Perhaps not "lying" exactly, but if you are passing as something other than your birth sex, and you do not have a very strong impression that your partner has an open mind and is down with that sort of thing, you're putting them in a situation they would not have agreed to were they fully informed. If that isn't a lie, it's definitely less than honest.
How much information do you give out on a first date?
Should a person incapable of having children for whatever reason immediately tell a person that before they date?
You don't know you can't have children until you get tested or/and try. You know you're transgendered, and are therefore purposefully with-holding information.
I wonder how many guys would be equally infuriated when they find out a woman they're dating has implants. "YOU LIED TO ME!"
I doubt all that many.
If that's what they decided was important for them (and here we go on a derailment about how society chose it for them), so be it.
Aside from a difference in feel (or so I'm told) I can't really see an issue with that at face value.
It's a significantly smaller "lie" than "I was born with/without a penis/vagina, and now I don't/do have one."
Edit: I'd also venture that the number of partners who would find their altered physique a massive turnon would outnumber those turned on by SRS by several orders of magnitude. I'm aware that individuals with such inclinations are out there, but they can't possibly be in the same numbers as all the guys who've bought their wives/girlfriends/mistresses a new 'rack'.
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ElldrenIs a woman dammitceterum censeoRegistered Userregular
Y'know I noticed a lot of posts here act as if casual dating is the only kind. I mean, it is possible to date people you've known for longer than a lonely-ad posting. That makes the context of this thread easier though, I guess, since that builds up time for trust to be garnered and things to be disclosed most likely beforehand.
I think requiring people to say something before the first date is a little extreme, but I definitely think it should be brought up by the second or third date, or well before physical intimacy happens.
I honestly don't see how the violence angle is relevant; if you're worried about potential partners becoming violent when they find out you're trans, it would seem prudent to figure out what their attitude is about the subject as soon as possible, rather than waiting until the relationship is more serious and emotion is more involved.
Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
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Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
It seems like Deebaser is claiming that no trasgendered person should ever attempt to go out with anyone of either sex, on the off chance that the person they pursue someone with his sensibilities.
Unless of course they walk up to their target and say, "hi, my name's Patricia but it used to be Patrick, I hope that doesn't upset you enough not to go out with me."
I don't know, it seems like a good idea for transgendered people to make sure their dates have full disclosure going into the date. Without that disclosure, at the very least they're risking a very awkward and uncomfortable situation. At worst, there is the real potential for violence if their date freaks out.
It seems like internet dating might be a good approach, so that the dates know what they're getting into. That, and dating people in your general pool of acquaintances who already know the situation.
The issue of honesty aside, it seems like a transgendered person is rolling the dice if they go out on a date with someone who is unaware of their status.
but then they will usually run into people who have a kink for transgendered people. usually they get the operation to live as a normal man or woman, not to have a label on their heads forever and only be chosen because they are a kink.
Perhaps. But, if the choices are people who are attracted to you for slightly kinky reasons, or rolling the dice on potentially getting murdered, it seems like the former is preferable. And internet dating would let you weed out the weirdos, to some extent. I've never internet dated, but I know from friends who've done it that there is usually a period of e-mail and phone contact before you meet someone in real life. That would give the transgendered person the ability to weed out someone who is only into it because they want to fulfill their she-male fantasy, or whatever.
There are a lot of things that can make a fledgling relationship go sour. But, trans-status is the only one I can think of that can get a person killed. In a perfect world, the worse that should happen if someone found out their date was transgendered might be a little awkwardness and embarassment. But we don't live in a perfect world.
yeah, they can hope to get someone nice, but a MtF friend of mine told me some horror stories involving internet dating and she mostly (98%) was contacted by weirdos. i am not talking like a man who likes feet goes for a girl with cute toes here either. she told me it felt dehumanizing.
Um, no one said hook up. We said that if the relationship started getting serious and you found out the other person was transgender. I mean really, when the hell do you want this, the first date?
Before that actually. Let's be honest here, if you knew someone was transgendered beforehand, would you ask them out?
Oh god no, who could ever want one of those transies!
You're disgusting.
As wrong as his intent may be, the point isn't COMPLETELY invalid.
Let's assume you are a straight female.
