Feeling pressured into getting a girlfriend

Penguin-Factory

I need some help with what I'm fairly certain is an idiotic problem, but it's been botherig me a little bit lately.

Basically, I'm 19, going to college next year, and I've never had a girlfriend before. I've never even been on a date.

The reason for this is that I'm something of a loner, and I like it that way. I enjoy being on my own and I find it hard to talk to people I don't know. Plus, I don't get to meet many members of the opposite sex and I have difficulty finding ones I like personality-wise. Even when I like a girl she often seems so out-going and sociable (everyone seems to go out to pubs and night-clubs, something I view as being slightly more pleasent than a trip to hell) that we're pretty much incompatible. Also, I don't drink alcohol at all, which is something of a rarity in Ireland, so any girl who gets drunk as a recreational activity (ie a lot of them) is out as well.

So basically, I don't want a girlfriend right now, and I feel I wouldn't be able to find the right person even if I did want one. But I'm worried that if I don't get some experience with this sort of thing when I'm young, no women will be interested in me later.

Is this a valid concern or am I worrying over nothing?

(Ironically, my best friend has a girlfriend who fulfills all of my criteria: she's funny, intelligent, mature, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, easy to talk to and an atheist. Basically, a more out-going version of me )

FunkyWaltDogg

Based on my experience, you're not missing much by not having had a girlfriend before college. I don't know how things are in Ireland, but in America, college is a terrific opportunity to meet an incredible variety of great people of both genders. It should be much easier to meet girls you're interested in. In the meantime, if you're happy without a girlfriend, then you should stay that way.

Ruckus

I pretty much maintain only platonic relationships with women, like I'll go out to movies with them and stuff, but not really dates. Maybe if a girl came along and was somehow like a perfect match for me I'd feel different, but right now I pretty much just concentrate on my vocation and improving myself. I don't see dating/serious relationships as something I want to occupy myself with until I've gotten a solid footing in other parts of my life.

Romantic Undead

Allright, deep dark secret time (yay internet anonymity!): I was a virgin until about 22, not for lack of wanting/trying.

For a long time, my family/friends were concerned with my lack of experience with the opposite sex. I was awkward around women for a long long time.
Eventually though, I kinda "got" it, and now (not to brag), I don't have a hard time getting dates at all.

My point is, don't let other people dictate when you should be ready for inter-sexual relationships. The most important thing is to focus on your own strengths and self-confidence. Once you become a happy, fully realized person in your own right, the rest will come to you naturally.

Vincent Grayson

I don't think having a girlfriend is a *HUGE* deal, but it is good to have friends of the opposite sex, as it'll give you tremendous insight once the time comes to be dealing with women romantically.

Number of girlfriends shouldn't play much of a role in your appeal to women...at least, not any women you really want to be with.

Hell, I married the second woman I had a serious relationship with.

Penguin-Factory

Wow, that was fast......

Thanks for the encouraging replies. I think Ruckus has pretty much the same view as me. I'm having too much fun and experiences with other things right now ^^

Based on my experience, you're not missing much by not having had a girlfriend before college. I don't know how things are in Ireland, but in America, college is a terrific opportunity to meet an incredible variety of great people of both genders. It should be much easier to meet girls you're interested in. In the meantime, if you're happy without a girlfriend, then you should stay that way.

Yeah, I had always hoped that would happen. There's way too much stuff going on in Secondary school (exams being chief among them) to start worrying about relationships.

Allright, deep dark secret time (yay internet anonymity!): I was a virgin until about 22, not for lack of wanting/trying.

I don't think that should be a secret at all. I don't get why not having sex until you're older is seen as something to be ashamed of :?

noir_blood

I'm probably a lot like you, in the sense that I can also be seen like a loner. I think that's the wrong term though. I'm just comfortable being by myself. My friends can't figure out why I would want to go out to the movies or out to dinner by myself, but I just enjoy it. Plus hey, it's always nice to do whatever you want, whenever you want, and not have to worry about spending money on anyone but yourself

I mean, as long as you're happy with your life, why change it?

Feral

South Park wrote:

There's a time and a place for everything and it's called 'college.'

Sam

Penguin-Factory wrote:

Wow, that was fast......

Thanks for the encouraging replies. I think Ruckus has pretty much the same view as me. I'm having too much fun and experiences with other things right now ^^

Based on my experience, you're not missing much by not having had a girlfriend before college. I don't know how things are in Ireland, but in America, college is a terrific opportunity to meet an incredible variety of great people of both genders. It should be much easier to meet girls you're interested in. In the meantime, if you're happy without a girlfriend, then you should stay that way.

