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wherein my sex life has become way too entangled with my friendships
howdreadful
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Anonymous account for the usual reasons. As a preface, I'm a bisexual college-age guy.
A couple of years ago I met a girl, we'll call her A, and we immediately hit it off. I wanted to date her, but she was on a "dating hiatus". So, a friendship developed instead and we're at the point now that we consider each other best friends. We share everything with each other, blah blah blah. We have a mutual attraction, so this has also been a sexual relationship, though it is relatively infrequent as we don't want it to be the center of our friendship. It's been this way for a couple of years and no drama has ever come of it, but I think it's taken an emotional toll on me. I've never been able to completely get over her, perhaps as a result of the sex. She is well aware of this - we have no secrets between us. She is fine with it since she still has some latent attraction to me, she just doesn't think that we should date because it could hurt our friendship (which I agree with - I don't want to date her). I'm not certain that sex is the reason though, since I maintain several genuine friendships that have some sex on the side and there's never been any issues with being attracted to friends that I used to be attracted to or them being attracted to me, etc. I should mention that I am definitely not polyamorous - it's just that myself and the people I tend to end up friends with usually have a less restrictive definition of friendship than most people. Also, ever since I met A neither of us have dated anyone.
I'll cut to the chase. A has always had a crush on one of my housemates, a guy who we will call B, who is also a very good friend of mine. She hardly knew him, but she got the opportunity at a party a couple of months ago. They quickly became fuck buddies. I was pretty emotionally distraught over this, but I know that I have no rational reason to be. While she has been (mostly) exclusive to me, I have several sexual relationships. It became apparent to me that I am still attracted to her enough to become jealous. Eventually, she began to think that he was just using her for sex, so she avoided him for awhile, but he eventually told her that he actually really likes her and is interested in dating. This made A's feelings for him rush back, and now she is considering dating him.
In a normal situation I'd have the emotional maturity to just let things happen. This time is different, though. Both A and B are really good friends of mine. A is perhaps too good of a friend. She cares an awful lot about how I feel and it kills her that this has gotten me so upset, which of course upsets me even more since I can't help that I'm upsetting her, and then that gets her upset too, etc. It's a neverending spiral of misery. She has essentially left the decision of whether they will date up to me. I don't know what the right thing to do is. This whole thing has already upset my friendship with B a lot (he knows about this whole mess as well I should add), and I think if they started dating it would hurt my friendship with both of them, as well as being rather awkward. She likes B a LOT, but also claims she'd be happy whether or not she is dating him.
From a completely selfish point of view, saying "no, don't date him" is clearly the best choice. On the other hand, I feel like I've arbitrarily been granted power over my friend's love life just because I happen to be her best friend. I know B will be pretty upset if they end up not dating, though I know A would be fine. However, its also possible that I'd just be delaying the inevitable. Just like I am having a really hard time getting over A, she might never be able to get over B.
Further confounding factors:
B is graduating and moving across the country to California in a few months. Neither are interested in anything long distance, so this would almost certainly be a short term relationship. Myself and A still have another year and half before we graduate, but we both have postgraduation plans that involve most likely moving to California.
A has also been casually dating another guy that she likes. I am completely fine with them becoming "official" - I've never met the guy and don't intend to, and A prefers to keep all of her groups of friends separate so it would never happen. I'm just really uncomfortable with her dating B since I live with the guy. A and myself are practically attached at the hip and it's already been really awkward since he avoids us when I'm with her (and they've completely avoided hanging out together my place at all).
Finally, I think A and B dating would probably force myself to develop some more emotional maturity, even though it would probably be rather painful at first.
So, what do I do PA?
tl;dr My best friend who I am still attracted to wants to date another one of my good friends who I live with, and she is giving me the option to decide whether or not they will.
