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Hit with a gray response! (dating question)
Godfather
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, i'm gonna try and sum up this as best as I can. I actually got two very strong pieces of advice from a couple of buddies in one of the sub-forums here, but I could certainly use a few other opinions to be sure!
I'm going to try and sum this up as best as I can to give you the full picture:
So during my first year in this animation school I met this girl in second year.
She was pretty attractive, and I was able to talk to her once in a blue moon, but I found out later through one of my teachers that she dropped out after the 2nd half of the second semester. Sucks, but whatcha gonna do, eh? At that time I was very anti-confident with a lot of things, and she seemed very far out of my league anyways, so it didn't really faze me too much.
Cut to last week.
Some people in my group decide to go celebrate at a bar to signify the beginning of Work Week (I.E. "break week"). Later in the evening the group goes to this packed small bar/club area around Queen Street, and guess who's there? The same girl!
I'd like to mention that a lot of things have changed since the last time I saw her. I learned how to deal with people much better than before, secured a solid base of friends, was getting along well with my group, and felt a hell of a lot more stable in terms of everything compared to the year prior. And since I knew her the year before, it was pretty easy to start up a conversation like it was nothing.
Things go smoothly; i'm not hitting on her or anything, just really enjoying conversation and all that. In terms of art she's pretty strong in all the elements that I suck at, so after asking I was able to grab some digits to set up a meet-up of sorts so she could help me out.
I think I tried to call her Sunday, but got an automatic busy tone, so I tried again Monday, which patched through fine, and set up a meet-up Wednesday afternoon.
Now here's where it gets tricky.
All I was really expecting out of this meet up was to learn about art. I mean, she's cute and all, but i've learned a thing or two from dating, and for me looks aren't the sole selling point anymore; they are definitely something, but if that's all their is, consider it a dealbreaker. So yeah, I was planning to (at best) secure a decent friendship out of this thing.
But as time goes by, i'm realizing that we're not doing a lot of drawing, and more of a lot of talking instead. What's interesting is that this girl has one of the best personalities i've ever stumbled across. I mean
Holy
Shit
So after the hang out is said and done, it occurs to me that it would be pretty stupid to let something this good slide through the cracks. I'm able to set up another meet-up the upcoming Saturday and we go our separate ways.
Cut later again to Saturday night.
My buddy Tom's playing a gig at this bar called The Smiling Buddha, and he's headlining the gig, so he's not on stage till 10. We meet up at about nine at the corner of the street so I can direct her towards the bar. We get there, pay the coverage fee, yada yada yada.
So the evening goes along just as smooth as the prior meet-up, trucking along full speed until halfway through the second-to-last set, where she finds out through text message that one of her friends is puking her guts out due to excessive drinking. She asks me if I would hate her for leaving, and i'm all "nah, it's cool. Gotta help out your friends" and all that stuff, but I tell her that i'd like to ask her something before she goes.
So I meet her outside and tell her that she's got this great personality, that she's a very interesting person and asked if she'd like to go out sometime during the week.
This is where the problem arises.
Normally you'll get a solid "yes" or "no" answer. I say this because, despite how they may dress it up, you can still tell when a romantic interest is bullshitting you or not, no matter how nice or rude they want to state it.
But that's not what I got.
No, I got one of those gray area answers. You know, where it's not a "yes", definitely not a "no", but still too vague to read as a "maybe"? Yeah, one of those.
Now i'm not the gimpy teenager that I once was; I can deal with both acceptance and rejection just fine.
If it's good, hey, that's great; if it's not happening, I can just move on with my life. Things like this don't faze me like they used to back in High School.
But with these "gray" area answers, it's a bit tricky. I can't remember the last time I got hit with one of these!
To sum up what she told me, it basically boiled down to "I recently got out of a rocky relationship, and right now i'd rather throw myself in traffic than jump right back into another one"
And that's fine, I agree with that; we've all been there after all. But i'm having trouble distinguishing what this actually means.
The way I see it there are two options:
1) I could pursue this thing.
Poster A here says that I should give it some time for things to stuff on her end to recover. Once enough time has passed then I could give it another go and hope for the best. I've seen this type of thing happen a lot, so it has some pretty sturdy backing. Give it a bit of time to blow over and we're back in business.
