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"The One" (Not Matrix-related)
Penguin_Otaku
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Forumers. So I'm with a really fantastic girl, nothing wrong with her. She's awesome and more awesome.
And I'm not close to dropping to my knee and asking for her hand in marriage any time soon, but I was curious for those of you who have been engaged/are engaged/are married/were married... what made you ask or say yes? What was the "feeling" if you can put that into words or what were your reasons for saying yes?
Just a big question, not looking for any advice on should I propose or not but I'm curious since some friends have recently gotten engaged and I'm sure that day for me (Lord willing) will come some day.
Thanks. Merry Christmas.
And I'm not close to dropping to my knee and asking for her hand in marriage any time soon, but I was curious for those of you who have been engaged/are engaged/are married/were married... what made you ask or say yes? What was the "feeling" if you can put that into words or what were your reasons for saying yes?
Just a big question, not looking for any advice on should I propose or not but I'm curious since some friends have recently gotten engaged and I'm sure that day for me (Lord willing) will come some day.
Thanks. Merry Christmas.
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Seriously, I fell for a girl harder than ever. We had a great time for awhile, and joked (but kinda seriously) about marriage at such a stupid young age. Then I woke up and realized things weren't going so great. And I think this happens to 99% of people, unfortunately a lot of people are more impulsive and rush the marriage bit.
edit: But more to the point, I am interested in hearing from someone who has been married for more than, oh, say, five years without any major road bumps or reconsiderations. I don't trust people who were just married to give the best nor most accurate description of why saying "yes" was the right decision.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
I think I was just lucky that I found my perfect girl pretty early on. We have our first baby due in April.
We're also both really really really sarcastic about pretty much everything.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
That sounds a lot more romantic now with all of the back story. So, for you... what is the perfect girl? It's subjective and all but what made it so concrete? Obviously being together for so long might be an indication, but surely something about her makes you feel that way
Just a couple days ago my mother was over at the house talking about getting all this stuff ready for the baby. And both myself and my wife just kinda shrugged and went, "Meh..." at the same time.
My mom just stood there and looked at us for a second and said, "Wow... you two deserve eachother."
It's just the little things. And even after 7+ years of us being "together" I can still make her laugh to the point of nearly peeing her pants.
That's pretty much the things that stick mostly in my mind. The little funny events that happen.
Like the time we were walking in the mall and she just flat out walks straight in to a wall, and she doesn't think I see it happen and she just kinda plays it off like it didn't happen. Without even looking over at her I just go, "Um... did you just walk in to that wall?" and with a defeated voice she replies, "Dammit... I hoped you hadn't seen that."
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
And that's thing isn't it? You realize all you got for someone else is hormones and till the party is over because you just aren't willing to go the extra mile to work shit out when its time to learn how to live with each other's bad habits, quirks, assumptions, selfish desires and a million other things that get between friends, let alone lovers and family makers.
Just personally, my faith makes me feel like marriage is just something that is to be, but of course I grant that marriage to me even isn't confined to some license that says I'm married or having a big wedding/party to show my commitment to someone.
So I guess I just answered my question. Props.
She didn't snore till she got pregnant.
When it came time to buy a house and whatnot it just made sense to "make it official" for tax reasons, loan reasons, insurance reasons, etc. Regardless I'm sure we would have gotten married eventually but that was the catalyst that started the conversation.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
I'll say this--it needs to be a lot more than just butterflies in your stomach, "I'm in love!". It really needs to be a deep friendship as well--a person you're completely comfortable with. You're never going to see a person be as much their real self, on a daily basis, as your marriage partner.
It also takes a certain strength of character to be married, because nobody is perfect and there will be things that annoy you about anybody. You have to be able to deal with that and work to keep your relationship good even when things aren't ideal, because they won't always be.
What I'm trying to say is that a marriage is about the ability to sustain. Emotions don't sustain themselves; you can work to sustain them, but it can't work the other way around. Being "in love" can't carry you through years of living with somebody who drives you up the wall.
It seems to me that marrying somebody who you are very comfortable with, who you know deeply, makes things much easier. But there's no perfect compatibility... Every marriage takes work, and if you're not ready for that, you're not ready to be married.
I don't mean to diminish the emotional state of being in love too much. There's that too, and certainly my wife and I still have it. But it would be difficult to keep renewing that if my wife wasn't also my best friend, my closest confidante, and the person I'm most comfortable with in the world.
