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Moving on... twice
Magus`
The fun has been DOUBLED!Registered User regular
The fun has been DOUBLED!Registered User regular
I'd been in a long distance relationship for over 3 years and am just about to complete by bi-yearly visiting of the GF.
As the title might show you, it hasn't gone well and we've decided that it's over. This is hard enough on me as it's my first relationship and trying to look forward to stuff in the future is very hard.
The second part, which makes it even worse, is that I had started to notice the 'signs' that it might end and in this time I befriended the sister of my GF, and she talked me through some of the times when I was down and my GF wasn't or couldn't be there for me.
During the trip I got closer to the sister (as the GF refused to ask time off for work, leaving me stranded in a giant house with her family, who are nice people, BTW) and dammit all if I haven't fallen for her.
Now, before you go "You're rebounding." I was slowly falling for her (I wouldn't admit it to myself) long before me and my GF broke up. However, I'm not stupid and I know there is no relationship possibility here, but for some reason it really pains me to see the sister with whatever guy she'll end up with. So basically I lost one and I feel like I'm losing another and it's like a knife straight to the heart.
I think it'll help me to get back to my own house, but right now I am hurting so much that I can barely think. Is there anything, even short-term, that I can do while I try to find something more stable (like therapy)?
Sorry if that was poorly worded.
As the title might show you, it hasn't gone well and we've decided that it's over. This is hard enough on me as it's my first relationship and trying to look forward to stuff in the future is very hard.
The second part, which makes it even worse, is that I had started to notice the 'signs' that it might end and in this time I befriended the sister of my GF, and she talked me through some of the times when I was down and my GF wasn't or couldn't be there for me.
During the trip I got closer to the sister (as the GF refused to ask time off for work, leaving me stranded in a giant house with her family, who are nice people, BTW) and dammit all if I haven't fallen for her.
Now, before you go "You're rebounding." I was slowly falling for her (I wouldn't admit it to myself) long before me and my GF broke up. However, I'm not stupid and I know there is no relationship possibility here, but for some reason it really pains me to see the sister with whatever guy she'll end up with. So basically I lost one and I feel like I'm losing another and it's like a knife straight to the heart.
I think it'll help me to get back to my own house, but right now I am hurting so much that I can barely think. Is there anything, even short-term, that I can do while I try to find something more stable (like therapy)?
Sorry if that was poorly worded.
Magus` on
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A relationship of mine - a long distance, no less - ended in almost the same way. And basically there isn't anything that will quickly get over it. Ignore anyone who swaggers into this thread and suggests a rebound fuck, because that's an awful idea when you're in this state.
Just grieve for the relationship, don't call her, don't email her, and you'll get over it eventually. Also keep in mind that it's only your first relationship. Only one in a million people will, say, marry their first relationship and even then it won't necessarily work out. You might have tons of girlfriends ahead of you, maybe just one more. Either way, there are other people out there.
Also keep in mind that since it's long distance, you won't have to worry about bumping into your ex. She's not there, and she won't be. And when she lives that far away and you see her that little (bi yearly??) your life probably won't even change that much. Continue with your routine and let yourself heal.
As for the other girl...continue to emphasise logic in your own mind. You can't have her. It's not going to happen. You clearly connected, though, and so you'll still have a friend at the end of it. If it'll acheive some closure, possibly consider telling her just so she can turn you down. That's something that has helped me get over helpless crushes, because even when you're certain it won't happen, without their actual 'no' there's a tiny part of you that hopes and believes it will.
In surmation: This was your first relationship! Hang in there, and let yourself heal. You'll be fine.
www.rockmidgets.com
As an added precaution: Erase her number from your phone, block her from your messenger, unadd her from your myspace or whatever, and delete her from your email contact list.
Anything that may put you in contact with her or remind you of her, get rid of it.
Distance and time heal everything.
Forget about the sister. It's just going to be too much drama, and the payoff could be a trip to a daytime talk show akin to Maury.
So don't.
Youll get over it, the first one is always the hardest, but you'll get through.
I am going through something eerily similar (and will probably be making a post later about it). We keep talking, and are trying to be friends immediately and IT DOESNT WORK. We wont talk for 3 or 4 days and Ill make progress in getting through it and then we'll talk, then be nasty, then fight and get off the phone and it wrecks me all over again.
Realize that it really is over. It is suprising how fast you can move forward when you let yourself let go of the relationship and the dream associated with it. Don't let yourself feel guilty about feeling better/moving on either, it is an easy trap to fall into.
As for what you can do; stay busy, I find myself most miserable when I have lots of time to just sit and brood. Go see friends, see a movie, get lost in a book, go for a drive, throw yourself at school/work, take on a project, excersie. Regading therapy: wait a bit, but if you find yourself staying depressed you should go see someone. Most schools or large companies have people you can initially have a few visits with for free.
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www.rockmidgets.com
As for the sister, I've been talking to her and I think we can reach some sort of thing that will allow us to continue being good friends, cause I really need that right now.
