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And equally picking the safe option, or making a decision without all the necessary information (like the fact that this really close friend loves you) is not going to lead everyone to a great place either.
I wasn't really responding to your post in particular, btw (despite the quote). More the general tone of the responses so far.
My advice: if you are going to stay in contact with the friend - tell your wife what happened. If your wife finds out later, and you didn't tell her about it and stayed in contact with this girl ... I think your wife will be very hurt and confused.
Yep. The cat's out of the bag now and if your wife ever found out about this from someone other than you, hoo boy, I'd hate to be in your shoes. And believe me, secrets have a weird way of getting out more easily than you think.
Now, there is the distinct possibility that she'll be cool with it and say "well hey, I married you and she didn't, she had her chance, no worries". Of course there's the far more likely probability that she'll be none too pleased and tell you (or at least strongly insinuate) that you and your friend no longer hang out at any point, ever. Irrational? Perhaps, but I doubt very seriously you'll have an easy time finding a person who wouldn't behave in that same manner. Most people (at least anyone that I've ever known or spoken with about it) really don't care for the idea that their partner's "best friend" is in love with them. It's just not a terribly comfortable situation to be in.
I don't know, maybe my vagina doesn't make me crazy or paranoid or jealous but if my boyfriend came home tonight and told me his best friend said she loved him it wouldn't phase me. Unless you are so insecure in your relationship that you think your SO would actually cheat on you (which sounds like a crappy relationship IMO) why would it matter? If I found out he didn't tell me because he thought it would be awkward and didn't want to bring it up but wanted to just put it behind him that wouldn't phase me either.
If his wife freaks out and demands he never see his long time friend again then she's a crazy bitch. Just because a lot of women are crazy bitches who would do this, that doesn't make it better.
A) Tell your wife. Be prepared for the possibility that she will ask you not to communicate with your friend for awhile, unless and until those feelings start to fade.
Give your friend some distance. If you love her and she loves you and you each know this and you keep chatting with her on a semi-regular basis, bad shit will happen. And from the way you're talking, it's not at all clear that you're in love with your wife and only your wife and have no interest in Random Girly Friend.
ElJeffe on
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HalfmexI mock your value systemYou also appear foolish in the eyes of othersRegistered Userregular
My advice: if you are going to stay in contact with the friend - tell your wife what happened. If your wife finds out later, and you didn't tell her about it and stayed in contact with this girl ... I think your wife will be very hurt and confused.
Yep. The cat's out of the bag now and if your wife ever found out about this from someone other than you, hoo boy, I'd hate to be in your shoes. And believe me, secrets have a weird way of getting out more easily than you think.
Now, there is the distinct possibility that she'll be cool with it and say "well hey, I married you and she didn't, she had her chance, no worries". Of course there's the far more likely probability that she'll be none too pleased and tell you (or at least strongly insinuate) that you and your friend no longer hang out at any point, ever. Irrational? Perhaps, but I doubt very seriously you'll have an easy time finding a person who wouldn't behave in that same manner. Most people (at least anyone that I've ever known or spoken with about it) really don't care for the idea that their partner's "best friend" is in love with them. It's just not a terribly comfortable situation to be in.
I don't know, maybe my vagina doesn't make me crazy or paranoid or jealous but if my boyfriend came home tonight and told me his best friend said she loved him it wouldn't phase me. Unless you are so insecure in your relationship that you think your SO would actually cheat on you (which sounds like a crappy relationship IMO) why would it matter? If I found out he didn't tell me because he thought it would be awkward and didn't want to bring it up but wanted to just put it behind him that wouldn't phase me either.
If his wife freaks out and demands he never see his long time friend again then she's a crazy bitch. Just because a lot of women are crazy bitches who would do this, that doesn't make it better.
That's a bit extreme, I think. Jealousy doesn't make someone a crazy bitch, it makes them human. It's one thing to have a little crush on someone, but when your "best friend" comes out and flat out says they're in love with you, that can put a crimp in a relationship pretty darn quick. Now, if you're immune to such things, then kudos, but I think it's fair to say that such a position is uncommon at best. Being secure in your relationship is fantastic, but as the saying goes, there's no such thing as a sure thing. People are human, mistakes can be and often are made, and that's where the lingering feelings of doubt come in.
