her ex boyfriend was a tweaker doing crack behind her back
well that might be a damned fine reason why she has problems trusting
And this is what I attribute pretty much everything too. I mean she has been so upfront and honest with me about everything. Even on the first date she admitted to me that she's cheated on someone before. However she cheated on that someone because she found out he was cheating on him and it was a revenge fuck. This was the ex-boyfriend who was a tweaker. She put up with his tweaking because she said she loved him, but he fucked around a lot and she didn't want to put up with that. So she cheated on him and kicked him to the curb.
Why didn't she just answer the door, so that she would know exactly what they were there for and what they wanted/their relationship to you (if any), etc? I mean, isn't that the rational thing to do? It would have avoided a lot of drama.
"Can I help you?"
"Hi, we're just selling cookies/registering voters/spreading the word of the true savior/etc."
"Oh, so you're not fucking my boyfriend then? Cool."
I confronted her with that one this morning. Her response was "because I was passed out in bed and really didn't want to get up. I just heard them out front laughing and talking so I knew it was girls"
Don't break up with her. If this is the worst of your problems with this girl count yourself incredibly lucky. You may never find another like her.
^The worst advice^
There are plenty of non crazies out there.
No, there really aren't.
No, there seriously are. If she can't change her behavior, this is a relationship killer. Relationships, especially intimate relationships, are founded on trust. Without trust, any number of problems will crop up. Maybe not instantly, and certainly there's a lot of variety as to what sort, but they will come, and they will destroy the relationship if they don't work this out. The relationship isn't doomed where it stands right now, but it's important to recognize this as a big issue in a relationship, not a minor annoyance to overcome.
Why didn't she just answer the door, so that she would know exactly what they were there for and what they wanted/their relationship to you (if any), etc? I mean, isn't that the rational thing to do? It would have avoided a lot of drama.
"Can I help you?"
"Hi, we're just selling cookies/registering voters/spreading the word of the true savior/etc."
"Oh, so you're not fucking my boyfriend then? Cool."
I confronted her with that one this morning. Her response was "because I was passed out in bed and really didn't want to get up. I just heard them out front laughing and talking so I knew it was girls"
Can you hear people laughing at your front door from your bed?
Why didn't she just answer the door, so that she would know exactly what they were there for and what they wanted/their relationship to you (if any), etc? I mean, isn't that the rational thing to do? It would have avoided a lot of drama.
"Can I help you?"
"Hi, we're just selling cookies/registering voters/spreading the word of the true savior/etc."
"Oh, so you're not fucking my boyfriend then? Cool."
I confronted her with that one this morning. Her response was "because I was passed out in bed and really didn't want to get up. I just heard them out front laughing and talking so I knew it was girls"
Can you hear people laughing at your front door from your bed?
We haven't been sleeping in the bedroom. Lately we fall asleep on my futon watching a movie. Which yes is right next to the front door.
her ex boyfriend was a tweaker doing crack behind her back
well that might be a damned fine reason why she has problems trusting
And this is what I attribute pretty much everything too. I mean she has been so upfront and honest with me about everything. Even on the first date she admitted to me that she's cheated on someone before. However she cheated on that someone because she found out he was cheating on him and it was a revenge fuck. This was the ex-boyfriend who was a tweaker. She put up with his tweaking because she said she loved him, but he fucked around a lot and she didn't want to put up with that. So she cheated on him and kicked him to the curb.
Because cheating on someone is totally upfront and honest. Right guys?
Guys?
She can justify it all she wants as "revenge sex" or whatever, but if she'd done things the right way she would have just dumped his ass.
PeregrineFalcon on
Looking for a DX:HR OnLive code for my kid brother.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Why didn't she just answer the door, so that she would know exactly what they were there for and what they wanted/their relationship to you (if any), etc? I mean, isn't that the rational thing to do? It would have avoided a lot of drama.
"Can I help you?"
"Hi, we're just selling cookies/registering voters/spreading the word of the true savior/etc."
"Oh, so you're not fucking my boyfriend then? Cool."
I confronted her with that one this morning. Her response was "because I was passed out in bed and really didn't want to get up. I just heard them out front laughing and talking so I knew it was girls"
Sounds iffy to me.
You seem to know what the deal is here. She's got issues that are going to destroy the relationship. So, you can either try to get her to cut that off at the pass, ride it out and meet the train head-on, or get off the tracks early.
Also, and I really want you to think about this- Do you make out with people who aren't your type?
her ex boyfriend was a tweaker doing crack behind her back
well that might be a damned fine reason why she has problems trusting
And this is what I attribute pretty much everything too. I mean she has been so upfront and honest with me about everything. Even on the first date she admitted to me that she's cheated on someone before. However she cheated on that someone because she found out he was cheating on him and it was a revenge fuck. This was the ex-boyfriend who was a tweaker. She put up with his tweaking because she said she loved him, but he fucked around a lot and she didn't want to put up with that. So she cheated on him and kicked him to the curb.
yeah
I'd get to the bottom of this ASAP, because revenge fucking some dude is never a really mature way to deal with things
the last thing you want is for her to be maybe sort of irrationally convinced that you are cheating and go out and preemtively bone somebody else
Why didn't she just answer the door, so that she would know exactly what they were there for and what they wanted/their relationship to you (if any), etc? I mean, isn't that the rational thing to do? It would have avoided a lot of drama.
"Can I help you?"
"Hi, we're just selling cookies/registering voters/spreading the word of the true savior/etc."
"Oh, so you're not fucking my boyfriend then? Cool."
I confronted her with that one this morning. Her response was "because I was passed out in bed and really didn't want to get up. I just heard them out front laughing and talking so I knew it was girls"
Sounds iffy to me.
You seem to know what the deal is here. She's got issues that are going to destroy the relationship. So, you can either try to get her to cut that off at the pass, ride it out and meet the train head-on, or get off the tracks early.
Also, and I really want you to think about this- Do you make out with people who aren't your type?
When drunk? yes. Quite a few times. Gone further than that with women who aren't my type. Alcohol does weird things to your judgement.
Being right next to the door makes it worse, IMO. She had the chance to clear up the situation right then and there, but instead, she chose to doubt you, and cause all of this trouble. I don't think she wants to trust you, if she is so casually avoiding opportunities to clear you of all guilt.
I mean, she has it made. She gets to hang out with you, drive your sweet car, be treated like a queen, and you're constantly on your toes because you're worried she thinks you're cheating. After two months.
her ex boyfriend was a tweaker doing crack behind her back
well that might be a damned fine reason why she has problems trusting
And this is what I attribute pretty much everything too. I mean she has been so upfront and honest with me about everything. Even on the first date she admitted to me that she's cheated on someone before. However she cheated on that someone because she found out he was cheating on him and it was a revenge fuck. This was the ex-boyfriend who was a tweaker. She put up with his tweaking because she said she loved him, but he fucked around a lot and she didn't want to put up with that. So she cheated on him and kicked him to the curb.
yeah
I'd get to the bottom of this ASAP, because revenge fucking some dude is never a really mature way to deal with things
the last thing you want is for her to be maybe sort of irrationally convinced that you are cheating and go out and preemtively bone somebody else
Don't break up with her. If this is the worst of your problems with this girl count yourself incredibly lucky. You may never find another like her.
^The worst advice^
There are plenty of non crazies out there.
No, there really aren't.
No, there seriously are. If she can't change her behavior, this is a relationship killer. Relationships, especially intimate relationships, are founded on trust. Without trust, any number of problems will crop up. Maybe not instantly, and certainly there's a lot of variety as to what sort, but they will come, and they will destroy the relationship if they don't work this out. The relationship isn't doomed where it stands right now, but it's important to recognize this as a big issue in a relationship, not a minor annoyance to overcome.
There are plenty of girls who aren't crazy, but he might not be attracted to them for some other reasons.
Really, it isn't a big deal. People aren't born crazy, they are made crazy. And they can just as easily be made not-crazy.
Even crazy people can end up living happily ever after. Just chill.
I would. I've seen the guy, and I know she's not his type. He's a very large dude. The second date we ever went on she explained in great detail everything that happened between them. Basically they had both gotten out of bad relationships(his wife cheated on him, her ex boyfriend was a tweaker doing crack behind her back), they both got really drunk and she just started kissing him. I'm 99% positive it went no further than that. She's a very little girl, and he's a very hefty guy. Even drunk she wouldn't even consider going that far with him.
I gotta say dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
How desperate are you that this is your dream girl? How much does she twist your mind and make you focus on the individual good things that you're seriously looking at this and going "other than that minor trust thing, things are going well".
She sounded crazy with the 1st post. Since then, you've made her sound worse and worse. I haven't heard a single redeeming characteristic, and more or less every ugly and nasty trait known to mankind. Are you afriad of being single? Was your last relationship that bad that this looks like fun? Does she give really good puppy dog eyes and cute smiles to make you forget about all the drama?
It takes 2 to maintain a fucked up relationship. Figure out what it is about you that's keeping you in it; this isn't just about her.
Don't break up with her. If this is the worst of your problems with this girl count yourself incredibly lucky. You may never find another like her.
^The worst advice^
There are plenty of non crazies out there.
No, there really aren't.
No, there seriously are. If she can't change her behavior, this is a relationship killer. Relationships, especially intimate relationships, are founded on trust. Without trust, any number of problems will crop up. Maybe not instantly, and certainly there's a lot of variety as to what sort, but they will come, and they will destroy the relationship if they don't work this out. The relationship isn't doomed where it stands right now, but it's important to recognize this as a big issue in a relationship, not a minor annoyance to overcome.
There are plenty of girls who aren't crazy, but he might not be attracted to them for some other reasons.
Really, it isn't a big deal. People aren't born crazy, they are made crazy. And they can just as easily be made not-crazy.
Even crazy people can end up living happily ever after. Just chill.
To become un-crazy requires a sincere and honest commitment to that. Which is precisely what we're asking OP to get. If she lacks it, she's not going to un-crazy herself anytime soon. But yeah, if she's sincere and legit about it, then the relationship stands a chance.
So wait, she just heard the girls outside your place, did they actually knock on the door? and she didn't even bother to make sure they weren't solicitors or Jehovah witnesses or girl scouts?
If my gf accused me of cheating because some ladies knocked on my door, there would be some serious consequences and repercussions.
I would. I've seen the guy, and I know she's not his type. He's a very large dude. The second date we ever went on she explained in great detail everything that happened between them. Basically they had both gotten out of bad relationships(his wife cheated on him, her ex boyfriend was a tweaker doing crack behind her back), they both got really drunk and she just started kissing him. I'm 99% positive it went no further than that. She's a very little girl, and he's a very hefty guy. Even drunk she wouldn't even consider going that far with him.
When drunk? yes. Quite a few times. Gone further than that with women who aren't my type. Alcohol does weird things to your judgement.
Insert awesomeface right here.
I guess I should clarify something here. She's a vastly different drunk than me. I mean we're both happy drunks, but she's very much a "don't touch me unless we're involved" kind of girl/drunk. I'm very much the "hey bitches be payin attention to me tonight! someone be getting laid!"
Case and point actually. She got really, REALLY, hammered with the both of us around. I mean so drunk I had to carry her to the cab at the end of the night because she couldn't walk. I left her and her friend alone for quite some time, on purpose. I was watching from the other end of the bar hanging out with some friends I knew. Her friend made no moves towards her, and made a joke about touching her boobs or something. He didn't even lay a hand on her and she smacked him across the face and practically yelled "I've got a boyfriend you fuck, and you know you and I are just friends."
Hence how I kind of trust that if she's cheating it aint with this guy.
I gotta say dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
How desperate are you that this is your dream girl? How much does she twist your mind and make you focus on the individual good things that you're seriously looking at this and going "other than that minor trust thing, things are going well".
She sounded crazy with the 1st post. Since then, you've made her sound worse and worse. I haven't heard a single redeeming characteristic, and more or less every ugly and nasty trait known to mankind. Are you afriad of being single? Was your last relationship that bad that this looks like fun? Does she give really good puppy dog eyes and cute smiles to make you forget about all the drama?
It takes 2 to maintain a fucked up relationship. Figure out what it is about you that's keeping you in it; this isn't just about her.
She's my dream girl for several reasons.
-She cooks for me all the time, and it's really good food.
-Contributes to the bills when we go out
-Has her own independence and wants me to maintain mine.
-She's really cute
-We have tons in common. I mean TONS.
-The sex is not just great, but fan-fucking-tastic
-She includes me in like everything her and her friends do(which no other GF I've had does that).
The only problem is this. I mean really, this is the only roadblock in our relationship. If I were to come home and be like "baby I'm goin drinkin with the guys" she'd just smile at me and say have fun. It's a very open relationship where I actually have someone who wants me to have more freedom than any girl I've ever dated.
I just need her to stop freaking out because some other person who has tits and a vag came knocking on my door.
And about the phone thing. She doesn't go sniffing through my shit. The two times an accusation has come up, I threw my phone at her and said look. Other than that she never snoops through it. She's never gone through my email, and she only checks my facebook periodically. I mean it's hard to describe, but she's actually a whole lot less crazy than this thread makes her sound. Like I said I just want her to stop jumping to the worst case scenario like this.
All the guys that are saying that she is the cheater are being quite unfair. Double-sided paranoia is not going to do this couple any good at all.
You can't make her trust you. If it's still this bad after another 2 months, call it quits or risk having to account for every moment of every day for the rest of your life. If she's this jealous after 2 months, she's going to be wanting you to submit permission slips to go to the shops after you've been together 5 years!
I gotta say dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
How desperate are you that this is your dream girl? How much does she twist your mind and make you focus on the individual good things that you're seriously looking at this and going "other than that minor trust thing, things are going well".
She sounded crazy with the 1st post. Since then, you've made her sound worse and worse. I haven't heard a single redeeming characteristic, and more or less every ugly and nasty trait known to mankind. Are you afriad of being single? Was your last relationship that bad that this looks like fun? Does she give really good puppy dog eyes and cute smiles to make you forget about all the drama?
It takes 2 to maintain a fucked up relationship. Figure out what it is about you that's keeping you in it; this isn't just about her.
She's my dream girl for several reasons.
-She cooks for me all the time, and it's really good food.
-Contributes to the bills when we go out
-Has her own independence and wants me to maintain mine.
-She's really cute
-We have tons in common. I mean TONS.
-The sex is not just great, but fan-fucking-tastic
-She includes me in like everything her and her friends do(which no other GF I've had does that).
The only problem is this. I mean really, this is the only roadblock in our relationship. If I were to come home and be like "baby I'm goin drinkin with the guys" she'd just smile at me and say have fun. It's a very open relationship where I actually have someone who wants me to have more freedom than any girl I've ever dated.
I just need her to stop freaking out because some other person who has tits and a vag came knocking on my door.
And about the phone thing. She doesn't go sniffing through my shit. The two times an accusation has come up, I threw my phone at her and said look. Other than that she never snoops through it. She's never gone through my email, and she only checks my facebook periodically. I mean it's hard to describe, but she's actually a whole lot less crazy than this thread makes her sound. Like I said I just want her to stop jumping to the worst case scenario like this.
Look man, this isn't as big of a deal as other people are making it out to be. You got a good thing going, and you can make it work. I know because I have been in your situation, and I have made it work.
These people on the internet, they don't give a shit about your relationship. In fact, I've noticed if you read through most of these threads in this forum, you're going to see people are constantly telling other people to just end their relationships.
Well if she doesn't stop freaking out over phantom cheatings would you just attempt to ignore it and keep on keeping on?
Because for now that's where you might be headed.
Oh if I can't make it stop it's a deal breaker. I will not under any circumstance be in a long term relationship with someone who automatically assumes I cheat just because someone with tits was talking to me or came to my door for whatever reason.
I just see this as the only issue in our relationship. And rather than continue enabling it, I want to tackle it head on and put an end to it. Because if it doesn't end, I feel like I may be giving up the only woman(out of the dozens I've dated) that I actually feel like I can connect with.
I mean, a little history on me. I have had severe emotional troubles pretty much my whole life. And by severe emotional troubles i mean they don't exist. Or at least didn't. For years I lived life treating people like expendable resources who provided me a means to an end. All of the girls I ever dated I could never connect to because I just didn't like them. I was with them because having a relationship is a lot cheaper than buying drinks at bars for random women to get sex. And I'm extremely good at faking like I care.