A couple of years ago I met a girl, we'll call her A, and we immediately hit it off. I wanted to date her, but she was on a "dating hiatus". So, a friendship developed instead and we're at the point now that we consider each other best friends. We share everything with each other, blah blah blah. We have a mutual attraction, so this has also been a sexual relationship, though it is relatively infrequent as we don't want it to be the center of our friendship. It's been this way for a couple of years and no drama has ever come of it, but I think it's taken an emotional toll on me. I've never been able to completely get over her, perhaps as a result of the sex. She is well aware of this - we have no secrets between us. She is fine with it since she still has some latent attraction to me, she just doesn't think that we should date because it could hurt our friendship (which I agree with - I don't want to date her). I'm not certain that sex is the reason though, since I maintain several genuine friendships that have some sex on the side and there's never been any issues with being attracted to friends that I used to be attracted to or them being attracted to me, etc. I should mention that I am definitely not polyamorous - it's just that myself and the people I tend to end up friends with usually have a less restrictive definition of friendship than most people. Also, ever since I met A neither of us have dated anyone.
I'll cut to the chase. A has always had a crush on one of my housemates, a guy who we will call B, who is also a very good friend of mine. She hardly knew him, but she got the opportunity at a party a couple of months ago. They quickly became fuck buddies. I was pretty emotionally distraught over this, but I know that I have no rational reason to be. While she has been (mostly) exclusive to me, I have several sexual relationships. It became apparent to me that I am still attracted to her enough to become jealous. Eventually, she began to think that he was just using her for sex, so she avoided him for awhile, but he eventually told her that he actually really likes her and is interested in dating. This made A's feelings for him rush back, and now she is considering dating him.
In a normal situation I'd have the emotional maturity to just let things happen. This time is different, though. Both A and B are really good friends of mine. A is perhaps too good of a friend. She cares an awful lot about how I feel and it kills her that this has gotten me so upset, which of course upsets me even more since I can't help that I'm upsetting her, and then that gets her upset too, etc. It's a neverending spiral of misery. She has essentially left the decision of whether they will date up to me. I don't know what the right thing to do is. This whole thing has already upset my friendship with B a lot (he knows about this whole mess as well I should add), and I think if they started dating it would hurt my friendship with both of them, as well as being rather awkward. She likes B a LOT, but also claims she'd be happy whether or not she is dating him.
From a completely selfish point of view, saying "no, don't date him" is clearly the best choice. On the other hand, I feel like I've arbitrarily been granted power over my friend's love life just because I happen to be her best friend. I know B will be pretty upset if they end up not dating, though I know A would be fine. However, its also possible that I'd just be delaying the inevitable. Just like I am having a really hard time getting over A, she might never be able to get over B.
Further confounding factors:
B is graduating and moving across the country to California in a few months. Neither are interested in anything long distance, so this would almost certainly be a short term relationship. Myself and A still have another year and half before we graduate, but we both have postgraduation plans that involve most likely moving to California.
A has also been casually dating another guy that she likes. I am completely fine with them becoming "official" - I've never met the guy and don't intend to, and A prefers to keep all of her groups of friends separate so it would never happen. I'm just really uncomfortable with her dating B since I live with the guy. A and myself are practically attached at the hip and it's already been really awkward since he avoids us when I'm with her (and they've completely avoided hanging out together my place at all).
Finally, I think A and B dating would probably force myself to develop some more emotional maturity, even though it would probably be rather painful at first.
So, what do I do PA?
tl;dr My best friend who I am still attracted to wants to date another one of my good friends who I live with, and she is giving me the option to decide whether or not they will.
howdreadful on
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This is usually a cop out, or in the least not an honest assessment. Largely because friendships and relationships go hand in hand. Relationships and friendships can both end on the same terms and for the same reasons.
The problem you've presented is usually why it's a bad idea to get into a heavy relationship without clearly defined limitations/settings.
What can you do? Nothing. I don't think it's right for you to dictate who your friend can date simply because the two of you never acted on your feelings.
And of course she's going to be 'okay' with it, she's got nothing but perks. She gets a best friend, occasional sex and no conflicting feelings (that you know of.) It's also not fair for her to put the onus of her decision on you, because that's just selfish. She's deflecting responsibility.
I'm not sure what exactly your ideal conclusion is, here. Do you want to get over this girl? If so, having her date and be happy with someone you know would actually be your best bet. Having her date someone you've never met and have no intention of meeting will allow you to subconsciously label the situation as nonexistent. But if she's dating one of your good friends whom you live with, will see them together, will help you let go of those last threads of 'maybe' you seem to be hanging on to. You're afraid if she starts dating someone who makes her happy that you're going to lose her on some level. Best case scenario they get together, your relationship remains the same (aside from the sex) and your fears are dispelled.
