My father passed away last week... (Long)

powerss

I've been meaning to make this thread for quite some time.

I don't know... why I didn't make it sooner.

I'm flooded with emotions. I'm afraid I may be clinically depressed. There's so many things running through my head right now.

Background:

I'm 19, going to college and working part time. My father was in the hospital for 2 and 1/2 weeks for colitis, not life threatening or anything. He was getting much better, he had a lot of energy and he was happy. We bring him back home, and on the 3rd night he died in his sleep. We didn't have an autopsy (a mistake, probably, but it wouldn't bring him back).

So many things are killing me right now. My mothers screams at 7 in the morning when she kept calling his name and there was no answer. The firemen checking his vitals and shaking their heads. The police. The mortuary.

Mostly, it's a sense of "why the fuck did this happen to me?"

I can't stop having dreams about him. I have dreams of giving him CPR, bringing him back. I have dreams of making him walk around more, and he lives through the night (I think deep vein thrombosis killed him, his legs were swollen) I think if I gave him a few advil he would have lived, because it would have thinned his blood.

I just want him back, and I can't get him back. And it's killing me inside.

My mother seems to be taking it better. I'm actually semi-ok during the day, but sometimes I just lose it. I found a voicemail on my phone from him.

I want him back.

The memorial service was beautiful... and I felt better because of it. What's killing me is that his death was preventable, and there's no where to channel my rage or anger. If he died by getting hit by a drunk driver, I could at least blame the driver. Now I can only blame myself; I can only ask "why didn't I".

Why didn't I hug him more? Why did I not stay longer to visit at the hospital?

My father was the most important person in my life. Not my girlfriend of 3 years (although she's everything to me, I was substantially closer to my father) and my mother... well, I love her so much, and now I'm very close to her. But I'm a son and I think sons are closer to their fathers.

I always feared this. He was slightly overweight and 65, and I even made an H/A thread asking about the death of a parent many months ago, before this even happened.

More on my father: http://www.digg.com/apple/Veteran_Fremont_Teacher_Sold_Macs_Apple_Evangelist_Dies_Tony_Scalia_65

I want to "move on" but I feel like I just cant; like I'm disgracing him.

I'm sure I'll have more to say... but... I can't right now.

Any advice, things to do... anything is appreciated.

God bless.

scrivenerjones

I'm sorry for your loss. you mention that you are going to college--at some colleges (mine, at least), being a student entitles you to a certain number of free hours of therapy through the health center. so if that's something you'd be open to, it's worth looking into.

powerss

Yeah, I don't really like where I go to school (San Jose State).

I appreciate your kind words, and I will probably procure an independent psychologist. I have money.

Thanatos

Something you might want to consider is taking the semester off from college. If you talk to them, they'd probably refund the vast majority of your tuition/fees for the semester, and it would allow you to help your mother out with getting her life in order, as well as give you some time to deal with the death of your father without having a lot of other things hanging over you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

powerss

Thanatos wrote:

Something you might want to consider is taking the semester off from college. If you talk to them, they'd probably refund the vast majority of your tuition/fees for the semester, and it would allow you to help your mother out with getting her life in order, as well as give you some time to deal with the death of your father without having a lot of other things hanging over you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I've thought about this too, but my father was a teacher and I don't think it would be what he would want.

I may take a very light courseload though, less than 3 classes or something.

SilverWind

First and foremost, it's not your fault. I can only imagine how difficult it is to accept that fact... but it really isn't your fault. Something being preventable doesn't equate to you being a failure because you didn't prevent it from happening--you didn't know it would happen in advance.

Get some counselling help, even if (or especially if) you decide to continue on with your school year. Make sure you know your options in terms of academics.

It'll take a while to feel alright--to 'move on' so to speak, but it's really more accurately described as carrying on, feeling okay while still remembering.

And remember, try to be happy. You're not disgracing your father-- you were close to him, right? He would want you to carry on, and to be happy. He wouldn't want to see you this distressed.

Filler Inc.

I lost my mother when I was 12. I went through a lot of what you're going through.


Its hard. I've lost 7 people in my life. All 4 grandparents, My aunt, my mom, and my great uncle.

It never gets easier. The easiest way is to just move on. You have to accept that they are gone, and they are never coming back. Look at it logically, what good will dwelling on it do? I'm not saying don't mourne, or don't think about them, but don't be sad when you think about him. When I think of my mom, I try and think of her when she was happy. I try to remember that she loved me, and that she wouldn't want me dwelling on the morbid.

As I said, I've had a lot of death in my lifetime considering it happened between the ages of 12-20. Thats nearly 1 person a year who I was close to, and all through the years you start to really grow into your own person.

So trust me when I say, that it will only bother you constantly if you let it. You don't have to let it bother you. You will reach a point where you come to accept that nothing you can do will bring him back. So why dwell?

Move on. It's the best advice I can give. Its what I did and I'm failry well adjusted. I never had a goth phase. I never went suicidal. I never fell into depression. I just accepted that its a part of life and there was nothing I could do about it.

Think about him and be happy he was in your life, dont think about him and be sad that he isn't in your life.

A lot of this is hard to read, I'm sorry. I haven't had much sleep lately due to the holidays. I'll probably come back when I've had some sleep and try to make more sense and give better advice as to how I dealt with my mothers death.

Pussum

I'll tell you this man. One second at a time. You take life one second at a time until you are strong enough to take it one minute at a time and so on and so on. If you need to take a step back and re-evaluate things a bit you do that. First and foremost though, do not EVER think it is your fault. Do not blame yourself for the rest of your life. Life is uncertain and death is sure. This is unchangeable. I am sure your father was a good man and I am sure he taught you a lot about life. As cheesy as it sounds, your father is still alive in you. Remember, half of you is him. Remember his lessons and the advice he has given you and use it.

You are going to be thinking of your father everyday for a very long time. Eventually one day you are going to realize that you didn't think of your father at all the whole day and it is going to tear you apart. Just know that when that time comes do not be to upset. You are moving on with your life. Do not confuse moving on with forgetting. You will never forget your father. Your dad would not want you to be moping around the damn house all day because of him. You are his legacy. What better way to honor him than by making something of your life and passing on his wisdom and advice to your children later on down the road when you have them? You can't do that kind of stuff if you let your father's death beat you down all the time.

I won't say I know exactly how you feel right now, because no one could ever know how someone else feels, but I will say that I can relate to you and your problem. The best advice I can give is just this: One second at a time. Don't think that you are crazy for feeling how you feel. The event is still fresh and it is going to take a lot of time before you even start to feel the slightest bit better. You are going to walk past a picture, or his room, or something that was his and it is going to strike up a memory and it is going to do nothing but remind you and upset you. One day you are going to come across that stuff and it is going to make you happy. It will do this because you are going to start remember all the good times you had with Dad. Right now you are stuck in the grieving process and thinking about all the "I shoulda's and why didn't I's". Eventually you will come to terms with this and start remembering all the good instead of focusing on the bad.

Good luck, and remember, your Dad loved you very much. Don't ever forget that.

TrippyDK

When my brother died a few months ago, it was the same way. It was a freak accident that no one saw coming. There was this song by a band called Bayside, called Winter. They were in a freak car accident, and lost there drummer. This song was there dedication to him...it really helped me put in words how I was feeling during that time...maybe it'll help you the same way

Lyrics

DynamiteKid

The best advice I was given when my Grandma died a few months back was 'don't bury your head.' Don't completely ignore your grief. It seems that this won't be a problem for you, but it's still absolutely relevant. Exorcise it. Take the time out to deal with this, to cry, to be emotional, to be a total wreck if you need to. I was working at a holiday camp when I received the news, and I took the whole day off (I was only there for three weeks, and I didn't want to pass it up) to just do nothing. To sit, remember, to cry, to not wash or dress. It was very cathartic, and I'd advise you to dry it some time.

At the same time, you can't let it consume you. Allow it to go away sometime. Use methods of helping you get over it, like finding relevant music, even if it's soporific or soppy. Don't be ashamed to listen to something like 'Candle In The Wind' and feel like it speaks to you.

redimpulse

powerss, seriously.

I know it hurts. And it's early, so there's no reason for you to forget about it. But listen to me. Mourn his loss, then get on with yourself. Your dad wouldn't want you to be distraught about his death. He wouldn't want you to carry that weight on your shoulders for the rest of your life. And the best thing you can do is respect him in life and death.

My brother committed suicide 13 years ago. I was 10. And yeah, I blamed myself for it, for not being able to stop it (I was at my great grandma's when he did it. If I had stayed home, could I have prevented it?) My mother blamed herself as well. For not being there, for trying to get him to live with her, etc... (we were both adopted by our grandparents when we were young).

Short story short, I got over it. I keep his memory in my mind every day, just to live my life like he would want. To make his memory proud. Yeah it still hurts from time to time, but I'm the strongest, most stable person in my family because of it.

Now for the other extreme. Our mother never did get over it. She blames herself and god every day, to this day. AND I'M GOING TO BURY HER SOON BECAUSE OF IT. For the past 10 years, she has become exponentially worse with depression, alcohol/prescription drug abuse and the like. She is SO ABSORBED with blaming herself for his death and not being able to do anything about it. She no longer eats, or gets out of her bed. She lays there in her own waste, smoking cigarettes and watching TV. She's going to die soon at 45, and she will not accept any help from anyone - friend, family or authorities. YOU DO NOT WANT TO END UP LIKE THIS!

It's perfectly normal and acceptable to mourn your father's passing. But don't let it become you. Do what you need to mourn his death, then concentrate on doing things to celebrate and honor his memory. And most of all, it's not your fault. I'm not sure of your beliefs, my internet buddy, but it was just his time. Whether it was God, or another deity, or the natural phases of life, his life was forfeit. You can't change the past, so don't revel in it. Remember it, honour it, but be sure to get on with your life like he would have wanted.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

Corvus

My condolonces man.

My Dad died at the end of April, so I know a bit of what you're going through, though in my case he'd been chronically ill for a long, long, time, so it wasn't exactly unexpected.

With some months behind me, I can safely say that its perfectly normal to be totally fucked up over this for a while, and that time is about the only thing that makes it better.

Give yourself time to mourn. Its normal, and its your right. This is a major thing, and it will take lots of time to get over it.

powerss

Are there any books that people recommend, even fiction, to help during this time? I want to get back into reading...

And I really appreciate everyones support. I know I'm not alone in this; I just wish it wasn't so soon.

It's strange. Death never used to phase me; violent games, movies, whatever.

I haven't played Halo in about... 2 weeks, I dropped Rainbow 6: LV, and I've been playing exclusively my Wii - which is now broken, as of yesterday, Ravin Rabbids and Elebits.

I also just saw Children of Men, and every time someone died I seriously cringed inside. Maybe it's a good thing to not be jaded all the time.

We'll see if I can drop people in R6:LV soon enough.

onceling

My brother commited suicide last year ( he was 18 ).

There are a few things I took away from the time:

1. I have become, a much more positive person. At first, I remembered that back when I was younger, I also considered suicide. Now, seeing what a family goes through and the thoughtlessness on the other side, I will never think that way again. I realized that I'm intelligent enough to see the positive aspects of even bad situations I get myself into, and that when you're a positive influence, friends and family like to be around you.

2. Supporting your family. They have become the most important thing in my life now. I don't live in the same country as my parents, so I call them much more often, and every week, every time there's an important date or anniversary and so on.

With regard to your question about books - depends what you're looking for. I didn't find non-fiction books particularly helpful to me. My mother received a small book of poetry which consoled her some, though. My recommendation is not to look for books about death generally. I would look for:

- Things that your dad liked to read (most important, because it will help you understand his mind and his life). This is what helped me most.

- Books from people that have gone through the loss of a father. It's a very specific and unique, personal experience that means something different to the death of another kind of family member or friend.

I found some television that I used to enjoy quite trite and unfeeling after my brother's death. I don't recommend anything really, to watch, most television doesn't come close to representing any of the feelings you may have, even when it tries.

powerss

Thank you, everyone, for the replies. I still miss him incredibly. But I know I will get through this.

I created a thread in H/A with a letter I intend to send to Steve Jobs about my father. If you have the time, I'd appreciate any comments or suggestions.

http://www.penny-arcade.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1073843263

God bless.

powerss

Thank you for everyone's replies. I think this can be locked... I think.

drxand?

sorry about your loss man, i read your thread before about your dad visiting the hospital, and could see how stressed you were over it and that you loved him a lot.

try and be strong, i wish i could come up with better words of condolence but my mind is lacking

and
i just read a comment on the article you linked on digg that made me want to slap the guy that wrote it.