Yeah, I had always hoped that would happen. There's way too much stuff going on in Secondary school (exams being chief among them) to start worrying about relationships.

Allright, deep dark secret time (yay internet anonymity!): I was a virgin until about 22, not for lack of wanting/trying.

I don't think that should be a secret at all. I don't get why not having sex until you're older is seen as something to be ashamed of :?

I'd say there's mroe regret than shame in not having had sex when you're really young, and by really young I mean 16-20. sex during that age is different from the sex you go on to have for the rest of your life, that plus your partner is likely to be as inexperienced so you learn together instead of having to catch up if you start in your 20's.

Zeenux

Don't feel too pressured, and I in fact implore you to not do so. You will inevitably get the conflict of school vs relationship, and both of these require intense attention to make them work to their fullest.

Think about it long and hard before you commit to anything, and that goes double for relationships.

Hayzeus

You sound alot like me. (I even live in Ireland too)

I'm currently in a relationship with someone It's my first "real" thing with anyone.

The fact is is that if a girl really likes who you are, Shes going to put up with an awful lot of crap from you as regards not knowing much (In fact some might find it "cute" :P) (They will put up with that but they won't put up with you being a dick).

So I wouldn't sweat it. Soon enough things will just flow naturally and you'll be golden.

Snazel

College is (and was for me) all about real self-discovery.

You never really complete that journey by the way, but its important that you start the journey at least.

That's real education, learning to program Fortran is a lot less important than learning how to work, how to manage stress, how to enjoy life and find a comfortable niche in which to live, work and play.

A companion, may help you along with that journey, it may not, but that's your decision and noone else's.

And by the way, I hate Fortran to this fucking day.

ViolentChemistry

Relationships created by social pressure generally don't go so well.

Edit: Also, be aware that keeping "doesn't drink" as a firm criterea will really slim down your options. Particularly when combined with "aetheist" and being in a college setting. You might consider adjusting that requirement to "doesn't binge-drink" or something along those lines. Not everyone who drinks also gets drunk. It's totally your call and all that shit, but you're not going to notice a difference between a girl who never drinks ever and a girl who occasionally has a beer on Friday or a glass of wine with dinner and a girl who absolutely never drinks. Except that the latter is frequently going to turn out to be more uptight. Not always, but frequently.

SkyGheNe

Yeah, I learned that there's a huge difference in a girl that has a drink and a girl that drinks to get drunk.

I personally don't drink and I'm excessively laid back (go winter vacation), but that doesn't stop me from seeing how awesome a person can be, regardless of whether or not they drink a little alcohol.

But yeah, expensive hobby lawls.

Alpharius

outside of the drinking scene, Ireland isn't great for dating/getting a girlfriend

youth culture is strongly tied to the drinking scene and it is viewed as very strange for a guy to ask a girl out in any situation that doesn't involve alcohol.

The standard formula is go out somewhere with poor lighting, get drunk, 'lob the gob' then ask her out on a date 3 days later. Anything outside that formula is a tough one.

tl;dr I don't think your problem is in any way a flaw in you, but rather an inherent flaw in the irish dating culture

JohnnyCache

Well, it seems as good of a way as any to break the ice.

You do other shit once the ice is broken, right?

WeeSneak

wrote:

-[arlequin]outside of the drinking scene, Ireland isn't great for dating/getting a girlfriend

youth culture is strongly tied to the drinking scene and it is viewed as very strange for a guy to ask a girl out in any situation that doesn't involve alcohol.

The standard formula is go out somewhere with poor lighting, get drunk, 'lob the gob' then ask her out on a date 3 days later. Anything outside that formula is a tough one.

tl;dr I don't think your problem is in any way a flaw in you, but rather an inherent flaw in the irish dating culture

As an Irish man myself i agree with this, other than some boozy night in a bar, party or hangin around the street the only place your gonna pick up a chick is in fucking mass dude.

In Ireland it falls into three categories

The ones who get drunk and fuck
The big Christians who get drunk and fuck
The Christians who neither drink or fuck

Add that to the fact that being completely sober in the presence of the drunken hordes of Ireland will bore the tits off you. I hate to stereotype the country i live in but yeah, we drink. When in Rome.....

Alpharius

the drinking culture isn't the problem; the real problem is the revulsion that sober dating evokes in Irish people.

