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"So, you want to try the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing?"

nonplussednonplussed Registered User regular
edited October 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
That's not exactly how I want to go about this so I was wondering if y'all gents and lasses had any advice on a guy (who hasn't ever had a girlfriend in the 25 years he's tread the earth) wanting to move into unfamiliar territory with a ladyfriend.

Some (possibly) helpful details:
-Known each other for about a year
-She's recently (over the summer) broken up
-Two dinner dates
-Haven't kissed yet

Am I old fashioned? Going too slow? Going too fast? Bestow me with your vast wealth of knowledge, H/A.

Xbox GT: namplussed
nonplussed on
«13

Posts

  • admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Kiss her.

    admanb on
  • Brodo FagginsBrodo Faggins Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    What was the romantic context (if any) of the dinner dates?

    Brodo Faggins on
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  • Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Take her to the Riviera in La Mesa, impress her with your manly steak grilling ability, KISS HER

    Bendery It Like Beckham on
  • sirchrissypoosirchrissypoo Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    You just gotta go for it. Trust me, women appreciate a man that can show initiative without being pushy. Show her you are interested. Invite her out on a nice dinner date (make sure to call it a date at some point, but don't ask "will you go out with me", it's too high school). Comment on her appearance in a nice way, but don't overdo it. Be gentlemanly without being over-the-top chivalrous. Then, at the end of the night, go for the kiss.

    sirchrissypoo on
  • kedinikkedinik Captain of Industry Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Play it by ear.

    Don't pressure yourself and don't rush into something before it feels like you're both into it. How did the dinner dates go?

    kedinik on
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  • nonplussednonplussed Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    There wasn't really any romantic context (at least, as far as I could tell) as it was me wanting to see if we'd get along outside of our usual realm (a ballroom dance class) and, thus far, there hasn't been anything that's told me to hit the brakes.

    San Diego's Restaurant Week has seemingly been extended to two, so I was thinking of taking her somewhere after our class on Thursday (after informing her ahead of time that I'd like to do so).

    I wonder if mentioning that I haven't kissed her has perhaps made it so that's all you guys can see or if it really gets to the heart of the issue. Either way, that was a conclusion that I'd already reached.

    Now that that's out of the way, any (awesomely nerdy/clever) suggestions on how to approach it?

    nonplussed on
    Xbox GT: namplussed
  • Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    nonplussed wrote: »
    There wasn't really any romantic context (at least, as far as I could tell) as it was me wanting to see if we'd get along outside of our usual realm (a ballroom dance class) and, thus far, there hasn't been anything that's told me to hit the brakes.

    San Diego's Restaurant Week has seemingly been extended to two, so I was thinking of taking her somewhere after our class on Thursday (after informing her ahead of time that I'd like to do so).

    I wonder if mentioning that I haven't kissed her has perhaps made it so that's all you guys can see or if it really gets to the heart of the issue. Either way, that was a conclusion that I'd already reached.

    Now that that's out of the way, any (awesomely nerdy/clever) suggestions on how to approach it?

    No real nerdy/clever suggestions. It's just one of those things you have to go for. When you say goodbye, do you hug? Do you hug for a prolonged period of time?

    She already said yes to go out with you outside of dance class. Is she flirty when you are out? Does she dress up?

    Bendery It Like Beckham on
  • Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Also, you gotta dress nice to let her know that you're interested.

    Slacks and a button up shirt, it's casual without being childish. Don't jeans and T-shirt when going out to dinner, it makes you seem as if you are just interested in being friends.

    Dress to impress, yo.

    Bendery It Like Beckham on
  • nonplussednonplussed Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Hm, I will do the fancier dress thing.

    I should probably move this to Friday, then, since I think it might be uncomfortable for her to have to dress nice for ballroom if she has class prior to it.

    I might be just over-thinking this a bit, but do I ask her Tuesday or Thursday if I want to set something up for Friday? Tuesday gives her time to plan ahead but is seeing each other again before a "serious date" weird?

