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I am so ashamed
stager3
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
The short story is that I have an eating disorder. If you wanna get technical, I have two, and they're always at war with one another, but they come from the same place. Sometimes I starve; I don't eat for weeks. Sometimes I binge; you wouldn't believe the volumes of food I'm talking about. But I've been OK for years - "in recovery" they call it. I've been eating what other people eat at normal times of the day, a balanced diet, and all that at about 1500 calories. No big.
I've finally got my life in order. I've got a job I love, and I'm really good at it. I'm getting along with every member of my family. I pay all my bills on time and my friends all return my phone calls. My life is better than ever. Except, about two months ago I started binging again. Now I'm doing it almost every day. I don't want to be crazy, but I don't want to stop either... unless I can stop eating altogether. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought this was over!
I've finally got my life in order. I've got a job I love, and I'm really good at it. I'm getting along with every member of my family. I pay all my bills on time and my friends all return my phone calls. My life is better than ever. Except, about two months ago I started binging again. Now I'm doing it almost every day. I don't want to be crazy, but I don't want to stop either... unless I can stop eating altogether. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought this was over!
"...But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
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This. The fact that this is resurfacing right when you are feeling the best about yourself is incredibly telling. You need to see a professional.
Seconded. This stuff is psychological, and cyclical, and you can get into a feedback loop very easily. Really, see a professional before it spirals out of control again. You might end up with a prescription for anti-anxiety meds, or even a mild anti-depressant. There's no way of knowing until you ask.
Like I say, go see a specialist.
What's so weird about this is that I'm so self aware. I'm not fooling myself like before, when I could say "I don't have a problem." I know I have a problem. I know that if I don't stop I'll wind up back in a hospital. What I don't understand is why I want what is bad for me. For the first time in years, I feel safer keeping the crazy than risking letting go and living without it.
I guess this isn't the best place to discuss this sort of thing. I tried using an ED forum, but the school where I work has got 'em all blocked. They don't block PA, though. Weird.
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
Eh...really depends on sex and size. A small woman might have a BMR around 1500.
Maybe the problem is that everything is going well for you. Why do you feel the need to act in this manner when your life is moving in a positive direction? You might be letting down your guard or defenses that blocked this behavior.
All of these issues are mental. Your mind is in a constant battle between denying yourself and accomodating the bad behavior. You need to reach a certain level of stability, mentally, physically, and spiritually where it will become easier to fight these urges.
Something is definitely causing this. You know better than we do.
I am a horrible, horrible person. I'm so sorry.
You should really seek help from a professional, but like you said you've already seen one.
Confession: I used to be bulimic, back in high school. I was perfectly self-aware, I told myself it was an illness, but I was so unsatisfied with my body image that I couldn't stop. Looking back, I had severe rebellion issues with my parents (which was probably the real reason) and I was very stressed about going to college soon after. I got to the point where I was making myself throw up 5-6 times per week.
I quit when I went to college; at the time I told myself it was because I'd afraid I'd get caught, living in a dorm, but in reality it was my first time being free from my parents. Life was stress-free at first too. A couple years later I got in a relationship where my boyfriend was extremely controlling and untrusting, school was also high stress, and I relapsed into bulimia but would occasionally flirt with anorexia. Once again I got past that once I got through all the stress plaguing myself.
These were all really long processes and it took a while to get myself free of my eating disorders. I still struggle with it; I'm occasionally very tempted to lapse back into bulimia after I eat a big meal. Two things have helped: First, I exercise and I'm starting to see the results (I have a six pack yeahhhh). If I do overeat, I tell myself that I'll just work harder in my next workout, and then I do. Second of all, I keep a journal as a way of relieving stress and having an outlet for stressful or upsetting emotions.
...But I do think you should consider seeing a professional; try to find a good doctor this time, if you don't feel like the ones you've previously had have helped.
really funny.
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
Nothing. It's difficult to internalize this when all you see is what's going wrong. You aren't a bad person or a failure. You've successfully identified an issue in your life, realized you need external assistance to help you, and are actively seeking it. That takes lots of courage.
All that said, I don't have much advice. Trying to guess what's driving this is next to useless, would be just that - a wild ass guess. You could write a list of your top 5 suspects and then try to eliminate them or confirm them as possibilities. mind rays? tinfoil hat time!
Have you tried CBT? There's a free site sponsored by a UK health service with some CBT modules that are designed to help you get to the root of those unhealthy thoughts. http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/
Irrelevant tangent: you can live indefinitely on around 800 calories a day. No it's not great fun long term, but don't worry about dying just cause you skipped some meals. internet experts- Argue about it somewhere else plz. TIA.