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Having a kid, gotchas?
Rhino
TheRhinLOLRegistered User regular
TheRhinLOLRegistered User regular
We're thinking about having a kid. What gotchas, pitfalls and unexpected things should we be aware of?
I work full time, my spouse is planning to stay at home as a full time parent. We also have a close relative close by in case we need a baby sitter (we don't go out much any way).
In terms of health, we've both been eating right, neither of us smoke. We drink a little, but can easily go a year or so without. No medications, etc.
How long does breast feeding last? When do you ween them from that?
Financially we should be in a good place once we're ready to have the kid. We have a "baby fund" setup for any unexpected expenses that come up in addition to normal savings, etc.
We're thinking about getting started next June/July. My theory on this is that the baby would be born in the cool spring months and would be easier to take around (doctors, checks up, etc) in the spring/summer then in the winter. Plus, getting stuck in the winter snow while she was giving birth would be a pain. In the spring/summer the roads should be clear and easy to get to the hospital.
Anything else we should watch for or plan for?
Anyone have kids? What was the biggest unexpected surprise?
I work full time, my spouse is planning to stay at home as a full time parent. We also have a close relative close by in case we need a baby sitter (we don't go out much any way).
In terms of health, we've both been eating right, neither of us smoke. We drink a little, but can easily go a year or so without. No medications, etc.
How long does breast feeding last? When do you ween them from that?
Financially we should be in a good place once we're ready to have the kid. We have a "baby fund" setup for any unexpected expenses that come up in addition to normal savings, etc.
We're thinking about getting started next June/July. My theory on this is that the baby would be born in the cool spring months and would be easier to take around (doctors, checks up, etc) in the spring/summer then in the winter. Plus, getting stuck in the winter snow while she was giving birth would be a pain. In the spring/summer the roads should be clear and easy to get to the hospital.
Anything else we should watch for or plan for?
Anyone have kids? What was the biggest unexpected surprise?
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ok, I'll google that now. I was under the impression that it was irreversible, regardless of how early you catch it? Or do you mean just so parents can deal with it better?
edit: also is there anytype of generally screening that is done? Can we just take a new born in and tell the doctor to "test for everything"?
The earlier you start working at it, the better it will be. For example, I am one of the better adjusted aspies out there because I've gotten help for as long as I can remember, although I'm not sure how I was diagnosed, as I apparently made all my deadlines.
As I said, you'll get false alarms. My neighbor's kid was stuck at ten words or so for a couple months after his deadline for twenty words or something. Now he seems to be catching up with his deadlines and the other kids, so it was just a simple delay. The parents still found a doctor they trusted and followed his advice (it mainly involved ways to get the info he needed), and I believe they're still seeing him. I know all this because they're family friends and have been getting advice from my mom, who also has experience with my brother, who is a lower functioning autistic.
On that note, try to get friends. Experienced parents are a great asset, and parents of the same age are just nice to hang out with. One of the better things about the family I'm telling you about is that they live in a two-family home with a couple with a girl just six months younger than their son. Adorable. On the older side, my mom actually takes care of their son on the weekday the daycare is closed, as they can't get out of work and she works from home. I help when he's around, and he loves me. As of this summer (before I left for this semester), she's actually noticed that he's still oddly independent for his age, generally going around lining up my brother's Thomas trains (when he's not grabbing stuff and trying to get us to do something), which is the kind of antisocial, obsessive behavior associated with the spectrum (you may have seen an extreme example on that episode of Scrubs where Cox's friend visits), although word is that he's been getting more social at daycare, where one exceptionally cute example is that he's decided that one little girl was his doll, glomping on to her while chanting her name (I'd previously noticed that he, as a toddler, seemed very fond of babies, so it may be that).
As you can tell, I will have my shit together when I settle down. Still hoping for a girl, though (as I said, aspie w/ autistic brother).
Anything else I can think of in the way of advice is reactive in nature, with the exception of obvious stuff like not spanking and checking how dog breeds do with kids (a lot of parents seem to like the idea of a practice child who would later double as a companion for the child. Bearded Collies are ideal as long as you have some sort of background with dogs [they'll put up with anything without doing more than trotting off and hiding behind someone they trust, and seem to know that kids are too fragile to be 'bouncing beardies' around, but they mature much slower than other breeds, so that puppy disobedience is a problem, and the twin facts of them having no appetites {seriously, my dog won't eat dry food w/o cheese} and them being smart enough to know you'll love them no matter what makes then a bit of a hassle to train])
Edit: Here's one: when around dogs, keep an eye on the leashes. It's cute when they get tangled up or are caught running on the wrong side of a signpost. It's not so cute when they go bursting off and clothesline a toddler in the neck. Let me tell you, it's a VERY good thing they bounce.
They're loud and you can't understand them. Like little cab drivers.
The number one rule is find a good pediatrician. Someone you feel comfortable ask questions to and one who does not rush you through the visit.
Next make sure you get your child their shots. I know that you will find a lot of people saying that they cause this and that condition but it has never been proven in any rigorous study. By getting your child their shots you protect them and those around you.
Relax about the milestones; your child will reach them when they reach them. Your doctor will tell you if they are too far behind. My first was talking a one, the second around 14 months (both girls), the third around 2yrs, the fourth is 18 months and has a few words.
As far as breastfeeding goes let do it until they want to stop. If your wife does not like it then at least do it until they are one. Some societies do it until the child is six.
We stopped ours at 3. (They only did it at this age at night before bed) Again this will depend on how comfortable your wife is with the breast feeding.
Find time for your wife to have alone time, if she is a stay at home mom. Also, do not feel resentment if she gives you the child as soon as you get home. The first month or so will be really hard on her and she will need at break.
Bring her flowers. Do not comment on the weight gain after the baby is born.
Get a good light stroller. Sams club has good cheap diapers. If she pumps get one of these http://www.breastpumps.com/Medela_Pump_in_Style_Advanced_Backpack_p/57060b.htm it is the bee knees of breat pumps.
Have anymore questions just ask.
That's right, I said it.
Not when Sam's Club is within walking distance and the Costco is a 20 minute drive.
See how many books I've read so far in 2010
That's kind of pitfall #1, although it is pretty situation-dependant. Staying home to bond with the infant for the first while is important (but, for you as well as for mum; you really should consider taking some leave yourself if you can), and having one parent with a much more flexible schedule is pretty much essential for dealing with all those little time-critical catastrophes that go with early-childhood parenting, but doing no paid work at all for years is a very significant risk for any parent. Being out of the workforce for more than a few months affects your ability to get back in again a whole lot, and it has a massive impact on things superannuation/retirement funds and eligibility for health cover, social security etc.
I know it seems like you're way too young to worry about stuff like that, but people live a long way past retirement nowadays and you really can't start planning too early. There's a growing epidemic of elderly poor who underplanned for retirement, particularly widowed women.
Your lady doesn't need to struggle to hold down a fulltime job or anything (who needs that kind of stress), but keeping her hand in part time at wherever she works, or shifting careers to something less time-demanding, or even just being involved in volunteer work is, realistically, a much more sensible idea than dropping out of the workforce altogether. And leaving aside the money stuff I've been talking about, many people find being at home alone with an infant day in and day out to be very unfulfilling - there's even a growing line of thought that the isolation contributes to post-partum depression. Work/volunteering gives the primary carer parent some social time with other adults, and a chance to take a break.
:^:
Most people wean by six months, some earlier, but this isn't decided scientifically at all - it has far more to do with stupid cultural squickiness about using boobs for non-sexual purposes. The WHO's recommendation is, I believe, 12 months, but some people do it right up to toddler years. There's really nothing wrong with doing it that long, but some people will be judgemental assholes about it. But they'll be like that with every single parental decision you make no matter what, so at some point you have to just stop giving a crap :P
Bear in mind that not everyone can breastfeed successfully. If it doesn't work out, don't beat yourself up. Its the best option for health (and cheapness, heh) but formula isn't a bad alternative. You may come across a lot of stuff on the internet that's really critical of formula, but its not the stuff itself that's the problem - its the way companies like Nestle market it aggressively to women in developing countries who really can't afford it. They tell a lot of lies about breastfeeding to encourage uneducated women to buy their product instead.
