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Should I leave my job for my sanity?
DjCalvin
MARegistered User regular
MARegistered User regular
Required background:
Home:
Early 30's, Married.. Have a 21month old daughter, large house payment.
I watch my daughter from 7am-2pm every day(my wife leaves for work at 9am) My wife comes home from work @ 2, and I work from home or head into my office (50 miles away.. i go into the office once a week)
So my commuting expenses are $20 a week for gas or so..
I work from 2pm-10pm for a hosting company setting up and troubleshooting bad servers.. (and very bad "admins")
Job:
My company has outsources all lower tiers of support to India.. Only reason they haven't outsourced my 4 man team is because we have export control systems where only u.s. citizens can touch them.. and we are the engineers/3rd level support.. when #^&* breaks.. we fix it right.
I do not like my job.. I am overworked, tired and angry all the time (due to the idiots we outsource to)
My co-workers are fired.. its every man for himself.. no teamwork left in any of us..
Money.. I make a decent amount.. but after all monthly bills are paid, we have about $1k left. (my wife's part time job doesn't bring in that much.. but it pays the bills.. and my paycheck pays the mortgage)
<End background>
Possible new position:
I was just offered a position with my old teammates who left the company to go work for a Government funded technology firm. Basically doing everything I always wanted to do.. break new stuff before it hits market, test it out. see if it works for us.. software/hardware guinea pig ( a lot of vmware ESX which i deal with now)
The job would pay $6-7k a year more that what I am making now.
it is a 1st shift job - M-F 7:30am-4:30pm - Figure with traffic I'd get home no earlier than 6pm.. and I'd have to leave the house in the morning at 6am.
I would have to commute 62 miles each way in rush hour traffic.. basically 2 hours each way.
I would be able to work from home 1 day a week. (most people take friday as their work from home day)
but.. I would have to put my daughter in daycare for 5 days a week.
In MA where we live, we have looked at 4 diff day care centers.. each one wants $350 to $450 a week for my daughter's daycare..
We do not quality for any type of government assistance ( I make too much)
We do not have family that would be willing to watch my daughter even part time during the week, but my mother in law has offered to pay for half the childcare bill.. $800 a month
I figure with the commuting.. that would add on about $3k-$4k in gas, and an additional $1k in maintenance on my car.
Ive always read the H & A forums, even added my support on some items.. but now its my turn..
So Do I:
Continue working for my current company, working from home.. and watching my daughter for as long as I can... while hating my job. and possibly leave my job for a job at this other company if my existing job goes overseas? (I am good friends with the manager and he told me I would always be welcomed there)
OR
take the 120 mile commute (round trip), suck up my pride and take the offer by my mother in law and put my daughter in daycare... ( I am a VERY stubborn person when it comes to money.. I do not like to take handouts)
who knows if I will be happy in a new job.. yes I know the people, and I like them all.. but still
I cant make up my mind.. the grass looks greener from this side of the fence looking in.. but is it?
Home:
Early 30's, Married.. Have a 21month old daughter, large house payment.
I watch my daughter from 7am-2pm every day(my wife leaves for work at 9am) My wife comes home from work @ 2, and I work from home or head into my office (50 miles away.. i go into the office once a week)
So my commuting expenses are $20 a week for gas or so..
I work from 2pm-10pm for a hosting company setting up and troubleshooting bad servers.. (and very bad "admins")
Job:
My company has outsources all lower tiers of support to India.. Only reason they haven't outsourced my 4 man team is because we have export control systems where only u.s. citizens can touch them.. and we are the engineers/3rd level support.. when #^&* breaks.. we fix it right.
I do not like my job.. I am overworked, tired and angry all the time (due to the idiots we outsource to)
My co-workers are fired.. its every man for himself.. no teamwork left in any of us..
Money.. I make a decent amount.. but after all monthly bills are paid, we have about $1k left. (my wife's part time job doesn't bring in that much.. but it pays the bills.. and my paycheck pays the mortgage)
<End background>
Possible new position:
I was just offered a position with my old teammates who left the company to go work for a Government funded technology firm. Basically doing everything I always wanted to do.. break new stuff before it hits market, test it out. see if it works for us.. software/hardware guinea pig ( a lot of vmware ESX which i deal with now)
The job would pay $6-7k a year more that what I am making now.
it is a 1st shift job - M-F 7:30am-4:30pm - Figure with traffic I'd get home no earlier than 6pm.. and I'd have to leave the house in the morning at 6am.
I would have to commute 62 miles each way in rush hour traffic.. basically 2 hours each way.
I would be able to work from home 1 day a week. (most people take friday as their work from home day)
but.. I would have to put my daughter in daycare for 5 days a week.
In MA where we live, we have looked at 4 diff day care centers.. each one wants $350 to $450 a week for my daughter's daycare..
We do not quality for any type of government assistance ( I make too much)
We do not have family that would be willing to watch my daughter even part time during the week, but my mother in law has offered to pay for half the childcare bill.. $800 a month
I figure with the commuting.. that would add on about $3k-$4k in gas, and an additional $1k in maintenance on my car.
Ive always read the H & A forums, even added my support on some items.. but now its my turn..
So Do I:
Continue working for my current company, working from home.. and watching my daughter for as long as I can... while hating my job. and possibly leave my job for a job at this other company if my existing job goes overseas? (I am good friends with the manager and he told me I would always be welcomed there)
OR
take the 120 mile commute (round trip), suck up my pride and take the offer by my mother in law and put my daughter in daycare... ( I am a VERY stubborn person when it comes to money.. I do not like to take handouts)
who knows if I will be happy in a new job.. yes I know the people, and I like them all.. but still
I cant make up my mind.. the grass looks greener from this side of the fence looking in.. but is it?
DjCalvin on
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Edit: My thought with this is daycare in the Boston area is expensive and competitive. I know people who put their kids on waitlists before the kid was born so they could get in. I figure a little further from the city it might be more affordable.
Its get more expensive as you go torwards boston, its crazy.. we live about 30 miles south of the city.. and my wife works another 30 miles further south. whereas I go 62 miles north.. (north of boston)
I had no clue about parents signing there unborn kids up for daycare till this year when we started looking.. once places told us they had a 3 year waiting list.. damn!
were going to try to stick someplace close to us for daycare.. within a 10-15 mile radius so that its on the way to work for ONE of us if we go that route.
If you are working five days a week and one is from home shouldn't you only need daycare for four days a week?
Satans..... hints.....
Not without the bills suffering... she already works part time, I doubt her company would let her cut back any more.. She went from 40+ a week to 30 a week.. she has a hard time juggling both our daughter and her job as it is now.
I want to a happier person, better father and husband.. but then I look at it like this:
"I have a job, I can work from home 90% of the time, I work 2nd shift so that I can be with my daughter.. yes I hate it.. but It could be worse.. I could be out of a job"
Does that sound selfish?
Now if I take the new job.. It puts me on a whole different schedule.. I should have mentioned it.
this new job is 7:30-4:30pm
Where my current is 2pm-10pm.. I watch my daughter till 2pm. I wouldn't be able to do that at all
Yes and I am still confused.
If you are not at home you put the child into day care.
You will not be home 4 days a week.
I still do not see how your child needs 5 days a week in child care.
Satans..... hints.....
Who is going to watch my daughter while I work from home on that 1 day? my wife would still be at her job.
Working from home is not a "free day" where I really don't have to work.. I literally go into my office here, shut the door and work as if I was in an office...
Satans..... hints.....
And that's perfectly fine, I don't have a problem with that when my daughter is a little bit older..
I have tried that in the evening when my wife has to go out, and I don't get any work done..
My only other thought would be to look for a nanny but nannies in the Boston area go for a minimum of $15/hr so it'd be more than the daycare.
Besides, your daughter is almost two years old and may enjoy a bit of socializing with like minded tots. Granted at first all kids probably hate it, but if it is a daycare that does a bit of pre-kindergarten schooling it might be worth it. Heck I was taught basic French when my parents had to put me in daycare at a very early age, mostly due to being the only full time daycare child for a few years. HOWEVER, and this is a big HOWEVER, only you and your wife are fit to decide if you daughter is prepared and ready for something like day-care or a pre-school. Some kids may thrive at an early age and others will sink like rocks.
You even said yourself that the manager likes you and would swing you your job back if something goes awry, so why not give this new job a try. You'll get to eat dinner with your family when you get home from work and tuck your daughter into bed every night probably. I always waited up for my dad to come home so we could eat dinner and then go to bed. Heck, you might have even more room to grow your career at this other job which may translate into better pay or different hours right? Your current job sounds like you are a bit stuck.
Oh holy cow, I wrote a lot. Either way, best of luck with your job and your family mate.
I work for a non-profit, and as such we don't have CEOs and VPs -- we have Directors. The director of my division was fantastic -- very dedicated to the job, loved the work, and fun to be around. When she accepted the position, she had a 2 hour commute each way, and so worked 4 day weeks. Her family lived in NJ and she drove down to Baltimore. After almost a year, she moved her family down to Baltimore, so everything was peachy.
She just recently resigned to go work for another company in a similar field. She told all of us that it was a very tough decision and that the only reason she did it was because she could move back to NJ. She's going back to a hellacious commute (from NJ up to NYC), a work schedule that has her in a lot of different places through the week, without any significant change in role or pay (AFAIK, of course -- the pay differences in the non-profit world are not as significant as in the for-profit world).
For her, it's all about location. Changing jobs gets her in a location where she is happier mentally -- around more family, closer to the ocean, and closer to the things she's familiar with from the rest of her life.
In your case, I see no reason why you shouldn't jump ship and live with the commute while you figure out how you can reduce it. Being a good parent is more than just face time, as I'm sure you know -- being happy with your life is infectious, too. I have a good relationship with my parents and they're still married, but I still think of my dad as generally unhappy with his life because he has complained about his job(s) for as long as I can remember. I think that if the new job gives you a better outlook on life, a little more financial breathing room, and perhaps something to look forward to when you go to work, that will make the time you spend with your kid that much more worthwhile to you, and the kid will know it.
At the same time, it might be something for you and your wife to talk about and look into a bit.
My main concern is this: A two hour commute is horrible, and could really spoil any joy you get from this new job. Waking up to drive two hours in traffic is going to get old very quickly. I'd imagine that any satisfaction/joy you get doing your job during the day could be diminished by the time you get home by two hours of fighting through traffic. 16 hours a week in the car is a lot of time.
I LOVE the job I do, as does pretty much everyone I work with. The only reason anyone has left this job since I have been here is because they couldn't deal with commuting two hours anymore. There are some amazing people that commute like this with a smile on their face, and if this is you, more power to you.
Is moving an option? Maybe get a slightly smaller house within an hour from your job so the expenses aren't as tight? Does your wife have any easily transferrable skills? I am 100% in support of leaving a soul-crushing job for greener pastures. Just make sure you really factor in the things that come with the new pastures.
$800 a month can go a long way towards making your lives easier. Again, I don't know what kind of mindset she is in but if she just wants to contribute I would let her. It almost seems rude to me not to. This is assuming your lives actually get easier because 2 hours each way is a lot of traffic. Though is the traffic really that bad? 62 miles is a distance but usually on commutes that long only a small part of it is through real traffic. I used to do the 100 miles from LA to San Diego all the time and it usually took a little less than 2 hours.
My vote goes her as well. You can be a much better parent, and husband, if work is good for you. If you stay at the current one you will eventually regret you did not make the switch and that alone will make you hate the current one even more.
SWITCH. I would do it even if it meant hard financial choices and I have done so in my past.
We did a cost:benefit analysis of me working full-time, and me staying at home - once we included the extra cost of ready bought meals, my work clothes, the childminder's fees, petrol for my car, it turned out I was working for £15 a week. I stopped.
It meant we went without a few things - holidays abroad, lots of clothes, take out. BUT: I spent all day with Lewie's sister, and when Lewie came along, I was at home then, too: I was a stay at home mummy for 5 years. I loved it. I only went back to work because we wanted a better standard of living, but for the first 18 months, most of my salary went on childcare. You have to have decent childcare, your children deserve the best.
I've worked half time almost ever since -- I tried working full time, but we all hated it - the money was good, but life wasn't. We paid to go to Florida Disney in 4 months on what I was earning, but we were all unhappy, so I went back to working half time.
Children grow up so quickly, blink and you've missed so much.
My best friend's husband barely saw their children growing up, specially the youngest - by the time he got home from work, she was in bed; he left before she woke up. He is very driven, earns shedloads of money, has a very high position in his company, but would rather have spent time with his kids when they were small.
