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Relationship advice appreciated...
Alterrific
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Ok here's the backstory:
I just recently started dating a friend of mine. We have been good friends for about 12 years now, and only started dating about 2 weeks ago.
About 2 months earlier, she just got out of an engagement. Her fiancee ended things, citing a change of mind.
We're not telling anybody in our group of friends until we get a better handle on what this is exactly. She also doesn't want to be in a serious/exclusive relationship so soon after getting out of an engagement, which I understand. Heck, if it were me, I'd still be an emotional wreck just 2 months removed from that.
We're both happy with what's going on, but obviously this being the HA thread, I've got an issue developing that I am hoping to get some advice on.
One of our good friends and she dated about 10 years ago, and she suspects he may be trying to get back together with her. This admission, coupled with the (completely understandable) fact that she can't handle an exclusive relationship right now... has kind of set off insecurity bells for me.
They have got a great history together, remaining friends all this time after they dated. Now, I'm not normally the jealous type. When I'm in a serious relationship, it doesn't usually bother me at all who my SO may hang out with, because there's a level to trust in those types of relationships. In a more casual and open relationship I am afraid that the two of them may end up back together.
Now I know there's nothing I can do about what happens between them, so my question is really more along the lines of: How do I not drive myself crazy thinking about it? How do I prevent my insecurities from fucking this potentially great situation up?
I just recently started dating a friend of mine. We have been good friends for about 12 years now, and only started dating about 2 weeks ago.
About 2 months earlier, she just got out of an engagement. Her fiancee ended things, citing a change of mind.
We're not telling anybody in our group of friends until we get a better handle on what this is exactly. She also doesn't want to be in a serious/exclusive relationship so soon after getting out of an engagement, which I understand. Heck, if it were me, I'd still be an emotional wreck just 2 months removed from that.
We're both happy with what's going on, but obviously this being the HA thread, I've got an issue developing that I am hoping to get some advice on.
One of our good friends and she dated about 10 years ago, and she suspects he may be trying to get back together with her. This admission, coupled with the (completely understandable) fact that she can't handle an exclusive relationship right now... has kind of set off insecurity bells for me.
They have got a great history together, remaining friends all this time after they dated. Now, I'm not normally the jealous type. When I'm in a serious relationship, it doesn't usually bother me at all who my SO may hang out with, because there's a level to trust in those types of relationships. In a more casual and open relationship I am afraid that the two of them may end up back together.
Now I know there's nothing I can do about what happens between them, so my question is really more along the lines of: How do I not drive myself crazy thinking about it? How do I prevent my insecurities from fucking this potentially great situation up?
Alterrific on
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1) You need to make a decision, right off the bat, about whether or not you think this girl will tell you if ANYTHING happens. I'm not saying that you expect her to come to you with anything and everything; but if something significant happens, can you expect her to be honest about it after the fact?
1a) If you think that yes, she will tell you and she will keep you apprised of situations, then the ball is in her court. You cannot control her actions. You can only control your own actions. At that point, the most you can do is enjoy the relationship. Don't try to control her or her actions, because you can't and you shouldn't. Respect her and her decisions. The harder you try to control her, the harder it will be for this relationship to work.
1b) If you can't trust her to tell you about stuff, then you need to have a serious relationship talk, because this goes past simple insecurities, right down to bedrock trust. Insecurities are simple irrational doubts, that disappear quickly when you shine some logic and reason on them. Trust issues are much harder to deal with and will kill a relationship.
2) Remember the Golden Rule. If your positions were switched, you would want to be trusted to make good, adult decisions, right? You would want to be trusted and not be suspected of being an asshole, right? So then treat her the same way. (p.s. I'm not saying you're not doing this. It's just a good thing to think of when those insecurity vortexes start to suck you in)
3) If you find yourself in a situation where you feel yourself being overwhelmed with insecurities, sit down and rationalize: Do you really think she'd do something awful to hurt you? Do you really think she wouldn't stop to think about you before she did something? (because she WOULD stop to think of you) Do you really think she is so selfish and her thoughts are so one-dimensional that she can't think of the consequences of any actions? Of COURSE not! She respects you, I guarantee it. Just remind yourself of this, and accord her the same respect by quieting your insecurities.
I can tell you from personal experience that insecurities can fuck a relationship up if you let them control you. Ask her for help if you have to, but don't ever ever snap at her or get angry with her because of something your insecurities made you think. Always make sure that if you bring up an issue, it is rational and logical and you are calm and reasonable and respectful.
I hope this helps. Send me a PM if you need to talk about it more, I'll keep checking out this thread if you have any more questions.
p.s. 10 years is a looooong time. Most people have changed enough after 10 years that, while they may look fondly at memories from those times, they know that they've changed enough that rekindling the relationship just isn't going to work. While your girl may realize that a friendship is possible, chances are she is just not going to see the same spark she saw 10 years ago. Once again, that's a LOOOONG time. Especially when she's been engaged since then.
p.p.s. Take things slow. Very slow. She just got out of an engagement; rule of thumb on recovering from relationships is that you need 1/4 to 1/3 of the time of the relationship to recover, which is accurate in my experience. Just keep that in mind.
Either accept the possibility that 6 months down the line she may be with him (or someone else, or not seeing someone) and not you, or just don't think about it.
