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Problems dealing with my parents (2 updates page 8)
nuka
What are circles?Registered User regular
What are circles?Registered User regular
I'm 22 years old. I can't decide if I'm being a selfish brat for wanting to leave the house to visit my boyfriend and for not just accepting the rules my parents make. Typing all of this up makes me feel as if I am still only 14 years old. This is literally the 4th time I've wrote up this post and hitting the submit button was not easy.
My parents don't trust me. I dunno what I did as a kid, but I've never had a social life and I certainly never had the chance to do anything so terrible for them to keep me from having one unless it's so bad I blocked it out of my memory. It's something I've been trying to deal with for my entire life. I wasn't able to go to sleepovers until after I graduated high school. I'm only allowed to visit people if I ask my parents for permission a few days to a week in advanced so that they can plan it out.
Talking to my parents about these problems I have with them is very difficult. They tease me a lot, they don't take things that I say seriously, they scold me for not listening to them and they just won't back down. It takes a long time and a lot of stress for me to work up the courage to ask and it gets harder each time they say no. They tell me I'm too irresponsible and that they can't trust me. My mother is afraid that I'll end up addicted to heroin on some street corner if I don't obey everything she tells me because her family is shit and she doesn't want me to end up like them. My friends are nerds, the most addictive thing they've run across are energy drinks and WoW.
My parents don't want me to have a social life until I earn up a get a new job, a good credit score, start making car payments and move out of the house. I lost my job in late October and I've been trying to get a new job and I've applied at a number of places but I'm still unemployed. I'm not in college but I can't afford to start taking classes and I don't think I could negotiate a dorm room situation with them. I really can't take this anymore. Before I started working and after I graduated high school I was very depressed. Before I was laid off, I was thrilled and excited because I had people to socialize with and something to do during the day. I'm really concerned that I'll just fall back to that state of ennui and misery that I was in if I can't find a new job soon.
My boyfriend and I are trying to plan a date soon. I'm still working up the courage to ask my parents and a few days have passed already, but I don't believe they'll say yes. They wouldn't let me go with him to a play, I can't go to his Christmas party but I guess it's ok if he drives for two hours to visit me? I haven't been able to see him since late October. It's a long distance relationship, and it's just yet one more reason my parents don't like me seeing him because they don't think it's going to work out.
I can understand my parents wanting to protect me, that's their job, but I feel like they're taking this too far. I'm 22 years old, I have friends who are younger than I am that already have families with multiple children. My parents treat me like a child still. I really don't know what to do. The plan so far is to just go ahead and leave anyways even if they say no but I've tried this already for something unrelated and it failed miserably, so I'm pretty scared that it's going to fail again. If I'm not acting like a spoiled brat then what on earth do I have to do to prove to my parents that its ok if I leave the house? I'm starting to half wonder if I should just join the military. (I'm not serious about enlisting at all.) There isn't anything horrible about my boyfriend, he doesn't deal in drugs and he's not a member of a gang and though we both go back and forth with spousal abuse jokes a lot I sincerely doubt he'd hurt me. Because though my parents don't trust me, they don't trust anyone else I know.
EDIT: I made a mistake in my posts in this thread. The date that I was talking about isn't until later than I said I would.
I get my dates confused and I got the weekends wrong, I'm sorry. It wasn't this weekend it's actually the weekend before Christmas.
My parents don't trust me. I dunno what I did as a kid, but I've never had a social life and I certainly never had the chance to do anything so terrible for them to keep me from having one unless it's so bad I blocked it out of my memory. It's something I've been trying to deal with for my entire life. I wasn't able to go to sleepovers until after I graduated high school. I'm only allowed to visit people if I ask my parents for permission a few days to a week in advanced so that they can plan it out.
Talking to my parents about these problems I have with them is very difficult. They tease me a lot, they don't take things that I say seriously, they scold me for not listening to them and they just won't back down. It takes a long time and a lot of stress for me to work up the courage to ask and it gets harder each time they say no. They tell me I'm too irresponsible and that they can't trust me. My mother is afraid that I'll end up addicted to heroin on some street corner if I don't obey everything she tells me because her family is shit and she doesn't want me to end up like them. My friends are nerds, the most addictive thing they've run across are energy drinks and WoW.
My parents don't want me to have a social life until I earn up a get a new job, a good credit score, start making car payments and move out of the house. I lost my job in late October and I've been trying to get a new job and I've applied at a number of places but I'm still unemployed. I'm not in college but I can't afford to start taking classes and I don't think I could negotiate a dorm room situation with them. I really can't take this anymore. Before I started working and after I graduated high school I was very depressed. Before I was laid off, I was thrilled and excited because I had people to socialize with and something to do during the day. I'm really concerned that I'll just fall back to that state of ennui and misery that I was in if I can't find a new job soon.
My boyfriend and I are trying to plan a date soon. I'm still working up the courage to ask my parents and a few days have passed already, but I don't believe they'll say yes. They wouldn't let me go with him to a play, I can't go to his Christmas party but I guess it's ok if he drives for two hours to visit me? I haven't been able to see him since late October. It's a long distance relationship, and it's just yet one more reason my parents don't like me seeing him because they don't think it's going to work out.
I can understand my parents wanting to protect me, that's their job, but I feel like they're taking this too far. I'm 22 years old, I have friends who are younger than I am that already have families with multiple children. My parents treat me like a child still. I really don't know what to do. The plan so far is to just go ahead and leave anyways even if they say no but I've tried this already for something unrelated and it failed miserably, so I'm pretty scared that it's going to fail again. If I'm not acting like a spoiled brat then what on earth do I have to do to prove to my parents that its ok if I leave the house? I'm starting to half wonder if I should just join the military. (I'm not serious about enlisting at all.) There isn't anything horrible about my boyfriend, he doesn't deal in drugs and he's not a member of a gang and though we both go back and forth with spousal abuse jokes a lot I sincerely doubt he'd hurt me. Because though my parents don't trust me, they don't trust anyone else I know.
EDIT: I made a mistake in my posts in this thread. The date that I was talking about isn't until later than I said I would.
I get my dates confused and I got the weekends wrong, I'm sorry. It wasn't this weekend it's actually the weekend before Christmas. nuka on
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Why can't you afford college? Have you filled out a FAFSA? It's ridiculously easy to get the loans and grants.
Other than that, get a backbone, a job, and move out.
A lot of it has to do with how terrifying it is to stand up to them, and that I've come to expect a "No." answer for most of everything. I can't figure out what to do for college, so I'm afraid that I'll be forced into taking a major I don't want to take for the sake of pleasing my parents.
You're not a spoiled brat, you're being controlled to an emotionally abusive extent.
FAFSA FAFSA FAFSA.
Ok. I need to go to a community college soon anyways.
But what do I do in the short term? It would be nice if I could see my boyfriend this weekend. In the likely event I'm told no, should I just obey them for now and just try to get along with them or what?
Community colleges are good (read: inexpensive). :^:
As to what you do now, what would happen if you just told them you were going? They sound incapable of listening to reason, so your options are to stand up for yourself and take the consequences, or obey them and stay home. Not judging you either way, those are just it at this point.
...In theory, you should smile and nod and keep your head down so you have some good behavior built up for when you need their info to fill out FAFSA, but...would it matter, with them? I can't emphasize strongly enough that their behavior toward you is not normal.
The last time I tried to leave without their permission, I told them a month in advanced I was going. I think they took it as that I was asking permission but I made a note to myself not to. When the time came they yelled and screamed at my friends and held me back from leaving the house. I also feel like I'm being too selfish in trying to go, and that the same thing will happen if I were to try this again so the idea is terrifying and it's stressing me out trying to work up the nerve to tell them I'm going.
EDIT: It's also that they are ok with me just sitting on my butt not doing anything at all. They haven't tried to make me go to college and I don't think they should and I don't expect them to, but I'm not getting any support or motivation from their end to move forward. Any idea I form like, "I'll be a voice actress!" or "I'll be a meteorologist!" is usually shot down for something much more stable like IT work.
Why is wanting to leave the house without permission selfish?
(Hint: it's not. Your parents have brainwashed you.)
I used to think everything was normal. It wasn't until I got into high school that I started to wonder that something was wrong. I was also one of those depressing emo/goth kids, so it's pretty easy for me to think that I'm just being a selfish teenager when I start questioning how I've grown up.
It's taking me a while to post cause answering these questions is hard.
Totally understandable--I'm not trying to make you feel bad, you're just working way the fuck uphill. It's hard enough to get motivated, organized, and out of a rut, but your folks are ridiculously controlling, to say the least.
A couple other things you said worry me. How did they "hold you back from leaving the house"? Physically, or by berating you till you backed down?
Honestly, it does sound like your parents are being controlling, perhaps to the point of abuse. I don't use that word lightly, but you appear to be a perfectly rational person. Is there a reason you never went to college right after high school? You mentioned being depressed - do you have psychological or physical health issues which might cause your parents to become overprotective? Is there a reason why you aren't enrolled in community college right now, or weren't enrolled immediately after high school?
At the end of the day, here is how you need to view your relationship with your parents. It is their responsibility to feed you, clothe you, and provide you with physical and psychological shelter and support so that you can develop into a functioning, independent human being who is capable of living on her own, supporting herself, and being a contributing member of society. Every time they keep you at home or restrict you from going out on your own, they are working against that fundamental responsibility (again, unless there is good reason for them to do so - if they believe you will harm others or yourself, for example).
Parents know that eventually, their job will be done, and their kids will go away and live their own lives. Part of them never wants their kids to leave. But another part of them recognizes that if they want their kids to leave, because it shows that they've done their job. I mean, there are parents out there who tell their kids that once they turn 18, they are on their own. That may be on the opposite end of the spectrum from your situation, but I think it's telling that society doesn't mandate otherwise. And yet for you, it does say that you could leave and your parents would have no right to force you to come home.
Honestly, and not to be harsh, but you and your parents have SERIOUS issues.
You are an adult. Start acting like one. Maybe if you were 18 or 19 I could understand this, but you're 22. Get your shit together and get out of their house.
Physically. My dad was holding onto my arms and I couldn't leave.
My parents don't hit me or anything like that. If they did I would be living someplace else because I would have called the police ages ago.
I was just physically held back from leaving the house, I wasn't left with bruises and I wasn't in pain at the time, well physical pain. Again if I felt that I was being physically abused I would have alerted the police.
I was also pretty shocked at everything. I might have made more effort if I wasn't so mortified. This was also the first time I have ever tried to rebel against them in such a drastic way. I usually would ask, they would say no, I'd go and sulk someplace.
You're being physically restrained from leaving their house? Are you fucking kidding me? Wow. The serious craziness of your situation...just wow.
but they're listening to every word I say
That? Fuck that. No excuses about lack of physical injury, that's a fucked-up thing to do to your adult daughter.
After-school special moment: abuse doesn't always come with bruises. Get out. They are never going to get better.
I can't say that I was actually suffering from depression, that's a disease and I haven't the right to diagnose myself. I've never visited even so much as a school counselor for anything. It's not easy for me to ask for help and I never really thought that I was so bad off I needed psychological help, that I was just being a moody teenager instead.
When school would end I was always very upset, but I was also leaving behind my friends and what was my social life behind and I actually enjoyed learning and all that stuff. At first I was just being lazy, and I accept the consequences of that. But then the idea that I was a worthless person just kinda slowly crept up on me. It's not the first time I've felt that I've been in a dark place. I never intended of taking more than a year long break from school before going to college. I actually can't go to a state university unless I get more credits in math and science. But around the time that I was going to get serious about applying I was just so depressed and I just couldn't care about myself.
I felt better once I got my job, but then I was just being stupid and lazy again and I never applied. I got complacent and even though my hours were shit (2 days and only a part time job dishwashing) I ended feeling ok about this because I was happy I had people to socialize with and I was out of the house. I also kinda wanted to move out first before getting to college, I didn't want to put off my education any further but I just wanted to get out of the house so badly that I felt like I should rather just spend my time trying to get a full time job and living on my own first.
I feel that a part of the bigger problem at hand is my own fault for just being too lazy. Not all of it, but I do blame myself for some parts.
I've only been able to see him once so far, most of any interaction I get with him is online. Besides, he still lives on his own and it's only been a few months.
Fixed that for you.
They're not physically abusing you, but they most certainly are emotionally abusing you. You need to get out and away from them as soon as possible. What's your boyfriend's situation like? Is he living on his own? Can you move in with him? Offer to take care of chores and housework to cover for rent until you get a job?
