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Operation sister rescue
Varian
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey guys. I need to get my sister out of the house. I left about five years ago, one to live with my dad and the next four have been enlisted in the US Air Force. Basically. My mom's house is an extremely unhealthy situation for her to be in. They're driving her insane and calling the police/sending her to mental clinics every time they drive her to hysterics, causing her to miss more and more school. She's eighteen and struggling to finish her senior year of high school, but my mother and maternal grandparents are caught in a loop of emotional abuse. They did the same thing to me, making me think I was absolutely crazy, making me depressed. Taught me no life skills, offered their "love" but only creating a cycle of dependency and offering no way out. Didn't help me plan for college, did none of that important mentoring shit. Doing the same god damn thing to my sister. I'm about to deploy to Afghanistan for six months so I can't go get her until next summer. Basically I can't even think I'm so mad right now, since she just called to tell me they did it to her again, sending her to a hospital and trying to medicate her. We're on the phone trying to figure out how to get her out safely and into a livable situation. I'm concerned about her school. I think she should just go for the GED at this point since they've been totally sabotaging her to the point of complete loss of autonomy or forward motion in life.
Okay.
First! Sis needs a new bank account. Mother has access and regularly changes her e-mail address and etc, she has all our information including SSN of course. When I was in Basic Training Mom opened several credit cards in my name and started racking up debt till I threatened her with jail time and she paid it off. Unfortunately my bank now is USAA and is military only I think. What bank should I tell her to use? Should offer free checking and no ATM fees, etc? She has about $2000 saved, at least it's something. I have considerably more resources if need arises.
Also she needs a destination. My dad/stepmom would probably help but I haven't talked to them yet, and their relationship with my sis has been damaged by the entire family divorce proceedings and subsequent civil war between my mother and her parents(Grandpa's a lawyer, god dammit) and my dad. But if they don't feel comfortable taking her at this point or if Sis doesn't want to go, where could I send her? Grah.
Sis needs to stay in school. Will community colleges accept her with a GED? Is this a bad idea so far? Essentially I need a rescue plan that is practical and has definitive steps to get her on the path to adulthood before I come back for her. Also will she need state residency to attend community college affordably? I want to get her out of Colorado, instantly.
Thanks guys.
Okay.
First! Sis needs a new bank account. Mother has access and regularly changes her e-mail address and etc, she has all our information including SSN of course. When I was in Basic Training Mom opened several credit cards in my name and started racking up debt till I threatened her with jail time and she paid it off. Unfortunately my bank now is USAA and is military only I think. What bank should I tell her to use? Should offer free checking and no ATM fees, etc? She has about $2000 saved, at least it's something. I have considerably more resources if need arises.
Also she needs a destination. My dad/stepmom would probably help but I haven't talked to them yet, and their relationship with my sis has been damaged by the entire family divorce proceedings and subsequent civil war between my mother and her parents(Grandpa's a lawyer, god dammit) and my dad. But if they don't feel comfortable taking her at this point or if Sis doesn't want to go, where could I send her? Grah.
Sis needs to stay in school. Will community colleges accept her with a GED? Is this a bad idea so far? Essentially I need a rescue plan that is practical and has definitive steps to get her on the path to adulthood before I come back for her. Also will she need state residency to attend community college affordably? I want to get her out of Colorado, instantly.
Thanks guys.
Varian on
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Does she have any friends she can stay with? It would probably be simpler if she could stay with some friends until schools out.
We probably are going to need a little more info in order to better inform you
Why don't you have her transfer her money into an account of yours until she can get out of the house. If your mother has access, and has defrauded you in the past, it seems likely she would try to take that two grand to put up one more hurdle in your sister's way.
I used to know a guy in the Air Force, and I guess they gave him some time off when he had a baby (and just tacked that time onto the end of his contract)? Have you spoken with anyone to see if you have any options concerning delaying your deployment by a month or so? This way you could get her set up either with your side of the family, or maybe at a cheap place on her own (you said you had money yourself). This would give you a month or so to smooth everything out, and if she ends up living on her own until you get back, it'll give you a month to give her a crash course on adult living.
Also, what is the cost of community college? I'll likely be paying.
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In connecticut a basic class is usually around $300 and 4 of those makes you a full-time student. Could be completely different for you, though.
I'm telling her to account for all of her personal documents. Personal ID, birth certificate. She has a learner's permit so far, I don't know what you have to do to get licenses. But I don't think I can afford to get her a car or if that's a good idea right now anyway. The point is just to get her on her feet.
We need to find out how much debt we're dealing with here and how to get rid of it. Mom's using this as one more way to trap my sister, she claims to be paying some amount of this off but I know it's lies. She only stopped when I threatened to put her away. My sister didn't know any better - mom/maternal grandparents keep us entirely sheltered and trapped.
Nope--you can't join USAA because your sibling is a member. Only children and spouses.
You need to call your dad right now and tell him that she needs out pronto.
Two, she needs all those personal documents safe and on her person.
Three, she needs to close all credit cards in her name. Afterwards she should lock down her credit by putting up a fraud notice which should shut down any attempts to open accounts with her SSN in the time being.
Then and only after she's out of the mom's house, she would tell your mom legal action will be coming if she doesn't pay off the credit cards. Do not do this while she is still there.
The fucked up part of this though is that the social security number is so damn powerful, and your mom is going to know it, so she's gonna have to watch her accounts like a fucking hawk to keep her away. Like you said, she tried to pull this on you while you were in basic, so she's more than likely going to do it to your sister.
The good thing about this is she is 18, so the mom can do jack shit to keep her from leaving the house.
re: bank account. Whereever she opens one, make sure she remembers to not list her mom anywhere as a contact on it, and to make sure there's a note to some effect that she wants a PIN required and to not allow anyone to change anything on it with just the SSN (just simply explain that you have a relative that you think will attempt to withdraw money from it and knows her SSN). In the meantime you could just put her money in your bank account or have your dad put it in his account. I may also suggest not even letting the mom know what bank she uses.
Are there any other relatives that could take her in while she gets on her feet at school?
Have her put fraud alerts in all of her credit bureaus...I'm not a huge fan of paying for tracking but in this case something like lifelock or whatever they're calling it now could be a lifesaver for her credit.
Personally, I use WellsFargo as my bank, I started my checking acct when I started college so I've never had bank fees/ATM fees whatever. Make sure whatever bank she uses understands that under no circumstances is anyone but her to access those funds. Let them know there is a relative that has her SSN and they are NOT authorized to access the acct. Again, password or PIN protect the accts. Again, do not let the mother know what bank is being used.
Honestly, if I were in her shoes and I could make a break from a household like that I don't think I'd even let anyone know where I was going, God forbid the mom find out and come after...
You said your mother has put her into mental hospitals and tried to have her medicated... how is she going about this? Your sister is 18 and unless she has signed over her medical decisions to her mother, mom shouldn't even have access to your sister's health in any way.
Then she needs to get out. Anywhere. The fact that your mom has so much power over her she can get your sister medicated against her will is pretty terrifying. Call your dad. Tell him everything, and don't hold back or sugar coat it. You're pretty much at life or death by this point.
A GED will get you into community college just fine. Community colleges are usually where you go to get your GED in the first place, they have the course materials and tend to be where you take the actual test. Price depends on where you're located, but a semester of community college will usually run between $400 and $1k or so.
Then your sister needs to get a lawyer. Even if your sister was forced to open the credit accounts, it's still her name and SSN on the paperwork, and her word against your mom's. You need to have a legally binding contract drawn up and signed by your mom stating the debt is hers and hers alone and she will be the sole person repaying it, and will be repaying it on time, otherwise you'll be pursuing charges against her for fraud and damage to your sister's credit.
If you're unable to do anything, would this really be worse than her current situation? Maybe you could have a talk with this guy?
She's still in school, so she doesn't need to go for a GED just yet, and would have plenty of time to re-do her senior year to get an actual diploma.
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My sister went and lived with one of her friends for her senior year of high school (for a different reason) and it worked out really well for her.
This. There's no shame in doing your senior year over, if you fucked up because of causes beyond your control. And, at least until she gets a college diploma, a high school degree will look a lot better on job apps than a GED.
Any other abuse happening may or may not be chargeable as well, but it sounds like you both have a fairly good paper trail on this specific charge at least. Consider it as an option. Filing charges could also set you both down the path of getting this cleared from your credit history: if they saw that the accounts were opened fraudulently and determined as such in a court of law, there could be precedent for removal of said accounts from your record(s). Identity theft is very serious, and your mother should be ashamed of herself for doing that to her own children.
To be frank, I work in staffing and most places I work with don't give a shit. They want a diploma/GED and make no preference between the two. They will pick someone because they interviewed better, seemed to be more interested/knowledgeable, had more experience, etc. They do not go 'Oh a GED, well that's just unacceptable we need someone with a high school diploma.' because they really aren't that different unless in high school you were up to your elbows in extracurricular and AP courses, and once you've been out of high school for a year or two no one gives a shit about most of those either.
Yeah, that's how the ideal world works. Unfortunately, she is much better off re-doing a year than getting a GED in a month
I think this would qualify.
What I'm getting at is if her GPA is poor due to her home situation, dropping out may be best academically. Have her study for that GED and ace it - really, it wasn't very difficult when I took it and I don't imagine it has changed very much. How do her SAT scores look?
If her GED & SAT scores are good, there's no reason she can't get into a good college( I was accepted into NYU, UConn, BU & Northeastern with my GED ). Obviously not ivy league, but it's a step above community college and can finally give her some freedom to learn how to do things on her own. Not to mention take some financial strain off yourself if she can pull off some loans for college.
Good luck, it sounds like a horrible situation that I truly hope you can help her escape from.
Also. She's already in her fifth year of high school and it's questionable as to whether she would graduate. One more way Mom/grandparents can strangle her, because she needs to "finish school". Which they obviously don't care all that much about.
I'll talk to Dad first, then look at the new SSN thing, then get her a new bank account tonight. I asked her to get me a transcript and progress report from a school academic counselor by Monday night so we can find out what's going on. Though if Community College is only that expensive fuck it, eh? *sigh*
As far as how they're putting her in mental institutions, she told me this last time that they started yelling at her and driving her crazy over some stupid shit. She literally told me that Grandma accused her of stealing the last fucking popsicle out of the freezer and sis got so mad that she hit and cracked a TV, and they called the police to take her away. Now I don't claim my sister's perfect and doesn't have some issues, but I too came out of that god-forsaken household and know firsthand how nuts they are. My mom's mental state is rapidly deteriorating - she was addicted to Vicodin for years before being placed in a program at a Methadone Clinic. She's vaguely conscious of what she's doing at any given time other than manipulating her daughter and buying useless shit with credit cards. It took me visiting my father after years of being nearly incommunicado for two weeks one summer, and then walking in the door, going down to my room to pack my shit, and walking up to tell Mom I was leaving to get out. She started crying and getting angry and wanted to know why I didn't ask her or involve her in the decision, and I was like because I don't give a shit what you want anymore, and that was it. Yayyyaararahghg
Where did we learn that she was dating him?
If she can't live with your dad or you can't find her a place of her own, what options do you have? You seem convinced that sending her to live with this friend is going to turn her into your mother, but you can't know that for sure. Your sister isn't your mom, she knows as well as you do what your mother is like, and from what you've told us, she seems likely to resist becoming your mother as much as possible.
We don't know this guy, you haven't told us anything beyond his age. He could be a total horndog and we'd understand why you want to keep your sister away from him. But you're cutting off one of your options based on a probably? Not everyone is like that. I'm not. I'm sure my friends aren't. You think that he'll try to take advantage of her, so you're not even considering it despite the severity of her current situation. Couldn't you just make sure she's paying him rent to avoid this sort of "you owe me" situation? At the very least, you could talk to him.
Finally, living with a friend will make her 'dependent' but living with your father won't? Really? We don't know your sister. You do. What goals does she have beyond getting out of her current situation? Why would living with someone put these goals on hold?
I'm not saying that her living with this guy is the best option. But if your father can't do anything and you can't find her a place of her own on such short notice, what else are you going to do?
There is a BIG difference between a vulnerable 18 year old girl being dependant on her father and being dependant on a much older guy offering her a place to stay. Even if this guy was a damn saint Varians concerns are still pretty legitimate, in his position I would be thinking the same thing.
Anyway I talked to Dad. He's going to look in to arranging a remote work situation for a while so he can be home for her for a period of time when we fly her down. He said he actually talked to his lawyer and looked into it and there may be something with the law in Colorado(or in general?) where even though she's 18 if she's still in school she belongs to my mother. So I guess we may have to get her out of school and have her write a letter of intent to leave, which we give to the court so as to avoid police showing up to take my Dad. Apparently my mom's father will call them for kidnapping or something if we don't do this first. I don't know, Dad has more experience in court with them and dealing with mom's dad.
Yeah, definitely this. That's jumping out of one fire directly into another, and the guy may swear up and down he has the best of intentions and all that jazz, but time and proximity tend to work the sex drive up after awhile, it's just human nature. And if OP is worried about his sister turning out like his mom, knocked up and playing the blame game for the rest of her life, moving in with a 28 year old dude is pretty fast track directly to that scenario.
I suspect you're living on base OP, but per chance do you live off base and she can just crash at your place while you're out on deployment? That way you have somebody watching your crap and keeping the place up while you're gone, and gets her out of what sounds like a horrible home situation.
What exactly does sis need to do to get to Dad's, legally, before she turns nineteen? By then it may be too late - my mom's father knows all the relevant laws I'm sure as he's fought my Dad in court for ten years now over custody and child support, and pushing her buttons till they can Baker Act her again seems like it's been working so far. But now I think she's ready to leave and will listen to me. So, what are the basic steps that we can do now to get custody to me Dad? The age of majority/emancipation in FL is only eighteen. Will merely having her run out the door with her bags and flying her to a state where the age is eighteen be enough?
*edit -No, my place of residence is a military dormitory in Japan. Would've been an easy solution though. XD
http://www.cdhs.state.co.us/index.htm
Or try contacting these people: http://www.namicolorado.org/
However I found Colorado Code 19-1-103, which states:
So you can either interpret this as since she's 18, she's already go to go, or the age of 18 is a legal donut hole.
Methinks since she'd automatically become a legal adult in most other states, as long as she leaves the state under her own power, mom can't do jack shit. Your dad would still have to continue paying child support (as that is a standing court order), but it'd be easier than trying to take her to court to stop the payments a year early. I had a full job and my dad was still paying child support on me when I was 19 (Nebraska).
I kind of fear your youngest sibling though.. people like this usually target the oldest child they can reach, so they'll probably just move onto him after she takes off and you're going to be doing this with him in a few years
If your dad could consult with a lawyer about this, it'd be great.
I think you really need to be talking to a lawyer at this point, if it's really going to be this muddy legally.