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Help my Self-confidence *update*
xeviq
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I read all these "I'm single now... Halp!" threads on H/A, never once thinking I'd need to make one myself.
Well here I am. My girlfriend broke up with me and told me she cheated on me.
On top of that she told me:
I feel betrayed and disgusted. But most of all my self-confidence is shot.
I've been trying to get myself to feel better about me, but it's hard.
I've been surrounding myself with friends and family that like me. Looking in the mirror everyday and saying "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Dog-gone It, People Like Me!" I've been talking to this really cute girl that says she's interested in me, but I feel as if all I ever do when I text or call her is bug her.
I know time will heal all wounds or something like that. But man, there has to be something out there to make me feel better about myself.
H/A, please help me.
Well here I am. My girlfriend broke up with me and told me she cheated on me.
On top of that she told me:
- "The last 3 years were all a mistake."
- "We never should have gotten serious."
- "I was never in love with you."
- "I've never really been physically attracted to you."
I feel betrayed and disgusted. But most of all my self-confidence is shot.
I've been trying to get myself to feel better about me, but it's hard.
I've been surrounding myself with friends and family that like me. Looking in the mirror everyday and saying "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Dog-gone It, People Like Me!" I've been talking to this really cute girl that says she's interested in me, but I feel as if all I ever do when I text or call her is bug her.
I know time will heal all wounds or something like that. But man, there has to be something out there to make me feel better about myself.
H/A, please help me.
xeviq on
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You want to feel better about yourself?
1) Start exercising.
Don't worry, you don't suddenly wake up one morning ripped to the gills with beefcake muscle... but you'll get toned, and you'll feel miles better overall. You'll have more energy, and you'll feel better about how much better you're looking.
2) Don't be afraid of rejection -- it's not always your fault.
Cute girl flirting with you? When you ask her out she's not interested? That happens. If pairing up was easy, there wouldn't be a brazillion-dollar industry in dating tips. Just take it in stride.
I'll second the excercise part. Specially lifting weights. It doesn't matter what your goals are, either to loose a couple of pounds, get ripped, whatever. There's no better feeling than leaving a gym after a good workout.
The more important thing is that you don't need to hate on her, or concentrate on whether she was wrong and by what degree. Obviously you know you're a kick-ass guy. One person's opinion regarding you, whatever it may be, does not have much bearing on the real you, or the ultimate truth that those people who do care about you see. You don't need to be asking random strangers on the internet if you're awesome. You already know you are. Hang out with your friends, do whatever the fuck you enjoy doing and get out there and live your life. Put the people who didn't stick by you aside, they're no longer a part of your future.
I feel as if she was trying to break up with me in the worst possible way without having to come clean.
Regardless if it was all lies or not, it doesn't change the fact that it hurt... a lot.
I like the exercise idea. I will most likely start doing that.
Also, the day after she did it, I got a new (cuter) hair cut... but for some reason it still didn't help much.
Well, don't expect anything to just magically make you feel better. You have to want to as well (which is often easier said than done).
If you feel yourself slipping in the pits, just take a step back and breathe for a second. Think about things in your life that are awesome (and there are some).
It's hard to explain... it's like I know I'm amazing I just don't feel it.
It's not that I expected the hair cut to fix it all... just help a bit. But I got nothing, even with all the compliment's I'm getting: nothing.
This is actually true. Working out makes you feel more confident and just makes you feel better in general, more energy and everything. It's what i did when my ex of 4 years burned me in a similar way (minus the "this was a mistake" thing that was harsh, and she still wanted to sleep with me, but also see other people, which i thought was BS.) anyhow i started working out, and also going out with friends with the goal of making some new friends. Ended up with a wonderful hot bombshell gamer chick (And when i say bombshell, i mean it, she makes her money modelling.) and started working out on a daily basis. I feel way better and way more confident, and once you get out there you will find people who are attracted to you through just personality alone. Confidence is also a key to finding somone else, i dont pretend to be an expert but i've never heard of a girl who is attracted to somone who has no self confidence at all and just moans about how crappy their life is.
I even ran into my ex with me new lady, and it was pretty satisfying when she was still the same and here i was, lost 30 pounds, gained muscle, with a new girl who actually loves spending time with me on my arm. And she was there, single, staring daggers at me and even making rude comments to my lady when we were on the dance floor. All you gotta do is prove to yourself you ARE worth it, and get out there and meet some new people and get your name and your self out in the open. Get known, exercise, expand your circle of friends. Most girls are really nice and not shallow at all, even the really really pretty ones who you think "Oh shes way out of me league" well no, maybe shes not. No harm in just striking up a conversation right? If you get blown off who cares, just means she probably wasnt that interesting anyways because honestly any girl who looks at a guy and goes "ew" because of their looks is not worth anybody's time anyhow. In the very least you will end up making a bunch of cool new friends ! There's nothing wrong with that.