One night we were sitting around, talking about plans for the future. It suddenly came to mind that I could not see a future for me without her in it.
So I popped the question right then and there, no ring or anything.
My parents got engaged after like 3 months. Been married just a hair under 30 years.
I finally found my one and it's easy for me to talk about it with her, doesn't feel rushed or anything and its only been 3 months. There is just a connection, you can be your real self around the person and like shorn said, if you can't see your self in the future with out that person.
Everyone's feelings will be different based on your relationship but you'll know. I've dated plenty of girls and none have ever even made me think about marriage until now. It just hits you and was pretty damn obvious to me!
That's the best reason to get married. Insurance. Insurance and taxes.
I had been with Emma for three years before I proposed and we had been living together for a year and a half.
First I became sure that I never wanted to leave her, then I waited to get older and be sure.
The nice thing about proposing is that there is really no timeline. We were living together, we had joint bank accounts. If the relationship was going to last there was no reason not to wait a little while. Then, when we did get married it was just a formalization of the de facto status of our relationship.
I think some people make a mistake by buidling up marriage too much as a step in the relationship. You don't take things to the next level by getting married. You keep on having the same relationship you had before. Being committed totally to being with this one person is really something that should have been done internally long before any kind of ceremony.
Marriage is great, it does a lot of cool things for you, but what it doesn't do is fundamentally alter your relationship with your significant other. It doesn't change you or them in any significant way.
My experience exactly.
Some backstory - she asked me out on a date in April of my last year of highschool. I said "Yeah, I can do that" - brilliant response. Went away to college and kept seeing each other every chance we got. Two years later she came to University to be with me, and in my fourth year we moved in together.
I realized I wanted to marry her almost immediately after college, we discussed it and both agreed that some other time would be better - like when we could afford it. We became an item financially, emotionally, physically - did almost everything together, made a joint bank account, paid each other's bills and truly became best friends. When you share everything with someone, it just made sense to us to get married, and celebrate our lives together with friends.
At that point I was in it for the long haul - we were married last September in a beautiful outdoor chapel thingy and we even managed to poke fun at each other in our individually written vows. I believe I promised to help get her things of the top shelf for the rest of my life...
It's a pretty simple decision for me, and not a lot is going through my head about it. I guess to me it's a lot like Shadow's philosophy. When you know.. You know.
I've been with this girl for a whopping 3 months, but since we met we have literally been together practically every day. Every time I look at her I just can't think about having a life without her. I love her so much, and I just know she's who I want to spend my life with. And I know she feels the same way. That girl would do anything for me, and I her.
We just have that chemistry you know? Everyone we know always talks about how perfect we are for each other, since we're almost the same person. We have a lot of the same interests, we banter back and forth all the time, and even though we've been together every day since we met there's never any shortage of good conversation.
But I guess to put it simply, I'm asking her because every time I look at her I get all mushy inside. She makes me happy, too happy to ever want to let her go.
Wish me luck though... Kind of a nervous wreck at work over here :S.
When I proposed it was pretty much a done deal, I was still a nervous wreck (but acting super cool and suave) no matter how long you've been together it's still a pretty big leap of faith.
Thats like my relationship too...
It's a sure thing because we talk about it all the time, but still will be a xanax worthy moment rofl.
Before my current fiancee I've only been in two serious relationships. One when I was 15 - 17 and another when I was 18 - 20. Both ended pretty badly, so for the next five years I did the college/bachelor/guy thing and just kinda slept around. I'd start a relationship and the moment it would become rocky I'd abandon it. If it were not me then the other party would end it.
So, basically, my life for five years was not having a very trusting relationship with women simply because I was burned and because I didn't have the effort to put up with the requirements for a relationship. I think it was basically when I started seeing behavior in women that reminded me of the two tumultuous relationships I had, then I'd simply lose interest.
I was also pretty wild and crazy for a few years straight and got into some things that I shouldn't have, which drove some women away.
Anyway.
As for my current fiancee, I ended up having to "fight" for her. We started casually dating for a month or so. She had a boyfriend but was in an abusive relationship, but like many people in that situation she was having trouble letting it go. At about the second month we started getting serious and the question of that boyfriend started coming up. I had reached the point where it was going to come down to "him or me". She knew that point was coming because we had a few heated discussions about it. I had warned her in the beginning that she was gonna fall in love with me and she did not believe me.
I never had to give the ultimatum.