Very sensible :^:
As is this, but don't expect conception to necessarily go like clockwork :P
Also, maybe consider a non-hospital birth, provided of course that the pregnancy is low risk, there's no family history of complications in childbirth, and you can access alternative professionals (midwife, doula) for a reasonable cost. Hospital births tend to involve a higher degree of artificial interference that may not always be necessary - C-section rates in particular are stupidly high. Educate yourselves on the procedures commonly used in childbirth (painkilling methods, c-section, episiotomy etc) and make sure that the staff know not to carry out any procedures you don't want. You may have to run interference for your wife if things go a little awry; she probably won't be in any frame of mind to argue with doctors during labour.
Read the paperwork, too, a lot of US hospitals will bundle in things like circumcision consent forms with all the other stuff. Know what you're signing.
There was a great little aside in a Slate article I read the other day, where the male author said that the prenatal classes he went to with his wife were 90% about the labour (ie stuff you'll need to know for maybe one day) and 10% about infant care (ie stuff you need to know for years). So learn how to hold, bathe, change, and swaddle first, all that fancy breathing stuff really isn't as important :P
Lime isn't lime enough. On the general tip, take it easy, don't be too rough on yourself.
any good books or sources of info on this? I'd like to get some cold hard facts from both sides. I've only read about it briefly in passing.
ok thanks. Years ago I read that breast feed was related to higher iq and longer life span. I guess I'll research this more.
What society does it till six years of age?
And there really isn't two sides to the vaccination debate; the anti's are fucking nuts and don't know science. Vaccination woo is so incredibly damaging, but basically the only reason it gets traction is because vaccination programs have been so successful that almost no-one has ever seen someone die from polio or whooping cough. They don't realise how horrific and how common that used to be.
thanks. Yea, I get like 4 weeks off for paternity leave (or whatever they call it), plus vacation and personal days.
She doesn't have a career, nor much ambitions for one. She was laid off awhile ago and just worked out better for both of us for her staying home. Right now she's under my health care and the plan is that my retirement will fund us both (I've been maxing 401K and IRA every year, plus get a pension and SS). I have a high life insurance policy in case I get hit by a bus.
Yea, she gets "bored" now. We've talk about this a lot. I work 8+ hours a day, all her friends are either far away or busy with their own work and lives. She found church club she really likes; but there is at least an 8 hour "dead period" every weekday were she has nothing to do but sit around the house. I tried to get her to volunteer but she couldn't find nothing she liked. Also, she doesn't drive and public transportation is limited around here, so makes it more difficult. She has hobbies, but doesn't pursue them much.... or at least, not enough to fill all her days, plus they don't substitute well for the need to socialize. She gets kind of depressed at times by not having much to do. I've been encouraging her, but having really found much. We both thought a part time job would be good, but she couldn't find nothing.
In terms of infant care, she is really maternal (is that the word?). We both think she'll like it a lot (she has a baby cousin and loves him to death). But think you are right, she needs something else. I'd get depressed sitting around 8 hours a day. We just don't know what yet.
Yea, we're going to try it for health and bonding reasons. Eventually she's just stop producing milk... or does it just keep "flowing" until you ween the baby off it?
It's our first, so we'd probably be more comfortable in a hospital in case something goes wrong. I'll google "mid wife" and see what that is about.
Also just googled episiotomy ... ouch.
I've read about this. I haven't really read a good argument FOR circumcision? Is there one or is it all for religious purposes? We're not that religious and don't think that's going to be enough to compel us..
Yea, I don't know none of that. Thankfully my spouse has a huge family, so they have been giving her pointers and lots of practice. We're also planning on getting a book.