And again, this is really less about his friend's admission (though it is noteworthy) and more about the OP's feelings for said friend and how they could potentially affect his relationship with his wife.
Halfmex on
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Captain ElevenThe last card is a kronkRegistered Userregular
My advice: if you are going to stay in contact with the friend - tell your wife what happened. If your wife finds out later, and you didn't tell her about it and stayed in contact with this girl ... I think your wife will be very hurt and confused.
Yep. The cat's out of the bag now and if your wife ever found out about this from someone other than you, hoo boy, I'd hate to be in your shoes. And believe me, secrets have a weird way of getting out more easily than you think.
There is not enough lime, or bold, in the world for this. You need to tell your wife.
My advice: if you are going to stay in contact with the friend - tell your wife what happened. If your wife finds out later, and you didn't tell her about it and stayed in contact with this girl ... I think your wife will be very hurt and confused.
Yep. The cat's out of the bag now and if your wife ever found out about this from someone other than you, hoo boy, I'd hate to be in your shoes. And believe me, secrets have a weird way of getting out more easily than you think.
Now, there is the distinct possibility that she'll be cool with it and say "well hey, I married you and she didn't, she had her chance, no worries". Of course there's the far more likely probability that she'll be none too pleased and tell you (or at least strongly insinuate) that you and your friend no longer hang out at any point, ever. Irrational? Perhaps, but I doubt very seriously you'll have an easy time finding a person who wouldn't behave in that same manner. Most people (at least anyone that I've ever known or spoken with about it) really don't care for the idea that their partner's "best friend" is in love with them. It's just not a terribly comfortable situation to be in.
I don't know, maybe my vagina doesn't make me crazy or paranoid or jealous but if my boyfriend came home tonight and told me his best friend said she loved him it wouldn't phase me. Unless you are so insecure in your relationship that you think your SO would actually cheat on you (which sounds like a crappy relationship IMO) why would it matter? If I found out he didn't tell me because he thought it would be awkward and didn't want to bring it up but wanted to just put it behind him that wouldn't phase me either.
If his wife freaks out and demands he never see his long time friend again then she's a crazy bitch. Just because a lot of women are crazy bitches who would do this, that doesn't make it better.
My concerns were not around his wife's reaction if he tells her NOW. I have no way of knowing, but there's certainly a chance she's be cool with it as many have suggested.
I'm worried what happens if, let's say 2 years from now, she finds out that:
- his female best friend told him she loved him
- he didn't tell his wife
- he kept seeing the friend
Come on - this is common sense. You don't have to be paranoid to be hurt by that. Even if she doesn't suspect anything, she will wonder why he didn't tell her. Doesn't he trust her with his feelings? And the big one: "...if he didn't tell me about this, what else isn't he telling me?"
Being married is not an experiment. It's not something you try out to see what it's like. It's a commitment you made to that person - that they would be the most important person in the world to you.
Does this mean all marriages work? Of course not. One of the things that stops them from working though is lack of communication.
To be blunt: married people tell each other shit. It works better than not telling.
Telling your wife is probably the best thing to do in this situation. However, no one likes to hear that someone is in love with your spouse. Get ready for anything.
Gahmrious on
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mojojoeoA block off the park, living the dream.Registered Userregular
edited September 2009
But she (wife) has to know.
You have to tell her.
Also the other girl is a complete ass for doing that to you. Complete.
mojojoeo on
Chief Wiggum: "Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine."
I really just... don't understand how this was a bitchy move.
Like, it's beyond me. She admitted feelings for you so she could get over them. She outright said she doesn't want anything to come of it, but she was telling you because it's about you.
It's out there, it's over... move on. I can't fathom how this was such a terrible move.
JamesKeenan on
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DynagripBreak me a million heartsHoustonRegistered User, ClubPAregular
I really just... don't understand how this was a bitchy move.
Like, it's beyond me. She admitted feelings for you so she could get over them. She outright said she doesn't want anything to come of it, but she was telling you because it's about you.
It's out there, it's over... move on. I can't fathom how this was such a terrible move.
at the very least it will mess with his head...which it has.
Dynagrip on
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HalfmexI mock your value systemYou also appear foolish in the eyes of othersRegistered Userregular
I really just... don't understand how this was a bitchy move.