Don't bother hating on your ex or thinking about her at all. Cut all ties, get rid of stuff that reminds you of her. It's time to think about YOU and what you want to be and the people you want to be arond. That's whats important right now. Thinking about her won't change a thing, and by the sounds of what she said? She ain't worth the thought process anyways.
So, read my second sentence, there.
There is a time element as well, of course. It will get easier.
Very few people end up alone, destitute and unhappy. Keep going, moving forward -
Recomendation: Listen to "Details in the Fabric" by Jason Mraz. You'll be a new man.
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then on one of these outings I got picked up by a girl and things turned around after that. sure I wasnt getting in any serious relationships but at that point having a woman (cute one at that) want to fuck me was a great ego boost. Of course I ended up whoring it up for like 2 years but meh, you do what you gotta do to make yourself better.
Well, after listening to some good music, eating some ice cream and watching bad horror movies with friends, and then working out (lost 30 pounds!)... I began to feel much better about my self. I would look in the mirror and see the decent person I am, instead of seeing someone who I didn't like. Not to mention all these lovely people on this very board made me feel a lot better about my self. I even managed to get a lovely boyfriend from this very forum as well... and you know what? He's about a billion times better than my ex, and though we've only been dating for around a month, I feel MUCH more of a connection with him than I ever have with my ex.
Now that that rant is over, I have to say.... you WILL get through this. Your ex sounds like a monstrous bouquet of dick, and she's so not worth any of your time. Keep telling yourself you ARE an awesome person, because well.. hell, you are, and keep your chin up.
Also, get mad. Get really fucking mad, and listen to some serious metal or something and just rock the fuck out. It gets a lot of that pent up anger out with out hurting anyone, and it seriously helped me.
And not only is this song hilarious.... but it also seems appropriate. Listen to all of it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxRCDmHwlEQ
You'll find your self a lady that appreciates everything you do, and WON'T cheat on you, and WILL love you, and WON'T think any time with you was a mistake. Just keep on being optimistic.
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Yes venting works, just dont get super mad and like punch things.. that are made of metal, or stone or wood or any material that is harder than your hands.
Trust me
My ex-wife told me the same crap (cheated, never loved me, never attracted to me) when she moved out after 3 years of marriage (specifically after I had put her through college up to graduation). I sulked/waited for her in our old apartment for 3 months. Then I worked 8 hours a day and played WoW everyday, 6-8 hours a day for about 2 months. Got a bloodelf to level 70 one and a half weeks after BC came out. After grieving for that long, I went back to school, started working out and found an AMAZING woman who loves me for who I am. I've never been happier.
Moral of the story: Grieve (its healthy), then work on improving yourself. Everything else will fall into place.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Rb4RTOST1g&feature=channel
There aren't a lot of cases where I say that someone is better off with or without someone -- usually it simply is what it is. But she told you the last three years were a mistake and she didn't love you? Yeah, Thanatos is spot-on when he says that sort of bullshit is never true, and even if it was, you'd have to be a grade-A asshole to say it to someone's face.
And you're too good for a grade-A asshole.
I don't usually agree with Thanatos, but this is what I think. Even though this sucks, you could also see it as a good thing that can only make you stronger. Clearly she was tiptoeing around the breakup and had to be afraid of what YOU would think or what YOU might say or do. You essentially had the upper hand.
I feel that in some way, you should be as confident, if not moreso, than you were before. But that's purely unbridled optimism. You're clearly better than she is.
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Your posts are always awesome.
I agree with everything she said.
Liming won't do it justice.
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but the last time I was broken up with, I really got a kick out of this song:
(warning, I believe this song holds some record for most profanity in a published song.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poOfsDVq9KE
This conversation wasn't muddled with emotions like the day she broke up with me. So I was able to judge her honesty better and she seems sincere about all of it.
I'm inclined to try and pursue a friendship with her. We were friends for 3 years before the 3 years of dating. Plus I still love her and I would rather not live in a world without her... even if we aren't together.
I'm still going to work out more often. Going to pick up bike riding again... I remember looking GOOD when I did that all those years ago.
Not going to look for a girlfriend just yet, but I am going to try and surround myself with more attractive females than usual. So far so good on that front. Watching Taken tonight with one of them.
Thanks a lot, H/A. I wasn't quite looking for "you're awesome" responses. Mainly things to do to get myself to remember I'm awesome. But having strangers from the internet tell me I am awesome did help slightly.
Also the music helped a lot, especially yours Alyce. I laughed so freaking hard, I almost cried.
Again: thank you.