Breathing stuff?
also, what's the deal with the head? Some people say that you need to support or "omg, it's head will snap it's neck" and overly dramatic about it, but other people are carrying their kids around like sack of flours with their heads going back and forth so much that they look like bobble heads.
note to self: we should probably also take one of those baby CPR courses or whatever they are called.
Yea, I was thinking about that. Is there an "all in on vaccine" or do they sit there and stick the kid with 150 different needles (or whatever they have). I'll see if google has a list. Can you "pick and choice" which ones you want?
I'd probably want to "research" them before hand. By "research", I mean type it into google and see if there are any peer-reviewed studies on it. All of them have to go though FDA, so not terrible worried.
Also isn't the kid really vulnerable right after birth ? is that when they do it, or do they give it a week or two to recover? Do they spread them out?
Being uncircumcised slightly increases your chance of random infections (alleviated by cleaning) and slightly increases the rate of transmission of HIV. I can't see those as being compelling reasons to chop off the tip of your foreskin.
Yeah, it can be tough to find things to do
Its pretty much demand-based in most cases - stop feeding suddenly and it'll be really uncomfortable, but then production halts. Better to slowly decrease frequency of feeds. And learn about mastitis
Seriously. Giving birth lying down in a bed causes all kinds of problems; its only encouraged because it makes things easier for those looking on.
well, there really isn't one. Some boys will need one later on, but only some. Just teach them to clean themselves properly and they'll be fine.
There's a few techniques taught about breathing in a specific way during labour, mostly to keep from tensing up too much.
The neck is pretty weak for most of early infancy, you do need to take care. Aside from the risk of injury, can you imagine how uncomfortable floppy-head must be?
Good idea. Tangentially related, you can teach youngish babies to sign (like deaf people) before they learn to talk. Apparently it cuts down on a lot of tantrums, I know El Jeffe in D&D at least has experience with that.
Books are good, someone already mentioned 'what to expect when you're expecting'. I'd also recommend 'Our bodies, ourselves' for general women's health. There's a pregnancy-specific version, too.
Vaccines are done at set intervals; I think the earliest is at 3 months, but don't quote me. Some are batched, others are alone. That goes on right through high school, I got the MMR (measles-mumps-rubella) one at 15, for instance (a shot) together with the polio booster (a really nasty tasting medicine).
Is your wife up to date on her MMR shots? That's the important one, because having measles when pregnant can cause birth defects.
The only one they do immediately is Hepatitis B. Your baby has antibodies passively transferred by getting blood from their mother for several months. Vaccines have no effect right away because those antibodies will destroy the vaccine the same way they attack actual pathogens. Some vaccines can be combined, others can't.
Breastfeeding is contraceptive as long as your wife is feeding every 2 or 3 hours. The good and bad news is that doesn't last very long. She won't be able to use an estrogen containing BC, but you do need to use something because getting pregnant 3 or 4 months after giving birth is bad for the mother and both babies. You can use condoms, progesterone only pills or IUD.
Even if they focus on labor, take one (or several) childbirth classes specifically to meet other pregnant women. Having some sort of mother's group can help keep your wife sane (and less bored). Also learning to drive will make pediatricians appointments much easier (and there are a ton in the first 6 months).
This thread should read, "Having a kid, what the fuck books do I buy?". I don't have any personal recommendations, but I think that'll be a lot more helpful than random tips.
The Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. Or something like that. An absolute doorstopper, but way more informative than the "What to Expect" books, which aren't bad but don't have a lot of detail on pretty much anything and devote way too much space to offering alternative views that aren't really based on anything but popular wisdom. The Mayo Clinic book, on the other hand, pretty much bases everything on current medical information.
That's a highly personal decision. I've heard "6 months" tossed around as a minimum, but if she has problems breast feeding then obviously you'd be transitioning to formula earlier then that. We're at 16 months or so and he's only partially weaned (no breast feeding after he's gone to sleep for the night, and attempting to stop using breastfeeding as pacification); our motivation to weaning him is to get him more independent and not a nutritional concern, he's getting the majority of his calories from people food. We were told to start getting him used to the bottle by week 3 or 4 so he doesn't reject it later.