It seems that there is an implicit assumption here that any guy who approaches a girl is some kind of sexual predator; and that Irish girls need a few drinks to break down this barrier.

edit: let me also quickly add that the Irish are heavy consumers of American and British TV, so if most of your cultural understanding of dating comes from TV and movies then you will approach it with a perspective which is inappropriate for Ireland.

Penguin-Factory

Also, be aware that keeping "doesn't drink" as a firm criterea will really slim down your options. Particularly when combined with "aetheist" and being in a college setting. You might consider adjusting that requirement to "doesn't binge-drink" or something along those lines. Not everyone who drinks also gets drunk.

Oh no, that's not what I meant at all! I don't mind if a girl drinks. The way it could be a problem is if she enjoyed going out drinking every weekend and expected me to come with her.

The atheist thing also isn't important, I wouldn't avoid someone a religious person or anything.

Thanks again for the help. I'm just going to forget about all this until college.

Centipeed

I'm also Tee-Total, and I'm still a virgin at 18. I honestly don't mind if a girl drinks, even if she regularly gets drunk. I enjoy being with drunk people, for some reason.

I've worried about not having had sex yet, but I'm a confident fellow who can talk to women perfectly fine, so I think I've just taken some kind of "just let it happen" stance when it comes to sex.

DynamiteKid

Mate, I'm militantly teetotal like yourself. In fact, drink makes me so uncomfortable that I pretty much NEVER go to parties, and I block people I care about on MSN if they come on drunk. That's how much it upsets me.

However, I put that aside for love. I think you should consider that. I've been with two girls who would go out on binges, and I would just leave them to it. As long as they didn't call me leaving drunken 'I fucking love you' messages or anything that would make me uncomfortable or shit like that, I was okay with it, and would just turn a blind to what is - essentially - my own prejudice. You look past it and you see that aside from that, it's still a lovely girl. Maybe you should consider that in the future.

However, right now, you're basically just buckling under peer pressure. Don't make me wave a 'you should be old enough to know better!' argument at you It's okay, man. You can't force yourself to go out and do something you hate just so you can hook up with someone you won't find attractive. Let it come to you.

Penguin-Factory

However, right now, you're basically just buckling under peer pressure. Don't make me wave a 'you should be old enough to know better!' argument at you Wink

Heh heh. I think you're right. And what's wierd really wierd is that I usually never get affected by peer pressure.

I feel much better about all of this after reading your replies. Thanks, guys.

Bryse Eayo

Dude, I think you're in a very cool position where you don't need another person's intimacy to feel good about yourself.

I'm kinda envious

But yeah you're completely on the right track.

ViolentChemistry

Bryse Eayo wrote:

Dude, I think you're in a very cool position where you don't need another person's intimacy to feel good about yourself.

I'm kinda envious

It's a nice place to be, and the best place to be should someone special happen to pop into your life suddenly which can happen at the most unexpected times.

Mad Jazz

ViolentChemistry wrote:

Bryse Eayo wrote:

Dude, I think you're in a very cool position where you don't need another person's intimacy to feel good about yourself.

I'm kinda envious

It's a nice place to be, and the best place to be should someone special happen to pop into your life suddenly which can happen at the most unexpected times.

And very often does, in my experience. So shine on, you crazy diamond.

Blake T

Everyone has already said it, but I'll say what I said to my mother last time she whinged that she wanted grandkids.

I don't define myself and my success by the people I date.

I was pretty much single the vast majority of 2006, I had way more fun last year than I did the previous year, now it was probably because it wasn't the best of relationships, but the point is you don't need to be partnered up with someone to be happy, you just need to be doing what you want.

If some perfect woman shows up, I'm not going to tell her to fuck off, but I'm also not going to spend all of eternity trying to find her in every bar.

Also limiting yourself to a girl that doesn't drink isn't the best of ideas, heaps of cool people have bad habbits, if you don't want to hangout with them because you loathe alcohol fair enough, but don't think that people that do drink look down on people who don't, we just wish you'd join in the fun.

Penguin-Factory

Dude, I think you're in a very cool position where you don't need another person's intimacy to feel good about yourself.

I never saw it that that way before. I guess it is kind of cool 8)

Serphimera

Hey, you sound just like a male version of me! I didn't date until I was 21. 21 ferchrissakes! It felt like forever, but I just wasn't ready until then. Don't worry about it, you sound like a great guy any girl would be lucky to have you .

I don't know how it is in Ireland, but in the U.S. (in my opinion), pretty much anyone you pick up in a bar is not the kind of person you want to have a serious relationship with.