As for therapy, I have what is basically social (or maybe even general) anxiety disorder that flairs up at quite frankly the oddest times. I've been on meds (Paxil) for a long time and they no longer seem to work, so before I decide to hop onto another drug, I thought I'd take a friends advice and just talk and see if there isn't some huge underlying problem.
Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
But seriously, moving from one semi-serious/serious relationship to another, even if you know it's falling apart, is more finding a new dependency. You just need something to fill the void your girlfriend left when she wasn't around to see you, and whenever you made the effort there was her sister.
This is a rebound. It doesn't matter how you want to twist it to say it's not a rebound, if in the absence of a relationship you develop a new one, it's a rebound. Sorry.
Theres a lot of different forms of rebounding but everyone does it in their own special way. Personally, I usually become borderline anti-social and play some MMO for like 2 months, 10 hours a day, until I lose interest and need to find something new to do.
This is how I cope. Figure out how you cope. Whatever you think would be best for you is probably the right answer. An ending relationship is a great time to try something new to improve the way you feel about yourself. Hitting the gym, going out partying, or forming a new relationship. Anything is fair game.
She feels like she did something wrong because now she has her own void to fill. This comes down to how you feel about the situation because the worst relationships are pity relationship. As for befriending her sister, I wouldn't advise doing this but it's your call. Even though you may not want a relationship with her, she may not be on the same page. There are about 3 billion other lucky ladies you can pick from.
Take the bull by the horns. Just do what you want to do. If you make a bad choice learn from it and don't do it again.
As for therapy, save your money. People are so over-medicated in this day and age they can't just figure out how they want to live their life without a drive of normality. Everyone is different, and everyone wants to be normal.
For what it's worth the first time I ever went to a counselor was about a month after I got dumped by a girl. I had a pretty rough go of trying to get over her and accept that it was over, among other things. The whole situation was a straw that broke the camels back kind of thing. Regardless it was a helpful experience for me and I am better off for having done that.
Point is, if you feel counseling may help, then try it, huge problem, little problem, whatever, it doesn't matter. Always look out for yourself and sometimes it's easiest to do that by talking to a professional.
Also in terms of your girlfriend wondering if she did the wrong thing, I would suggest being a bit weary. It sounds a little bit like your hoping she'll realize she made a mistake and will reconcile with you. Long distance relationships can be hard things for people to go through, because quite frankly you want to be physically near the person you care about. The distance may end up adding too much stress for your relationship with her to thrive, so watch out for yourself.
Maybe pick up a new hobby or maybe put some more passion into one of your existing hobbies to help take your mind off her. And this is a bit cheesy, but I find reading Paulo Coellho's books help my mental make up, particularily "the Alchemist" and "Warriors of Light". They are pretty cliche, but you know sometimes that's what the situation calls for.
And good friends are good, call them up because that's what friends are for. Though maybe be a bit careful with the sister as she seems to be in the middle of your situation here. Unless you have absolutely all your stuff resolved with sis, you may just be putting yourself in a position to get burned.
This is a long distance relationship right? How did you guys pull together? Was she your girlfriend before you moved to college? Are you two on the same state? Did you meet her on the internet?
I adviced against talking to her, because youre still hurting, you still care about her. Talking to her and not being able to tell her that you love her it's going to suck. Seriously suck. Hearing her voice and knowing that you're never going to see that face again (because frankly there is no reason for you to keep going back if you're not together anymore, trust me)
I would go with the "deleting her from your life" approach, because it's the easy way out. The easy way is the smart way, and the better way for you.
edit: I "write with too many quotations"
I wouldn't do that man. In order to let the relationship die its natural death, you need to cut off all contact for a period of time. Not doing so is essentially doing the "doctor in medical drama pounding on chest of dead person unable to accept that theres nothing more to be done" routine.
Also, seriously, consoling the girl who dumped you because she feels bad is not going to do anything positive for your mental health. You don't owe her anything.
I'd advise keeping some distance from the sister as well. To do otherwise is just inviting all sorts of drama, and you don't exactly sound like you need that right now.
As for the social anxiety disorder, are you or have you been doing anything besides taking meds to deal with that? Whether its a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist, working with some sort of mental health professional might be a good idea. You might want to look into to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
In closing I'll say this: This is going to hurt, and its going to hurt for a while. You have to accept that. It will also get easier over time. Its a cliche, but its a true one.
I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm just trying to make things less edgy for everyone.
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I think part of it is that not only was I her boyfriend but also her closest/best friend. I've heard from several friends from varying backgrounds that cutting contact off completely is truly the best way to heal and to come back as friends later is something to be hoped though not always the case. I guess I want to make it less painful for her, but I don't know how. I'm not really sure if I'm looking for advice, but more so I probably just need to sort out my own feelings before I talk to her again.
Oh right, I actually also wanted to know how things turned out out for Magus'.
I still talk to the sister, off and on and I like to think we have a healthy enough friendship.
The break-up was a lot easier for the ex because she already had her sights on another guy (which she mentioned endlessly during the last month of our relationship, much to my ire). I haven't found anyone, though I'd like to think I will sometime.
So, in closing I've basically gotten a bit better, but I'm far from great. I don't think I've ever dealth with something this painful in my life and I hope I never have to again.
We're different because I WANT her to feel the pain I do, instead of snuggling with her new 'better' BF. =/
Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
Heh. I don't think we'd be so different if my ex was already with another guy... I feel like there's that grace period between serious relationships where it's a gesture of respect for the other person if you hold off from a relationship for X amount of time.
But I wish you the best, lots of fish in the sea.
Aye, if the girl's with another guy the next day, odds are she was fooling around on you anyway.
1. That's not really helping.
2. I doubt it. I'm sure she was probably fooling around with him the day AFTER we broke up, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be doing it during.
Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
If you think about it....it really is kinda messed up she did this to you. Then again, this is what happens with most long distance relationships. I had a few myself when I was younger and all of them turned out with the person either cheating on me, or me suspecting said cheatings due to lack of interest in talking to me....not being online/home as much. You -need- someone to be near you....they just don't work generally.
You have to pop back out into the world and find someone new (and closer!) for yourself. Don't go into this thinking it is going to be a rebound...and it wont be. Meet some people, get to know them, and after you connect with them over a little while then you can try and date. I connot stress friendship enough when it comes to dating. If you are friends before you date, it can be that much more fun when you are around them!
Also, stay friends with the sister if you think it is a good friendship. I wouldn't advise calling to talk to her...more of an online sort of thing. Shouldn't cause too much drama if you stay away from the house and do not call.
Relationships are rough when they go bad. You'll get through it.
Now, I never wanted to hear this in the first place and now that I have I literally feel like the emotional center in my brain has snapped. I literally can't feel anything right now. I do feel terrible however.
What can I do before I fall asleep? I'm really torn up here.
Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
Not to give you false hope, but part of it may be an act because she doesnt want to let other people know she is unhappy.
The much more likely part is that she really does think she is super happy. If that's the case, be glad that all this shit came now, and not later. Not after you had put another year into the relationship, or after you had been seriously thinking/working towards marriage. I know its hard and doesnt seem like it now, but consider her breaking up with you now instead of later to be something of a favor.
Something to do before going to bed? I personally found that reading helped me a lot, but that is because I easily get caught up in books. I also watched up to Season 3 of Battlestar Galactica inside of 2 weeks. If neither of those things sound like they would work for you, do something mindless, where you dont think about things. If you can afford the time, you might just have to stay up and distract yourself until you pass out for a night or two.
Problem is they both work with me. I have to hear them both all happy while I am miserable at my desk. The other day she came in with one of his t-shirts on and called her roommate to see if he could feed the cats. It hurts, so so bad. You never want to be second to anyone, especially when you still have feelings for this girl.
I guess what I'm trying to say man, is this is just a part of life. What can you do, turn back time? Trust me I have thought about how glorious that would be to go back to the first few months of the relationship. The time that they are experiencing now, the reason for their happiness. But you can't, just remember that this is not the last relationship you are ever going to be in. And you're next one will be even better! Try to find someone close to you so you can form a real bond with that person (not to say your bond wasn't real, but bi-yearly meetings?).
Hell, you are lucky that it was a long distance relationship. I lived with my ex, I've seen her at least 8 hours a day 5 days a week for over a year and a half at our job. I have so many god damn memories run through my head every day. But you know what, nostalgia is a bitch and only allows us to remember the good times, never the bad.
Just remember man, this is your first relationship! You didn't even see this person every day, every week, every month but twice a year! And you *YOU* started to have feelings for her SISTER DURING THE END of the relationship. YOU were done with this. All you are feeling now is jealousy because you think this guy is better for her than you. You can't know that. The end of relationships are VASTLY different then the beginning of relationships. You should see my ex-girlfriends blog posts from the beginning of our relationship compared to the end. At the beginning she practically worships me and at the end I don't even get a mention at all. So right now she may be happy with this new guy, so be it. It's natural for the beginning of the relationship to be great. I can almost promise you that this won't last for them and then the next guy will be "the greatest time of her life". I dunno if that helps, but don't feel bad. You didn't lose, this just frees you up to pursue other options.
Seriously though, try to find a girl in your area.
Her sister has actually been very comforting (in the talking sense) so I see that relationship lasting a long time.
My ex has turned into some cold-hearted bitch in the last couple of months and I actually sort of feel better now that I'm no longer dating her. I mean, I still hurt, but like at least now I feel that I wouldn't like her anyhow, even if we weren't broke up.. if that makes sense.
Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
I'm.. not? I even pointed it out.
Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
Maybe I'm reading into something that isn't there, but I hardly think my admonition is totally baseless.
Yeah, I'm attracted to her. I'm attracted to a lot of girls. It just so happens she's fun to talk to, that's all.
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