New look Hainted Holler to critique

haintedhainted Registered User
edited November 2009 in Artist's Corner
I was here a few months ago getting critiques for my webcomic.I'm back with an improved look for another round.
4b5abdd8a2483aa571ecb7bf4f5330d0.jpg
oh and the image I'm referencing is here
http://hainted.deviantart.com/art/Dragon-Age-Symbol-144147268

hainted on

Posts

  • CrowlestonCrowleston Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    I dunno, that doesn't really feel like a joke. The way he's looking at the audience in the last panel kind of feels like, "HUhh HUHHH!!! GET IT?! VAGINA. VAGINA IS THE JOKE" Apart from that I'd take a look at some anatomy books because your characters lack a lot of pretty much everything. Their faces change from panel to panel, his shoulders are all over theplace, In the first panel his arms look like they could reach the floor, then they are only falling to his crotch and HOLY CRAP, whats the deal with the bulge in his pants? Personally I wear a tighter jean, but I always make sure theres enough room for the goods. No one needs pants that tight.

    Your background is bland, There can at least be something going on, a picture a window, a color...

    Why not an attempt to put something on the box art?

    I like that you attempted to letter the comic, but it just doesn't work. The letters don't need to be that large and it's obvious that you didn't plan for the words and the panels. Your speech bubbles have awful form.

    Also line weight. You have this one thin stroke going around everyone, it keeps it really flat and uninteresting.

    Sorry this is in ramble mode I'm kinda just writing what I see.

    EDIT: I just looked through your old thread and I'm curious as to what you've done differently for this new look.

    Crowleston on
    useless but necessary objects of society.
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    i feel like the joke could be funny, if arranged better
    like maybe show the girl looking at the case, see a shot of the back of the case with your rendition of the dragon thing and then have her commenting on the fact that it looks like a vagina

    the set up is just sort of ...eh, it's like one of those jokes you'd tell your friend as you're lookng at the box "hey ted, this dragon totally looks like a vadge" and then you'd laugh about it or whatever.
    in this form it just feels so forced
    and having to actively go to your deviantart page to find the root of the joke is really just too much work for a 4 panel strip.

    beavotron on
  • WassermeloneWassermelone Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    The joke is a reference to an obscure logo on the back of a strategy guide. I think about 3 people will get the joke without further explanation via the link. Theres a saying about jokes that I'm going to mangle; "Jokes are a lot like frogs in a science class. Neither of them survive dissection."

    If you have to explain your joke, your joke has failed.

    Wassermelone on
  • MagicToasterMagicToaster JapanRegistered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Sometimes I feel like people take the easy way out of a joke, at least your set upe feels that way; it's very straight forward It would have been better if you would have used the Dragon Age illustration as a chart at a gynecologist's office.

    MagicToaster on
  • WassermeloneWassermelone Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Sometimes I feel like people take the easy way out of a joke, at least your set upe feels that way; it's very straight forward It would have been better if you would have used the Dragon Age illustration as a chart at a gynecologist's office.

    Yeah the setup for the joke in the OP is very Marmaduke.

    Wassermelone on
  • AnalrapistAnalrapist Registered User
    edited November 2009
    Panel 1 : Guy -"Hey Annie, check it out I bought Dragon Age Orgions"
    Panel 2: Annie- "Oh cool let me see!" *flips to back of cover*
    Panel 3: Annie- "So, winged Vaginas eh?"
    Panel 4: Guy - "Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to slay it or lay it."

    Even then, the joke would only pertain to people who've seen the cover of the game really.

    Also, the box for the game looks like a book in the drawings. Jus' sayin

    Analrapist on
    CheeseSticks15.png
  • CrowlestonCrowleston Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    This is such an obscure joke though, I would just stay away from making it better and drop the idea. A quick Google search only showed me another forum where you posted the same above picture. No one cares about this. If you are going to make a comic/joke/whatever about an observation it needs to be something people will understand immediately.

    Crowleston on
    useless but necessary objects of society.
  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Inside a cluster b personalityRegistered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Sometimes I feel like people take the easy way out of a joke, at least your set upe feels that way; it's very straight forward It would have been better if you would have used the Dragon Age illustration as a chart at a gynecologist's office.

    Yeah the setup for the joke in the OP is very Marmaduke.

    the smarmy-ness of the punchline reminds me of the political cartoons in the Onion.

    Metalbourne on
  • AnalrapistAnalrapist Registered User
    edited November 2009
    Sometimes I feel like people take the easy way out of a joke, at least your set upe feels that way; it's very straight forward It would have been better if you would have used the Dragon Age illustration as a chart at a gynecologist's office.

    Yeah the setup for the joke in the OP is very Marmaduke.

    the smarmy-ness of the punchline reminds me of the political cartoons in the Onion.

    Oh man those comics make me laugh. My friend and I used to write/draw similar comics after we read a whole whack of New Yorker comics and realized how fucking lame they were. We wanted to match that lameness, but with more boners in the strip.

    Analrapist on
    CheeseSticks15.png
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Analrapist wrote: »
    Panel 1 : Guy -"Hey Annie, check it out I bought Dragon Age Orgions"
    Panel 2: Annie- "Oh cool let me see!" *flips to back of cover*
    Panel 3: Annie- "So, winged Vaginas eh?"
    Panel 4: Guy - "Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to slay it or lay it."

    Even then, the joke would only pertain to people who've seen the cover of the game really.

    Also, the box for the game looks like a book in the drawings. Jus' sayin

    this one made me smile

    beavotron on
  • LoomdunLoomdun Registered User
    edited November 2009
    I wish a anal rapist would give me advice many moons ago

    Loomdun on
    splat
  • AnalrapistAnalrapist Registered User
    edited November 2009
    Loomdun : some advise.

    $3.00 hookers , you get what you pay for and it lasts forever.

    Analrapist on
    CheeseSticks15.png
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Loomdun wrote: »
    I wish a anal rapist would give me advice many moons ago

    hahahaha
    lately everything you say is gold.

    beavotron on
  • DeeLockDeeLock Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Is it weird that I still don't understand what he's saying?

    DeeLock on
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    naw, just roll with it
    it's all hilarious
    he's either being hilarious, helpful or semi-drunk
    our loveable loomdun

    beavotron on
  • haintedhainted Registered User
    edited November 2009
    Thanks guys.Now if any of you make it to Baltimore next Memorial Day be sure to stop by my table at the the convention.

    hainted on
  • .Tripwire..Tripwire. Firman Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Try to consider your joke's pacing and words as your strip's target demographic would. Video game references, vulgar humour, we all know who this is for. Yet the comic carries along with a contrived build up in empty circumstances reminiscent of newspaper funnies. These sorts of comics can work if you're shooting for that casual and wholesome crowd, but not with a vagina punchline. And as has been mentioned, simply observing that something looks like a vagina isn't surprising enough to make the strip worthwhile - not for the crass PA audience.

    Here's an attempt at fleshing out a more substantial joke relevant to the audience, based on your initial premise!

    fleshflight.gif
    Alt text would be: FLESH FLIGHT

    .Tripwire. on
    sigi_moe.pngsigi_deviantart.pngsigi_twitter.pngsigi_steam.pngsigi_tumblr.png
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    it's not very often that you get pros who will actually REMAKE your comic for you and turn it into SOLID GOLD

    (i love firman more than i love most things)

    beavotron on
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