Or maybe you're gay. That works too.
You start dating a guy (or girl). They are great, nice, and you two connect.
Turns out they're really the opposite gender and they never told you. You found out because you got frisky and touched somewhere telling, or tried to surprise them while they took a shower or changed or something.
Now you find out they aren't who you are sexually attracted to. Literally. Not "I don't like them now", but you are just not attracted to their physical gender.
Hell, even a bisexual can still be annoyed by being essentially lied to.
Are they a bad person for being transgendered? Hell no. Their being good or bad people relies more on who they are as a person then whether or not their genitals dangle or tuck.
Do they HAVE to tell you before your first date? No, but it could help avoid potential awkwardness.
Do they have to tell you EVENTUALLY? (Preferably before it gets TOO serious) Yes. Definitely. Unless you think so low of that person that they'd never understand. Hell, if a person being transgendered is that big of a deal you can easily tell with a few off-handed remarks. "I had a friend in high school who was transgendered." Response: "Ew, that's disgusting", find out how to tell them it won't work. Keep your secret. Everyones happy.)
Wait, is trans pre or post op?
Letting someone know what sex/gender you are is a necessary disclosure and a sign of respect for ones sexuality. Letting someone know that you were once something else is random unless you're comparing biographies.
Y'know I noticed a lot of posts here act as if casual dating is the only kind. I mean, it is possible to date people you've known for longer than a lonely-ad posting. That makes the context of this thread easier though, I guess, since that builds up time for trust to be garnered and things to be disclosed most likely beforehand.
Casual dating is easier to hypothesize about. :P
I hate myself for not being able to sum up the point I'm trying to reach like others are able to. But yeah, that's what I was going for.
Perhaps not "lying" exactly, but if you are passing as something other than your birth sex, and you do not have a very strong impression that your partner has an open mind and is down with that sort of thing, you're putting them in a situation they would not have agreed to were they fully informed. If that isn't a lie, it's definitely less than honest.
How much information do you give out on a first date?
Should a person incapable of having children for whatever reason immediately tell a person that before they date?
I guess that, were I transgendered, I would attempt to get to know potential "interests" in a broader social setting before settling on one to date. Because really, I'd want to know how receptive they would be before making that leap.
Um, no one said hook up. We said that if the relationship started getting serious and you found out the other person was transgender. I mean really, when the hell do you want this, the first date?
Before that actually. Let's be honest here, if you knew someone was transgendered beforehand, would you ask them out?
Oh god no, who could ever want one of those transies!
You're disgusting.
And you're abject filth if you think it's okay to lie about what you are to start a relationship that with someone who would otherwise reject you.
What do you find so toxic about simple honesty?
No one is stating that anyone is "lying".
The same way you might not tell someone about cancer or another medical condition off-the-bat.
Or, more to the topic, that you used to live in Canada.
Yeah, the whole premise that it's wrong not to give a potential mate a complete run-down of all possible deal breakers is weird. I don't need to tell some girl at a party that oh by the way I'm an atheist, and oh my dick is ... 150,000 inches, and I talk too much and I've got a sense of humor that might not match hers...
Admittedly, being a transgendered person is something that's probably a more frequent deal breaker but it's not wrong to bring it up a little later than the first meeting/date just because the other person may not like it.
Really? So leading the other person on for a date is o.k? What if the person wants to kiss you before he or she knows what you really are? It's not bad to be transgender no, but it is wrong to not be honest about so large a thing from the start of a relationship. Why be in a relationship if you're not going to be completely honest with each other. I want a SO that knows me for me, and to be o.k with who I am and what I've done, and I want them to be able to trust me completely and be comfortable with me. If I am fine with lying to her or with-holding information (which is the same abuse of trust by the way), then what's the point of being together?
Not everyone is comfortable discussing medical procedures they've had with someone they might not know very well on the first date.
There are a lot of things that can make a fledgling relationship go sour. But, trans-status is the only one I can think of that can get a person killed.
I would like the point out that this is false and that you're probably going to get quite a few examples really soon.
That doesn't really change my point, though. Concealing one's transgendered status can get that person killed. Maybe concealing other stuff can, too, but that doesn't reduce the risk to a transgendered person when dating someone who does not know their status.