Roughly six months after that we were engaged. I trust her, and she's done pretty much everything either in my best interest, or in "our" best interest. We're best friends. We do everything together because we tend to think alike. We like the same video games. We like the same movies. We have the same sense of humor. We can listen to a piece on NPR and then discuss it and while we disagree sometimes, often we pretty much share the same opinion.
Do we fight? Occasionally. We'll both get on each others nerves from time to time which will result in her barking at me to leave her alone and me responding in kind. But the good thing, the thing that makes this relationship unique to me, is that that can happen and neither of us hold a grudge. We'll do our own thing for an hour or so. She'll watch TV while I read in the other room, and then largely we'll be back to normal when we sit down together again.
So it kinda boiled down to the pluses outdoing the minuses. We're both human. We both screw up from time to time. But there are things important about each of us to each of us that negates those things. She's unique enough to me that when she does things "that all women do".
Figured if I was gonna get married, I might as well get married to someone that I kinda fit well with. Every one constantly talks about how we simply gel together, how we are so much alike.
Figured it was the thing to do.
There kinda was no proposal. We had basically mutually decided to get married. Which I think is another "good sign". I mean, when two people are thinking that they should get married at the same time, that alludes to a mental connection. So I order a ring and I had planned on a romantic evening and I'd propose and all that. The ring was delivered to my parents and while we were there they kinda just looked at me and said that I should just go ahead and give it to her. So I did. We were officially engaged while just hanging out at my parents. Laid back. Just how I wanted it. Though I did bend down on one knee when we got back to the apartment.
As anecdotal as it is, I've always found the completely pristine "Never ever ever argue" marriages kinda creepy and completely few and far between.
The close knit marriages where the couples argue from time to time but make up have outlasted the ones I know of where it simply seemed like a situation of convenience, where both partners largely maintained their independence and didn't seem to care for a cohesive living environment. One of the two always ended up either cheating, or divorcing due to simple unhappiness.
Now, I have a sooort of related question. Spawnbroker and I have been dating for a little over 4 months now, I would say we're past the infatuation stages, and I can honestly say that we love each other very very much.
But, we never fight. Like....never ever. Not because we're hiding things and avoiding confrontation (we've actually had several conversations about communication, and the importance of it, so we're on the same page here), we just genuinely get along really well, and have similar outlooks, views, and ideals. Now, we haven't even gotten remotely annoyed with eachother yet. Is it really possible to be this compatible with someone else while truly being 100% your self?
It kind of freaks me out (in a good way, as this is rare to me!)
Edit: I know there WILL be arguments in the future, don't get me wrong. I'm being realistic about this, and everything, but we've never been in a relationship where things mesh so damn well together.
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Of course it's possible.
I don't "fight" ever with my partner. I can count on one hand the times in the last 5 years when we even raised our voices (then again, we're both New Englanders- we don't raise our voices).
That doesn't mean that we don't get annoyed or upset with each other, we just generally are good about brushing it off or using it constructively.
99% of the time is how you described it, Alyce. Rare is the day we're at odds.
Wait it out. The issue could simply be trying to please the other person still and it will tire out. But I could very well be wrong. But the other thing could be that you two have been in so many relationships that you know/understand people have faults and aren't going to make it a big issue.
Or you're not in a full-time masters program while also working full-time and are at breaking point everytime you come home
In reality, what actually makes a mairrage work is the willingness to work at it if things go wrong. You can marry the person who is best for you in the whole world, and it will all be ruined if you don't work hard, and marry the least matched person ever and things will be perfect in their odd way providing you keep thinking about it.
At the same time, the quality of a match is, alongside social pressure and your own strength of character, part of what determines how much work you're willing to put into a relationship.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
As for the "feeling"; I just got to a point where I couldn't imagine my life without her in it. Just straight up, could not conceive of it. She was that important to me.
They tried to bury us. They didn't know that we were seeds. 2018 Midterms. Get your shit together.
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But man, I've grown to love bickering.
They tried to bury us. They didn't know that we were seeds. 2018 Midterms. Get your shit together.
People don't appreciate this, but it is a pretty good thing.
I don't really understand that. If it is a marriage grade relationship it isn't going to disappear if you wait a while. Let the crazy in love hormones die down just to be sure you are really really okay for the long haul.
If you think for some reason the relationship is going to disappear if you don't get married, that is a big big red flag.
Sometimes it's a pragmatic choice, like if one of you has insurance and the other doesn't.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation