone that basically said go fuck yourself.

    Then he walked away.

    Pony on
  • Options
    shrykeshryke Member of the Beast Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    So, these aren't technically my encounters, by they are pretty strangely connected together.

    1) First Year University, one of my really good friends is out of Napanee. One of her good friends apparently dated Avril Lavigne back just before she got big. He dumped her. Apparently, she was/is a total bitch.

    Anyway, as the story goes, not long after this, after signing her big record deal or some other major event of the like, she call this guy back up out of the blue. Brags to him about what happened and basically ends the whole thing with "Aren't you sad you dumped me now?".

    To which he replied "No, cause your a bitch."


    2) Years later, I'm chatting with the then boyfriend of my cousin at some family thing. He apparently went to school with the guys from Sum 41.

    I'm like "That's kinda cool".
    He says "Yeah, they were all really nice guys. ..... Except Deryck Whibley. (The lead singer) That guys a dickhole."

    I laughed.

    Apparently it was a match made in heaven.

    shryke on
  • Options
    DeciusDecius I'm old! I'm fat! I'M BLUE!Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Pony wrote: »
    :shock:

    How the fuck did you respond to that?

    I was literally dumbstruck.

    My jaw dropped and my mouth was just open in shock for like four seconds.

    Then I was like "Y-yes, that's how we first met..."

    And he pumped his fist and said "Yessss.... still got it."

    Then he posed for a picture with me and we chit-chatted a bit and I left.

    That's....that's pretty well the only way you can respond to something like that. There's really no dignified, witty, or urbane thing to say when presented with such a situation.

    Decius on
    camo_sig2.png
    I never finish anyth
  • Options
    Gabriel_PittGabriel_Pitt (effective against Russian warships) Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Tam wrote: »
    Pony looks scary
    He looks pretty good for a man that a baseball bat once left for dead. :P
    shryke wrote: »
    Honestly though, that mirrors both my and everyone I've ever tolds reaction to finding out what Yaoi is. Cerebral Blue Screen of Death is the best description of the experience ever.
    I've never had any problems explaining yaoi, and that includes once explaining to my mom why I never talked about the stories I did editing on.

    "You know how a lot of guys really dig seeing two girls get it on? Same thing, just swap the genders."

    Gabriel_Pitt on
  • Options
    ArrathArrath Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Steven Seagal - Couple of my dad's friends were riding their horses down a public right-of-way crossing Seagal's ranch. Apparently he refused recognize the right-of-way and forced them off the land at gunpoint.

    I can believe this. A few years back he was looking to buy some land in eastern Oregon and he personally examined a parcel my uncle had for sale. According to my uncle he was a massive dick. Whenever he stuck his hand out he expected his assistant to hand him a fresh (regardless of if he finished the previous one or not) bottle of water, treated the assistant like crap, and regarded my uncle as a redneck hick.

    Arrath on
  • Options
    DuffelDuffel jacobkosh Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    How does such an untalented has-been as Steven Seagal get such a massive ego?

    He's not even someone who was once really big and has suffered some sort of tragic decline. He's been in formulaic b-movies since his career began and he's basically an industry laughingstock.

    Duffel on
  • Options
    chasmchasm Ill-tempered Texan Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Wonder what he thinks of Will Sasso's skits lampooning him.

    chasm on
    steam_sig.png
    XBL : lJesse Custerl | MWO: Jesse Custer | Best vid ever. | 2nd best vid ever.
  • Options
    Knuckle DraggerKnuckle Dragger Explosive Ovine Disposal Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Duffel wrote: »
    How does such an untalented has-been as Steven Seagal get such a massive ego?

    He's not even someone who was once really big and has suffered some sort of tragic decline. He's been in formulaic b-movies since his career began and he's basically an industry laughingstock.

    Dan Ivan, one of the guys who helped bring Japanese martial arts to the US, was a very good friend of my father. At some point, my dad told him that story, and Dan just chuckled. Said that when Seagal used to work for him, his name was pronounced seagull.

    On that note, Dan was really cool person until you started hearing the stories (he worked law enforcement in occupation Japan and had some very rough friends after coming back to the US), at which point this rather small, very friendly man became an absolutely frightening figure.

    Knuckle Dragger on
    Let not any one pacify his conscience by the delusion that he can do no harm if he takes no part, and forms no opinion.

    - John Stuart Mill
  • Options
    Der Waffle MousDer Waffle Mous Blame this on the misfortune of your birth. New Yark, New Yark.Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    My favorite Pony celebrity story is still the one about Scott McNeill doing a reading of some Dinobot-Rattrap slash-fic.

    Der Waffle Mous on
    Steam PSN: DerWaffleMous Origin: DerWaffleMous Bnet: DerWaffle#1682
  • Options
    Raybies666Raybies666 Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Wow, if thats who I think it is he got fat

    If that's who I think it it iss, he was always fat.

    And now new fat seems to go straight to his face.

    Raybies666 on
    Beat me on Wii U: Raybies
    Beat me on 360: Raybies666

    I remember when I had time to be good at games.
  • Options
    TamTam Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Tam wrote: »
    Huh, I was just introduced to that Welles clip last night. I kind of give Orson Welles a pass because I can't think of any other American to match the classiness of that voice, and speech, however arrogantly he uses it.

    Naw, after listening to that I'm going to have to go with "asshole" or possibly "arrogant douchebag".

    Oh I'm sorry, it might also be the whole "probably the greatest film director in American history and extremely witty and intelligent man" in addition to the speech and voice that makes me give him a pass for being a horse's ass.

    Tam on
  • Options
    JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Place at the tableRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Duffel wrote: »
    How does such an untalented has-been as Steven Seagal get such a massive ego?

    He's not even someone who was once really big and has suffered some sort of tragic decline. He's been in formulaic b-movies since his career began and he's basically an industry laughingstock.

    Dan Ivan, one of the guys who helped bring Japanese martial arts to the US, was a very good friend of my father. At some point, my dad told him that story, and Dan just chuckled. Said that when Seagal used to work for him, his name was pronounced seagull.

    On that note, Dan was really cool person until you started hearing the stories (he worked law enforcement in occupation Japan and had some very rough friends after coming back to the US), at which point this rather small, very friendly man became an absolutely frightening figure.

    Hey I know aikido teachers with NO acting career with egos almost that bad.

    JohnnyCache on
  • Options
    OrganichuOrganichu poops peesRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited September 2009
    Duffel wrote: »
    How does such an untalented has-been as Steven Seagal get such a massive ego?

    He's not even someone who was once really big and has suffered some sort of tragic decline. He's been in formulaic b-movies since his career began and he's basically an industry laughingstock.

    Dan Ivan, one of the guys who helped bring Japanese martial arts to the US, was a very good friend of my father. At some point, my dad told him that story, and Dan just chuckled. Said that when Seagal used to work for him, his name was pronounced seagull.

    On that note, Dan was really cool person until you started hearing the stories (he worked law enforcement in occupation Japan and had some very rough friends after coming back to the US), at which point this rather small, very friendly man became an absolutely frightening figure.

    Hey I know aikido teachers with NO acting career with egos almost that bad.

    heh

    Organichu on
  • Options
    ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I wonder if celebrities have a forum somewhere where they post "stories about that asshole from the convention circuit that Alice bought a diet coke for".

    Improvolone on
    Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
  • Options
    darleysamdarleysam On my way to UKRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Brian888 wrote: »
    darleysam wrote: »
    DHS Odium wrote: »
    Duffel wrote: »
    It's pretty easy to manipulate height through simple camera tricks. Look at the hobbits in the LOTR movies - the actors were just as tall as the human characters, of course, but they made them look about half that.

    They did that with CG.

    Uhh.. for the shots where you see tiny-looking hobbits alongside normal-heighted guys? They used either children or dwarves.


    They also used perspective tricks, as in the scene near the beginning of Fellowship when Frodo and Gandalf are riding on the wagon together.

