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Girlfriend Wants to Lose Weight [health reasons]
Black Ice
Charlotte, NCRegistered User regular
Charlotte, NCRegistered User regular
OP removed because it was really poorly written, came across the wrong way, etc. I'm never posting something when I'm not wide awake again. The last thing I ever want to do is make someone uncomfortable about themselves, so I removed the entire OP since it may've done just that because I provided rather superfluous information. Let me rephrase what I need help with.
-My girlfriend isn't overweight, but she has been putting on a few pounds.
-She hates to run.
-She's been eating healthier, but has a sodium deficiency, which makes a diet more difficult.
-She wants to lose some weight and doesn't like to go to the gym or work out.
-Exercising is a chore for her; she used to dance, but now she doesn't have time.
-Any advice on how to give her something active? She wants me to help her lose weight, but in order for her to have something to do regularly, I know from experience it needs to be something enjoyable.
I posted this from a strictly physical point of view. I would like to iterate that I am in love with this girl and she asked me to help her lose weight - not just for aesthetic reasons but for health reasons, and I myself would love to see the aesthetics, being a heterosexual male. My apologies if I came across mysogynistic in this post or somewhat of a dick (I can see where that happened by saying I'm increasingly unattracted instead of finding myself less attracted - essentially the same meaning, but both have different interpretations).
-My girlfriend isn't overweight, but she has been putting on a few pounds.
-She hates to run.
-She's been eating healthier, but has a sodium deficiency, which makes a diet more difficult.
-She wants to lose some weight and doesn't like to go to the gym or work out.
-Exercising is a chore for her; she used to dance, but now she doesn't have time.
-Any advice on how to give her something active? She wants me to help her lose weight, but in order for her to have something to do regularly, I know from experience it needs to be something enjoyable.
I posted this from a strictly physical point of view. I would like to iterate that I am in love with this girl and she asked me to help her lose weight - not just for aesthetic reasons but for health reasons, and I myself would love to see the aesthetics, being a heterosexual male. My apologies if I came across mysogynistic in this post or somewhat of a dick (I can see where that happened by saying I'm increasingly unattracted instead of finding myself less attracted - essentially the same meaning, but both have different interpretations).
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Sadly, yoga probably isn't going to help much in terms of weight loss, as there's just not enough output- poses are tiring, sure, and physically demanding, but if it takes, what, 20min on a treadmill to burn a few hundred calories, a predominantly static type of exercise definitely won't do it.
Best of luck to her anyway- just don't let her get despondent that getting fit/ weight loss takes more time than expected.
If she has previously lost a significant amount of weight maybe you should just trust her and be supporting?
Anyway, you don't seem to like her very much. If you do split, don't say it was because she was fat and unattractive. That's just cruel and can start an eating disorder.
If she wants to lose weight, she will - otherwise you harping on her (for quite unsavory reasons) will just turn her off.
seriously
Frankly, what you need to do is either come to terms with who she is, a person who hates exercise, or come to terms with the fact that this isn't the relationship for you.
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Because it claims this man (6'3" / 265lbs) is obese.
But I digress.
The mistake your making here is that you're following advice of her parents and not her doctor. Wait until the doctor's appointment before you make any assumpptions on how to treat this. It could be something completely irrelevant to her legs.
And if you do go down an exercise path, find something she enjoys. Personally, I hate the gym and I hate running. But I enjoy biking. So in the warm weather in the summer, I ride a bike, on and off road. Not everyone needs a "training regime." Finding something you enjoy is important.
Also, if you want any part of this relationship to work, drop that bullshit about "I dated a girl with the PERFECT BODY, I could do SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU, god I'm so noble for staying with you and trying to haul your tubby ass on a treadmill." No one wants to feel like they're being dated out of pity and you just come off like an ass.
Thirdly this sounds less like "girlfriend wants to lose weight for health reasons" and more like "I want my girlfriend to lose weight (she ugly)"
http://mcgs.bcbsfl.com/?doc=Height%20&%20Weight%20Table%20for%20Women
In other words, she ain't fat by any stretch of the imagination and doesn't need to lose weight.
Of course, weight isn't everything -- she might be thin but no muscle, which some people find unattractive. And yes, if she hates moving her body, and you're a particularly active person, you may have discovered an incompatible part of your relationship.
If she DOES have diabetes, it's not because of her weight. At 130lbs she has no reason to assume that her weight is causing any health problems. Her knee pain might be because she's a wimp with no muscle.
Yoga is great for flexibility but rarely do you move enough to burn calories. Weight loss is simple math -- burn more calories than you consume. Fat, whole grains, etc., may be a part of calorie control, but it comes down to calories. And yes, exercise can certainly help -- burning calories through exercise helps you retain some muscle and generally makes weight loss easier for a couple reasons.
But yeah, at her current weight I'm more inclined to think she's simply having muscle problems because she apparently just lays around all day. And if you're into physical fitness and she's into eating chips on the couch...
So to summarize:
1.) She wants to lose weight and asked for my help
2.) She is at a range in which I can say without a doubt right now that it would not be unhealthy for her to lose weight. Beyond aesthetics, it could help her health.
3.) I am in love with her, the relationship is great. I could go on and on about how much I love her.
So I'm not really asking for people to critique my relationship or to dump her, because I'm really in love with her. If I wanted to date a really hot girl with no personality I'd be doing that. I'm also not dating an overweight ogre - she's beautiful and my best friend. Saying she's beautiful doesn't contradict me being a little bit less sexually attracted to her than I was before. I can see how I came across as a dick with that - especially with it being superfluous information - but it had been bothering me, so at the time it seeemed relevant.
As Derrick and Justin said, the BMI thing is typically bullshit - but nonetheless, it does put her in a healthy range. I mentioned it to give some background information that may be beneficial to anyone with an anwswer.
Please don't read between the lines, because there's really nothing between them. I'm not asking for relationship advice because the relationship is better than spectacular and I'm in love with her. Yes, she asked me to help her lose weight. Yes, I am less sexually attracted to her than before. Yes, she is beautiful and my best friend.
All I'm asking is for some input from someone else that is in a similar position or has been before in their life - either as the boyfriend being asked for help, or as an individual that wants to have help with working out.
Thanks to everyone else that has responded with that information.
I think the biggest factor in her long term success is going to be finding something she enjoys doing. If she danced in high school what about a jazzercise type class? Would you be willing to take salsa or swing dancing lessons with her and dance with her on a regular basis? What about going hiking together on the weekends?
You said that she has lost a significant amount of weight since you first met her, have you asked her what worked last time?
I know a lot of people bashed the post since I came across as a bit of a dick, and I'm not debating that. I shouldn't have posted it this early in the morning, and I forgot to mention that she asked me to help her out. However, I do want to address your post, CB, because the scenario is different for everyone. Muscle weighs more than fat, but I certainly don't think my girlfriend is fat. Even if it were "fat" that was composing her B.M.I., it is listed as "Excellent," and that goes for you too, CB - the very last thing I ever want to do is make someone feel bad about their physical appearance, especially when you're considered "Excellent" on a B.M.I. chart and I came across as a jerk and a half due to poor writing. Additionally, as several others have mentioned (And I agree with them), B.M.I. is a bad indicator of how much bodyfat a person has or what kind of shape they're in.
My girlfriend asked me for help losing weight, which was the point of this topic, and it isn't because she's fat - it's for health reasons, and I stated (without any good reason) that the aesthetic reasons were beneficial to me due to a completely superfluous issue.
Each time, she'd lose about 10 pounds and would end up bored with it, and over the next year would slowly gain the weight back. Now, though, she's dropped 30 pounds and is still going strong. What's the difference?
She is. She's far more motivated this time because she finally got sick of it.