Then I met this chick, and for once I actually feel like I give a damn about someone. Because I like her so much that I don't want anything to happen. And when I evaluate where we've been and where things are going, and see this as the one and only issue. Hell yes I'm going to do whatever I can to put an end to it. Because I'm finally feeling something that has never entered the equation for me before, and I like it.
I gotta say dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
How desperate are you that this is your dream girl? How much does she twist your mind and make you focus on the individual good things that you're seriously looking at this and going "other than that minor trust thing, things are going well".
She sounded crazy with the 1st post. Since then, you've made her sound worse and worse. I haven't heard a single redeeming characteristic, and more or less every ugly and nasty trait known to mankind. Are you afriad of being single? Was your last relationship that bad that this looks like fun? Does she give really good puppy dog eyes and cute smiles to make you forget about all the drama?
It takes 2 to maintain a fucked up relationship. Figure out what it is about you that's keeping you in it; this isn't just about her.
She's my dream girl for several reasons.
-She cooks for me all the time, and it's really good food.
-Contributes to the bills when we go out
-Has her own independence and wants me to maintain mine.
-She's really cute
-We have tons in common. I mean TONS.
-The sex is not just great, but fan-fucking-tastic
-She includes me in like everything her and her friends do(which no other GF I've had does that).
The only problem is this. I mean really, this is the only roadblock in our relationship. If I were to come home and be like "baby I'm goin drinkin with the guys" she'd just smile at me and say have fun. It's a very open relationship where I actually have someone who wants me to have more freedom than any girl I've ever dated.
I just need her to stop freaking out because some other person who has tits and a vag came knocking on my door.
And about the phone thing. She doesn't go sniffing through my shit. The two times an accusation has come up, I threw my phone at her and said look. Other than that she never snoops through it. She's never gone through my email, and she only checks my facebook periodically. I mean it's hard to describe, but she's actually a whole lot less crazy than this thread makes her sound. Like I said I just want her to stop jumping to the worst case scenario like this.
Look man, this isn't as big of a deal as other people are making it out to be. You got a good thing going, and you can make it work. I know because I have been in your situation, and I have made it work.
These people on the internet, they don't give a shit about your relationship. In fact, I've noticed if you read through most of these threads in this forum, you're going to see people are constantly telling other people to just end their relationships.
Don't be a fucking pussy. Good luck.
Actually, as someone who frequently gives advice in these threads, the major trend is usually pushing for open communication between parties, which is exactly what most of us are advocating for in this instance as well.
And right now, I'm not exactly sure that I'd call this "a good thing" that he has going if he's bothered enough to ask how to change his own behavior to get her accusations to stop.
I left her and her friend alone for quite some time, on purpose.
Looks like she's not the only one with some trust issues.
It was the first time me, her, and this guy had hung out. And yea knowing they had at least made out before made me skeptical. But seeing how they interacted with each other put my mind at complete ease. The 3 of us hang out a lot now, and I trust her completely around him.
In fact, I've noticed if you read through most of these threads in this forum, you're going to see people are constantly telling other people to just end their relationships.
Sorry, we don't get many "Hey guys, just FYI, my relationship is awesome, we have open communication, both trust each other, and discuss minor issues before they blow up into something huge" threads around these parts.
Perhaps HappyRainbowFunShineLand.com would be more to your taste.
PeregrineFalcon on
Looking for a DX:HR OnLive code for my kid brother.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
I gotta say dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
How desperate are you that this is your dream girl? How much does she twist your mind and make you focus on the individual good things that you're seriously looking at this and going "other than that minor trust thing, things are going well".
She sounded crazy with the 1st post. Since then, you've made her sound worse and worse. I haven't heard a single redeeming characteristic, and more or less every ugly and nasty trait known to mankind. Are you afriad of being single? Was your last relationship that bad that this looks like fun? Does she give really good puppy dog eyes and cute smiles to make you forget about all the drama?
It takes 2 to maintain a fucked up relationship. Figure out what it is about you that's keeping you in it; this isn't just about her.
She's my dream girl for several reasons.
-She cooks for me all the time, and it's really good food.
-Contributes to the bills when we go out
-Has her own independence and wants me to maintain mine.
-She's really cute
-We have tons in common. I mean TONS.
-The sex is not just great, but fan-fucking-tastic
-She includes me in like everything her and her friends do(which no other GF I've had does that).
The only problem is this. I mean really, this is the only roadblock in our relationship. If I were to come home and be like "baby I'm goin drinkin with the guys" she'd just smile at me and say have fun. It's a very open relationship where I actually have someone who wants me to have more freedom than any girl I've ever dated.
I just need her to stop freaking out because some other person who has tits and a vag came knocking on my door.
And about the phone thing. She doesn't go sniffing through my shit. The two times an accusation has come up, I threw my phone at her and said look. Other than that she never snoops through it. She's never gone through my email, and she only checks my facebook periodically. I mean it's hard to describe, but she's actually a whole lot less crazy than this thread makes her sound. Like I said I just want her to stop jumping to the worst case scenario like this.
Look man, this isn't as big of a deal as other people are making it out to be. You got a good thing going, and you can make it work. I know because I have been in your situation, and I have made it work.
These people on the internet, they don't give a shit about your relationship. In fact, I've noticed if you read through most of these threads in this forum, you're going to see people are constantly telling other people to just end their relationships.
Don't be a fucking pussy. Good luck.
Actually, as someone who frequently gives advice in these threads, the major trend is usually pushing for open communication between parties, which is exactly what most of us are advocating for in this instance as well.
And right now, I'm not exactly sure that I'd call this "a good thing" that he has going if he's bothered enough to ask how to change his own behavior to get her accusations to stop.
I should have worded this better. I was planning to confront her more this afternoon. I guess I was looking for advice on how to tackle the situation. I'm not changing shit about myself, because I feel like i've done nothing wrong. Granted if there's small things I'm missing here that could help put her mind at ease then yea by all means I'll give it a shot. But as far as changing my behavior in any significant way? Fuck that, I am who I am and if she doesn't like it she knows right where the door is. I just don't want that to happen.
I gotta say dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
How desperate are you that this is your dream girl? How much does she twist your mind and make you focus on the individual good things that you're seriously looking at this and going "other than that minor trust thing, things are going well".
She sounded crazy with the 1st post. Since then, you've made her sound worse and worse. I haven't heard a single redeeming characteristic, and more or less every ugly and nasty trait known to mankind. Are you afriad of being single? Was your last relationship that bad that this looks like fun? Does she give really good puppy dog eyes and cute smiles to make you forget about all the drama?
It takes 2 to maintain a fucked up relationship. Figure out what it is about you that's keeping you in it; this isn't just about her.
She's my dream girl for several reasons.
-She cooks for me all the time, and it's really good food.
-Contributes to the bills when we go out
-Has her own independence and wants me to maintain mine.
-She's really cute
-We have tons in common. I mean TONS.
-The sex is not just great, but fan-fucking-tastic
-She includes me in like everything her and her friends do(which no other GF I've had does that).
The only problem is this. I mean really, this is the only roadblock in our relationship. If I were to come home and be like "baby I'm goin drinkin with the guys" she'd just smile at me and say have fun. It's a very open relationship where I actually have someone who wants me to have more freedom than any girl I've ever dated.
I just need her to stop freaking out because some other person who has tits and a vag came knocking on my door.
And about the phone thing. She doesn't go sniffing through my shit. The two times an accusation has come up, I threw my phone at her and said look. Other than that she never snoops through it. She's never gone through my email, and she only checks my facebook periodically. I mean it's hard to describe, but she's actually a whole lot less crazy than this thread makes her sound. Like I said I just want her to stop jumping to the worst case scenario like this.
Look man, this isn't as big of a deal as other people are making it out to be. You got a good thing going, and you can make it work. I know because I have been in your situation, and I have made it work.
These people on the internet, they don't give a shit about your relationship. In fact, I've noticed if you read through most of these threads in this forum, you're going to see people are constantly telling other people to just end their relationships.
Don't be a fucking pussy. Good luck.
Actually, as someone who frequently gives advice in these threads, the major trend is usually pushing for open communication between parties, which is exactly what most of us are advocating for in this instance as well.
And right now, I'm not exactly sure that I'd call this "a good thing" that he has going if he's bothered enough to ask how to change his own behavior to get her accusations to stop.
I should have worded this better. I was planning to confront her more this afternoon. I guess I was looking for advice on how to tackle the situation. I'm not changing shit about myself, because I feel like i've done nothing wrong. Granted if there's small things I'm missing here that could help put her mind at ease then yea by all means I'll give it a shot. But as far as changing my behavior in any significant way? Fuck that, I am who I am and if she doesn't like it she knows right where the door is. I just don't want that to happen.
Then there is no need for this thread to continue. Do what you say you're gonna do and then report back. If you're still alive.
I should have worded this better. I was planning to confront her more this afternoon. I guess I was looking for advice on how to tackle the situation. I'm not changing shit about myself, because I feel like i've done nothing wrong. Granted if there's small things I'm missing here that could help put her mind at ease then yea by all means I'll give it a shot. But as far as changing my behavior in any significant way? Fuck that, I am who I am and if she doesn't like it she knows right where the door is. I just don't want that to happen.
Ah, I understand a bit better now, but I think most of the advice about being firm and patient and talking the whole thing out is a good start, especially since she's been as open about her past as she already has.
Usagi on
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FiggyFighter of the night manChampion of the sunRegistered Userregular
-She cooks for me all the time, and it's really good food.
-Contributes to the bills when we go out
-Has her own independence and wants me to maintain mine.
-She's really cute
-We have tons in common. I mean TONS.
-The sex is not just great, but fan-fucking-tastic
-She includes me in like everything her and her friends do(which no other GF I've had does that).
These are traits you can find in any number of women you meet. And she is not respecting your "independence." Keeping tabs on you, wanting to know where you are, accusing you of fucking groups of giggling girls that came knocking at your door... these are not ways of respecting someone's independence.
I just need her to stop freaking out because some other person who has tits and a vag came knocking on my door.
Sitting down with your girl for a serious discussion about her trust issues is only step 1 in a long list to correct this problem. She's not going to simply turn off this behaviour, and there will be times in the future where similar events happen and you're right back to square one. You have been dating this girl for 2 fucking months. That is nothing, when compared to how much time you have left in your life with this girl for her to freak out over shit.
How would she feel if a woman phoned your house and asked for you?
How would she feel if a cashier at the grocery store smiled at you in the check out?
How would she feel if a waitress at a restaurant recognized you and stopped to chat?
How would she feel if an ex-girlfriend suddenly got in touch with you?
These are all pretty innocent things, and you might think she'd be perfectly okay with all of them; however, keep in mind that she freaked out and email bombed you because girls were knocking on your fucking door. Further, she did not answer the door, despite apparent suspicions. Instead, she decided to ignore it and later chastise you.
