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Boyfriends
Lady Eri
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
What is a tactful and subtle way to make him get the hint that like him? I am so use to guys making the first move that I am starting to seriously wonder if this guy is on the other team or really just wants to be friends. I know he is not involved with anyone else. Any suggestions from girls who have been in the same position?
He's asked me to hang out several times now. Once with friends, twice at events like the Santa Crawl and a BBBS event. Again I am pretty sure he is not gay.
He's asked me to hang out several times now. Once with friends, twice at events like the Santa Crawl and a BBBS event. Again I am pretty sure he is not gay.
Lady Eri on
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When I was single, I appreciated it so very much when the girl would give me a direct indication that she was interest. I'd imagine this guy will feel the same way.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
The other thing to realise is that guys generally dont find a woman making the first move a turnoff. Honestly, I'd make a joke of it. If you're sure he likes you - say something like "so, would you like to ask me out for coffee or something?" Or if you're not there yet, you just ask him to do something just the two of you - then when you're a little more sure of things, you can say "Well, seeing as you made ME ask YOU out, you get to chose where we go next time".
I'd relax, and not get hung up on the "guy must ask girl" thing.
You're going to have to take the hit here and just ask him.
Some guys (most guys really) have no fucking clue when to make the approach. Sometimes it's too soon, most of the time it's far past the window of opportunity.
Go ahead and enlighten him.
Pretty much this, minus the being married bit.
Unless I'm presented with a mountain of successive subtle hints, I'm apparently too dense to distinguish said subtle romantic hints from simple friendship.
Shoot, I think it's really charming and sexy when a girl takes the initiative.
Sometimes taking the initiative will have adverse effects. Play it safe. Talk to him on the phone first or plan to meet somewhere neutral.
Woah, I don't know what you're talking about, but all I meant is that if a girl I thought was attractive were to ask me out, I'd definitely dig it.
This assumes there's a mysterious "third option".
allow me to explain.
Either the guys interested in you/could be if you bring it up, or he's not. If he's just flat out not interested, there's really not much you can do. If he is/could be, taking initiative will figure that out and hey look everything works out.
But for some reason we always assume a third option of totally into you if you play your cards right and do things subtly and cleverly and do things neutral and slowly work on him 'till he's totally interested, which is a situation that only works in porrly written fanfic.
To the OP:
Put yourself in his shoes. There's a guy. He's interested in you. But he doesn't tell you, and you can't really tell if he is, so you decide not to bring it up. You are into him either a little or to the point where if he were to bring it up? Yeah, why not, might as well try it and have fun, he's not too bad.
Is there any way he could broach the subject that would make you not into him, other than, say "HEY LET'S BONE NOW"?
A thousand, million times this.
I know all people are different, but this is one of those time I feel I could say "I think I speak for everyone when I say"...
Bingo. Now if you're not willing to tell him verbally that you're interested, I think that holding his hand would work. That level of intimacy is a pretty good indicator of romantic interest in my book but I guess he could be using another book. Either way, take the risk. You like him enough to risk rejection right?
Hey Eri, I'm a girl, I've been in your situation VERY recently.
I've been interested in a guy for month, heck, I learned everything I could about something I had no interest in just to talk with him (the Canucks. Oh God do they suck).
Last week I asked him out and that pretty much sealed the deal. He thought me learning about hockey was just silly, he would never have rejected a date.
Just do it! It's not the first time I've asked a guy out (they tend to be so oblivious) and they're always glad for it.
They don't make enough lime for this. Next time you see this guy, ask him out. Don't worry about timing, or anything like that. Subtlety is your enemy. Men are not trained in the United States to be sensitive to subtle emotional cues like women are, so an outburst that might seem like a flashbang grenade to your average woman would barely make a blip on the average guy's radar.
Also, if I was asked out by someone who I wasn't interested in, I would respect them a hell of a lot more for having the courage to take the plunge. Modern men dig courage.
Well, it's true, we mostly are, but to turn the stereotype the other way 'round, it's because we just say what we mean, we're not used to "playing around" . :P
Being a woman, and in this predicament myself a while back I find the limed advice fantastic. This is great advice if you can't find yourself comfortable enough to actually say anything. I actually did this on the first date with my now boyfriend. Even after this I still had to do a lot to show that I was truly interested in the knucklehead.
Let's face it, as many of the guy posters here have said it. Guys are super dense when it comes to this stuff. Sometimes you just have to do something as drastic as holding their hand and giving a nice squeeze to show your interest.
And from my experience no guy has ever been adverse to me being a little direct.8-)
I tend to think the majority of men would like women to do this more.
Both sides tend to de-humanize the other just a bit. You're asking someone on a date, not diffusing a bomb. Just think how you would like this guy to go about asking you out. Would you rather he dance around the subject and do nothing but lay the very most subtle nudges that may or may not mean anything? Probably not.
Treat the situation as you would like it treated were you in his shoes.
Face Twit Rav Gram
Indeed.
I remember 1 particular dense moment myself.
4 years back or so I was at a party and I had been chatting and dancing with a friend of a friend the whole night. The party was starting to die down and she asked me if I would like to look at the stars with her.
At that time I was studying astronomy, so naturally I concluded that she wanted to tap my well of knowledge. When she blocked my view of the stars by climbing on top of me it dawned on me that she wanted to tap something else. And good times where had by all.
Say so, or do something else so as to make it blindingly obvious.