She doesn't want serious, so keep it not serious.
Chances are good you're the rebound, that doesn't mean it's impossible for it to become more serious, but it's not helping you to think about it like that.
Going to try to keep it slow too, but she told me her timeline in terms of marriage/family and she basically boiled it down to having to be engaged again in 2 years. While I realize her two desires (not wanting a serious relationship and being engaged again in 2 years) aren't mutually exclusive, sometimes the line gets a little blurry while I'm trying to figure all this stuff out. Sorry - I should be clear I'm not asking for an engagement anytime soon, all I am hoping for is to give this relationship a fair chance. Does that make sense?
t Djeet - Thank you for the sober words. I realize there's nothing I can "do" to turn this into a more serious relationship. I'm looking for advice on how to accept it is the way it is. I also realize that there's a very good chance I'm just the rebound. I won't lie, it would hurt if it turned out that I was just the rebound, but there's only one way to find out...
She was engaged and in a serious relationship for what I can assume was for a significant period of time. She needs time to recover...her casually dating people isn't going to help (I say this from personal experience).
I guess I'm just going to say you should be careful. She's still probably pretty emotionally fragile, and as her longtime friend she may look to you as a source of happiness when she needs to learn to be happy by herself first.
Do you want it to go to the next level? Do you want it to stay the way it is?
If you want it to grow into something more real than what it is, you may be SOL. Rebound relationships rarely work out for the other guy. Not saying that it doesn't happen, but it is rare.
If you want it to stay the way it is, thats cool, it seems like thats what she wants. Just be cool with her seeing other dudes, it's not like you didn't know the rules at the begining.
I think the worst problem with people not being exclusive, is that most of the time, one of the people (if not both) actually WANT it to be exclusive, but don't say anything. They stay in it, thinking that if it lasts long enough the other person will see how awesome/great/meant for each other they are, and it'll become something more. Trust me, being on both ends of that, it almost never happens that both people want the same thing.
This
Communication is key, and if you want to be exclusive and take it slow you have to tell her that. If you don't, both of you are going to end up hurting even more when you don't date anyone else, but she does.
I hate to do this, but I feel like you probably need to hear a few hard facts. She just got out of engagement and you've only been dating her for two weeks, the odds are pretty high that you may just be a rebound fling. At any rate the relationship is far too new to be having in depth discussions about it. Also make sure you are not thinking the two of you are dating when she actually doesn't, as I've been in that situation a few times.
As to the interloper, there isn't a damn thing you can do about it without completely mucking up your very new relationship. Your best bet is to stay completely neutral on the subject, and not make yourself exclusive to this girl. I'm not saying actively look for other people to date, but don't write it off either. You just need to make sure you're not falling deeply in love with a girl who may end up going elsewhere for it.
Try to just enjoy what you have and not think too much about it.
Get out. Get out now.
This. If you arent the kind of guy to date multiple people at once, then you should start now. Doing this and having fun with others will keep your mind from eroding meanwhile she's out having fun with whomever. Don't commit yourself if she's already told you that she's avoiding commitment.
there is nothing wrong with having goals in how you want your life to go. now, if life happens and she isn't engaged and then she throws herself at the nearest guy you have a problem, but as it is i say no, it is healthy.
t the op- make sure she has her space, and be there if you enjoy being with her, but make sure you are no one's fool.
Continuing to date others sounds like a good way to keep it from becoming too serious. I think I will give that a go.
Pale greened for somewhat truth. I wouldn't say "GET OUT NAO!", but honestly dude, you sound like the rebound relationship. Have fun with her, but if she says she doesn't want to get into a serious relationship right now and she wants to be engaged in 2 years that probably means she doesnt want to get into a serious relationship with you.
Yeah, this.
Bel's right as usual. It sounds like she needs time off to get her head and feelings together but is more interested in future long-term relationships because she wants to get married and settle down. Other people are the exact opposite and will say they have no intentions of marrying before 30 or whatever.
Wow, a kid with someone you don't even love. Great idea. :P
Eh, people do it all the time, I mean sure everyone wants to dote on love everlasting and till death do us part, but a marriage is a business contract more than anything else, so I can't rip on people treating it as such. I will say though that making this known to current suitors will chase most away quick as lightning, as it paints the person as kind of a future shrew in my mind. Even though I think making such long term plans is a waste of time more often then not, it still never hurts to keep a general idea of how you want your life to proceed in the back of your head.
That said, I don't think she's telling the op this for any other reason than to give her an easy out though, and now I'm beginning to wonder why the previous fiance opted out of marriage with her.
I think what this girl is thinking is that ideally she'd like to be engaged/married in 2 years, and she just doesn't want to casually date. She probably thinks that she knows what she wants (and she may actually really know what she wants) and she doesn't want to just mess around with anyone who is kinda fun. She's past that stage of casual dating. She wants to get to know someone, figure out if they're compatible, and if not, move on.
I don't necessarily agree with it, but I'm still young enough that I don't really care and I can afford to casually date. Some women understand that there IS a soft deadline, eventually, if you want to have kids.
It's not about a business contract at all, or anything like that. She just doesn't want to waste her time. If anything, this should put the OP's mind at rest more than anything, because she isn't going to waste her time with a guy who she dated TEN YEARS ago and it already didn't work out.