    Yeah, true, but it was reading like they exclusively used Wood, Astin and the rest for all the shots, and some clever effects and trickery. There were some shots they just couldn't fake.

    darleysam on
    forumsig.png
  • Options
    darleysamdarleysam On my way to UKRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Richard Dean Anderson - My sister was on a set with him, and apparently he has (or had) a very "Do you know who I am" sort of superiority complex.

    Yes, MacGyver.

    Then I would laugh.

    darleysam on
    forumsig.png
  • Options
    HonkHonk Honk is this poster. Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2009
    I will forget what was mentioned about Richard Dean Anderson here. For my world to function he has to be the most flawless person in existence.

    Honk on
    PSN: Honkalot
  • Options
    Gabriel_PittGabriel_Pitt (effective against Russian warships) Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Duffel wrote: »
    How does such an untalented has-been as Steven Seagal get such a massive ego?
    I'm sure Erika Eleniak's tits had something to do with it.

    Gabriel_Pitt on
  • Options
    DuffelDuffel jacobkosh Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Duffel wrote: »
    How does such an untalented has-been as Steven Seagal get such a massive ego?

    He's not even someone who was once really big and has suffered some sort of tragic decline. He's been in formulaic b-movies since his career began and he's basically an industry laughingstock.

    Dan Ivan, one of the guys who helped bring Japanese martial arts to the US, was a very good friend of my father. At some point, my dad told him that story, and Dan just chuckled. Said that when Seagal used to work for him, his name was pronounced seagull.

    On that note, Dan was really cool person until you started hearing the stories (he worked law enforcement in occupation Japan and had some very rough friends after coming back to the US), at which point this rather small, very friendly man became an absolutely frightening figure.

    Hey I know aikido teachers with NO acting career with egos almost that bad.

    I thought Aikido was supposed to be all about asceticism, humility and harmony.

    That's what I gathered from reading a few of Morihei Ueshiba's biographies, anyway.

    Duffel on
  • Options
    DarksierDarksier Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Duffel wrote: »
    Duffel wrote: »
    How does such an untalented has-been as Steven Seagal get such a massive ego?

    He's not even someone who was once really big and has suffered some sort of tragic decline. He's been in formulaic b-movies since his career began and he's basically an industry laughingstock.

    Dan Ivan, one of the guys who helped bring Japanese martial arts to the US, was a very good friend of my father. At some point, my dad told him that story, and Dan just chuckled. Said that when Seagal used to work for him, his name was pronounced seagull.

    On that note, Dan was really cool person until you started hearing the stories (he worked law enforcement in occupation Japan and had some very rough friends after coming back to the US), at which point this rather small, very friendly man became an absolutely frightening figure.

    Hey I know aikido teachers with NO acting career with egos almost that bad.

    I thought Aikido was supposed to be all about asceticism, humility and harmony.

    That's what I gathered from reading a few of Morihei Ueshiba's biographies, anyway.

    But then the lure of the Dark Side of the force is just too great for some.

    Darksier on
  • Options
    darleysamdarleysam On my way to UKRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Who was it that has the Alannis Morisette story that's now in Awesome Posts, that I can't be bothered to look up?

    darleysam on
    forumsig.png
  • Options
    GonmunGonmun He keeps kickin' me in the dickRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    darleysam wrote: »
    Who was it that has the Alannis Morisette story that's now in Awesome Posts, that I can't be bothered to look up?

    You mean the one about the ketchup? I remember the story but I can't for the life of me remember who told it. It was an awesome story though.

    Gonmun on
    desc wrote: »
    ~ * swole patrol flying roundhouse kick top performer recognition: April 2014 * ~
    If you have a sec, check out my podcast: War and Beast Twitter Facebook
  • Options
    ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Aye, I regularly tell it myself (not as if it happened to me though)

    Improvolone on
    Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
  • Options
    AtomikaAtomika Live fast and get fucked or whatever Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    When I was about ten, my dad took my younger brother and I to a Texas Rangers game and we had gotten really good tickets from a family friend, like third row behind home plate. My dad, being a huge golf fanatic, suddenly starts getting wiggy about these two dudes sitting a few rows behind us.

    "Hey, boy, see that guy with the white polo on sitting next to the guy in the suit? Get him to autograph your hat."

    "Why?"

    "He's Ben Crenshaw. One of the best golfers ever."

    "Oh."

    So I turn around and hand Crenshaw my had and a pen, but I only get as far as, "Mr. Crenshaw, would you mind if---," when the guy in the sportcoat grabs the hat and signs it himself. Crenshaw gives the guy a weird look, takes the hat from him, signs it also, and hands the hat back to me. I head back to my seat, and to this day I'll never forget what Ben Crenshaw jokingly said to the guy who signed my hat first:


    "I'm pretty sure no one wants your autograph, Bush."

    Atomika on
  • Options
    deowolfdeowolf is allowed to do that. Traffic.Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Beautiful.

    deowolf on
    [SIGPIC]acocoSig.jpg[/SIGPIC]
  • Options
    PeregrineFalconPeregrineFalcon Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Gonmun wrote: »
    darleysam wrote: »
    Who was it that has the Alannis Morisette story that's now in Awesome Posts, that I can't be bothered to look up?

    You mean the one about the ketchup? I remember the story but I can't for the life of me remember who told it. It was an awesome story though.

    Tasteticle.

    http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?p=9495811#post9495811
    I slam my hands down on my table and say "Dammit, Alanis Morissette, give me your ketchup!" in that overly loud, but not quite yelling tone of voice.

    PeregrineFalcon on
    Looking for a DX:HR OnLive code for my kid brother.
    Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
  • Options
    GonmunGonmun He keeps kickin' me in the dickRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Gonmun wrote: »
    darleysam wrote: »
    Who was it that has the Alannis Morisette story that's now in Awesome Posts, that I can't be bothered to look up?

    You mean the one about the ketchup? I remember the story but I can't for the life of me remember who told it. It was an awesome story though.

    Tasteticle.

    http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?p=9495811#post9495811
    I slam my hands down on my table and say "Dammit, Alanis Morissette, give me your ketchup!" in that overly loud, but not quite yelling tone of voice.

    :^: You sir are a scholar and a gentleman.

    Gonmun on
    desc wrote: »
    ~ * swole patrol flying roundhouse kick top performer recognition: April 2014 * ~
    If you have a sec, check out my podcast: War and Beast Twitter Facebook
  • Options
    QuidQuid Definitely not a banana Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    You know what I'm not seeing? The glorious post about David Carradine.

    Massive post quoted below.
    Let me preface this by saying sorry for the massive post.


    This took place a few years back, but its worth mentioning all the same. I worked for a sword/knife/things that hurt retailer, and my boss decided out of the blue that he wanted to own a hobby shop/video game retailer/lan center. So I set about making this happen, and 3 months later we had the most rediculously posh hangout for generically depressed teenagers this side of the Mississippi. Word.

    Our grand opening rolls around and the mother company (sword retailer) was doing killer business on kill bill swords, so my boss decided to book David Carradine for the grand opening. Us normal folk realized this was quite possibly the worst idea ever (hobby shops don't turn a profit THAT fast) and tried to dissuade him, but he stuck to his guns. Phone calls were made, hotels were booked, and 400 bill demon swords were purchased for him to sign. The night before the big event arrives, and David is flown in, along with his creepy fucking manager. We're all sitting around in the shop hanging out with coworkers from the mother store, our girlfriends, wives, etc. We wait for 4 hours, and what I can only describe as a lich strolls into the store, reeking of alcohol. Our celebrity was here at last. Joy.

    Over the next 4 hours, David Carradine regails us with stories of his youth, how he discovered fire, sailed on the arc, etc. His manager is talking to us, and one by one, shakes hands with the guys at the shop, tricking everyone one of us into grabbing his 3 fingered hand. Dirty, creepy manager. Meanwhile, Carradine signs swords, calls my incredibly short wife a hobbit repeatedly, and gets progressively drunker before spotting some larp practice swords that some idiot had lugged in earlier, demanding that someone fight him. My boss is insane, and agrees that "fencing with bill" would be amazing shit. They "fight" for a few minutes, which is little more than David picking up the sword, swinging once or twice before breaking back into story, and then going back to more swings. His drunk mind realized at some point that the padded end of the sword wasn't doing anything to my boss, flips the sword around to the unpadded end, and proceeds to wail on my boss's nuts until he falls over. Its like a demon took over him. The wife and I have a good laugh, seeing a great opportunity to collect our shit (he mispelled both our name AND his own when signing our swords) and exit stage right for our long drive home to get a tiny amount of sleep. As we're leaving, David is suddenly in the doorway in front of us, with a giant grin on his face.

    David: "Hitting the ol' dusty trail?"
    Me: "Yeah, early morning and all, you know. It was great meeting you, really a treat."
    David: "You too, you too. Listen, I have something to tell you before you leave, this is really important."
    Me: "Yeah? Lay it on me." (Wife looking nervous)
    David: "You're a young man, a lot ahead of you, and theres three things that helped me in life that you should know about. First, never leave something at what if."
    Me: "Ok, keep going (nodding)"
    David: "Second, this applies as you get older, never waste a hard-on."
    Me: "Hehe, ok."
    David: "Last, never trust a fart."
    Me: "o.O"

    He shook my hand and walked back into the room after that. Crazy.

    We arrive in the morning to a frantic mess. I really don't want to know what transpired after I left, but I ask anyways. Apparently David and crew drank every last bit of alcohol, and we had to refill the frige, or he wasn't going to show up for the grand opening. So I get a list that sounds more like someone must have taken the order over a pair of dixie cups instead of an actual phone, and proceed to scour the entire city for his "nectar of the gods". Noon rolls around and we're set to open in an hour, no sign of David. My boss calls his partner, frantically, demanding that he do something. We get a call back about 15 minutes later that he's on his way, David in tow. My boss walks over to me and informs me of this, so that I can "bolster morale" with the staff. The following transpires:

    Me: "So, how did he get him to leave the hotel room?"
    Boss: "Bourbon and coke, apparently."
    Me: "I drove to TWELVE liquor stores and he just wanted a bourbon and coke?"
    Boss: "I'm guessing he didn't mean cola."
    Me: "Oh, ok."
    Me: ".... OH."

    I about crash through the wall getting to our other office to let everyone know just what to expect. I run in to find the guys shocking each other with tazers out of boredom. I tell my story, and everyone is running around suddenly. Awesome.

    Carradine shows up, and for the better part of 3 hours, although very letcherous, and obviously drunk, he's talking to people and signing autographs, generally behaving himself. Then some wackjob comes in dressed like fucking crocodile dundee, with two bullwhips. David is a crazy hippy bastard, and wants to see the guy crack the whips. Let me preface this travesty by saying that we had a street cop stop by to see what the event was, and he was standing around talking to the dj from the local radio station that had shown up to broadcast from the event. Anyways, the guy cracks his whip, a couple people clap, etc. Well, David gets up, and says three words you never want to hear a drunk person say around ANY weapon.

    "Let ME try."

    He grabs the whip, tests it for a moment before cracking it with all his force through the air. The end of the whipe ERUPTS with fucking thunder, 2 inches in front of the street cops face. It looks like it took everything he had in him not to shit himself. He just kind of stopped talking, mumbled something, and walked out. We scramble to clear everything up, but the cop had already gotten the hell out of dodge. We decide its time to wrap things up for a little break, and my boss announces that he called a photographer to take some group pictures of the "team" and that we were going to gather out front. I'm sitting with a clipboard coordinating things, looking around, wondering where the next spot of terror is going to strike. We line everyone up, and the photographer decides that we should have David and my boss mock fighting with swords. I'm in the back jumping up and down, waving my arms, shaking my head, mouthing NO, over and over. My wife said I looked like I was seizuring. Crisis averted, pictures taken, event over. I surprisingly managed to go the entire day without one heart attack. Amazing.

    Quid on
Sign In or Register to comment.