If you're living away from your parents, and aren't financially dependent on them, you won't need their information for FAFSa, and you'll be likely to get more money.
Seriously though... get out. They are doing serious harm to you.
but they're listening to every word I say
I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure this isn't how it works. To me this just sounds like they don't want you to ever have a social life, and once you have all those things they'll just change the standards on you ("you can't have a social life until we die because you have to take care of us," or something of that nature).
It's worth noting that if you land a job and decide to move out and escape your sheltered family life, then this is exactly the sort of problem you're going to have to learn to deal with on your own. Asking a group of strangers on an internet forum to make this decision for you is not exactly progress toward independence.
I don't know how pressing an issue college or university is for you right now, but if it can afford to wait, have you considered applying to work on a cruise ship? It's not exactly easy work, but it pays decently and it's basically a free room and board, free travel to some interesting locations you probably never thought you'd see, and a fantastic way to meet tons of people from all walks of life.
I've spent a few months on ships, and while I'm not exactly pining to get another contract on one, I definitely count them as some valuable "life experiences."
He still lives with his family, and I think it's wrong to just impose myself on his family like that. I would of course do my share of the work but I would still feel wrong for it. He's had trouble finding a job after graduating college last summer as well.
This isn't exactly accurate. You have to be 24 for that, or else an orphan, or your parents have to like... murder someone or something. If you can prove that you don't talk to them or see them ever then you don't have to be 24.
I would move out and get a job and worry about fafsa later.
but they're listening to every word I say
Yeah...what your dad is doing (holding you against your will) is against the law. For good reason. I don't know the details of whether it's false imprisonment or something else, but it's certainly not good and it's a situation the police could intervene in.
How well do you know your boyfriend or other friends? It sounds like a situation you need to be out of.
I have quite a bit saved up from what little I was paid. I live in Washington state so well it's the highest in the nation but I worked what 8 hours every week. I can work as soon as the day after I send in an application, it's only a matter of filling out more because no one has hired me yet.
Yeah he's nice but I don't think I could do that quite yet even if he was on his own.
I jokingly consider joining the military. I still have a lot of options. The cruise ship idea is nice but I need to at least rule out local jobs first.
I've only met my boyfriend once, it's a long distance internet relationship so I can't just jump to moving in with him.
Absolutely! Just tossing it out there as a slightly preferable (in my eyes, at least) option to the military, in case you hadn't considered it.
If I did enlist it would be the air force. My dad was in the navy and he might have nice things to say about it but I can't stick myself on a ship surrounded by mostly men and open ocean.
But I don't want to serve my country and I can't join just for the sake of escaping.
I haven't, but I haven't a clue where to begin aside from a random google search.
If I were physically restrained from leaving some place I would call the police at the earliest available opportunity. I'm literally horrified to ask, but what do you think your living situation would be like if you had to have the police escort you out of your home?
but they're listening to every word I say
You're an adult, and your parents are treating you like you're 5 years old. This needs to change, and fast. If you can, have your boyfriend pick you up, take you on a date, and have a good time...no matter what your parents say. What are they going to do....ground you? You don't have to listen to them if they try that bullshit.
Best of luck.
Edit: Physical abuse doesn't have to be painful, you know.
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Nuka has been looking since October. I've been looking since May. It's a pretty shitty jobfinding economy.
It didn't strike me as physical abuse because I wasn't physically injured. I didn't feel the need to turn around and tell him, "You're hurting me let me go!"
I was also very shocked at what they were doing, this was the first time I had ever rebelled against them for literally anything. If they were to try the same thing again I'd be livid but at the time I was too stunned to do much of anything.
Yeah I can't imagine just going up to them and telling them I was heading out and then just being able to walk away.
I haven't thought of changing this weekends plans, but now I feel like instead of just asking just walking out and leaving. I'm really pretty damn furious, but it's also really hard because at the same time I feel like I have no right to be angry, and I'm also terrified of my parents.
It didn't strike you as physical abuse because you're reasoning/excusing it all the fuck away. It's not okay. We will keep repeating this till it sticks.
If he held you back from going out with friends, what will he do when you go out to look for an apartment?
What would they do if you did just walk out of the house?
I haven't tried to move out yet.
I have money saved up but I'm not going to last more than a couple months just going on bare minimum, that is not considering car payments/insurance or any furnishings I would have to buy.