2) I abandon ship now.
Poster B here thinks that the longer I try to pursue this thing, the more desperate i'm going to appear. Even though this isn't actually the case, I could definitely see this appearing as such; a desperate loser grasping for straws, just waiting for her to be ready. Based on this theory it would seem silly to let things that may not even happen pan out when I could just move on with my life instead. Another solid conclusion.
3) ???
I'm asking for an opinion on this because this has been the first time where i've met a potential interest with this amazing of a personality; if it was just looks I would have figured this out on my own already, but since we've got this instead it's a bit confusing. I really think there's a solid connection going on here, and not just because I like her, but rather based on the observations I made when conversing.
So what should I do guys? Give me your best advice!
I'm going to try and sum this up as best as I can to give you the full picture:
So during my first year in this animation school I met this girl in second year.
She was pretty attractive, and I was able to talk to her once in a blue moon, but I found out later through one of my teachers that she dropped out after the 2nd half of the second semester. Sucks, but whatcha gonna do, eh? At that time I was very anti-confident with a lot of things, and she seemed very far out of my league anyways, so it didn't really faze me too much.
Cut to last week.
Some people in my group decide to go celebrate at a bar to signify the beginning of Work Week (I.E. "break week"). Later in the evening the group goes to this packed small bar/club area around Queen Street, and guess who's there? The same girl!
I'd like to mention that a lot of things have changed since the last time I saw her. I learned how to deal with people much better than before, secured a solid base of friends, was getting along well with my group, and felt a hell of a lot more stable in terms of everything compared to the year prior. And since I knew her the year before, it was pretty easy to start up a conversation like it was nothing.
Things go smoothly; i'm not hitting on her or anything, just really enjoying conversation and all that. In terms of art she's pretty strong in all the elements that I suck at, so after asking I was able to grab some digits to set up a meet-up of sorts so she could help me out.
I think I tried to call her Sunday, but got an automatic busy tone, so I tried again Monday, which patched through fine, and set up a meet-up Wednesday afternoon.
Now here's where it gets tricky.
All I was really expecting out of this meet up was to learn about art. I mean, she's cute and all, but i've learned a thing or two from dating, and for me looks aren't the sole selling point anymore; they are definitely something, but if that's all their is, consider it a dealbreaker. So yeah, I was planning to (at best) secure a decent friendship out of this thing.
But as time goes by, i'm realizing that we're not doing a lot of drawing, and more of a lot of talking instead. What's interesting is that this girl has one of the best personalities i've ever stumbled across. I mean
Holy
Shit
So after the hang out is said and done, it occurs to me that it would be pretty stupid to let something this good slide through the cracks. I'm able to set up another meet-up the upcoming Saturday and we go our separate ways.
Cut later again to Saturday night.
My buddy Tom's playing a gig at this bar called The Smiling Buddha, and he's headlining the gig, so he's not on stage till 10. We meet up at about nine at the corner of the street so I can direct her towards the bar. We get there, pay the coverage fee, yada yada yada.
So the evening goes along just as smooth as the prior meet-up, trucking along full speed until halfway through the second-to-last set, where she finds out through text message that one of her friends is puking her guts out due to excessive drinking. She asks me if I would hate her for leaving, and i'm all "nah, it's cool. Gotta help out your friends" and all that stuff, but I tell her that i'd like to ask her something before she goes.
So I meet her outside and tell her that she's got this great personality, that she's a very interesting person and asked if she'd like to go out sometime during the week.
This is where the problem arises.
Normally you'll get a solid "yes" or "no" answer. I say this because, despite how they may dress it up, you can still tell when a romantic interest is bullshitting you or not, no matter how nice or rude they want to state it.
But that's not what I got.
No, I got one of those gray area answers. You know, where it's not a "yes", definitely not a "no", but still too vague to read as a "maybe"? Yeah, one of those.
Now i'm not the gimpy teenager that I once was; I can deal with both acceptance and rejection just fine.
If it's good, hey, that's great; if it's not happening, I can just move on with my life. Things like this don't faze me like they used to back in High School.
But with these "gray" area answers, it's a bit tricky. I can't remember the last time I got hit with one of these!
