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How to Ask Someone Out
TwoQuestions
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Now here's a conundrum. How in the hell are you supposed to ask someone out? Observe by hypothetical conversation with Mary, a hypothetical woman. Observe how I hypothetically get rejected:
Me: Hey Mary, *begin small talk*.
Mary: *small talk reply*.
me: You wanna go out with me to the mall sometime?
Mary: *obviously false excuse why not*
me: Ok, see you later.
What the hell am I doing wrong here? I'm fairly charming, I make eye contact, I'm not ugly, I just don't get it! Is there some subtlety I'm missing? Am I being too blunt? Due to on-again off-again depression I missed that whole high school learning phase of dating, so I'm trying to figure this stuff out before I graduate college. Anybody got any idea?
Me: Hey Mary, *begin small talk*.
Mary: *small talk reply*.
me: You wanna go out with me to the mall sometime?
Mary: *obviously false excuse why not*
me: Ok, see you later.
What the hell am I doing wrong here? I'm fairly charming, I make eye contact, I'm not ugly, I just don't get it! Is there some subtlety I'm missing? Am I being too blunt? Due to on-again off-again depression I missed that whole high school learning phase of dating, so I'm trying to figure this stuff out before I graduate college. Anybody got any idea?
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2. Slow down there tiger. You're going right for the kill. No faster way to scare someone off.
3. Don't make it sound so forced. Find something you have in common. Talk about it. Is there something going on soon that involves that? "Oh, hey. That movie you wanted to see is playing at blah blah blah. You want to go check it out this weekend?". Unless there are OBVIOUS sparks, don't ask someone out the first time you meet them.
We're not in junior high.
Find some common ground or interest and play on that.
Your formulation is not horrible, but you are assuming most of all that she's actually into you at all.
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
There's a lot more to it than if a girl is interested, some girls have rules and shit, like make a guy ask a couple times. I was friends with one girl who was getting hit on by this dude while working, so just for fun she told him she'd give him her number 1 digit at a time, 1 digit a week. I can't remember if he went for all the digits. She was interested in the guy, just felt like making him work for it.
That way = ZERO rejection woooo
It's also kinda pussy but whatever it's better than feeling stupid all the time.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
If it's someone you see all the time, you don't need to dive right in. Let a little getting-to-know-you build.
If it's someone you just met and don't reasonably expect to see again unless on purpose, just do they old "Hey, can I call you some time?"
So, how how does one know if they're playing hard to get rather than a simple rejection? That playing hard to get thing always confused me.
If she's playing hard to get, I suspect it is not worth it. Women who play mindgames before you date continue to play mindgames after dating becomes official. Ditto for dudes.
edit: i would also suggest coming up with something other than 'the mall' unless it's the west edmonton mall or something that has more than stores. lunch as suggested above or coffee. not a movie because there is a huge time commitment and you get 0 chance for conversation.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Yeah, if someone tried that on me, fuck it.
This isn't highschool. I'm not wasting my time playing stupid games to keep someone entertained.
When in doubt, forget them.
You'll find varying opinions but personally, any cunt who wants to try and game me and play "hard to get" can go fuck themselves, I've got better things to do.
If they say no, it means no, until proven otherwise.
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
You know you don't have to meet at the theater and then immediately part ways after. You can incorporate things before and after. Trust me. I've done it dozens of times. It works out fine.
With her it was all about the guy having the confidence to continue asking. Girls don't dig dudes because they're hot... Scratch that, girls don't find handsome dudes to be necessarily hot. They find confidence hot. Looks just don't hurt.
Mind games are somewhat necessary. Girls get hit on and asked out frequently, playing hard to get is just a way to weed out the guys that aren't dedicated. If a guy can say 'fuck it, there's plenty of fish in the sea' after 1 rejection, you're obviously nothing special to him. I would say that after 2 or maybe 3 outright rejections you should stop though.
She'd also be acting a bit flirty probably. So if she's playing with her hair and laughing at your lame jokes be persistant. If she's staring at her shoes and checking her watch move on.
i have found that it is not the best thing but i'm glad it worked out for you.
my last 3 gfs I just invited over after some booze and a group activity or date. You might try interacting with them mmore before you ask. Are there women that like you thy you don't feel the same way about? If no, then you may be doing something to turn them off that you don't realize. Honest self assessment is key - 90% of people think they're above average. So if you can ID things that impede your progress, it's a start
If she's playing hard to get, she can find some other guy who will totally play her games.
If she's rejecting you, then move on.
Either way, just move on. Because seriously, if she's actually actively sabotaging a relationship before it even happens to play your stupid games then what would an actual relationship be like?
I usually try to ask people out from class, or people I've known for a while and suddenly think "She's pretty cool, I wonder if she wants to go out sometime or something?" I generally don't ask people out that I haven't talked to for more than 3 hours total.
I'll ask around and try to figure out things that may be holding me back, or things that turn people off that I don't realize.
I mean
If you are, it's normally not actually that awkward of a conversation.
"Yes" followed by never talking to you again mean she's a bitch and you didn't want her anyway, and yes, they do that.
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
It's not something you "make clear". Both parties will "know" if it's a date or not.
It doesn't make her a bitch. By asking someone on a date you cross a line. Some people aren't comfortable with that line being crossed.
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
Yeah, and? If they like you, that's all it should take. It's not hard to ask someone to dinner.
This sounds fabulous, and I might have to start trying this. I'm in a somewhat similar situation where I just got out of a 2 year relationship, and spent the past 4 months getting over it but I'm getting anxious to get out there and meet some more girls. Problem is I feel like I've been out of the game for so long, but that's great advice and reminds me of what I did when I first started going to college. I'm a senior now, we'll see if I've still got it.
PSN: rlinkmanl
"Hey what are you doing later? Because we should definitely go grab some [coffee]"
Substitute whatever the hell you want in there
Then if that event goes well and you decide shes genuinely interesting,
"How about we [insert event] on [insert date]"
It is not hard at all to ask someone out. The problem most men have is fear of rejection.
Who the hell cares if you get rejected. If you stand around just waiting for something to happen you'll miss out on like, 90% of your opportunities.
Uh-oh I accidentally deleted my signature. Uh-oh!!
Her: OMG I have similar thoughts and interests lol
You: Hey, do you want to grab dinner Friday night?
I'm going to echo adytum's advice. Sounds like you are already in the friend zone before you ask them out. You pretty much friend zone yourself by having contact for more than three hours without asking them out. You have to do it early in meeting someone, yeah you may end up on dates with girls you don't really care for, but that's why you weed them out after one date.
That said, dating your friends only really "works" if they're actually your friend. At that point it becomes a sort of "We get along, we like hanging out -- why don't we try a relationship" thing. If you're trying to get with people who you only know from class, have talked to for a certain number of hours about but don't really know much about, well yeah you're probably going to get shot down. Not so much because they think you're uggo, but because they probably value their time more than potentially wasting it. You could be asking them to a party or hanging out with friends and unless they really feel a connection, they're not going to do it. Because you're at this point just a friendly classmate.
Asking someone "blind" as mentioned above is generally a better way to get to know someone, of course, because you're upfront and confident. You still have to present a compelling "date," though. Something close by, low commitment, and fast. Look, my wife and I go to the mall all the time, and plenty of high school kids go to the mall for dates, but most people go to the mall to buy things. What would you buy or do? Plus, I doubt the mall you have in mind is close to the school, so you'd have to drive there, and you can see how this is starting to be a rather big time commitment with no real purpose stated.
Movie dates are typically bad because you can't really talk during the movie, and if you don't know the person you're likely to not settle on a movie you both like. Things like movies, malls, and such, work great if you're in high school because you live with your parents and aren't old enough to do anything. When you're in college you can pretty much do anything -- so offer something straightforward and simple. You don't need to hide from your parents and you don't need to do anything complex or elaborate.
Ask the person out to lunch or to get a coffee. You can be up front and you don't need to present it as a date. No one likes rejection, and you probably want to find a girl who's relatively easy-going, not one who makes you get one digit of her number each time you ask her out. So you should start with something simple like "Hey, we've been talking after class for a while -- do you want to get coffee or something?" Or "You know, I've got some downtime today around lunch -- do you want to get something together?"
There's nothing wrong with a casual shopping date or a walk. Or a homecooked meal. Or meeting for a drink as long as you don't seem like you're just trying to get her drunk.
Hell, the current girl I'm dating we just hung out and watched some shows the first night.
but what will i do with these contracts pertaining to the amount of enjoyment guaranteed for a fully paid meal?
That and you can't get up and fucking run should you need to.
The last thing you want to do is to wait for your check to arrive after you find out that the woman you like has an obsession with destroying her ex and his new girlfriend.
If you can cook, that's a great (private) second date.
2 points: This is coming from someone that barely dated in college (I was too busy working and living at home..). I never lived in college dorms and I have no idea what the regular college experience is like. The sum of my dating experience has come from post-college traveling and being in the professional world. And secondly, this is all coming from someone that used to have the hardest time with women, and securing dates.
Of course now I have the opposite problem which is both awesome and awful at the same time.
stop thinking of them as dates!
they are things that you are doing with a new person to get to know them better
if it turns into a relationship or not, who cares - you want to get to know this person
find a common interest and attach yourself to it for your first excursion as friends
maybe she likes history -- ask if she wants to go to a museum because there's a really neat exhibit on _____. ask if she wants to go to a book signing, or an airshow. maybe she seems stressed out and you want to take her for a coffee to talk about what's bothering her, or just to relax.
but yeah, what others have said -- dinner is cool, or going somewhere where you can talk. don't do the "lets go see a mvoie so we cant talk for 2 hours" thing. i mean yeah it gives you something to talk about afterwards, but wouldn't you rather see how you hit it off with no excuses?
:winky: