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How to give a friend some bad news
GR_Zombie
Krillin ItRegistered User regular
Krillin ItRegistered User regular
Arighty, here's the situation. I have a friend called Jeff, we've been friends since grade school, and a friend called Rachel, who I've known since middle school. Jeff has been infatuated with Rachel since the middle of junior high (we're all 22 now) but she has made it clear at every opportunity that she is not interested in him. Ever since this years PAX, Rachel and I have gotten very close, and we've decided to get together.
We also agreed that we should tell Jeff. I'm not very experienced with this kind of thing, so I need some advice on the best way to break this to him. Jeff has a colossal ego, and he's convinced that if he ever really tried to get with Rachel, she wouldn't be able to resist. Rachel thinks he's kind of creepy and has told me about some of the weirder things he's done because of his "love" for her. My friends and I are convinced that Jeff has several deep-seeded emotional issues, and we're not sure how well he's going to react.
You guys are always helpful, so how should I go about this H/A?
We also agreed that we should tell Jeff. I'm not very experienced with this kind of thing, so I need some advice on the best way to break this to him. Jeff has a colossal ego, and he's convinced that if he ever really tried to get with Rachel, she wouldn't be able to resist. Rachel thinks he's kind of creepy and has told me about some of the weirder things he's done because of his "love" for her. My friends and I are convinced that Jeff has several deep-seeded emotional issues, and we're not sure how well he's going to react.
You guys are always helpful, so how should I go about this H/A?
GR_Zombie on
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I really don't know that you're going to get through this easily. Be up front, don't make it about him (she's going out with you because she likes you, not because she dislikes him) don't let him make it about him (he'll do it anyways) bring a friend, and be prepared to lose a friend.
yea, do this. Don't make a big deal out of it. He'll sulk privately (hopefully).
Assuming he's a friend worth keeping his response will be "No that's cool." or at least "I'm happy for you guys!" in a half-sincere tone.
Assuming he's a prick his response will probably tell you to fuck off, in which case you'd probably better leverage your friendship with him.
I find out a month or so later that she had started seeing one of my good friends on the side (speaks volumes about her integrity) and between the two of them they decided they were going to hide the whole thing from me "to keep from upsetting me".
needless to say the spineless and lack of moral fiber was more disgusting than the act it's self.
I've cut all ties with the guy friend, and the chick I rarely if ever talk to anymore either (there is a whole nother story there, but that's for another thread).
at any rate what I'm trying to say here, is if you intend to still be buddies with your guy friend here, definitely do tell him, just be straight forward about, a "hey Racheal and I are a thing now, sorry bud I know you were interested" should be good enough.
DO NOT attempt to have a long talk about each others feelings
DO NOT make excuses
DO NOT say anything about how she was not interested in him anyways
you might think any of the NOTs above are valid conversation pieces, and they may be, but it doesn't matter, the point here is that you want to convey the information that she's off the market and that he needs to respect that you won, without rubbing it in his face at all.
Also, send him a singing telegram about it. He's gonna be pissed anyway, may as well get some enjoyment out of it.
I was going to say, "Just send him the pictures of you guys screwing" but I like yours better.
Seriously, though, just call him up and say, "Yeah, I needed to tell you that Rachel and I started going out. I know how you feel about her, so I thought I should tell you before you find out the hard way. Alright see you later man."
Try not to draw it out any longer than that. And for fucks sake, don't get into why she doesn't like him.
If anything, think of it as a favor to him - the longer he obsesses after a girl with no interest in him the less time he has to find ladies who might actually like him.
Just tell him. If he's a d-bag about it, like I was, he's not worth being friends with.
Sounds like you're doing the guy the favor.
Well fast forward to first weekend of October, and he breaks up with his girlfriend (who for the entire time of these two people hanging out, was making it very clear how unhappy she was). And then tells me straight up that he made out with my ex after a party and they wanted to see each other.
It was a major blow to me, as I was not entirely over this girl, never quite certain if I made the right decision, and basically kind of a mess over it. And he decided to date her. I haven't spoken to him in 4 weeks. It's the longest I've gone without talking to him. And frankly, it still hurts a little. But I'm in no rush to get back in contact with him right now. For now, the friendship is over. Whether or not it resurfaces in the next while is anyone's guess.
So you have that to consider. You may very well lose a friend. Or he could be fine with it, I dunno. Just know from my experience that he may well not be okay with it.
But you see, this is a more reasonable reaction, because there was an actual relationship between you guys, where as this dude can't take a flippin' hint ten years straight.
just do what my guy did 'hey, i'm dating ____' with a shit eating grin. this isn't bad news, it is good news for you, and if he can't accept that then he obviously isn't a good friend.
edit- also, don't make a big deal out of it likes others have said, but go even farther. not even a 'heads up, i know you liked her, but' just be happy and telling your friend you have found a girl you like. it isn't about him.
double edit- also, keep in mind that he probably will be spiteful even if he gets over it, guys that cling to the 'idea' of a girl like this often do that kind of thing. the other guy in my situation was known to go around even years later saying how there was no way my relationship with carson was going to last. (though it does make me chuckle because he is the one who hasn't been able to hold his stuff together, and carson and i are going on 6 years now). keep him out of what is between you and your lady.
The guy will have to get over this, it's true. If he holds the grudge forever, then I guess you can laugh if you want to and say "hey, that guy's a baby who doesn't know when he isn't wanted." Okay, I guess.
But let's be real. Have you ever liked someone? Even someone who maybe doesn't return the feelings? How did you feel when someone said "You should just get over it, it's obvious it's never going to happen." Did you shut your feelings off on a dime? If so, congratulations on being a robot.
Not that you shouldn't date this girl because he has an unrequited crush, but have a heart. Have some goddamn feelings. He may not react well to the news, and it may take some time. If he doesn't grin at you, hi-5, and go "Grats, man, you win!!", it's got nothing to do with his being a bad friend. He's human, and he has these feelings, and you say you've been friends for a long time. Regardless of whether or not his feelings were ever returned, they were and are very real to him. If you can't give him a few weeks to settle into the idea, it says more about you than it does about him. And even if it's been going on for a long time, it hasn't, until now, involved his friend dating this girl.
Be nonchalant when you tell him, but also make sure that he knows that you'll understand if he needs some time to adjust, and that you'll still be there for him whenever he can deal with it. Your friendship isn't over because of this, and he might need that reassurance. He may need some distance for a little while to get over things for real. That's okay, just give it to him and let him know you'll be there and waiting afterward.
That, and chances are, you could take him to disneyland right before telling him and he'd still think you were hitler.
I didn't mean Ceres' post, I meant the one above it when I made this.
Because when I was typing this, Ceres' post wasn't there. She's got good advice that isn't patronizing.