You need to weigh up things like: how tired will you be after a 2 hour commute? how much time will you want to spend with your child when you're knackered from work and the drive? What is really important to you - ie. what drives you? Is it family life/money/status? Can you put up with a job you don't like all that much if it means you get what you value most?
For paintings in progress, check out canvas and paints
"The power of the weirdness compels me."
House/Moving/Money: We bought our house in 2007 right during the housing market fiasco..
Paid way too much for the house looking back now.. but then the price was right (nothing compared to 2004 prices) We owe $60k more than the house is worth now, so selling is NOT an option. (had it appraised for a re-fi which we failed to qualify for.. hurraaaay) We love our house, its small, but MA prices are beyond crazy, and My wife wanted to be near her family. (I'd be out in east cutty nowhere if it were just me)
Figure I'll ride out the house till the checks stop coming in, then start looking at a short sale route if possible. We don't have any debt other than the house and student loans (damn you college!!)
What's the most important thing to me? Easy.. My Daughter. (sorry wifey..)
I LOVE the time I spend with her.
My old manager at the NEW job would take me any time.. so If I waited till this current job went tits up.. I'd have something there.
If i left my current job.. there is no going back.. company has put out a statement saying no U.S. Hiring.. so there goes a way back in... (We lost 2 people this summer, they were both replaced with offshore help for 1/3rd the price)
What does my wife say (literally):
"Stop being so F'ing negative and try to look for the good in both jobs.. weigh those out."
and "Just take the money my mom is offering and stfu"
Completely random that happened today:
(I have not told ANYONE at my current job I am looking to leave..)
My current manager called me up today out of the blue and thanked me for all the hard work I have done over the last year, and then proceeded to basically beg me to stay, to give HIM some time and get some dev projects off my plate. Told me that if I left: A. my department would be screwed as I build every server that comes into our company. B. that he knows 2 other people would quit if I wasn't there. Frack.....
He Tossed me $300 in free expenses for anything I want, and sent me a receipt for a new laptop he ordered yesterday A Dell Studio XPS 16.
So my question is.. WHO here knows me? lol
I know my daughter really should be interacting with other toddlers.. I WANT her to get that socialization, she's an only child and will prob stay that way for at least another 3 years.
Then again.. I am a typical overprotective 1st time parent.. I have yet to find a babysitter to watch my daughter other than my mother in law... (not the "no.. don't eat crayon!" type.. just the "I don't trust other people with my daughter" type.)
It also Breaks my heart to even think about placing her somewhere where she is not loved for a good portion of the day.
So This is what I am thinking about doing:
Go on the interview for the new job next week.. (formality)
Let them give me an offer letter..
Bring that offer letter to my current job and see if they will give me a $8k bump to stay.
If they don't.. I think I Have to take the new job.
62 miles, while it doesn't sound like THAT much compared to some... Is a long frackin drive.. my entire commute minus 15 minutes would be stop and go..
I am going to do a test run during rush hour next week as I am on vacation till Jan just to see.. the only downside to that is isn't everyone on vacation? (I was forced to take vacation as I had too much time banked.)
This is what I don't want.. I don't want to miss a thing with my daughter..
I was there for her 1st everything..
She walked to me, she spoke to me first, she gives me friggin kisses!
Today I SWEAR she said "Love you" which my response was "Can I buy you a pony?"
You should see the looks I get at the play ground... Its definitely a mother's world.
I had one woman ask me "What did you do to be forced to take your daughter to the playground?"
My response was (after the initial shock) "Nothing.. I am a good father (dramatic pause) who wants to spend as much time as I can with her..."
She gave me this F-U look and walked away.
Ding Ding Ding!
EXACTLY how I feel. If I could do work from home and take care of her at the same time.. this wouldn't be an issue.. I get distracted easily enough as it is.. (finishing up my day now)
If so it may make a big difference in commute time. For example at my current job rather than being at my desk at 8 or 9 most days I show up at 9.30ish and then stay a bit late and it almost cuts my commute time in half - both in the morning and in the afternoon. Maybe you can even combine it with a bit of evening work at home so you some days are able to leave early and then put in an hour or so from like 9 pm to 10 pm.