I could never be friends with someone that was this hurtful on purpose (ignoring the fact that she cheated on you).
Man, you need to make like that Guy in the Mad Max II and "Just walk away"
If she really cared about your feelings and well being, then maybe she wouldn't have cheated on you?
All I'm saying is you don't have to be a jerk, but friends probably won't happen. You may try it for a little while, but I don't think you two will be still talking in 3 months.
Working out is awesome stress relief, and the bonus is that you start looking sooo good.
At least I want to try and be on good terms with each other. We have the same interests and frequent the same locations. And I don't want there to be any or too much awkwardness nor any compromise on who gets to go to where and such.
Edit:
Also I'm a really forgiving person. I know she regrets cheating on me and saying those things to me.
We've all done things we feel sorry about and would take back in a heart beat. I know I have. And I'm not one to judge other people for the terrible things they have done.
Oops sorry, I got a vibe that you were going to try and jump in the friend-shoes right away. Reading comprehension for the win, my bad
I just don't want to have to go "Is ***** going to be there?" or run into her there and have the whole time be awkward.
Plus it will be easier on our mutual friends. I hate having to divide my time between an ex-couple. I've lost friends that way because it ended up being easier to hang out with one than the other.
It was terrible. I just fell in love with her again and she used me for companionship until I went to college and she had to find her own friends. Once she had her own friends she told me to get lost.
I'm not saying that your experience would be like mine, but I think that more often than not being friends just doesn't work without 1-2 years apart.
You admit that one of your reasons for being friends is because you love her and would rather not imagine life without her. I'm sorry dude, you've got to man up and get used to the idea. You're going to go your way in life and she's going to go hers. Eventually she'll be dating and married, and you'd have to be crazy to still be involved in her life at that point.
It sucks, but that's life. The pain ends eventually, and you'll find someone great that makes this whole thing seem silly.
Edit: Okay, just saw your last post. "Friendly" is good. There's almost never a good reason not to be polite.
You did nothing wrong - even if what she said was true, and it's probably not since every guy on this forum is a handsome and debonair man-about-town, then she's fucking crazy for building a relationship for someone she felt nothing for and you're better off without her.
You'll find someone great, just keep at it. 3.5 billion women in the world and all that.
And if you run into her just do what John Wayne/Jeff Goldblum would do - if she talks to you respond politely and otherwise act as if she doesn't exist, because man a girl who would treat you like that very well shouldn't.
Don't try to change yourself completely. Keep your morals and maturity.
Don't come back from a weekend trip with hickies on your neck from your best childhood friend girl.
Yourself, yes.
Man does it suck.
Be happy about it. You get to find someone better, for real.
"Just walk away." I would take this advice. You're hurting right now and will not be able to make rational decisions.
When my ex pulled something like this I got pretty bummed and tried to get her back. I'm not saying you'll do the same thing, but it's better if you simply don't interact with her at all.
Over time your pain will succumb and find new places to hide, but it never goes away and you never forget...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TL4XZdyo3g
QFT. I tried to hang out with my ex two days after we broke up and I was miserable the entire time. Feelings don't ever go away that fast. I tried to make a friendship work after I stopped feeling as hurt, but hey, she's a bitch and it didn't happen. Now we don't talk, don't see each other, she has a new guy, etc. My life is better with her not in it. It took me almost a year to fully realize that, but when I did, I became a much happier person.
And I'm right there with you on the whole "not feeling awesome, self esteem sucks" thing. After she dumped me, I was completely bagging on myself for months. It's hard to wrap your mind around pouring 100% of yourself into a someone and then just having them drop you. It destroys any good thoughts you might have about yourself when you start thinking things like "If I put this much effort into this relationship and it still didn't work out, what does that say about me?" It's easy to go down the road of being completely down on yourself when you start thinking that way.
But the good news is it happens all the time to good people. Right now, some guy/girl is getting their heart broken by someone. Maybe that someone is a complete dick/bitch. Maybe they're just dumping the person because they don't feel attracted to them anymore. Maybe it's not working out on both ends. Who knows? The fact is, a lot of relationships end. Way more end than actually work out. That's just the way things go. So let time heal you while you better yourself. Get your confidence back. Go talk to random girls and don't give a crap whether they like you or not (it took me a long time to get to that point, but now talking to random chicks is fun instead of intimidating). Get in the best shape of your life. Go learn to cook. Just do something.
And you know what? If you do that, life will be great whether you've got a guy/girl on your arm or not. I haven't been in a relationship in a year and a half and, while I wouldn't be opposed to having a girlfriend, life is still great without one. I recently moved into an apartment by myself, I'm trying to get in great shape and next year, I'm thinking about starting some martial arts training. Be happy with you and everything else will work out fine.