As long as she breastfeeds she'll continue producing milk, it's all self-regulating. If she goes a long time between feedings it may build up painfully and she'll have to express the milk and dump (or store).
How fucking fast they grow and develop. And how much they are aware of what's going on around them and how quickly they pick stuff up eventhough they can't talk (one day I just asked him "where's your nose?" and he touched his nose, or another day when showing him his animal book I asked "where's the turtle?" and he pointed it out, I've no idea how he figured that out as I wasn't "teaching" him anything). And buttons on electrical devices, they fucking love pushing buttons (power switches, dials, keyboards, surge strips, etc.), and pulling out cords.
The only real pre-natal testing I recall was measuring the nueral tube thickness around 20 weeks (I think) which is associated with mental development issues; she needs to be on folate/folic acid supplements. A lot more testing was done to the pregnant mother (regular bloodwork, glucose test, wieght and BP).
You need to support the head until their neck muscles are strong enough to support it un-aided. I can't remember how long it took (2-3 months?), when he/she can sit up and turn their head about you can probably stop taking extraordinary care to support the head.
Can't completely recall, I think vitamin K and some eyedrops were administered right after delivery. The vaccines didn't start until at least the 3rd or 4th checkup. You and your pediatrician can work on scheduling if you think they are being administered too often/close together; for example he said as long as he's not sharing needles and associating with loose women, Hep B exposure is unlikely, so we put that off for awhile, and we'll likely move up the MMR as we plan on travelling before he hits the normal scheduled date. I think right after delivery they're actually tougher then you'd think due to immunity conferred by the mother.
Stuffs:
I like this book, as it's very scientifical and as such appeals to my need for an authority on issues I don't understand. My wife liked this book, both for the tone it sets and I think cause it deals with some women things that aren't addressed in other works (like "why the fuck do I need to get off like 20 times a day?"). And something like the Dr. Sears books are good to have when you just need some techniques to deal with a problem ("my baby is crying, how to I help him go back to sleep?"). Note, most any book will show some bias towards certain child-rearing philosophies, that doesn't mean there isn't good stuff in it though.
If you at all plan on needing daycare-type services before he/she is about 3, plan early, and get on waitlists for your favorites as soon as you can. The time between birth and 2.5/3 years can be hard to source experienced help as pre-school often starts around 3 at the earliest (some places you can get him/her in as soon as he/she is potty-trained), and if your wife needs to start working quick for whatever reason you may be hard-pressed to find a solution with which you're happy. We're spending about $800/month on partial daycare and we lucked out that a spot openned up for us at the provider we preferred, though pricing and availability are highly dependent upon your area.
Get a few backups for babysitting. Date nights are a welcome respite, you don't realize how much you'd like to go out to a movie until you can't.
Don't be surprised if it takes her longer to bring a baby to term then you first expect. It took us about 2.5 years of "trying."
For your wife, pretty much everybody has some sort of artistic ambition, typically literary. Find out what it is and sign her up for some classes.
Does anybody know what the general consensus on child socialization is? I've heard that dogs can be very aggressive if not exposed to other dogs from a young age, is there anything like that for children? At what age will the child benefit more from spending time with other children than spending that time with parents?
On books, make sure you read them yourself before reading to the kid. My grandmother bought my/my mom a book with a title like "roll over, rover" because she knew how much I liked books about dogs. Ends up it was a book to help children deal with lost pets, with such lines as "Roll over, Rover. But Rover won't roll over. Why won't Rover roll over." It's a good thing my mom caught it.
Something From Nothing is a good book, though.
Look into doing perineal massage toward the end of the pregnancy. That reduces the chance of episiotomy being needed as well as lessed the risk/exentent of tearing naturally. Both tearing and being cut can lead to incontinense (including anal) or vulvodynia.
Get your wife driving too. Aside from giving her more opportunities to find something to do (she may discover she loves hiking or something that requires her to be out of the house) she will most likely need to pick up things on short notice for the kid or at the least take him to doctors appointments. God forbid there's an emergency and she has no way to get to the hospital or wherever.
