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Fuck my fucking life (first kiss with a homeless man)
DarwinsFavoriteTortoise
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
All right. Let me get something out of the way. I am romantic. I believe in loving a girl, blah blah blah, which is why I am still waiting for the first kiss. Now I've FINALLY found the girl I want, things have been going great, and I'm going to kiss her tomorrow. I expect fireworks to go off. Seriously.
But here's the fucking cockhole bitch of it.
I went to the 7-11 a few hours ago for a midnight milk run. As I'm getting out my debit card, I'm tapped on my shoulder. I turn around and a big fat disgusting wet slobbery every-fucking-nasty-adjective-you-can-think-of kiss is planted on my lips. Some fucking homeless dude (yeah, a goddamn dude) KISSED me! MY FIRST KISS WAS WITH A HOMELESS MAN. He was seriously tweaking out, so I definitely think he was on something, but goddamn. This is something that will stay with me forever.
I just finished brushing my lips for the 100th time and they are nice and raw and clean and devoid of ick. Please, H/A, help, SOMEHOW. My first kiss was supposed to be very special...I mean, its my FIRST KISS. I am seriously nauseous.
The worst part of it is that I could have probably stopped it, if my eyes still weren't focused on entering my pin number when I turned around. Ok, maybe that wasn't the worst part, BUT FUCK.
But here's the fucking cockhole bitch of it.
I went to the 7-11 a few hours ago for a midnight milk run. As I'm getting out my debit card, I'm tapped on my shoulder. I turn around and a big fat disgusting wet slobbery every-fucking-nasty-adjective-you-can-think-of kiss is planted on my lips. Some fucking homeless dude (yeah, a goddamn dude) KISSED me! MY FIRST KISS WAS WITH A HOMELESS MAN. He was seriously tweaking out, so I definitely think he was on something, but goddamn. This is something that will stay with me forever.
I just finished brushing my lips for the 100th time and they are nice and raw and clean and devoid of ick. Please, H/A, help, SOMEHOW. My first kiss was supposed to be very special...I mean, its my FIRST KISS. I am seriously nauseous.
The worst part of it is that I could have probably stopped it, if my eyes still weren't focused on entering my pin number when I turned around. Ok, maybe that wasn't the worst part, BUT FUCK.
DarwinsFavoriteTortoise on
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It will still be special.
It's not that it's your first kiss ever, it's your first kiss with that special someone.
It will be special. It's not like you fucked him. Seriously, there will probably be other girls after this one. How old are you? Young?
Obviously this was a terrible, horrible, disgusting event. But that can't possibly detract from the real first kiss. There is no possible way your first kiss could go any worse than mine did.
it's the first time you meaningfully and purposefully romantically kiss someone and they kiss you back
I mean you don't count kissing your mother when you were a kid as a first kiss right?
Kissing you goodnight
On your lips.
Her beard brustling up against your chin.
Smelling of cheap vodka and cigarettes.
I'm trying to think of some good advice but this is too damn funny to take seriously.
Ahem, seriously though. Some gal kissed me in a nightclub a good few years ago but the only time a kiss meant something to me was when I/we were both into it not so long after and I count that as my first real kiss.
Or did you start kissing him back?
I wish...
NOPE
That aside, this is a hilarious story, and fates way of telling you to chill out, it's just a kiss.
Now, if this was about your virginity we'd have a different story going on here.
This you have a story that will be really hard to beat the next time people start trading hysterical but terrible stories. This is one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time so relax about it. This will only make your first real nonhobo kiss all the better. Unless that hobo was a great kisser, then you're probably doomed to love only hobos forever.
The homeless guy thing is hilarious though. Roll with it, laugh about it with friends.
It's not like you kissed back... dd you?
3DS FC: 5343-7720-0490
That's also a sweet angry break up line. "THE HOBO WAS A BETTER KISSER THAN YOU!!!" *Storm off*
Just thinking ahead!
Even better if she doesn't know the story. :winky:
3DS FC: 5343-7720-0490
Least you now have a kissing partner to practice with. Prepare you to date those rare hairy girls.
I was thinking this too.
But, hey... More power to you.
Edit: Also, how old are you?
Seriously though. While it's pretty disgusting being molested by a stoned hobo, all your weird arbitrary rules here are set by yourself. If you consider that hobo attack a kiss, you have deeper problems than it counting as your first.
Just write it of as something incredibly weird and let it go.
Also; When you finally decide to sleep with this girl, make sure you don't go to a 7-11 to pick up condoms.
Or you could take it as a valuable lesson: take an opportunity for granted and its going to pass you by.
You wanted your first kiss to be some kind of special shit with flowers and fireworks and maybe some angels singing or something. You basically built it up to be this earth shattering moment that's never going to happen. And even if you had finally found the girl of your dreams, fallen in love with her giant angelina jolie lips and finally screwed up your courage on about the third year of going out together to plant one on her, you'd immediately exclaim after its done, "What the fuck? That's it?"
Any activity of a sexual nature doesn't get better the longer you wait for it. It gets better the more you practice at it. Anticipation ages less like a fine wine and more like what an 18, 25, 35, or 50 year old man who's never been kissed would expect to age.
Of course, there's a few diseases transmitted by kissing. You might want to check into that with your doctor before doing any more kissing.
And one last note, either you can change your mind about how you're going to get laid, or you can just put off till tomorrow what a bum will do for you today.
Oh man this is goddamn beautiful. Simply amazing. I love it so.
Anyways, yeah, your first kiss won't be "OH MY GOD FIREWORKS". It will be "... oh. that's it? allright". Same with your first time having sex but that will also include "WAIT NOT YET" at the end.
Also seriously, you have an awesome story now. So really this turned out for the better.
Oh man, please let the same thing happen when visit on your first condom trip. Just for the thread.
Watch your ass next time, literally!
Update us after your magic moment. Let's see if fireworks shoot out of the bushes when it happens.
My first kiss was a short open-mouthed peck practically. Fairly uneventful and spent more time building up to it. After that its much easier and much more fun to go get all sloppy. Which leads to bigger and better things!
They just don't want to give you ideas for where they fucked when they were kids.
In some countries you already are married. Just to be safe, find him, and while you're there, turn around three times, and each time you turn around shout "I DIVORCE YOU!" Technically this only works if your spouse is not menstruating, but there's a pretty low chance of that since it was a guy. I'd check anyway, just to be safe.
Whether or not you have to give him half your stuff afterward is a matter of local statute. You might want to consult an attorney.
However, i wouldn't be surprised if the doctor doesn't believe you at first. God knows i wouldn't
Seriously.
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Mine is a passing memory now too, and I'm 23....
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other