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Fighting Depression
Aikens
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
With the sheer number of posters on these forums, I imagine this must be something that at least a few people have had to deal with before, so I figured I'd consult the greek chorus for some advice.
Background to this is pretty pathetic but I think probably worth knowing, if only so people can try and see where I'm coming from.
I am currently 26 and about 40kg overweight (about 86lbs for the Imperially minded). This is falling but it's taking time, and I don't seem to get that endorphin high that most do after excercise which makes it harder. As a result of this I have never had an actual relationship with anyone. Closest thing being with a girl I met online when I used to play WoW. She was in America, I was in England. We got pretty close, even had phone sex a couple of times, then eventually she slept with some bloke, got pregnant and begged me to fly out to America to see her when she was going to have the abortion. When I got there, on the first day she told me she didn't want me there, and that was basically that, I spoke to her once more afterwards and then never again.
As a result of this, I have basically no self-esteem whatsoever, and am a world champion at neutralising anything people say who try to change that. I'm pretty sure I also hugely over-analyse things like peoples behaviour. An example, a group of us were out for drinks a few months ago, none of us really knew each other that well at this point and one of the girls had to go home a little early. She goes round and hugs everyone goodbye, then shakes my hand instead. Would it really be that irrational of me to conclude that I physically repulse her, complete with the body-blow to the self image that comes with?
Essentially, I'm pretty sure I have some form of depression. I tend to feel pretty shitty most of the time, and there are very few things I take actual pleasure in any more. I play video games, but I don't tend to actually enjoy them per se, it's more just switching off the brain for a while so it stops tormenting me.
I was content to just live with the fact that I'll be alone and miserable my whole life, but I recently started sharing a house with a girl that I really like, not in a relationship kinda way but just as a really good friend. Hanging out with her has, in some small way, stoked the tiny embers of self-respect and esteem I had left. There was recently a huge night out that nearly everyone we knew went out to, but I stayed home. I haven't really enjoyed going out for a long time, as I feel like people are constantly laughing at the fat bloke. Last time I was out with my housemate, we were talking at the bar, and some bloke walks up and interposes himself between us, ostensibly "rescuing" her from the attentions of the ugly bastard. At the same time though being at home when you know everyone else is out having fun is pretty depressing as well. She texted me saying I should come out and join them, but I couldn't bring myself to go, I managed to concince myself that they didn't really want me there, they were just being polite knowing full well I'd never take them up on the offer.
So after that pathetic wall of text, I ask you PA, what can I do to stop being so depressed? I'd really really rather not go to a therapist or anything, as that compounds further embarrasment on top of everything else, and is much harder to hide. I also have a real hang-up about actually asking for help in any fashion.
This post doesn't count. :P
Finally, in case anyone reads that and wonders, perhaps rightly so; No. I have never considered suicide in any fashion, and there is no risk that I would. My life might kinda suck, but even a sucky life is better than no life at all.
Background to this is pretty pathetic but I think probably worth knowing, if only so people can try and see where I'm coming from.
I am currently 26 and about 40kg overweight (about 86lbs for the Imperially minded). This is falling but it's taking time, and I don't seem to get that endorphin high that most do after excercise which makes it harder. As a result of this I have never had an actual relationship with anyone. Closest thing being with a girl I met online when I used to play WoW. She was in America, I was in England. We got pretty close, even had phone sex a couple of times, then eventually she slept with some bloke, got pregnant and begged me to fly out to America to see her when she was going to have the abortion. When I got there, on the first day she told me she didn't want me there, and that was basically that, I spoke to her once more afterwards and then never again.
As a result of this, I have basically no self-esteem whatsoever, and am a world champion at neutralising anything people say who try to change that. I'm pretty sure I also hugely over-analyse things like peoples behaviour. An example, a group of us were out for drinks a few months ago, none of us really knew each other that well at this point and one of the girls had to go home a little early. She goes round and hugs everyone goodbye, then shakes my hand instead. Would it really be that irrational of me to conclude that I physically repulse her, complete with the body-blow to the self image that comes with?
Essentially, I'm pretty sure I have some form of depression. I tend to feel pretty shitty most of the time, and there are very few things I take actual pleasure in any more. I play video games, but I don't tend to actually enjoy them per se, it's more just switching off the brain for a while so it stops tormenting me.
I was content to just live with the fact that I'll be alone and miserable my whole life, but I recently started sharing a house with a girl that I really like, not in a relationship kinda way but just as a really good friend. Hanging out with her has, in some small way, stoked the tiny embers of self-respect and esteem I had left. There was recently a huge night out that nearly everyone we knew went out to, but I stayed home. I haven't really enjoyed going out for a long time, as I feel like people are constantly laughing at the fat bloke. Last time I was out with my housemate, we were talking at the bar, and some bloke walks up and interposes himself between us, ostensibly "rescuing" her from the attentions of the ugly bastard. At the same time though being at home when you know everyone else is out having fun is pretty depressing as well. She texted me saying I should come out and join them, but I couldn't bring myself to go, I managed to concince myself that they didn't really want me there, they were just being polite knowing full well I'd never take them up on the offer.
So after that pathetic wall of text, I ask you PA, what can I do to stop being so depressed? I'd really really rather not go to a therapist or anything, as that compounds further embarrasment on top of everything else, and is much harder to hide. I also have a real hang-up about actually asking for help in any fashion.
This post doesn't count. :P
Finally, in case anyone reads that and wonders, perhaps rightly so; No. I have never considered suicide in any fashion, and there is no risk that I would. My life might kinda suck, but even a sucky life is better than no life at all.
Aikens on
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Some advice that can be taken in no random order:
I had a friend in AA and their motto is "fake it till you make it". So pretend to be happy. Ape what other people are doing.
Listen to Christopher Titus. That dude has had a way more fucked up life then you or me or anyone and he turned out pretty good. My thought is, "If he turned out ok with that much shit, then I know I can do better."
If you're the Fat Bloke, then be the Jolly Fat Bloke. Learn a lot of jokes and one liners so that you can throw something out there and let people you're there. (This is different from the first option in that you're trying to grab some spotlight instead of the stage lighting.)
I was clinically depressed myself and I still have the occasional bout every now and again. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist though. I mean, I don't but that's because they are expensive on this side of the pond and generally not covered by most health care plans. It's actually not that different from posting/talking about things here except that it's more expensive, but like most things, you get a better quality product (advice) with the higher cost/price.
What helped me a lot was joining the military and getting out there and forcing myself to meet new people. I made friends with a really nice neighbor when I was stationed overseas and she really got me out of my shell and made me feel good about myself. Yeah, she was hot and people were constantly hitting on her the entire time, but hey, she was a stripper and that was to be expected.
Well you are definitely making some positive steps - working on weight loss is a great thing, also you've started to analyse what you want in this life and why you are so far off base.
So I have a question for you.
Why do you think you are overweight?
It's obviously a simple question, but when thinking about where you want to be in this life (ie happy, which would probably involve some fun friends, a reasonably active social life and a weight you deem acceptable), you'll need to understand where you have been.
Weight is holding you back, but its a symptom of other difficulties.
Depression is a tough issue, but I think its not as bad you think; what if you were the weight you wanted to be? Would you still have self esteem issues? Or maybe I should rephrase - would your self esteem issues stop you from answering that girl's text and saying "ok, i'll come out!".
So trace back your steps - how did you get this way? Where do you want to go? How are you going to get there? Put these things in their proper order, and I think you'll start to feel much better, especially once you plot out your goals, because then you'll be empowering yourself - a feeling which massively helps combat depression.
A mental health professional of some sort will be able to tell you for sure what you have, and will give you a plan to fix it. If by further embarrasment you mean you think people will look down on you for going to a therapist, they can just fuck off. You recognize you have problems, and a therapist is the best way to fix those problems.
I'll just add this personal note: I doubt I would be nearly as happy today if I hadn't seen someone about social anxiety disorder. I'd never be able to identify exactly what was wrong and how to fix it without the extra help.
You sir, are an introvert. This isn't a bad thing at all. Extroverts, for example, run their ideas completely off what the outside world gives them. That's not bad either, but they pretty much just go off the cuff. What introverts do is they take those outside... stimuli you might call it, and internalize it. They basically run it through a lens of how they see the world. In some ways this is awesome! It means that you take people and their responses to you inside. You think about what's behind those responses and act on that.
The problem with being in introvert is that if your "lens" is one which views you negatively, you will automatically think other people view you negatively. So, when the girl didn't hug you after everyone else, you AUTOMATICALLY take that as some sort of affront, or subconscious sign that she thinks you're disgusting. That wasn't it at all. Maybe she was put off in some way, maybe she just felt like a hug-slut, or didn't know you as well as everyone else. In any case, it doesn't warrant you feeling like shit because some chick didn't hug you.
Basically, what you're doing is judging yourself FOR other people without knowing what they actually think. Anyone else would go, "Oh, no hug? Ok. Whatev." but you went "She doesn't like me because she didn't hug me like she did everyone else."
Another example is the guy who "rescued" your roommate. This is another example of internalizing things too much. You should not have come away with "This guy thinks I'm an ugly bastard." What you should have come away with is "This guy is a fucking douche, where does he get off cutting in like that?" Which is pretty much how an extrovert would see it. Because the guy was acting a-douche. Honestly, for all you know you could be a great-looking guy and he would've done the same thing. Because he's an asshole.
I'm going to chime in what others are sure to: Exercise. You might not want to shed weight, and that's fine. But a few reasons why it's a good idea: Endorphans. They make you feel good. Control over your body is another big one. If you can control your eating, or your body image, then your feelings about yourself will improve, and so will your ability to control negative thoughts.
That was the kicker for me. I lost weight and gained self-confidence as a result. I'm still a pretty shy guy, and sure I would think it was fucked up if I got left out of a hug-a-thon, but I won't let someone else's actions bother me.
The only thing you can control is your actions. Work to make those actions ones you are satisfied with. An example is this: You went to see that girl. Not knowing her, she seems like a fucking nutso bitch, but that's me. Honestly, if you cross a fucking ocean to see someone just for them to tell you they didn't want you there - you should not be taking her calls, not the other way around. If she'd do that to you over something huge like that...well I'd say you lucked out, man. She rejected you; that happened. But if you could go and fly across an ocean to be there for someone and they reject you practically out of hand... well the problem isn't with you. You did your best and you should not feel like shit for it.
What some people would say is that you need to learn to switch off. I know better. I'm the same way - I know that you can't stop analyzing, thinking, and feeling no matter what. Hardness shatters; strength endures. You have to stop paying attention to the negative stuff in your life and look at the positive stuff. If there isn't much positive stuff, then work to turn that around. You have to find enough confidence in yourself to stop beating yourself up over little shit, and even big shit, and let it slide off your back. You have friends, good friends, who want to hang out with you. LOTS of people can't say that. Don't let anything get in the way of that.
It takes training and a conscious effort, but it's worth it.
Yes some assholes may make fun of you, but they're assholes and they'd make fun of you if you were too skinny, or short, or tall, or whatever.
I think you should start volunteering somewhere if you can't get the therapy you need. It will take your mind off your self in a positive and constructive way, not just turning it off with video games.
But if you still don't want to do that then, apart from exercise, socialise. If you have hobbies apart from games then find local clubs and societies dedicated to them. Or try taking up a new hobby by joining a group or learning a new skill by taking an evening class. Someone mentioned volunteering, thats another good one. Basically do things that will give you a sense of accomplishment, will let you meet new people and realise that they value you for who you are and aren't just taking pity on you and, perhaps most importantly, do things that mean you aren't sitting at home beating yourself up over how miserable you are. Just bear in mind that while these things will make you feel better about yourself and are important to do, they won't be addresing the underlying cause of your problems.
Also is somone asks you to come out for a drink then their ulterior motive for doing it is that THEY ENJOY YOUR COMPANY AND WANT YOU TO COME OUT FOR A DRINK. Seriously, stop over-analysing things and take them for what they are.
I'm pretty sure improving your life if your currently unhappy with it also falls under the category of things you can do.
Therapy is always a good option. Losing that weight is a good option, the fitness thread here in H/A is full of people who can give you good nutrition and exercise advice. Losing weight really is not that hard if you're willing to do what it takes in term of how you eat. Many people don't have that strength of will, but it's something that most have to develop, so you might as well start trying.
Yeah, but that advice is kind of void by default in 99.99% of depressed people. Depressed people are not energetic, ambitious, and doing stuff which further feeds causes for depression. The specifics can matter though, if you're really depressed because you're completely broke then going to school and getting a good job can fix it, but most of the times depression causes are not that simple.
The point is that you don't really have any idea what the exact situation is with this guy, and as a matter of course it's always a bad idea to tell people who need help that an option is unrealistic because it is improbable. That's up for him to figure out, not you.
The good news is that once you get the ball rolling it will start to take care of itself. When you go out now you view yourself as the fat unattractive guy with no social skills. People take cues from how you carry yourself and treat you accordingly. If/ when you drop the weight and start feeling better about yourself, that will show, and it will greatly improve the interactions you have with everyone.
I disagree, saying something is unrealistic because it's improbable is in no way incorrect.
Really you get two luxuries out of it, the first is you get to bitch and complain to somebody who you're paying to listen, and it's hard to imagine how nice that really is until you experience it. The 2nd is you hopefully have someone who is an unbiased third party who will interject thoughtful points to your bitching and call you out when you're weaseling out of stuff, as well as give you goals to work towards and remind you of your progress. It's kind of like having a life coach in some ways.
I know you don't want to do that OP, but from what you've wrote, you're facing a hard battle, and there's no reason you should be forced to do it on your own. Friends and family obviously is a good substitute, but it's very hard to get that kind of unbiased, objective opinion from a friend or family.
I have very mild (but disconcerting) depression. I refuse to get professional help.
I also understand that if I wasn't such a depressed and stubborn asshole I would be a lot happier.
Therapy is really the only answer. Talk to a professional.
I said it's a bad idea, not that it's incorrect. Learn to read.
Also be aware that it sounds like you're projecting your own self-image into the way people interact with you. That girl who shook your hand instead of hugging you is very likely responding to your body language and not your body itself. No one wants to hug someone who doesn't think they deserve a hug, because they look super awkward about the prospect and no one wants to do something they think you're uncomfortable with.
You're doing the same thing with the friends who invite you out; assuming they must think of you the same way you do and their invitations must be insincere. A much more likely explanation is they care about you and want you to have some fun once in a while instead of sitting at home by yourself while they go out.