So not only is she counting calories (a key part of losing weight), but she's also exercising daily. We're biking first thing in the morning and now we're mixing running into it. I have more endurance than she does, but I told her that because this is for HER, I'm going to go at her pace even if it doesn't push me as hard as I would myself.
Working out by yourself is kind of lame, even if it's with a good TV show or a good mix of songs on an iPod. Having a partner right next to you (or behind or in front) really is a good way to work out and stick with it, but is hard to find.
I know what you mean about a girl you love becoming less attractive because they're gaining weight, because I've been there too. In the same boat, my wife is a little bigger than your girl, but certainly not unattractively so, yet when she was at her highest weight, she was less attractive -- and, worse, clothes fit her worse and she had a harder time making herself look nice because her wardrobe was unflattering.
But still, my wife is losing weight (and continuing to lose weight) because she's doing most of the work. She's counting calories and controlling her hunger pangs and finding meals that work. I'm support -- I cook most of our meals anyway so I do things like use less oil, check recipes with her, and so on. I work out with her and also eat well, because if I have a big plate of mac & cheese she's going to hate me as she smells it and is either grossed out or envious. Heck I've lost 12 pounds during the same time period, and most of it is because I'm doing everything along with her as support.
So to help your girlfriend, you need to really just point out that she needs to count calories (particularly if she has some culprit foods that she's unaware of, which many people do), and she needs to do some exercise with you. We can give you advice on various activities and foods until we're blue in the face, but if your girlfriend isn't cooperative on your suggestions and support, it's all moot. Nothing that you physically do can affect her body anyway, so you need to point out to her that you can only provide support. She has to be the one doing the activity and watching what she eats.
Unless you have some sort of physical impediment (like a missing limb or a degenerative muscular disease), this is a cop out. It's always a cop out.
Start exercising and stick to it and it will become less of a "chore".
I'm really just looking for suggestions - she did ballet, but has foot problems now.
And you all are right - since she certainly isn't anything close to obese, diabetes shouldn't be a culprit, but I do worry about her health knowing that it's a risk in her family and she does have those shooting pains. It's a good idea to have healthy habits since it's a possibility in her future.
Kistra, you brought up a great point - she said she just stopped most comfort eating, but has kind of plateaued since. I can relate, unfortunately. I'm certainly working on lowering any excess weight that I have, as well.
Something that always rang true to me is that the idea of "dieting" is inherently flawed. Simply because by definition - it's temporary.
In this vein, I'd suggest making smaller - permanent changes. Altering the diet a little, incorporating exercise into your lifestyle, rather than trying to pick up a new sport, or cut out fatty foods. So, try having "fish night" once a week (or something), get some bikes and make it something you guys do regularly... a weekend bike ride/picnic etc.
Swimming? Its indoors and puts no pressure on the legs. It's less sweaty and more fun than jogging or press-ups or other gym activities.
My wife and I did the gym thing for one winter, biking and running. It didn't really seem to do much for us -- when we got on our bikes in the spring, we felt like we hadn't gained anything over the winter. For us it felt like a chore to go to the gym, and we didn't push ourselves as much. Worse, when you're doing it outside, you have to make it back home -- which is pretty big motivation!
Anyway, you need to find an activity that she enjoys, and that you can do with her -- you can have lots of good ideas but if she hates riding bikes, cycling is out.
For food, you can drop a lot of calories by upping the amount of seafood that you eat -- especially if your seasoning is various salts and spices, instead of butter. Shrimp cooked slathered in Old Bay is delicious, and much much healthier compared to cocktail sauce or butter. White fish cooked with lemon pepper is much better than fish with breading. Anything with breading is bad for you, actually. That's why I suggest at least counting calories for new foods or foods that are common -- some foods are very surprising, and often it's a realization of "if I eat this, I can't eat anything the rest of the day -- it's not worth it."
I say this in other threads, but knowing what your food options are is directly related to knowing some calorie info. Mayo on fast food burgers adds over 100 calories. French fries and non-diet soda are worse than the burger. This isn't to say you shouldn't have these things, but that if you KNOW what's bad, it's trivial to exclude or substitute. Get a whopper jr. with cheese, no mayo, and you have a tasty little burger for about 300 calories. If you're really feeling nuts, add bacon -- only adds like 15 calories. For breakfast, protein-oriented foods are ultimately a LOT better than carbohydrate foods. You could eat a plate full of bacon and have consumed fewer calories than a couple pancakes, for example. Just knowing your options is key.
But again, your role is to be as support and information. You can propose food, you can cook meals, you can propose exercise. You can't force, and you can't criticize. Otherwise, she'll give up, because staying healthy isn't a temporary thing, but a lifelong endeavor. That's why you should look for activities that she likes, and foods that you both like, and learn about calories and portions. For example, I love cycling, so training for distance and speed is fun for me. Yeah it's still a bummer to get up and go do it, but when I'm doing it, it's a lot of fun, and that motivates me to keep doing it.
It is hard to lose weight, I'm doing Weight Watchers cos its relatively easy, and what has really helped is my whole family joining in with the meals I have, so it doesn't feel like I'm on a diet, we're all just eating really healthily. Having their support and encouragement is crucial for me, it helps me keep going.
Losing weight without exercising can be done, it just takes twice as long
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1) I didn't catch the original OP so I'm gleaning that your girlfriend isn't morbidly obese just a little overweight. How much is she hoping to lose? Keeping in mind the more she wants to lose the longer it's likely to take.
2) Who does the cooking or do you both tend to eat out more than cooking at home? If you're the one cooking and you've gotten a feel for about how much you both eat try to start cooking in such a way that you each just get one serving out of each cooking effort. I used to cook lots of pasta at once so I'd only have to cook it just once for the whole week. I found though that doing that my wife and I both wound up eating like two bowls of pasta since there was so much left over. I've recently started trying to cook for just single meals at a time so that there's just enough for both of us to have a single serving (not exactly a nutrition box serving) or just one bowl as opposed to two.
Advice:
If you're the cook, try cooking to a single meal as opposed to trying to cook with an eye for left overs. Also with an eye towards content of the meal more fruits and veggies is usually a good thing I think.
As for exercise, this may sound incredibly weak-sauce or not serious but my wife bought us WiiFit as an early birthday present and after a bit more than a month I'm down by about 5 pounds and my wife is down by about 2, with those little normal fluctuations taken into account. As I understand it women tend to lose weight less quickly. A lot of the time things like the gym or weight equipment seem to inspire weight loss mostly because you've put up a certain amount of money or resources so you're like "I better work out or this money is wasted." In the end activity is good, in-activity is bad. At the outset I'm happy with WiiFit and there are "games" that still involve at least some more than normal activity levels.
Individuals comprise populations. BMI is wrong more often than it is right. Therefore, it's a poor metric by which to judge anything.
It sounds to me that with your recent posts, you're going about this in the right way, OP. The idea is to help her along and try to get her excited in physical activities. But trust well the saying that you can lead a horse a water but you can't force one to drink. My advice is to try different flavors of that water and hope something sticks. Overall though, don't pressure her, and if you want this relationship to last, do NOT attempt to be her personal trainer.
Taking a bike ride to, say, the park across town and having a little picnic before riding back makes for a good afternoon date, too.
Just what type of workout you get depends on the terrain, of course. Most every cyclist in Seattle is wiry as shit because this place is 90% hills, but even flatter rides can give you a workout if you upshift a little. If you've got a good road network, you can even make a commute out of it to save yourself on gas and parking and all that hassle.
A few suggestions on bikes:
Often I'll see a commuter about town riding a mountain bike with smooth tires, instead of the standard knobby ones. This gives you the stability and comfort of a mountain bike but adds a little speed. This is usually a good way to go, unless you plan on riding over a lot of unpaved areas.
Some go even as far as to convert (or pre-purchase) to a fixed-gear bike, which eliminates more weight and allows for more foot control over the bike. The downsides can be a lower overall speed on flats, and a more difficult time on hills, but some cog adjustment can compensate for this. Additionally, it's very different from riding a bike with a flywheel, since reverse pedaling will make the bike travel in reverse. Some brazen hipsters out there will completely remove their brakes, in either a show of solid brass balls/ovaries or some kind of crazy, PBR-fueled manifesto.
Take a look around your city and see what kind of bike would work best--a hybrid bike or a mountain with smooth tires fits the bill in most places, but if you're more rural/rough-terrained then a mountain with some front shocks and knobby tires would be in order. Keep an eye on the classifieds, too... a new entry-level road bike could easily set you back $800, but you could find a similar used one for $150 on Craigslist. And get some lights. Reflectors don't do shit.
I used to "ask my bf to help me lose weight" when I wanted someone to blame when it didn't work. We would do really well for about a month before we'd stop eating right and stop exercising, and then it would be all his fault because he stopped "helping me." It didn't take long before he refused to "help" me at all.
I also used to make up lame excuses like "I hurt my ankle in soccer 8 years ago and it still hurts," and "working out is such a chore." (I'm not saying that your gf doesn't have foot problems, but it's still an excuse. She can still ride a bike, swim, and probably still lift weights.)
Eventually (after about 4 years of that shit), I found my own motivation and have been doing much better without the "help" of my bf (now husband).
As cheesy as it may sound, watching the biggest loser helped me to stop making excuses and stop placing the blame for my fatness on outside sources. Holy fuck, those ppl are fat, and look at them! If they can do it, I can do it, yadda yadda...
She's going to have to figure out what motivates her, and she has to feel strongly enough about her reasons for wanting to lose weight to actually do something about it. Whatever that motivation ends up being, she's just going to have to woman up if she really wants to change herself.
That being said... exercise classes at a local community college might be a good idea. They usually have lots of different options, don't cost too much money, and it gives a set time commitment.
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Examples: Tae-bo, kickboxing, boxing, spinning, aerobics, aerobic dance (there are a ton of programs for this), pilates, martial arts, trampolines (some gyms have this), etc.
Definitely not twice as long. If someone is eating terrible food and then begins eating properly, they will lose weight. Exercise will help with that, give them more energy, make them feel good, speed things along, tone things up, but it won't really make things go that much faster.
Back when I had to lose 25-30 pounds of "University fat," I found that it was much easier to simply stop eating garbage than spending an hour at the gym every day. I worked out maybe 45 minutes twice a week (sometimes a day or two more) but monitored my eating habits very strictly. In two months I dropped the weight.
It's a lot easier to just not eat that 1000 calorie fast food meal than spend hours on the treadmill trying to negate it.
I haven't read the entire thread to see if this hasn't been mentioned yet, but look into co-ed sports in your area. Sign-up for an indoor soccer league, volleyball, ultimate frisbee, dodge ball, whatever.
Not only will you have a fantastic workout once a week (indoor soccer is pretty intense, and I got a much better workout in 45 minutes there than hours at the gym), but you'll build your relationship more and more.
I would take 1-2 mile walks every day, or every other day, or whenever I had time. I would walk up the stairs instead of taking the elevator or escalator. I would park far away from the store, and walk there. It's all just little things, because I couldn't find time to go to the gym, or anything.
Then, I decided to cut out the shit I ate. I mean, I still ate some sugary goodness. I still have some soda, and chips, and maybe a candy bar or a couple of cookies every once in a while. But definitely not as much as before (My ex was a huge fan of McDonalds, and just plain eating like shit, so I got sucked into that).
All of that really didn't take much effort, or even will power, and guess what? I lost 30 pounds in the span of a few months, and I'm still dropping.
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