You need to have "the talk" with this girl, and then monitor how she behaves very carefully over the next few months. Do not get so far into this relationship that you begin to forgive this behaviour out of an unwillingness to be "alone." You do not want to live your entire life with someone who mistrusts and controls you.
Example of trust in a relationship, for comparison:
Several years ago, when my now-fiancee and I had been dating for about 3 years, she was living in a house with a few girlfriends away at school. I was living about 2 hours away, also attending school.
I visited her place and stayed the night, when at about 2am there was a knock at the door. She started freaking out, worried because she wasn't living in a particularly safe area of the city. So, I went downstairs and looked through the peephole, and there were three guys standing there, all about her age... maybe a year or two younger.
I opened the door, and they asked if my girlfriend and her room-mate were home. I told them everyone in the house was asleep, and they should come back tomorrow.
When I went upstairs, I asked who they were. It turns out, they lived in the apartment behind them (It was a backsplit house) and they often came knocking on the door flirting with the girls in the house (There were 5 living there.)
I wasn't jealous. I wasn't suspicious that my girlfriend was fucking these guys. Sure, they came knocking at a retarded hour, but as it turns out: these kids were fucking retarded. One actually got arrested a few months later for shoplifting.
A few weeks after the incident I was on the phone with my girlfriend, and I plainly asked if these kids had come knocking again. She said they had, and one of them often came in to hang out with one of her roommates (who actually had a boyfriend).
Yeah, it all sounds terribly suspicious, but not when you trust someone. She had never done anything to jeopardize my trust, and the fact that these kids decided to come around wasn't her fault.
Switch this story around and insert you and your girlfriend. Do you think she would have been just as trusting?
Yea, I see what you're saying. It's better that it's happening early on rather than say 6 months down the road. I mean we are still in what most people consider the early phase of the relationship, and maybe she takes time to build up trust with someone because of the shit that's happened in the past. At least I hope that's the case. Regardless once I talk to her I expect this stuff to stop, or for her to at least lighten up. It's ok to ask questions about strange girls who just randomly show up, but the way in which she's doing it is completely unacceptable to me. Get the details first, then decide if you feel they're cheating or not. Not this guilty until proven innocent shit.
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FiggyFighter of the night manChampion of the sunRegistered Userregular
edited October 2009
Well, if she actually answered the door and these giggling girls said, "Hi! Is Strategery home? *Giggle*," then she would have some grounds to wonder why they showed up.
She still would not have the right to accuse you of anything, but a simple question is harmless.
Not answering the door and going loco is a sure sign that she has trust issues though, and hopefully you two can work it out.
At 2 months you're: "in love" and having psycho controlling/jealous behavior already?
This relationship is a high-speed train to disaster. You 2 need to either chill out and go back to square 1, and take things a lot slower or break up.
We're not really "in love" so to speak. I'm falling for her quite a bit, and I get the feeling she is too. But I can tell she has emotional issues, and she's probably just reacting to something that feels different than she's used to.
But no we don't sit there and go "love you baby" at the end of every phone call or anything. Neither one of us has even said the words. But I can see myself going that direction with her, provided we can stop her insecurities from destroying everything.
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ChanusHarbinger of the Spicy Rooster ApocalypseThe Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered Userregular
edited October 2009
My last major relationship was like this (took me three years to figure out I couldn't fix her... I'm a patient motherfucker).
Turns out she had some really messed up childhood experiences, mixed with a previous serious boyfriend having cheated on her and given her one of those fun bugs.
We're not together anymore... it got to the point where I would come home from work... the conversation would go like this:
She: How was work?
Me: Pretty usual day. Oh man, Sally said the funniest thing to a customer (name changed to protect the uninvolved)
She: Who's Sally?
Me: You know Sally. The older lady in Customer Service.
She: Is she hot?
Me: You've met her. She's thirty years older than me.
She: So, do you find her attractive?
Me: What (the fuck -- in my head) are you on about?
Etc, etc.
If talking to her and telling her how you feel doesn't work, she may need serious counseling for underlying issues... assuming you are completely innocent here (which I am assuming you are).
Posts
And this is what I attribute pretty much everything too. I mean she has been so upfront and honest with me about everything. Even on the first date she admitted to me that she's cheated on someone before. However she cheated on that someone because she found out he was cheating on him and it was a revenge fuck. This was the ex-boyfriend who was a tweaker. She put up with his tweaking because she said she loved him, but he fucked around a lot and she didn't want to put up with that. So she cheated on him and kicked him to the curb.
I confronted her with that one this morning. Her response was "because I was passed out in bed and really didn't want to get up. I just heard them out front laughing and talking so I knew it was girls"
No, there seriously are. If she can't change her behavior, this is a relationship killer. Relationships, especially intimate relationships, are founded on trust. Without trust, any number of problems will crop up. Maybe not instantly, and certainly there's a lot of variety as to what sort, but they will come, and they will destroy the relationship if they don't work this out. The relationship isn't doomed where it stands right now, but it's important to recognize this as a big issue in a relationship, not a minor annoyance to overcome.
Can you hear people laughing at your front door from your bed?
We haven't been sleeping in the bedroom. Lately we fall asleep on my futon watching a movie. Which yes is right next to the front door.
Because cheating on someone is totally upfront and honest. Right guys?
Guys?
She can justify it all she wants as "revenge sex" or whatever, but if she'd done things the right way she would have just dumped his ass.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
haha, yeah, this is a pretty big thing.
Just keep doing what you're doing and eventually she'll realize that you're actually on the up and up.
Sounds iffy to me.
You seem to know what the deal is here. She's got issues that are going to destroy the relationship. So, you can either try to get her to cut that off at the pass, ride it out and meet the train head-on, or get off the tracks early.