    I just probably answered that question in my head. I should just ask her Tuesday and not let it get weird. Unless someone gives me a good reason otherwise.

    nonplussed on
    Xbox GT: namplussed
  • mooshoeporkmooshoepork Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Stop over thinking it bro. Ask her already. :P

    mooshoepork on
  • Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    "You free friday night?"

    yes

    "cool lets grab dinner"

    Okay

    "Alright, it's a date!"


    or, "Wanna go on a dinner date? I found a nice place I wanted to check out <insert location herE>

    Bendery It Like Beckham on
  • CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Might be taking it a little slow yeah. If you take her out again and nothing happens she'd be well within her rights to think of them as "friend dates". You have a certain window of opportunity before she makes her mind up about you and dumps you in the friend zone.

    I'm not saying jump recklessly in but I do think you should start making your intentions more clear to her.

    Casual on
  • BuddiesBuddies Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    admanb wrote: »
    Kiss her.

    Best advice. And don't wait for any kind of perfect time, the perfect time is when you just do it.

    Buddies on
  • Robos A Go GoRobos A Go Go Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Maybe you'd be more comfortable asking if you can kiss her instead of just doing it.

    Robos A Go Go on
  • rickoricko Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
  • DrakeDrake Edgelord Trash Below the ecliptic plane.Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Maybe you'd be more comfortable asking if you can kiss her instead of just doing it.

    You don't have to just grab her and kiss her. There are stages of physical contact that lead up to kissing, that you can use to gauge whether or not she'll go for it.

    Walking together, offer her your arm or your hand. This shows that you are into physical contact with her, but gives her control on how close/intimate the contact is. Pay attention for things like little caresses of your hand if holding hands and walking together, they can be pretty subtle. If she pulls into you and walks closely then she's really trying to let you know something. There are ways you can test the waters and deal with initial awkwardness on the way to the first kiss.

    Drake on
  • SkyCaptainSkyCaptain IndianaRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    ricko wrote: »
    I like the Colbie Caillat version of that song.

    SkyCaptain on
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  • FiggyFiggy Fighter of the night man Champion of the sunRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    SkyCaptain wrote: »
    ricko wrote: »
    I like the Colbie Caillat version of that song.

    In case anyone was wondering:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gn7Y2Y9qhy4

    Figgy on
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  • matt has a problemmatt has a problem Points to 'off' Points to 'on'Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Maybe you'd be more comfortable asking if you can kiss her instead of just doing it.
    Yech. Don't do this. Do not ask someone if you can kiss them. If they want you to kiss them, they're going to let you kiss them. If they don't, they'll pull away. Asking just makes you seem indecisive.

    matt has a problem on
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  • JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    If she is giving you signals to go for the kiss go for it. But don't just go from hanging out as possibly friends to trying to shove your tongue down her throat.

    JebusUD on
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  • Robos A Go GoRobos A Go Go Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Maybe you'd be more comfortable asking if you can kiss her instead of just doing it.
    Yech. Don't do this. Do not ask someone if you can kiss them. If they want you to kiss them, they're going to let you kiss them. If they don't, they'll pull away. Asking just makes you seem indecisive.

    I don't see how asking for consent is grosser than trying to kiss someone who doesn't want to be kissed.

    On top of that, if she's going to be in a relationship with someone who needs advice on how to handle a first kiss, this is exactly the kind of awkwardness she should expect. If she can't handle this now, the whole sex thing is going to be awful.

    Robos A Go Go on
  • DogDog Registered User, Administrator, Vanilla Staff admin
    edited September 2009
    Heh, there are plenty of ways to go about asking someone if you can kiss them without being all hurf durf and awkward.

    Unknown User on
  • Robos A Go GoRobos A Go Go Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Of course, but you tend to expect awkwardness on the first go.

    Robos A Go Go on
  • DogDog Registered User, Administrator, Vanilla Staff admin
    edited September 2009
    If this is his first kiss ever I probably wouldn't ask, because it definitely would be awkward.

    Unknown User on
  • Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    You have to have amazing amounts of charisma to be able to pull off asking for a kiss. Since you're going to be uncomfortable, asking will make it awkward, just look for the body language. A good way to tell is if you are giving them a long hug goodbye, and you start to lean back without letting go... if she doesn't let go herself, you're golden. Look her in the eye and kiss her damnit! (just don't do it if she has a "oh god no" look on her face. But she'd probably let go away before that if that was the case.

    Bendery It Like Beckham on
  • DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Scrap the dinner dates, they are a little too formal and get you thinking too much about it.

    Ask her out to get a drink or something downtown. Get drinks, go play pool, I don't know.. just try and have a good time. If things are going really well, after you walk back to her car, give her a kiss as you say goodbye. You will know if she likes it or not.

    There you go.

    Demerdar on
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  • darkmayodarkmayo Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    You have to have amazing amounts of charisma to be able to pull off asking for a kiss. Since you're going to be uncomfortable, asking will make it awkward, just look for the body language. A good way to tell is if you are giving them a long hug goodbye, and you start to lean back without letting go... if she doesn't let go herself, you're golden. Look her in the eye and kiss her damnit! (just don't do it if she has a "oh god no" look on her face. But she'd probably let go away before that if that was the case.

    Asking to kiss someone has always worked for me, of course the writing is usually on the wall when I do that.

    darkmayo on
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  • RentRent I'm always right Fuckin' deal with itRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    nonplussed wrote: »
    There wasn't really any romantic context (at least, as far as I could tell) as it was me wanting to see if we'd get along outside of our usual realm (a ballroom dance class) and, thus far, there hasn't been anything that's told me to hit the brakes.

    San Diego's Restaurant Week has seemingly been extended to two, so I was thinking of taking her somewhere after our class on Thursday (after informing her ahead of time that I'd like to do so).

    I wonder if mentioning that I haven't kissed her has perhaps made it so that's all you guys can see or if it really gets to the heart of the issue. Either way, that was a conclusion that I'd already reached.

    Now that that's out of the way, any (awesomely nerdy/clever) suggestions on how to approach it?

    So, these aren't "dates" at all, these are "friends hanging out"

    Also, make this explicitly clear, whatever you're asking her to do, that this is a date, i.e. two people going on an outing to pursue a romantic partnership

    Rent on
  • rfaliasrfalias Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I've never asked. Ever.
    Just make a move at the end of the date that way you are separating so if she pulls away, awkward situations are brief. I almost always save first-kiss for end of dates.
    You can hug first and see if she responds, then move in. It's fairly simple...

    If she does reel away just play it off, or straight up ask... Just cause she pulls away does not mean she's not interested, it could just be a unexpected.

    rfalias on
  • BuddiesBuddies Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I've had one girl reel away from a kiss. I just kinda smirked and let out a laugh and she explained herself. I was an american living in korea, she was Korean and she had an issue with getting involved with someone that was just going to dissapear in a few months. We had great chemistry and had a couple great dates with really good conversations, and I was a little upset that it didn't work but it did not break my confidence at all.

    I know your planning it out, but it probrably wont go as planned. In any event try and get at least one hand up to her head, kind of holding it with her ear between your thumb and finger and your fingers wrapping back around towards her neck. Little rub/tug on the ear/hair and she's melting in your hands, go get her!

    Buddies on
  • DrZiplockDrZiplock Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Someone asked it already, but I didn't see that it got answered:

    When you parted ways after the last two dinner not-dates, how did it go? Did you two hug? Just kinda go your separate ways? What?


    You're entering the dangerous realm of overthinking this.

    "Hey, I was wondering if you'd be up for going out to dinner this Saturday. Great, pick you up at 7?"