Ultimately, what this boils down to is what is best, not what is fair. It may be unfair that being transgender is a serious problem in a relationship, it may be unfair (in fact, it probably is unfair) that I'm not interested in a relationship with someone who is transgender and many other people share my viewpoint.
But at the end of the day, it is what it is, and the earlier in a relationship you have this discussion with your SO, the more open and honest you can be with each other and the more likely they will be to accept or deny you in an earnest fashion, instead of feeling used or lied to.
Many people, for valid reasons or not, have issues with sexual relationships with transgender people. There's nothing wrong with trying to educate or inform the world to change that bias, or hoping it fades over time (or as medicine improves), but if you care about your SO you're obligated to inform them of significant relationship issues.
That's it, ultimately. You have an obligation to be upfront and honest with your romantic partner. The sooner you are, the better.
I think if you're considering a relationship with someone it's time to bring it out in the open. I understand hiding it for safety sakes but once it gets to the point where "well, now there's a good chance I'll have to tell them down the line" then you've hit that point where regardless of whether you tell them now or later and their answer will be the same thing (most of the time).
I don't really see how it can possibly be conscionable for a trans person to not notify their partner they are trans until they are right at the brink of physical intimacy.
I mean, you've been misleading someone for a considerable amount of time at that point. And this is something that's acceptable?
how would you react if a cute girl you had been checking out walks up to you and says 'hi i am susan, but i was born with a penis. can i buy you a drink?'
you must realize that they are the gender they appear to be. they aren't walking around saying 'be ladylike' to themselves over and over. they should tell the person they are dating when a certain level of intimacy has been made mentally, where they will feel safe telling you about such a big part of their life.
i don't go telling guys about my baggage when i first meet them, and i don't expect them to tell me theirs right away either.
Are we talking like, a 'hook-up-at-a-bar' kind of encounter here? I would expect this person to lean over to me at some point fairly soon in the conversation and let me know what the score was. Not like, invite me home, get half naked, and let me find out on my own.
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Deebaseron my way to work in a suit and a tieAhhhh...come on fucking guyRegistered Userregular
I think requiring people to say something before the first date is a little extreme, but I definitely think it should be brought up by the second or third date, or well before physical intimacy happens.
I honestly don't see how the violence angle is relevant; if you're worried about potential partners becoming violent when they find out you're trans, it would seem prudent to figure out what their attitude is about the subject as soon as possible, rather than waiting until the relationship is more serious and emotion is more involved.
There are a lot of things that can make a fledgling relationship go sour. But, trans-status is the only one I can think of that can get a person killed.
I would like the point out that this is false and that you're probably going to get quite a few examples really soon.
That doesn't really change my point, though. Concealing one's transgendered status can get that person killed. Maybe concealing other stuff can, too, but that doesn't reduce the risk to a transgendered person when dating someone who does not know their status.
Not concealing one's transgender status can get one killed or beaten up. There's a reason people might keep it something of a secret with people they don't know well yet.
If you're dating someone, you're going to need to tell them your status eventually, if things progress. It seems like the least risky time to do so is before the first date- you'll instantly screen out everyone who is not comfortable with dating a transgendered person.
Modern Man on
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Rigorous Scholarship
Really? So leading the other person on for a date is o.k? What if the person wants to kiss you before he or she knows what you really are? It's not bad to be transgender no, but it is wrong to not be honest about so large a thing from the start of a relationship. Why be in a relationship if you're not going to be completely honest with each other. I want a SO that knows me for me, and to be o.k with who I am and what I've done, and I want them to be able to trust me completely and be comfortable with me. If I am fine with lying to her or with-holding information (which is the same abuse of trust by the way), then what's the point of being together?
Not everyone is comfortable discussing medical procedures they've had with someone they might not know very well on the first date.
This isn't a you must divulge EVERYTHING at the start of a relationship, this is pretty limited in scope. If you are entering into a romantic encounter with an individual and there is something about you that might be a pretty huge fucking deal to the other person, you are kind of obligated to tell them for the sake of honesty.
An overwhelming majority of the population consider this is an instant deal-breaker.
Which is why it's important to disclose it before the relationship becomes serious and they get to know you better.
Scal: Sorry, Pre-op.
Post op It's really more on the transgendered person if they wanna tell (although a MtF post-op might wanna explain this BEFORE the subject of kids comes up.) though my response is a (much more mild) "You really should.
I am amused by the sort of things people feel they need to know about someone before they have even gone out to grab a cup of coffee with them.
You know, honestly? You guys who are all "Man I would punch him in the face if he didn't introduce himself with 'HI I AM ANNETTE AND I USED TO HAVE A DICK!' because like ew, man, penis cooties" are probably pretty safe. I doubt any transgendered folks will be ever asking you out. Or, you know, anybody put off by ridiculous amounts of penis-phobia. I know if I was a tranny*, I would probably only try to date people who seemed to not be prone to such violence.
*Is "tranny" considered offensive? "Transgendered person" is just obnoxiously long to type out.
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syndalisGetting ClassyOn the WallRegistered User, Loves Apple Productsregular
edited October 2009
I have stayed out of this chat, though I participated in one much like it back on 360a.
My stance is this. Be fucking open about it right from the start. If you think the person is going to judge you harshly for it, then what makes you think that it will be any better once they fall for you? Do you want to emotionally trap them so that they are conflicted about something they don't want to be a part of?
Furthermore, if you suspect the person IS going to flip out so you don't want to tell them, they are not worth your time. Do not try to change somebody; that is relationship poison. If they are against TG people for any reason (lack of kids, inside-out penises freak them out, etc), then they are going to be the same way when you break the news to them.
Yes, it sucks that you were born into an era where finding someone accepting of your choice/genetic makeup isn't as easy as it is for non-TG people... but the internet is a marvelous thing, and there are entire communities of people out there who share your worldview who would be more than willing to seek romance with you, not even despite your choice or because of it... but because they just don't let it define you like others will.
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Donkey KongPutting Nintendo out of business with AI nipsRegistered Userregular
edited October 2009
Lots of girls find circumcision, whether it's done or not, to be a deal breaker. Guys don't typically announce if they're cut on the first date.
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Thousands of hot, local singles are waiting to play at bubbulon.com.
Really? So leading the other person on for a date is o.k? What if the person wants to kiss you before he or she knows what you really are? It's not bad to be transgender no, but it is wrong to not be honest about so large a thing from the start of a relationship. Why be in a relationship if you're not going to be completely honest with each other. I want a SO that knows me for me, and to be o.k with who I am and what I've done, and I want them to be able to trust me completely and be comfortable with me. If I am fine with lying to her or with-holding information (which is the same abuse of trust by the way), then what's the point of being together?
Not everyone is comfortable discussing medical procedures they've had with someone they might not know very well on the first date.
Come on Quid, this isn't the same as "hey, how did you get that scar near the other moles on your back?" or "you ever had an abortion?". It's something that could more than definitely effect the relationship. Although, the abortion thing could for some people, but they're idiots.
Um, no one said hook up. We said that if the relationship started getting serious and you found out the other person was transgender. I mean really, when the hell do you want this, the first date?
Before that actually. Let's be honest here, if you knew someone was transgendered beforehand, would you ask them out?
Oh god no, who could ever want one of those transies!
You're disgusting.
And you're abject filth if you think it's okay to lie about what you are to start a relationship that with someone who would otherwise reject you.
What do you find so toxic about simple honesty?
I don't think I understand how a trans person who identifies as a woman is lying by being a woman when she goes on dates with men. I mean, not telling him you're trans isn't lying. You aren't being dishonest about who you are by not telling him. It doesn't matter what your sex was or is--you're still a woman.
Trans people aren't being deceitful about their gender or sex. It seems to me like a lot of people assume trans individuals are secret, tricksy gays trying to fool us into their disgusting sex traps.
Are we talking like, a 'hook-up-at-a-bar' kind of encounter here? I would expect this person to lean over to me at some point fairly soon in the conversation and let me know what the score was. Not like, invite me home, get half naked, and let me find out on my own.
With the progress that's been made on SRS surgery for MTFs, you would most likely still not find out on your own once the clothes came off, if she were post-op.
Really? So leading the other person on for a date is o.k? What if the person wants to kiss you before he or she knows what you really are? It's not bad to be transgender no, but it is wrong to not be honest about so large a thing from the start of a relationship. Why be in a relationship if you're not going to be completely honest with each other. I want a SO that knows me for me, and to be o.k with who I am and what I've done, and I want them to be able to trust me completely and be comfortable with me. If I am fine with lying to her or with-holding information (which is the same abuse of trust by the way), then what's the point of being together?
Not everyone is comfortable discussing medical procedures they've had with someone they might not know very well on the first date.
"Hi, I'm Ed, and I had a polyp removed from the inside of my ass last year. Wanna go out?"
ElJeffe on
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Come on Quid, this isn't the same as "hey, how did you get that scar near the other moles on your back?" or "you ever had an abortion?". It's something that could more than definitely effect the relationship. Although, the abortion thing could for some people, but they're idiots.
So people who freak out at someone for not immediately telling them they had an abortion are idiots.
People who freak out at someone for not immediately telling them they're transgendered are totally justified.
Perhaps not "lying" exactly, but if you are passing as something other than your birth sex, and you do not have a very strong impression that your partner has an open mind and is down with that sort of thing, you're putting them in a situation they would not have agreed to were they fully informed. If that isn't a lie, it's definitely less than honest.
How much information do you give out on a first date?
Should a person incapable of having children for whatever reason immediately tell a person that before they date?
I guess that, were I transgendered, I would attempt to get to know potential "interests" in a broader social setting before settling on one to date. Because really, I'd want to know how receptive they would be before making that leap.
it is EXTREMELY hard to know how someone will react. People who you think are going to be completely cool with it freak out. People who have been known to make transphobic and homophobic comments and what not sometimes turn out to be great friends and allies. So really, you cant tell if its going to be a deal breaker until you actually utter the words and let the person mull it over.
Are we talking like, a 'hook-up-at-a-bar' kind of encounter here? I would expect this person to lean over to me at some point fairly soon in the conversation and let me know what the score was. Not like, invite me home, get half naked, and let me find out on my own.
With the progress that's been made on SRS surgery for MTFs, you would most likely still not find out on your own once the clothes came off, if she were post-op.
I actually realize now that I misread belruel's post as "I have" versus "I was born with."
Post-op I think is sort of a different issue, but I also think it's something that should be mentioned before intimacy happens.
Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
it was the smallest on the list but
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
Um, no one said hook up. We said that if the relationship started getting serious and you found out the other person was transgender. I mean really, when the hell do you want this, the first date?
Before that actually. Let's be honest here, if you knew someone was transgendered beforehand, would you ask them out?
Oh god no, who could ever want one of those transies!
You're disgusting.
And you're abject filth if you think it's okay to lie about what you are to start a relationship that with someone who would otherwise reject you.
What do you find so toxic about simple honesty?
I don't think I understand how a trans person who identifies as a woman is lying by being a woman when she goes on dates with men. I mean, not telling him you're trans isn't lying. You aren't being dishonest about who you are because it doesn't matter what your sex was--you're a woman.
Trans people aren't deceitful. It seems to me like a lot of people assume trans individuals are secret, tricksy gays trying to fool us into their disgusting sex traps.
Like a lot of people have said, pre-op versus post-op makes all the difference in the world. Post-op? If I can't tell, I probably don't really need to know (unless it's serious, in which case that's a huge part of someone's life that should be discussed). Pre-op? I'm expecting a vagina and I find a dick. Big difference there. I don't want to be in that situation.
I really get the impression that lots of people think of trans as like a pair of glasses you dropped in the toilet. No matter how you clean and clean, you will always think you smell something, and will dread putting them on, forever.
I don't really see how it can possibly be conscionable for a trans person to not notify their partner they are trans until they are right at the brink of physical intimacy.
I mean, you've been misleading someone for a considerable amount of time at that point. And this is something that's acceptable?
how would you react if a cute girl you had been checking out walks up to you and says 'hi i am susan, but i was born with a penis. can i buy you a drink?'
you must realize that they are the gender they appear to be. they aren't walking around saying 'be ladylike' to themselves over and over. they should tell the person they are dating when a certain level of intimacy has been made mentally, where they will feel safe telling you about such a big part of their life.
i don't go telling guys about my baggage when i first meet them, and i don't expect them to tell me theirs right away either.
Are we talking like, a 'hook-up-at-a-bar' kind of encounter here? I would expect this person to lean over to me at some point fairly soon in the conversation and let me know what the score was. Not like, invite me home, get half naked, and let me find out on my own.
but chances are you would never find out. looks, feels, sounds, acts like a 'woman'. is a woman. they live as a woman, they date as a woman, they think as a woman does.
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HenroidMexican kicked from Immigration ThreadCentrism is Racism :3Registered Userregular
I really get the impression that lots of people think of trans as like a pair of glasses you dropped in the toilet. No matter how you clean and clean, you will always think you smell something, and will dread putting them on, forever.
This is one of the worst analogies ever, what the fuck.
Posts
Not even close to a parallel. But honestly, I hate implants - what's the point?
EDIT: The point of implants, rather, not the association drawn.
You don't know you can't have children until you get tested or/and try. You know you're transgendered, and are therefore purposefully with-holding information.
I doubt all that many.
If that's what they decided was important for them (and here we go on a derailment about how society chose it for them), so be it.
Aside from a difference in feel (or so I'm told) I can't really see an issue with that at face value.
It's a significantly smaller "lie" than "I was born with/without a penis/vagina, and now I don't/do have one."
Edit: I'd also venture that the number of partners who would find their altered physique a massive turnon would outnumber those turned on by SRS by several orders of magnitude. I'm aware that individuals with such inclinations are out there, but they can't possibly be in the same numbers as all the guys who've bought their wives/girlfriends/mistresses a new 'rack'.
Casual dating is easier to hypothesize about. :P
I'm tempted to point out the obvious--"Well, the question could work in the reverse..."--but that's not going to be doing anyone any favors.
Especially given the ditch that needs filling.
Rigorous Scholarship
I honestly don't see how the violence angle is relevant; if you're worried about potential partners becoming violent when they find out you're trans, it would seem prudent to figure out what their attitude is about the subject as soon as possible, rather than waiting until the relationship is more serious and emotion is more involved.
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
yeah, they can hope to get someone nice, but a MtF friend of mine told me some horror stories involving internet dating and she mostly (98%) was contacted by weirdos. i am not talking like a man who likes feet goes for a girl with cute toes here either. she told me it felt dehumanizing.
Wait, is trans pre or post op?
Letting someone know what sex/gender you are is a necessary disclosure and a sign of respect for ones sexuality. Letting someone know that you were once something else is random unless you're comparing biographies.
I hate myself for not being able to sum up the point I'm trying to reach like others are able to. But yeah, that's what I was going for.
I guess that, were I transgendered, I would attempt to get to know potential "interests" in a broader social setting before settling on one to date. Because really, I'd want to know how receptive they would be before making that leap.
Yeah, the whole premise that it's wrong not to give a potential mate a complete run-down of all possible deal breakers is weird. I don't need to tell some girl at a party that oh by the way I'm an atheist, and oh my dick is ... 150,000 inches, and I talk too much and I've got a sense of humor that might not match hers...
Admittedly, being a transgendered person is something that's probably a more frequent deal breaker but it's not wrong to bring it up a little later than the first meeting/date just because the other person may not like it.
Not everyone is comfortable discussing medical procedures they've had with someone they might not know very well on the first date.
Ultimately, what this boils down to is what is best, not what is fair. It may be unfair that being transgender is a serious problem in a relationship, it may be unfair (in fact, it probably is unfair) that I'm not interested in a relationship with someone who is transgender and many other people share my viewpoint.
But at the end of the day, it is what it is, and the earlier in a relationship you have this discussion with your SO, the more open and honest you can be with each other and the more likely they will be to accept or deny you in an earnest fashion, instead of feeling used or lied to.
Many people, for valid reasons or not, have issues with sexual relationships with transgender people. There's nothing wrong with trying to educate or inform the world to change that bias, or hoping it fades over time (or as medicine improves), but if you care about your SO you're obligated to inform them of significant relationship issues.
That's it, ultimately. You have an obligation to be upfront and honest with your romantic partner. The sooner you are, the better.
Are we talking like, a 'hook-up-at-a-bar' kind of encounter here? I would expect this person to lean over to me at some point fairly soon in the conversation and let me know what the score was. Not like, invite me home, get half naked, and let me find out on my own.
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
Can't we all just agree on this? Seriously.
Rigorous Scholarship
I actually have a great friend who's gentle as a sleeping puppy who likes to use the pick-up line "I have a 10 inch cock" at parties.
He always gets laid.
lulz?
Which is why it's important to disclose it before the relationship becomes serious and they get to know you better.
Post op It's really more on the transgendered person if they wanna tell (although a MtF post-op might wanna explain this BEFORE the subject of kids comes up.) though my response is a (much more mild) "You really should.
I'm pretty sure that's par for the course for any woman using internet dating services, if its any consolation
Clearly every woman that's had ovarian cancer should tell anyone they're dating immediately.
You know, honestly? You guys who are all "Man I would punch him in the face if he didn't introduce himself with 'HI I AM ANNETTE AND I USED TO HAVE A DICK!' because like ew, man, penis cooties" are probably pretty safe. I doubt any transgendered folks will be ever asking you out. Or, you know, anybody put off by ridiculous amounts of penis-phobia. I know if I was a tranny*, I would probably only try to date people who seemed to not be prone to such violence.
*Is "tranny" considered offensive? "Transgendered person" is just obnoxiously long to type out.
My stance is this. Be fucking open about it right from the start. If you think the person is going to judge you harshly for it, then what makes you think that it will be any better once they fall for you? Do you want to emotionally trap them so that they are conflicted about something they don't want to be a part of?
Furthermore, if you suspect the person IS going to flip out so you don't want to tell them, they are not worth your time. Do not try to change somebody; that is relationship poison. If they are against TG people for any reason (lack of kids, inside-out penises freak them out, etc), then they are going to be the same way when you break the news to them.
Yes, it sucks that you were born into an era where finding someone accepting of your choice/genetic makeup isn't as easy as it is for non-TG people... but the internet is a marvelous thing, and there are entire communities of people out there who share your worldview who would be more than willing to seek romance with you, not even despite your choice or because of it... but because they just don't let it define you like others will.
Let's play Mario Kart or something...
Come on Quid, this isn't the same as "hey, how did you get that scar near the other moles on your back?" or "you ever had an abortion?". It's something that could more than definitely effect the relationship. Although, the abortion thing could for some people, but they're idiots.
Unless you're Jewish.
I don't think I understand how a trans person who identifies as a woman is lying by being a woman when she goes on dates with men. I mean, not telling him you're trans isn't lying. You aren't being dishonest about who you are by not telling him. It doesn't matter what your sex was or is--you're still a woman.
Trans people aren't being deceitful about their gender or sex. It seems to me like a lot of people assume trans individuals are secret, tricksy gays trying to fool us into their disgusting sex traps.
With the progress that's been made on SRS surgery for MTFs, you would most likely still not find out on your own once the clothes came off, if she were post-op.
"Hi, I'm Ed, and I had a polyp removed from the inside of my ass last year. Wanna go out?"
So people who freak out at someone for not immediately telling them they had an abortion are idiots.
People who freak out at someone for not immediately telling them they're transgendered are totally justified.
it is EXTREMELY hard to know how someone will react. People who you think are going to be completely cool with it freak out. People who have been known to make transphobic and homophobic comments and what not sometimes turn out to be great friends and allies. So really, you cant tell if its going to be a deal breaker until you actually utter the words and let the person mull it over.
I actually realize now that I misread belruel's post as "I have" versus "I was born with."
Post-op I think is sort of a different issue, but I also think it's something that should be mentioned before intimacy happens.
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
Like a lot of people have said, pre-op versus post-op makes all the difference in the world. Post-op? If I can't tell, I probably don't really need to know (unless it's serious, in which case that's a huge part of someone's life that should be discussed). Pre-op? I'm expecting a vagina and I find a dick. Big difference there. I don't want to be in that situation.
This is one of the worst analogies ever, what the fuck.