Also, and I really want you to think about this- Do you make out with people who aren't your type?
yeah
I'd get to the bottom of this ASAP, because revenge fucking some dude is never a really mature way to deal with things
the last thing you want is for her to be maybe sort of irrationally convinced that you are cheating and go out and preemtively bone somebody else
When drunk? yes. Quite a few times. Gone further than that with women who aren't my type. Alcohol does weird things to your judgement.
I mean, she has it made. She gets to hang out with you, drive your sweet car, be treated like a queen, and you're constantly on your toes because you're worried she thinks you're cheating. After two months.
She's crazy.
There are plenty of girls who aren't crazy, but he might not be attracted to them for some other reasons.
Really, it isn't a big deal. People aren't born crazy, they are made crazy. And they can just as easily be made not-crazy.
Even crazy people can end up living happily ever after. Just chill.
Insert awesomeface right here.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
How desperate are you that this is your dream girl? How much does she twist your mind and make you focus on the individual good things that you're seriously looking at this and going "other than that minor trust thing, things are going well".
She sounded crazy with the 1st post. Since then, you've made her sound worse and worse. I haven't heard a single redeeming characteristic, and more or less every ugly and nasty trait known to mankind. Are you afriad of being single? Was your last relationship that bad that this looks like fun? Does she give really good puppy dog eyes and cute smiles to make you forget about all the drama?
It takes 2 to maintain a fucked up relationship. Figure out what it is about you that's keeping you in it; this isn't just about her.
To become un-crazy requires a sincere and honest commitment to that. Which is precisely what we're asking OP to get. If she lacks it, she's not going to un-crazy herself anytime soon. But yeah, if she's sincere and legit about it, then the relationship stands a chance.
If my gf accused me of cheating because some ladies knocked on my door, there would be some serious consequences and repercussions.
Talk to her about this and stop being a doormat
I guess I should clarify something here. She's a vastly different drunk than me. I mean we're both happy drunks, but she's very much a "don't touch me unless we're involved" kind of girl/drunk. I'm very much the "hey bitches be payin attention to me tonight! someone be getting laid!"
Case and point actually. She got really, REALLY, hammered with the both of us around. I mean so drunk I had to carry her to the cab at the end of the night because she couldn't walk. I left her and her friend alone for quite some time, on purpose. I was watching from the other end of the bar hanging out with some friends I knew. Her friend made no moves towards her, and made a joke about touching her boobs or something. He didn't even lay a hand on her and she smacked him across the face and practically yelled "I've got a boyfriend you fuck, and you know you and I are just friends."
Hence how I kind of trust that if she's cheating it aint with this guy.
She's my dream girl for several reasons.
-She cooks for me all the time, and it's really good food.
-Contributes to the bills when we go out
-Has her own independence and wants me to maintain mine.
-She's really cute
-We have tons in common. I mean TONS.
-The sex is not just great, but fan-fucking-tastic
-She includes me in like everything her and her friends do(which no other GF I've had does that).
The only problem is this. I mean really, this is the only roadblock in our relationship. If I were to come home and be like "baby I'm goin drinkin with the guys" she'd just smile at me and say have fun. It's a very open relationship where I actually have someone who wants me to have more freedom than any girl I've ever dated.
I just need her to stop freaking out because some other person who has tits and a vag came knocking on my door.
And about the phone thing. She doesn't go sniffing through my shit. The two times an accusation has come up, I threw my phone at her and said look. Other than that she never snoops through it. She's never gone through my email, and she only checks my facebook periodically. I mean it's hard to describe, but she's actually a whole lot less crazy than this thread makes her sound. Like I said I just want her to stop jumping to the worst case scenario like this.
Because for now that's where you might be headed.
You can't make her trust you. If it's still this bad after another 2 months, call it quits or risk having to account for every moment of every day for the rest of your life. If she's this jealous after 2 months, she's going to be wanting you to submit permission slips to go to the shops after you've been together 5 years!
Looks like she's not the only one with some trust issues.
Look man, this isn't as big of a deal as other people are making it out to be. You got a good thing going, and you can make it work. I know because I have been in your situation, and I have made it work.
These people on the internet, they don't give a shit about your relationship. In fact, I've noticed if you read through most of these threads in this forum, you're going to see people are constantly telling other people to just end their relationships.
Don't be a fucking pussy. Good luck.
Oh if I can't make it stop it's a deal breaker. I will not under any circumstance be in a long term relationship with someone who automatically assumes I cheat just because someone with tits was talking to me or came to my door for whatever reason.
I just see this as the only issue in our relationship. And rather than continue enabling it, I want to tackle it head on and put an end to it. Because if it doesn't end, I feel like I may be giving up the only woman(out of the dozens I've dated) that I actually feel like I can connect with.
I mean, a little history on me. I have had severe emotional troubles pretty much my whole life. And by severe emotional troubles i mean they don't exist. Or at least didn't. For years I lived life treating people like expendable resources who provided me a means to an end. All of the girls I ever dated I could never connect to because I just didn't like them. I was with them because having a relationship is a lot cheaper than buying drinks at bars for random women to get sex. And I'm extremely good at faking like I care.
Then I met this chick, and for once I actually feel like I give a damn about someone. Because I like her so much that I don't want anything to happen. And when I evaluate where we've been and where things are going, and see this as the one and only issue. Hell yes I'm going to do whatever I can to put an end to it. Because I'm finally feeling something that has never entered the equation for me before, and I like it.
