Question regarding drive, "THAT" kind...

Exar34Exar34 Registered User regular
edited November 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
Ok, let me preface this with the facts that:

-I have a great job, good pay, and like it.
-In shape, not ripped, but not a fatass either.
-In a generally happy mood most of the time.
-Socially capable, not life of the party, but not the opposite either.

So, the deal is this:

I am 25, turned it this year (and not age is not the issue either) and have a girlfriend at the tiem as well. The topic has to do with her and me, myself mostly. She is quite attractive and I am quite attracted to her, we share in many of our hobbies such as cooking, gaming, and working out even. We have been together close to a year now and this problem has been around the whole time, infact it existed before she and I met. The problem involves are sex life. Before you say anything, no, we do have a sex life so it is not the lack there of that is the problem. The problem also has nothing to do with "getting it up" either, it's more "wanting it up" to use a similar analogy.

I have had this issue for what I can imagine is my entire life til this point since I have had it with previous girlfriends as well. I simply do not desire sexual interactions with her. I am attracted to her in every aspect as I stated earlier, and I am able to "get it up" (more so a reaction then anything) but I do not have the "hunger" for sex that most men around my age seen to have. We do have sex 2-3 times weekly, sometimes more, but that is more for her wanting it then myself. We have tried a couple things to change it up, such things as you'd imagine (oral, anal, and others), but to no avail.

I just do not understand my lack of a sex drive, or rather, a sexual desire. I have never really found myself "wanting" sex, not now, and not when I was younger. I cannot think of why, so I came here to see if anybody may have experienced this, may know about this, or anything that may be of help. I would like to fix this if I could, it just doesn't seem right to not "want" sex at all, or have no desire for it. Maybe it's just how I am wired, but I just feel odd when other men around me have the desire and I am lacking it, so at the very least I would like to know why this "problem" is present.

Thank you in advance for your help and understanding.

I am going to be totally honest with you, I am a liar.
Exar34 on


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    admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Different people have different levels of sex drive. It's possible you're just on the lower end. However, I do have some questions. What I'm interpreting is that you have no mental drive to have sex -- seeing your girlfriend strike a sexy pose in a skimpy outfit doesn't trigger a mental urge to jump her bones, even if it makes your dick go *sproing*. My question is do you enjoy sex? Does the bit at the end still feel good? Do you enjoy the physical intimacy? Do you enjoy seeing the look on your girlfriend's face, or the noises she makes?

    This is a bit prying, I know, but I'm wondering if there's a shift in perspective you could make that would get you to enjoy it more. Alternately, I don't want to say there may be something "wrong" with you, but there may be something that's malleable.

    admanb on
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    matt has a problemmatt has a problem Points to 'off' Points to 'on'Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Asexuality isn't exactly a rare thing honestly, it's estimated that around 1% of people identify as asexual, either as not being sexually attracted, not having a sex drive, or both.


    There's nothing "wrong" with you, it's a sexual (non)preference just like any other.

    matt has a problem on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited November 2009
    If your current sex life is already exceeding your sex drive, then I'd imagine you're not going to be wanting more sex. It's rare for a couple to be completely compatible, and usually one person has to either settle for less sex or offer to have sex more than they're personally interested.

    The fact that you do have sex, and appear to find it enjoyable while you're actually having sex, makes me think that your current sex life is more than enough for you so you're not feeling much reason to have more.

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
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    Exar34Exar34 Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Eggytoast- I do not think that is the case, seeing as I have no drive to have sex at all, not even the amount I have already, it is like a lack of interest almost. Just no desire to have it at all.

    Admanb- As far as enjoying sex, I can't really say either way. I don't enjoy it, but I don't not enjoy it. I feel it as a physical sensation, but that's all. It feels more like when you touch a part of you when it is numbed with general anesthesia but coming around. You know, feeling the pressure but not feeling what should be pain, ticklish, and such. The look on her face and the noises she makes I gain happiness from because that means that she is enjoying it which of course I enjoy. I feel the sensation of sex and sexual acts, but nothing trips in me. I feel it, but feel no desire to proceed doing it. I feel the effects during it such as deep breathing, increased breathing rate and heart rate, and all of those things, but no desire to keep it going. A good analogy is when you touch the palm of your right hand with a finger from your left.

    mattas- Really? I had not heard of being asexual. I mean, I have heard of what it is and know what it means, but didn't know that humans were capable of being categorized as such.

    Thank you for the help, and for any help yet to be given.

    Exar34 on
    I am going to be totally honest with you, I am a liar.
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    ThundyrkatzThundyrkatz Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    is this a new development, did you previously feel the desire to have sex and it has just faded? If you go for a while without it, say a week or so do you begin to get excited? Also, do you ever feel the urge toward other people? Or is it more of a constant state of disinterest?

    What I am trying to determine is if you just have a low sex drive or if you have no sex drive, also if you previously had a sex drive, like when you were a randy teenager and it is now gone. there may be more to it.

    I used to have a similar problem with my wife, my drive was much lower then hers and it was a constant source of stress for me as i tried to keep her happy and keep up. I know, tough problem to have right? :P Seriously though it was the worst problem in our relationship. For me, it was a vicious circle, the more she wanted it the less i wanted it. it culminated one night when the little soldier would not stand at attention. It was almost the end of our relationship. Why?, because she equated my lack of drive as an indication that i did not like her or find her attractive, which could not be further from the truth.

    In the end, we discussed it, and were able to agree on the frequency which took the stress off for me and made things much better and we both ended up happier.

    Thundyrkatz on
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    Sir CarcassSir Carcass I have been shown the end of my world Round Rock, TXRegistered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Do you masturbate? Stop.

    And try going a week or 2 without sex and see if you have some drive then.

    Sir Carcass on
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    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    A good analogy is when you touch the palm of your right hand with a finger from your left.

    Sex isn't supposed to feel like that.

    Zombiemambo on
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    PracticalProblemSolverPracticalProblemSolver Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Exar34 wrote: »
    I feel it as a physical sensation, but that's all.

    I'm certainly no expert but this sounds like something you should see a medical professional about if you want to change it.

    PracticalProblemSolver on
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    desperaterobotsdesperaterobots perth, ausRegistered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Do you get off during sex? All the time? Do you actively fantasise during sex, or are you so focused on your partners responses that you don't get in to your own nasty place? :P Is there anything sexual you do really enjoy? Even if it's solo/toys/whatever?

    It might not all be on you, is what I'm saying. She might need to be turning it up a few notches. Just a possibility?

    desperaterobots on
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    mullymully Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    There's nothing wrong with being asexual, but you might want to see a therapist, to talk about it. Learn about it, and (if you're comfortable with it), take your girlfriend with you.

    Have you told your girlfriend about this? You say you've tried a couple of different things with her - was this planned between the two of you as a way to try and "fix" you, or were these things initiated on your own as a test for yourself?

    Don't feel too bad, I've met quite a few (okay, 2) folks like yourself - one dude I know is now, hm, 28 I think, finds women extremely attractive, but has no desire for sex at all and so he hasn't started a relationship with anyone in his life because of that. I would consider you as having the upper-hand here, since it apparently hasn't affected your ability to have a relationship.

    As long as you don't mind satiating your girlfriend, initiate it on your own sometimes, you let her know that you find her attractive and that you enjoy her reactions to the act and thus take something out of the experience, I'd say you're doing alright.

    Good luck dude.

    mully on
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