Man fuck that. Kid meets a girl that pops his pants off and says, "What the fuck?" kid says, "You don't have to look at it, just put it in your mouth!." By the time he gets that far he'll probably have been hard so long the sweater will have slid halfway down his knees anyways.
Er... that kind of went to a weird place. Seriously though, "'cause everyone else does it" is no reason to chop off a perfectly good bit of a penis. Especially since all evidence shows that it's a particularly pleasurable bit.
Just don't worry about causing the baby pain, their nerves are still developing and it didn't seem to bother our son at all. Also, the extra care you have to give to it is only for a week or so, maybe 10 days, and it wasn't anything worth worrying about. Just put some vaseline and gauze on during diaper changes. The cord stump gave me more worries.
Just to nitpick, Autism isn't something you catch. It's genetic. Your kid could get it regardless of vaccination or not. (Case in point, by sister-in-law's brother, who's medium-functioning autistic, and has never had a shot in his life)
Speaking of, for the love of all things holy, Get your kid vaccinated.
The Pipe Vault|Twitter|Steam|Backloggery|3DS:1332-7703-1083
Just to nitpick, "... how early you catch it?" meant how early the parents realize their child is autistic.
With the number of people out there who honestly think vaccinations cause autism, you can never be sure.
The Pipe Vault|Twitter|Steam|Backloggery|3DS:1332-7703-1083
sorry, I should of used "diagnosed" or "detected" instead of "catch"
well, if you had your liver removed you'd be a lot less likely to get liver cancer
Seconding the folate recommendation. A multivitamin designed for pregnant/trying women will contain it.
Gotchas..well, sleep. We have two at once, so I am a bit biased on a lot of this advice.
Look for pediatricians - we looked for one that did not switch off patients. We will only be seeing her for the children unless she is out of town, or refers us. Figure out if you are truly committed to breastfeeding - note this does not mean against bottle feeding, it is perfectly reasonable to put breast milk in a bottle. Figure out NOW if the things you like to do in life are compatible with having a child. You do not want to get caught in the emotional stress of realising how much you need to change *after* birth. Be prepared to not conceive for up to a year, or more. You didn't list your ages in the OP.
I could go on and on, but I am tired - HA!
As for the most unexpected...I am not really sure. It was all unexpected. It will spin your shit around, for sure.
Take all advice on parenting and what to expect with a grain of salt. It is different for everyone.
If you have other more specific questions feel free to ask.
Keep in mind 'trying' for the baby can vary too. You might want to have the baby in the spring or summer and it might take awhile to get pregnant. Or you might get preggers immediatly. When we decided on our first my dr told me to expect it to take a year or more because of the many years I was on birth control pills. We stopped the pills and 1 month later i was pregnant! Then the second time we were told soemtimes it's harder the second time to get pregnant and it can take 6 months, a year or longer. Again I stopped the pills and 2 months later prego! (Although honestly I think it was because the first month we just didn't get much 'alone time'. That happens when you already have a child! We could only 'try' when she was sound asleep pr at grandma's so making kid #2 took a little longer.
Anyway don't sweat too much of the small stuff. things work out. My biggest advice is don't change your life around the baby. Instead integrate the baby into your current life. That was the best advice we ever received from friends who made the mistakes of changing everything to revolve around the baby instead of just adding the baby into heir lives and routines.
Kids are a gift and so much fun. Just enjoy it!
Just follow the doctor's advice and do everything you're supposed to, with regards to vaccines.
Biggest surprise? How badly you will get raped in court if she decides she doesn't like you anymore, files for divorce, and doesn't feel like being a nice person about it. A divorce without kids is merely potentially financially devestating. With kids? If she decides to be an asshole about it...well, it's one of the few things in life that will make you seriously consider suicide. I'm not being hyperbolic.
Don't do it.
There aren't cool hard facts from both sides. One side has cool hard facts and the other side has hysteria and misinformation.