Like, it's beyond me. She admitted feelings for you so she could get over them. She outright said she doesn't want anything to come of it, but she was telling you because it's about you.
It's out there, it's over... move on. I can't fathom how this was such a terrible move.
Admitting feelings for someone doesn't help you get over them. Time will do that, time and meeting someone else. Now, of course said she didn't want anything to come of it. This was (likely) because she didn't want to come off as trying to drive a wedge into his marriage, but I would put money on the fact that she at least hoped that he reciprocated those feelings, which he claims he did/does.
Think about it like this: before she made her feelings known to him, he very likely could have gone the rest of his life without even hearing that and not been affected in the least. Now, her admission has planted a seed of doubt in his mind: is his wife really "the one" for him? Would he be happier with this other girl?
And again, think of his wife in all this. She's the innocent bystander who could potentially have her marriage in ruins if this whole thing goes South.
Any way you slice it, this was a bad move on his friend's part. Unrequited love is painful, sure, but a true friend would have to get over those feelings and not endanger a relationship by admitting them.
Did you tell her you think you love her too? If you did, then you have a harder decision on whether or not to tell your wife. In any case, be careful. This is an affair waiting to happen, and your friend is trying to sabotage your marriage, whether she realizes it or not. That was so out of line of her.
I really just... don't understand how this was a bitchy move.
Like, it's beyond me. She admitted feelings for you so she could get over them. She outright said she doesn't want anything to come of it, but she was telling you because it's about you.
It's out there, it's over... move on. I can't fathom how this was such a terrible move.
Because best case it was a purely selfish act, and worst case she's building a foundation to break up his marriage. If she doesn't want anything to come of it, why tell him? She may get closure, but at the cost of dumping all of her baggage about her feelings off her shoulders onto his. There's ways to get over someone who is 100% unavailable besides telling them that you're in love with them and implying that the ball's in their court as to what they do about that information. She just decided to take the easy, selfish way out rather than deal with it on her own.
And the reality is you don't tell someone this unless you have some desperate hope however small that he'll choose you over his wife. Otherwise telling him something like this really makes no sense.
I'm with the "tell your wife" crowd- just say something to the effect of "so-and-so had admitted she had a thing for me" and prepare your answer for the inevitiable "and how do you feel about her?" question.
I'd like to follow my heart more often, but it's a short-sighted, over-emotional retard with poor organization skills.
Sometimes you just gotta say, 'hey, thanks for the heads up lil buddy, I appreciate your input. Now shut the fuck up because I have a life plan going on here.' I don't think the OP has any trouble with keeping the big picture in mind. The only followup I'd suggest is to remove temptation from the picture. It sucks that your friend put you into that position, but take those feelings, kill them the fuck dead, and walk away.
It doesn't matter if you think you might be able to navigate the slippery slope. When the stakes are this high, the wise dude does not simply walk a dangerous path with more care, he puts up warning signs and goes another way entirely.
If you do tell your wife, tell her for the same reason your friend told you. Because you two are close, and that's what you do with someone for whom you are close. You tell them things. But don't treat it as some giant moral imperative.
Everyone seems to be missing the part where the OP said that he is not doubting his marriage in the least. So all this 'slippery slope' bullshit is just people taking the situation in their own separate direction.
There was also the part where the OP came back later and said he was able to view the situation much more rationally now that he actually said it. Also something to think about for everyone who is claiming his friend has ulterior motives.
I really just... don't understand how this was a bitchy move.
Like, it's beyond me. She admitted feelings for you so she could get over them. She outright said she doesn't want anything to come of it, but she was telling you because it's about you.
It's out there, it's over... move on. I can't fathom how this was such a terrible move.
I can fathom its a terrible move in that it may have sad consequences. But I agree with you bitchy isn't the word I would use. And I don't know if I would use the word selfish either.
People have issues and feelings and sometimes they just don't know the best way to handle them.
Posts
I wasn't really responding to your post in particular, btw (despite the quote). More the general tone of the responses so far.
I don't know, maybe my vagina doesn't make me crazy or paranoid or jealous but if my boyfriend came home tonight and told me his best friend said she loved him it wouldn't phase me. Unless you are so insecure in your relationship that you think your SO would actually cheat on you (which sounds like a crappy relationship IMO) why would it matter? If I found out he didn't tell me because he thought it would be awkward and didn't want to bring it up but wanted to just put it behind him that wouldn't phase me either.
If his wife freaks out and demands he never see his long time friend again then she's a crazy bitch. Just because a lot of women are crazy bitches who would do this, that doesn't make it better.
This. Some people (not just women) crave attention and will do anything to do it. Others crave drama.
Long and the short of it: You've made it this far without being with her, you say you are happy and love your wife, so ditch the friend.
Life is short, and its so short that I prefer not to spend the majority of it fighting with my SO.
And again, this is really less about his friend's admission (though it is noteworthy) and more about the OP's feelings for said friend and how they could potentially affect his relationship with his wife.
There is not enough lime, or bold, in the world for this. You need to tell your wife.
My concerns were not around his wife's reaction if he tells her NOW. I have no way of knowing, but there's certainly a chance she's be cool with it as many have suggested.
I'm worried what happens if, let's say 2 years from now, she finds out that:
- his female best friend told him she loved him
- he didn't tell his wife
- he kept seeing the friend
Come on - this is common sense. You don't have to be paranoid to be hurt by that. Even if she doesn't suspect anything, she will wonder why he didn't tell her. Doesn't he trust her with his feelings? And the big one: "...if he didn't tell me about this, what else isn't he telling me?"
Being married is not an experiment. It's not something you try out to see what it's like. It's a commitment you made to that person - that they would be the most important person in the world to you.
Does this mean all marriages work? Of course not. One of the things that stops them from working though is lack of communication.
To be blunt: married people tell each other shit. It works better than not telling.
http://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561198006524737
This is where you should be divulging information.
Read the limed posts that tell you to tell her.
You have to tell her.
Also the other girl is a complete ass for doing that to you. Complete.
Like, it's beyond me. She admitted feelings for you so she could get over them. She outright said she doesn't want anything to come of it, but she was telling you because it's about you.
It's out there, it's over... move on. I can't fathom how this was such a terrible move.
at the very least it will mess with his head...which it has.
Think about it like this: before she made her feelings known to him, he very likely could have gone the rest of his life without even hearing that and not been affected in the least. Now, her admission has planted a seed of doubt in his mind: is his wife really "the one" for him? Would he be happier with this other girl?
And again, think of his wife in all this. She's the innocent bystander who could potentially have her marriage in ruins if this whole thing goes South.
Any way you slice it, this was a bad move on his friend's part. Unrequited love is painful, sure, but a true friend would have to get over those feelings and not endanger a relationship by admitting them.
Because best case it was a purely selfish act, and worst case she's building a foundation to break up his marriage. If she doesn't want anything to come of it, why tell him? She may get closure, but at the cost of dumping all of her baggage about her feelings off her shoulders onto his. There's ways to get over someone who is 100% unavailable besides telling them that you're in love with them and implying that the ball's in their court as to what they do about that information. She just decided to take the easy, selfish way out rather than deal with it on her own.
And the reality is you don't tell someone this unless you have some desperate hope however small that he'll choose you over his wife. Otherwise telling him something like this really makes no sense.
'Cause that's a'comin'.
Sometimes you just gotta say, 'hey, thanks for the heads up lil buddy, I appreciate your input. Now shut the fuck up because I have a life plan going on here.' I don't think the OP has any trouble with keeping the big picture in mind. The only followup I'd suggest is to remove temptation from the picture. It sucks that your friend put you into that position, but take those feelings, kill them the fuck dead, and walk away.
It doesn't matter if you think you might be able to navigate the slippery slope. When the stakes are this high, the wise dude does not simply walk a dangerous path with more care, he puts up warning signs and goes another way entirely.
Everyone seems to be missing the part where the OP said that he is not doubting his marriage in the least. So all this 'slippery slope' bullshit is just people taking the situation in their own separate direction.
There was also the part where the OP came back later and said he was able to view the situation much more rationally now that he actually said it. Also something to think about for everyone who is claiming his friend has ulterior motives.
I can fathom its a terrible move in that it may have sad consequences. But I agree with you bitchy isn't the word I would use. And I don't know if I would use the word selfish either.
People have issues and feelings and sometimes they just don't know the best way to handle them.
Indeed, I was kinda surprised it was still up (when I saw it on the front page.)
Shut up and conform, already. We don't keep you around here to think.