To sum up what she told me, it basically boiled down to "I recently got out of a rocky relationship, and right now i'd rather throw myself in traffic than jump right back into another one"
And that's fine, I agree with that; we've all been there after all. But i'm having trouble distinguishing what this actually means.
The way I see it there are two options:
1) I could pursue this thing.
Poster A here says that I should give it some time for things to stuff on her end to recover. Once enough time has passed then I could give it another go and hope for the best. I've seen this type of thing happen a lot, so it has some pretty sturdy backing. Give it a bit of time to blow over and we're back in business.
2) I abandon ship now.
Poster B here thinks that the longer I try to pursue this thing, the more desperate i'm going to appear. Even though this isn't actually the case, I could definitely see this appearing as such; a desperate loser grasping for straws, just waiting for her to be ready. Based on this theory it would seem silly to let things that may not even happen pan out when I could just move on with my life instead. Another solid conclusion.
3) ???
I'm asking for an opinion on this because this has been the first time where i've met a potential interest with this amazing of a personality; if it was just looks I would have figured this out on my own already, but since we've got this instead it's a bit confusing. I really think there's a solid connection going on here, and not just because I like her, but rather based on the observations I made when conversing.
So what should I do guys? Give me your best advice!
Godfather on
0
Posts
I'd say just try to be friends and when she's ready, you should be able to tell. Just go in with the expectation of just being friends, though, and you'll be fine.
Also, maybe take out some of the extra spaces in your OP?
Also I kinda phrased it bluntly compared to what she actually said.
But other than that, it's some sound advice you got there.
That said, if something else comes along, you might want to pursue that for now instead of just waiting around and (sort of) hinging your bets on this girl.
Exactly. That's as straight an answer as you'll get from most people.
The important thing is that you actually went for it. Take the experience and confidence and use it when you meet someone else you're interested in.
Not that it's really bad on me, I can deal with rejection and my friend was and still is observing all forms of "bro code." Just the whole "I can't just say no so I'm going to let you sit in this pan of burning hot indecisiveness" thing really bothers me, mainly because I don't think the people that do it have been on the other side. Because man, it sucks.
She is now at most your friend, if she wants to initiate something further down the line then she will do so. But don't wait for her, really do not make yourself miserable, either be her friend and let her know that or politely bow out of her social awareness.
Because if she gave you any indication of reluctance, well, maybe she is just feeling overwhelmed and doesn't want to start anything yet. But the second one? I'd say she was letting you down without being direct.
I would be willing to bet that if she feels that messed up about her last relationship she doesn't feel qualified to give you a proper yes or no because she doesn't know what she would think about you if she weren't in a really bad place.
Can you be an honest friend? If so do it. She will know how you think about her and if she returns those feelings later once she feels more secure about herself and her judgment she will make a move on you.
But don't be her friend with the hope that this will happen.
Okay guys, these all sound reasonable enough. I'm pretty sure the conclusion that RUNN1NGMAN came to actually isn't the case at all, but regardless i'm going to follow the majority voice here and keep on truckin'.
To answer your question iglidante, it's actually more of the former, but I think i'm gonna go with the friend zone and not hold out for anything relationship-wise. I'm a big man, i've been through these things before! I'm confident that I can be an honest buddy, and whatever happens happens. I'm positive something else will come along later down the line, and i'm in no hurry to get there.
Thanks for the support Karl!
If anyone else would like to chime in to this subject, please feel free!
but they're listening to every word I say
Never hurts to have another friend, right? And this girl sounds really decent, too. I think that's a good call.
They're called The Counterpoint!
My buddy Tom is the bassist, and he usually works his ass off at school so he can practice, so I try to be as supportive as I can. I know that i'd appreciate it if I were in a similar position, so I do my best to make most of his gigs.
@JebusUD : Could be! You never know with these things. I'm not betting the farm on this type of situation, but i've seen it happen before.
@Usagi: I think you nailed it the best honestly, because that is a great way of summing up her response.
So to reiterate, i'm not holding out for anything as of now, and I can do the whole friend thing without a second thought. Certainly isn't the first time i've become a good buddy to a girl that I had dating interests in. One of my best contacts started out this way, and she's practically been my lifeblood to social situations during my first year.
Always pays off to spin these type of things into something else, you know?
Great advice all around.
Either way, I think you scared her off by pouring your heart out to her the second time you went out. She's probably gotten that before and seen where it ends up. Getting it from a guy you haven't seen in a year is also a little bit weird.
"So this guy was infatuated with me the entire time I was in school? Ick" -- I'm not saying that's how it was, only how it *could* appear.
I hate the 'abandon ship' idea though, the logic just doesn't follow from "this girl is awesome" to "she said no - fuck her".
My advice would be to forget about being in a romantic relationship with her, but keep in touch and try to play it cool. Show her that you're capable of just being a normal guy who is capable of hanging around her without a huge hard-on (in the mental sense as much as the physical). Invite her out to casual encounters and tell her to bring friends - introduce them to your friends, etc. Like any friendship, it'll either strengthen or run its course.. and maybe one night you'll pick up a vibe from her that she feels the same way about you and things can advance from there.
Edit: I wanted to, and originally thought, that her answer was more of a maybe. After reading the responses though (which is when I wrote my post) I think some of the female/more experienced board members put that to rest. "If it's not a yes it's a no" is a very good motto, I think.
P.S. What kind of venue/where is this Smiling Buddha? Torontonian who likes live music trying to expand his horizons.
Hope this helps!:
Positive.
She spent the day going to the Toronto Zombiewalk with a friend that she told me about the day before, and then called in advance to tell me that she wanted to meet at 9 instead of 7:30. When I met up with her, she apologized profusely, saying that it turns out one of her buddies 30th birthday was today, and he didn't tell anyone, so their crew made it a mandatory quick bar drinking bash, and she would have been here much sooner if it weren't for that, yada yada yada.
She was in mid conversation talking about painting techniques to me during the second-to-last set when she got interrupted via text message talking about said friend losing it, so she had to jet.
Hahah, oh no my friend, I did not "pour my heart out" to her like you would believe. I just said that she was a cool person with a hell of a personality, and that we should go out sometime if time permits. I was talking with a completely level head at the time; I know full well what an infatuated response sounds like, and this wasn't it.
Agreed.
She did nothing wrong! I have no plans to drop her out of my social life because she doesn't want to go out now or ever! She's got a great head on her shoulders, it'd be a waste to drop a potential rockin' friendship like a bad habit.
Yes, this is what The Smiling Buddha show was about. I could have easily went with some friends, but I wanted her to get to know some of my crew and meet some old friends that may have shown up to the venue. She's also going to come to my other friend's Haunted House Halloween thing next week. Should be fun.
I don't really get a mental/physical "hard on" when i'm around her, she's just fun to hang around is all. I would consider that happening only when your thoughts get crowded with all that romantic fluff and whatnot, but that just doesn't happen. It's kinda goofy, I can't really explain it. Like, I could go the romantic route, and have all those typical head games start dancing around, or I could step off and be perfectly great.
Is there even a word in the human lexicon that could sum that up? It's a very silly concept.
Yep, I think that's a pretty good motto. It'd be a smart bet to live by those words.
To answer your previous question, i've had the occasional woman friendship that starts out with the romantic interest, doesn't fly, morphs into a solid friendship, then a year or two down the line a rather strong romance wave comes straight out of the blue from their side of the fence that'll catch you off guard, leaving you a bit confused because you've kinda moved past that but you don't know what to do in the situation, but nothing happens in the end because that ship has sailed for you.
Or maybe that was just a wacky experience logged in the Tales of Godfather Adventure Book.
Just a small bar with a sound stage. You know, the usual set-up when it comes to these things. Kinda cozy.
Shows probably vary on different nights. I've only been there twice.
Other than 'overthinking' I can't think of a good word for 'being able to do something just fine until you think about doing it'. Overthinking doesn't really cover it.
Stop
Double
Space
Your
Posts. It's a fucking space eating waste of time and unnecessary scrolling.
You should write fortune cookies. That's good concise advice!
PSN: Broichan
Hrm, i'm wondering if you even read any of the responses in this thread.
Also, this thread topic has already been resolved. So if anyone wants to lock it or whatever, feel free.
Of course I read the other responses. I assume that you don't come to the advice forum and take the advice of the first person who replies. Nothing wrong with echoing the opinions of others you agree with in a thread like this.
Good luck to you.