Is he interested? Without knowing any particulars at all, yes, he probably is. If he's not saying anything then it's because he does not clearly understand the situation. Men fall into two broad categories; the kind that charge around blindly and the kind that don't. The former get by on optimism, the latter on patience. What you have on your hands is the latter, and trying to wait him out on advancing a relationship is not going to work. He's not saying anything because he thinks that's what you want him to do and he won't do anything to jeopardize the status quo unless he's absolutely certain it's welcome.
But enough about my self esteem issues.
Seriously though, as much as many men need to overcome the fear of rejection, it wouldn't be so bad if more women were up front about their desires as well. This (on several levels) was an issue with my last relationship; she expected me to 'just know' what she wanted, despite being told that I wasn't a mind reader and that coughs and gestures (what is she, 29 or 5 years old?) didn't work nearly as well as just saying something.
And it was my fault when I didn't pick up on the cues. Or guessed incorrectly.
But that's a lengthy story for another thread.
Seriously, just say something, or make some motions that are definitively intimate (hold holding, getting into his personal space a little, etc).
but they're listening to every word I say
Describing it as fear of rejection seems a bit much.
I find it to be a common phenomena that it's difficult to go back to being friends after failing at an attempt to be more then friends. If it works, don't mess with it and it will continue to work.
One woman I dated later told me she'd been waiting for weeks for me to make a move, when she decided to invite me back to her place to watch a movie, and entered the room after excusing herself for a moment wearing lingerie and deciding that the best place to sit was my lap.
My reluctance to (in my eyes) risk a change in the dynamic of a friendship I enjoyed faded away pretty quickly when I was brought up to speed as to what her intentions were.
Edit: after actually reading what your post said, it appears we're on the same level. Sorry, distractions at work adversely affect my reading comprehension.
Seriously, OP, don't count on guys to pick up on clues. It's ok to just say something like "I like hanging out with you. You should ask me on a date."
you're on an internet forum for game nerds by game nerds so the one word I warning I have for you is that coming on too strong is the only risk here. sure, some guys would love you to just walk up to them and put your hand in their pants -- but personally that sets off a ton of warning flags in my brain and there's no reason for it. there is an art to aggressive pursuit and you're probably already familiar with it on some level, but remember there is a difference between being clear and being aggressive. being clear is much less risky than being aggressive.
but man is it fun to be aggressive. when it works.
Just ask him out casually for a drink/coffee/dinner/whatever. How have you been asked out in the past? There's no reason for it to be any different because he's a guy.
Rejection, isn't that wonderful word? I mean, one thing that I have learnt during last six months is that men really fear "rejection" way too much. They overthink things and make themselves believe that they were "rejected" when girl doesn't react in desired way. But honestly...
Perhaps she was shy. Perhaps her uncle died. Perhaps she was deaf. Perhaps she just had local anesthesia and couldn't speak. Perhaps she was actually alien undercover, and was afraid that you blow her cover up.
No matter how unlikely these things are, they are more likely than you being "rejected". I mean, no-one is going to reject you in 10 seconds! They are perhaps rejecting your approach and idea you are presenting, but not you. And even if she really rejected you, who f*cking cares? Why you would even put any weight on total strangers opinion on you? She doesn't even know you! Once you realize this wonderful truth, you are like a different man.
Slight touching is good. Start by just touching his forearm, shoulder, etc. Laugh at his jokes. Flip your hair, etc. etc. If he's not entirely dense he should pick up on this and hopefully run with it. If not, you may have to ask him out.
Once we learn to watch for this stuff (a lot of what you gals do is unconscious), it's easier to pick up on what/how you feel. Although when you're just fucking with us then it just leads to befuddlement. Either way, you're going to have to show you're interested in some capacity.
Good luck and God speed.
-- BP
Oh... most men don't recognize those at all. I would be against touching, because if guy is shy, it actually can make him uncomfortable (something that I have witnessed multiple times on the field).
I agree with this assessment. Ambiguity doesn't help in this case. Forar's example works because, well, there is no ambiguity. A hilariously absurd lack of ambiguity to be entirely honest, but nevertheless the message is absolute.
It's important to realize that the masculine brain does not handle nonvocal communication as well. When you send a mixed signal that doesn't really make much sense like being touched, the most energy efficient solution to the male mind is to simply rationalize it as accidental or of no consequence and disregard it. This is a subconscious process, at the layer where the brain decides what input is worth expending calories on.
"I'm holding his arm but he's not noticing." (Line of thought continues...)
"She keeps bumping into me." (Line of thought ends. Sleep 1, goto loop start...)
It's necessary to tunnel past that barrier by sending signals that are not easily disregarded. Words work well.
When in doubt, the urge to not rock the boat is a hard one to overcome, at least with my personality. Granted, one must be assertive about being heard and life is all about taking risks, but it's a tough calculation to make when you already have a vested interest in the situation (like being friends with a person).
A juevenille high-school mentality that some may see it as, but some reflexes are hard to suppress. I've had discussions with friends about a mutual interest of sorts that turned out just fine (in that we remained friends afterwards without any awkwardness), but it's hard to not think of it as a risk to this day.
Perhaps tangental to the OP, but it seems like a related train of thought that people (men and women alike?) might go through. A simple risk vs reward assessment is easier to make when you have little or nothing to risk (such as when dealing with strangers).
An example of this is, when my girlfriend's previous boyfriend unknowingly put his hand on a spot where my girlfriend happens to be particularly sensitive when he put his arm around her on their first date, she got him off her by putting her hand on his thigh.
If all else fails, you could just get him drunk and make out. Just don't sleep with him. That'd be rape (unless you didn't know how wasted he was, in which case it's only vagslaughter). Rape is bad.