Why would you even accept that burden in the first place? You deciding whether they hook up or not?
That is just silly.
If she wants to, let her pursue her own happiness without seeking the approval of a close friend.
I think you're exactly right. This is a lot to mull over. I do want to get over this girl and finally move on. Thanks for the dose of sanity.
I really don't think you were being honest with yourselves here, nor each other as a result.
From everything you posted, especially the above fact, it would be easy for you to have convinced yourself that you were dating. She may not have gotten the memo as it were, but I think you fooled yourself into thinking it. As others pointed out, having "other guys" who were not in your field of view was the same as you pulling the covers over your head so they didn't exist. Your other friend is someone you can't ignore, so you're forced to realize that you are not, in fact, dating this girl.
I think you need to have a sit down with yourself, and then her, to define what it is you want from both yourself and each other.
Do you want to date her? Then talk about it with her. See if she was just avoiding the subject because you never seemed to bring it up. "It will hurt our friendship" isn't a good enough reason at this point because it's already impacting it. If you just "ho mum" and let this all slide you may wind up resenting her and your other friend both.
If you talk about things and she decides she'd still rather be with your friend, then at least she knows your views on it and can adjust accordingly. (Like not rubbing all up on the guy while you're standing there watching them like someone just kicked you in the crotch)
We've had that conversation not long after we met each other and I think we've been in a happy equilibrium (I didn't like the setup for awhile, but I eventually became content). We've had the "should we date" conversation probably half a dozen times.
I can definitely buy that I've fooled myself into a lot of things. That's another reason this has been so hard for me - it's difficult to admit to myself that I am even capable of fooling myself. I've just never run into a situation where the rational side of me and the emotional side of me have been at such odds with each other.
I think this thread has convinced me that I should let things happen naturally. Now I just need to work up the guts to tell her that and then have the guts to not go hide in a bunker for the next six months.
Ok, so new plan. I still need to get over this girl. The above posters are definitely correct - I think A has subconsciously been in the girlfriend role for me for the past 2 years even if it hasn't been "official". What can I do? Should I make an effort to go back into the dating world? I've only made the most cursory of efforts in the past two years. It is too easy for me to make an excuse in this way, though, since I also have a big test to study for this spring (the physics GRE) and I have lofty goals. Is there another way? Maybe the emotional turmoil of today will finally get me out of this rut (I already know that I'm not completely over her - I had hoped that her dating B would be the final push I needed).
Every girl I've had to get over in the past I got over because they started dating someone else. That's the only way I know how to do it! I need some other ideas.
(sorry if this post is a little scatterbrained, I've been drinking)
EDIT: I probably should start seeing her less, but pushing away my best friend seems really harsh. I know that she would be understanding, though, until I think I'm truly done. We also ought to stop hooking up. While I am unsure whether that would actually change things, I don't see how it could hurt in the "getting over her" department.
Yes.
And, sadly, yes. The fact that you haven't made a real effort to date in the same period of time that A has been a close friend shows that you have been emotionally monogamous to her, which is not an easy bond to break.
Just sort it out with yourself, there is nothing nefarious or malicious going on here, they can both be very happy together, and it gives you the much needed opportunity to find another girl with nothing pulling you back
there's a really good reason people don't just bone their friends every once in a while, and you've essentially discovered it. You're obviously romantically attached to this person, and sooner or later she's going to start dating other people, since she's apparently uninterested in dating you. The fact that it happens to be your buddy that she wants to date makes it more awkward, but it wouldn't be very much better if she was just dating some random other guy.
(for that matter, put yourself in this hypothetical dude's shoes: how well would you take it if you met some girl and she said 'I want to date you but I also have this longterm male friend who I fuck occasionally')
In short, it's time to push the button.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Seriously... being fuck-buddies is the best way to make sure you NEVER get over romantic feelings for someone. Believe me, I'm well aware that is easier said than done, but if you can't manage to do that, then you'll never get back into the dating arena.
Now, if you can stay friends after that, so much the better, but if you can't stay friends without having sex, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship anyway. It'll be tough. There will be times when you're both horny as hell, and you end up in bed in spite of your best intentions, but if you really try, it'll happen less and less often. It also helps your resolve if you're dating someone else, because then you have that person's feelings to worry about too.