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At what point do I go from Boyfriend to Sucker? UPDATE on page 3
Forkes
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I have been dating this chick for about a month and a half now. As far as I know, everything is going ok. We get along, we like the same things, everything is peachy. But this girl is kind of a flake.
I like her, and from what I have heard from her, she likes me.
But I haven't seen her since last Weds, and I haven't talked to her since Friday. She doesn't answer her phone, and she appears to not be home. (I stopped by after work last night, which is usually how we end up seeing each other.)
She has been sick lately (not swine flu, but she has been feeling pretty rough), so I can understand not wanting to hang out of whatever, but, I mean c'mon, she has facebook and some IMing stuff, would it be that hard to just say "hey" on one of those?
I guess what I am wondering is, how long do I wait around? How long is it still within a reasonable realm of boyfriend and not getting into being a sucker? I usually end up in relationships with mildly crazy chicks, and I usually end up being the guy who gets walked on and still sticks around. I am really trying to not let that happen in this situation, I'm far too old for that shit.
I like her, and from what I have heard from her, she likes me.
But I haven't seen her since last Weds, and I haven't talked to her since Friday. She doesn't answer her phone, and she appears to not be home. (I stopped by after work last night, which is usually how we end up seeing each other.)
She has been sick lately (not swine flu, but she has been feeling pretty rough), so I can understand not wanting to hang out of whatever, but, I mean c'mon, she has facebook and some IMing stuff, would it be that hard to just say "hey" on one of those?
I guess what I am wondering is, how long do I wait around? How long is it still within a reasonable realm of boyfriend and not getting into being a sucker? I usually end up in relationships with mildly crazy chicks, and I usually end up being the guy who gets walked on and still sticks around. I am really trying to not let that happen in this situation, I'm far too old for that shit.
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As for her reasons for doing so, well, you said yourself she's kind of flaky. Sounds like this girl just isn't right for you. I know I wouldn't put up with that shit, me and my girlfriend talk almost every day at least through IMs or some form of contact.
Edit: In answer to your question, I wouldn't even be waiting around for this girl. She obviously doesn't care enough for you to give you the time of day even though you've been dating for a month and a half. Her loss, go find someone else.
Dont mean to put a downer on things, but its been a month n maybe she jus isnt that into it (could be wrong, i dnt know). If she isnt its a bit of a shitty way of going about it though
This is probably the best idea, though I'd suggest calling her, rather than texting, and saying something more like "Give me a call some time and we'll hang out." The call suggests intimacy more than a text will, and especially a text of something like "Are you ignoring me?" will sound even more demanding and hostile than a simple invitation will.
The idea is, with this you place the ball in her court. Either she calls back and you hang out, or she dosen't and you don't. Don't worry too much about it, and certainly don't spam call her. Just let her know you are interested and go about doing whatever it was you did before you guys started hanging out. If she dosen't call back in a reasonable amount of time, move on.
On another level, did you consider her flaky before this event? If so, was flaky the word you would have used? That's a pretty negative word for a subject of your affections, which might signify something else that was a problem with your relationship and possibly what caused you to drift apart a bit. Think about what you would be doing if you were in her shoes. Would you call her back? How would your last few calls have seemed?
In regards to your question: About a week. My last girlfriend wanted to break up, and instead of actually telling me she decided just not answering any of my calls or getting in contact with me in any way would be a great way to do it.
That was just one experience and things may obviously be different for you, but consider the fact that you've told us she has IM clients and other things. It's not hard to get in touch with someone these days, no matter how sick or busy you are. There's a reason you're not hearing from her.
"You spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum?!"
"Welcome to the Caribbean."
I think you might be overreacting in general, people do sometimes go offline for days at a time. Some people sometimes seem flaky but at the same time the people they're with can sometimes be overbearingly clingy.
When you catch up with her, ask straight up if you seem clingy.
Without saying anything? I'm not saying she owes OP anything, but taking off on a vacation without at least a simple heads-up would be kind of a jerk move on her part. At the very least it would be a pretty strong signal that she doesn't see the relationship as serious in the least, in which case maybe her and OP are not on the same page in terms of what stage this relationship is at.
It's been less than a week since you last saw her, and less than 4 days since you last talked to her.
Chill. Give it at least 14 days since you last talked to her, especially if she is not feeling well.
If you have to contact her, try a basic "Hey, thinking of you, how are you feeling?" e-mail, but spare her the "OMG We haven't talked in days way are you avoiding meeeeeeeeeee!" nonsense.
Move on.
You don't go two weeks with out talking to someone you are really in a relationship.
Sounds like you're putting most of the work in the relationship, which means she is either as flaky as you say she is, or not as serious as you are. So ask yourself if it's worth it, because even if everything turns out fine in this occasion, I'm sure it'll happen again.
I say if she hasn't responded in 2 weeks total (to compensate for say...a relative dying out of the country) then move on.
Sounds like you want more than her.
Communication is key!!
This seems like the best route to me. One call, casual, friendly, and dropping the ball in her court. If you don't hear from her by this Friday, take that as a sign. Don't call again, just move on, and consider it a lesson learned.
If it turns out that there is something dire going on in her life now, and she gets in touch with you two weeks from now, no loss there either. You'll know she wasn't ignoring you, and you'll come off as the non-pushy, non-clingy guy that's going to give her her own space.
LFT
Call more than that and you risk sounding accusatory/clingy even if you are just worried. Then if something did come up you look like a prick.
One nice call showing your interest and leave it at that. Go have a J. Arthur and move along.
Flaky, to me anyways, isn't that negative of a word.
We have defined the relationship. The last time we talked about it, it WAS a relationship. As far as I know, we have been having good times, and both seemed to want the same thing.
Which is? To be exclusive/serious?
If that's the case then I dunno, something happened or she's blowing you off.
Either way put the ball in her court and wait it out. All you really can do.
Don't do the desperate thing though, as much as you will want to. Play it cool and wait it out. There is usually a logical explanation for this stuff I've found.
Perhaps it's time to address what it is about you that turns them off? I mean, for starters few of them like being called "chicks" by anyone who's not a 50's greaser.
Perhaps your missing some signals or cues they are sending out? How many times had you guys gone out before deciding to make it exclusive?
The fact that I call women "chicks" on the internet, in my mind, has nothing to do with this. The reference was that the last relationship I was in, the girl literally told me one night that she was really into me, and the next day told me it wasn't working.
We spent about three weeks together before calling it exclusive. All I know is, the last time we talked, via facebook, she said that she missed me, cause it had been awhile since we had seen each other.
Other than the friendly voicemail message, there's nothing you can or should do. Also, women can be shrewd sometimes. I've had women tell me they miss me or even love me and I'm like "whoooo" until I find out they tell it to EVERY OTHER GUY THEY KNOW.
Kinda takes the blood out of the penis.
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She got sick, and you're being a selfish drama queen. After three weeks of being told that she can't talk to you because she's washing her hair, you're a sucker. After 3-4 days of her being sick and not wanting to jump on the phone, and all you can think is that she's somehow trying to make a fool out of you? You're just kind of a dick.
Did you message her asking how she's feeling? Did you think of her well-being at all? Just because whatever she has won't kill her doesn't mean she feels like sunshine and rainbows. Stop being so insecure; it is terribly unattractive in a human being.
Yes, actually, I did message her about how she was feeling. We were supposed to hang out on Sunday. I made soup for her.
Not once did I think she was trying to make a fool out of me, nor do I think I am being a dick. She has blown off two days of us making plans, I am just wondering what the deal is.
So, stop being such a douche; it is terribly unattractive in a human being.
Dude, she's got a point. You're being insecure about this and it's true, insecurity is unattractive.
Besides, if she was sick and now she's disappeared, maybe she's gone to the hospital or something. Have you tried calling around? I knew a guy who was otherwise healthy, but ended up getting pneumonia. He should've been relatively ok to just rest up and take antibiotics or something but it got bad and he ended up having to go to emergency and got admitted for a few days.
Seriously? what the fuck guys? shut up.
To the OP, 4 days, I wouldn't worry. Just let her contact you. The ball is really in her court.
You said she's on Facebook - does she have any family members listed? You could ask one of them where she is and whether she's okay if you're getting concerned.
You don't need to get all bent out of shape because someone's advice doesn't jive with what you think is ideal in the world.
Ceres had a good point and Forkes seemed like he was gonna ignore it because the way she said it was offensive. We don't always want to hear the truth so bluntly, but sometimes it's necessary. Feel free to disagree though, this is all based on personal experiences rather than facts.
edit: Unless you're actually 15, in which case you can ask her when you see her in school later.
Guys, I think we all have to get to the main point here...
...there was soup involved
Anyone who would ignore your above mentioned soup does not deserve you
I've been where you are before, even including the people who went from "Lets move in together" one evening to suddenly avoiding all conversation the next day with no explanation at all. Stupid shit like that happens.
As for where you are now, you've left the ball in her court, just relax and do your own thing now... trust me, repeated follow ups do NOT go over well. Even if she is seriously ill.... it doesn't matter, you've left messages for her so you can wait till her or her family contacts you. If that happens don't be a douche and be all, "WHERE WERE YOU, WHY DIDN'T YOU CONTACT ME!" she is just a girlfriend, bad form maybe but it's not like she was your fiance or wife.
If she never contacts you again just move along gracefully. I'd say at the 2 week mark you can safely write her off, but you can feel free to tack on more time at the end before trying for another relationship on the off chance she had something major go down to explain the silence.
Pretty much this. It's been 4 days and she's sick. Stop bugging her. Just because it's not swine flu doesn't mean that she isn't pretty sick. I know that I've had colds that left me in bed for a week and the last thing I thought about was talking to people or getting on my computer.
You don't have to be clingy to think this is not weird. If your SO stopped talking to you and did not make any attempt to contact you in 4 days, I would say something is up.
Of course, there could be a huge family crisis or she is in the hospital for being sick. A text message takes 2 seconds.
Ultimately, you have to decide what you want. I probably wouldn't be secure in a committed, exclusive relationship if my partner thought it was cool to drop off the grid for a week without talking to me. (But again, my girlfriend and I work differently.) Forget the reasoning behind why she hasn't gotten back to you: decide for yourself if you're going to be okay with this as you two move forward.