Actually, as someone who frequently gives advice in these threads, the major trend is usually pushing for open communication between parties, which is exactly what most of us are advocating for in this instance as well.
And right now, I'm not exactly sure that I'd call this "a good thing" that he has going if he's bothered enough to ask how to change his own behavior to get her accusations to stop.
It was the first time me, her, and this guy had hung out. And yea knowing they had at least made out before made me skeptical. But seeing how they interacted with each other put my mind at complete ease. The 3 of us hang out a lot now, and I trust her completely around him.
:?
Stop making excuses for this girl. Take Cognisseur's page 1 advice. Tell this girl what is unacceptable, stick to it, and stop being a doormat.
Also stop lying to yourself.
Sorry, we don't get many "Hey guys, just FYI, my relationship is awesome, we have open communication, both trust each other, and discuss minor issues before they blow up into something huge" threads around these parts.
Perhaps HappyRainbowFunShineLand.com would be more to your taste.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
I should have worded this better. I was planning to confront her more this afternoon. I guess I was looking for advice on how to tackle the situation. I'm not changing shit about myself, because I feel like i've done nothing wrong. Granted if there's small things I'm missing here that could help put her mind at ease then yea by all means I'll give it a shot. But as far as changing my behavior in any significant way? Fuck that, I am who I am and if she doesn't like it she knows right where the door is. I just don't want that to happen.
Then there is no need for this thread to continue. Do what you say you're gonna do and then report back. If you're still alive.
Ah, I understand a bit better now, but I think most of the advice about being firm and patient and talking the whole thing out is a good start, especially since she's been as open about her past as she already has.
These are traits you can find in any number of women you meet. And she is not respecting your "independence." Keeping tabs on you, wanting to know where you are, accusing you of fucking groups of giggling girls that came knocking at your door... these are not ways of respecting someone's independence.
Sitting down with your girl for a serious discussion about her trust issues is only step 1 in a long list to correct this problem. She's not going to simply turn off this behaviour, and there will be times in the future where similar events happen and you're right back to square one. You have been dating this girl for 2 fucking months. That is nothing, when compared to how much time you have left in your life with this girl for her to freak out over shit.
How would she feel if a woman phoned your house and asked for you?
How would she feel if a cashier at the grocery store smiled at you in the check out?
How would she feel if a waitress at a restaurant recognized you and stopped to chat?
How would she feel if an ex-girlfriend suddenly got in touch with you?
These are all pretty innocent things, and you might think she'd be perfectly okay with all of them; however, keep in mind that she freaked out and email bombed you because girls were knocking on your fucking door. Further, she did not answer the door, despite apparent suspicions. Instead, she decided to ignore it and later chastise you.
You need to have "the talk" with this girl, and then monitor how she behaves very carefully over the next few months. Do not get so far into this relationship that you begin to forgive this behaviour out of an unwillingness to be "alone." You do not want to live your entire life with someone who mistrusts and controls you.
Example of trust in a relationship, for comparison:
I visited her place and stayed the night, when at about 2am there was a knock at the door. She started freaking out, worried because she wasn't living in a particularly safe area of the city. So, I went downstairs and looked through the peephole, and there were three guys standing there, all about her age... maybe a year or two younger.
I opened the door, and they asked if my girlfriend and her room-mate were home. I told them everyone in the house was asleep, and they should come back tomorrow.
When I went upstairs, I asked who they were. It turns out, they lived in the apartment behind them (It was a backsplit house) and they often came knocking on the door flirting with the girls in the house (There were 5 living there.)
I wasn't jealous. I wasn't suspicious that my girlfriend was fucking these guys. Sure, they came knocking at a retarded hour, but as it turns out: these kids were fucking retarded. One actually got arrested a few months later for shoplifting.
A few weeks after the incident I was on the phone with my girlfriend, and I plainly asked if these kids had come knocking again. She said they had, and one of them often came in to hang out with one of her roommates (who actually had a boyfriend).
Yeah, it all sounds terribly suspicious, but not when you trust someone. She had never done anything to jeopardize my trust, and the fact that these kids decided to come around wasn't her fault.
Switch this story around and insert you and your girlfriend. Do you think she would have been just as trusting?
She still would not have the right to accuse you of anything, but a simple question is harmless.
Not answering the door and going loco is a sure sign that she has trust issues though, and hopefully you two can work it out.
This relationship is a high-speed train to disaster. You 2 need to either chill out and go back to square 1, and take things a lot slower or break up.
We're not really "in love" so to speak. I'm falling for her quite a bit, and I get the feeling she is too. But I can tell she has emotional issues, and she's probably just reacting to something that feels different than she's used to.
But no we don't sit there and go "love you baby" at the end of every phone call or anything. Neither one of us has even said the words. But I can see myself going that direction with her, provided we can stop her insecurities from destroying everything.
Turns out she had some really messed up childhood experiences, mixed with a previous serious boyfriend having cheated on her and given her one of those fun bugs.
We're not together anymore... it got to the point where I would come home from work... the conversation would go like this:
She: How was work?
Me: Pretty usual day. Oh man, Sally said the funniest thing to a customer (name changed to protect the uninvolved)
She: Who's Sally?
Me: You know Sally. The older lady in Customer Service.
She: Is she hot?
Me: You've met her. She's thirty years older than me.
She: So, do you find her attractive?
Me: What (the fuck -- in my head) are you on about?
Etc, etc.
If talking to her and telling her how you feel doesn't work, she may need serious counseling for underlying issues... assuming you are completely innocent here (which I am assuming you are).
if my wife threw a shitfit every time some chick hit on me i'd be divorced a thousand times over by now
seriously
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.