    Man, just let the evening unfold. Go, pick her up, compliment her, enjoy her presence and conversation, no need to go asking if you can smooch. Walk her to her front door, be a gentleman. Then, if things haven't sucked, kiss the girl. You don't even need to plant it on her lips, if you're still feeling a bit odd, go for a cheek, she can always turn her head into you if she's down for some lip locking.

    Want to set the romantic tone early? Have flowers for her when she opens the door. People don't do this enough anymore.

    DrZiplock on
  • Brodo FagginsBrodo Faggins Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Smile, then say "I'm gonna kiss you now" and then pull her in for a hug.

    Brodo Faggins on
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  • nonplussednonplussed Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    @DocZiplock: We've hugged both times. And yes, I understand completely that I may be overthinking this so don't ask about the length, pressure, etc of the hugs. And a single flower sounds like a nice idea.

    @Brodo: I'm not sure if that was a joke but it did inspire an idea. I might overtly slap on some lip balm and then offer her a mint after taking one myself and then maybe not kiss her. And then really do it.

    In any case, phase 1: Date on Friday, complete. On to phase 2!

    nonplussed on
    Xbox GT: namplussed
  • DrZiplockDrZiplock Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    nonplussed wrote: »

    I might overtly slap on some lip balm and then offer her a mint after taking one myself and then maybe not kiss her. And then really do it.

    Don't do this.

    You're adding steps to what is a simple process. Don't add elements, that regardless of how funny or simple you feel that they are, could very easily trip you up.

    Life has an odd way of offering up whatever is needed to add comedy or tragedy to a situation. You don't need to go trying to offer it a leg up.

    DrZiplock on
  • matt has a problemmatt has a problem Points to 'off' Points to 'on'Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Smile, then say "I'm gonna kiss you now" and then pull her in for a hug.
    Ugh, don't do this either. Life is not a romantic comedy. Music will not swell in the background, the camera will not pull back and pan while rose petals fall from the sky. If you're going to kiss her, JUST KISS HER.

    matt has a problem on
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  • JustinSane07JustinSane07 Really, stupid? Brockton__BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2009
    Man fuck that, I got a kiss on a first date because the girl told me halfway through the date that she'd do anything if you dared her. What do you think I dared her to do like 5 minutes later? Total romcom moment. They do happen.

    JustinSane07 on
  • matt has a problemmatt has a problem Points to 'off' Points to 'on'Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Man fuck that, I got a kiss on a first date because the girl told me halfway through the date that she'd do anything if you dared her. What do you think I dared her to do like 5 minutes later?
    That's different. "I'll do anything if someone dares me to" is an invitation, it's an icebreaker. "I'm going to kiss you now" or "Can I kiss you?" is indecisiveness, it's "I want to kiss you but I'm too scared you don't want to kiss me and I don't have the balls to just go for it so I'm going to gauge your reaction to my words before I act."

    matt has a problem on
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  • JustinSane07JustinSane07 Really, stupid? Brockton__BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2009
    I was just relating it's a rom com moment more than anything.

    I'm just trying to say that every person is different. There are people that live in a fairy tale like that and like those kinds of moments. There are others who don't. As has been stated probably 100 million times on this board, you just have to figure out what the person you're presently dating likes and go with that approach. There is no correct answer.

    JustinSane07 on
  • DogDog Registered User, Administrator, Vanilla Staff admin
    edited September 2009
    It's only indecisiveness if you are tacky and awkward about it.

    Unknown User on
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    DrZiplock wrote: »
    nonplussed wrote: »

    I might overtly slap on some lip balm and then offer her a mint after taking one myself and then maybe not kiss her. And then really do it.

    Don't do this.

    You're adding steps to what is a simple process. Don't add elements, that regardless of how funny or simple you feel that they are, could very easily trip you up.

    Life has an odd way of offering up whatever is needed to add comedy or tragedy to a situation. You don't need to go trying to offer it a leg up.

    The red made me cringe. hard. Just kiss the poor girl. She's probably been waiting for it for the last 2 dates.


    Listen to Ziplock. He is a Doctor, afterall.

    AlyceInWonderland on
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