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So I'm going to kill someone (Breaking up is hard to do) (Updated)
Death of Rats
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This might seem a little weird, especially with my history with this board. Anyways, I'm going to break up with my girlfriend within the next week, and I have no idea how to do it without her hurting herself physically.
So a little back story. I started dating this girl at the beginning of October, and kinda fell very fast. She was a virgin, I took that, and we saw each other about every weekend (for a while there more). Things were good, up until the point where school and work started making the relationship seem like a burden. She doesn't have her drivers license, a job, or a place of her own, so the only time we got to spend together was when I had off and could pick her up. I don't have much money, and that got in the way.
And because of all of that, I started to get annoyed by the whole thing. I thought it would change once my financial situation changed, but it didn't. About a month an a half into our relationship (when things were going well), I told her I was going home after New Years, and invited her to go with me. We just got back from that trip. Needless to say, the trip didn't change the way I was feeling.
I've been unhappy for a while. Probably about a month and a half. I've been thinking about ending it for that long. But I just haven't been able to do it. I care about her. I don't want to hurt her. I've been hurt before, and I know how hard it is. She's told me how much better things are with me, and how much I mean to her, and I just don't know how exactly she's going to handle this. She use to be a cutter. I ended that. She doesn't have anyone to hang out with, I ended that. And I'm afraid she's going to hurt herself once I do it. However, I've set next weekend (the next time we hang out) to do it.
So what I'm looking for is ways to let her down easy. Ways to end it without destroying her. I know I'm going to hurt her, but I don't wish any ill will on her. I care about her, I just don't feel happy or really romantically involved in this relationship. So what do I do? I've never broken up with someone before, and I really need help. If all I can do is tell her what's going through my head and hope for the best, fine, but if there's any good way to let her down easy without sounding like a cliche lying ass, I'd love to hear it. More importantly, is there any way to break up with someone while still having them know things were real, and that things just kinda... stopped? I was happy in this for quite a while, if not I wouldn't be so worried about things.
So a little back story. I started dating this girl at the beginning of October, and kinda fell very fast. She was a virgin, I took that, and we saw each other about every weekend (for a while there more). Things were good, up until the point where school and work started making the relationship seem like a burden. She doesn't have her drivers license, a job, or a place of her own, so the only time we got to spend together was when I had off and could pick her up. I don't have much money, and that got in the way.
And because of all of that, I started to get annoyed by the whole thing. I thought it would change once my financial situation changed, but it didn't. About a month an a half into our relationship (when things were going well), I told her I was going home after New Years, and invited her to go with me. We just got back from that trip. Needless to say, the trip didn't change the way I was feeling.
I've been unhappy for a while. Probably about a month and a half. I've been thinking about ending it for that long. But I just haven't been able to do it. I care about her. I don't want to hurt her. I've been hurt before, and I know how hard it is. She's told me how much better things are with me, and how much I mean to her, and I just don't know how exactly she's going to handle this. She use to be a cutter. I ended that. She doesn't have anyone to hang out with, I ended that. And I'm afraid she's going to hurt herself once I do it. However, I've set next weekend (the next time we hang out) to do it.
So what I'm looking for is ways to let her down easy. Ways to end it without destroying her. I know I'm going to hurt her, but I don't wish any ill will on her. I care about her, I just don't feel happy or really romantically involved in this relationship. So what do I do? I've never broken up with someone before, and I really need help. If all I can do is tell her what's going through my head and hope for the best, fine, but if there's any good way to let her down easy without sounding like a cliche lying ass, I'd love to hear it. More importantly, is there any way to break up with someone while still having them know things were real, and that things just kinda... stopped? I was happy in this for quite a while, if not I wouldn't be so worried about things.
No I don't.
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tell her it's not working out for you like it used to, there's nothing anyone can do, she's lovely and she should continue on her upward streak
Four months is barely any time at all, although it probably feels like the world to her and you now. If it was a year or two longer I might advise trying to work on it, or reevaluating your options, but you can't make someone's life in four months. Years down the road both of you will probably forget most of the things about each other.
Okay, more seriously, I'll concur that four months is not that long a time in the grand scheme of things. Depending on how she feels about the whole situation, there's really no way to go about it that isn't going to cause some hurt. It's just part of the deal. As for her cutting herself, there's no way you can control that, either. You're not responsible for her action, whether you feel that something you did led her to it or not. That part is entirely her.
I would say to go with the Band-Aid approach (just rip it off as it will hurt less in the long run), but that analogy sounds harsh. But you're a smart guy, and I think you know what I mean. Tell her how you feel about the situation, that you just don't feel that it's working, and if you're comfortable with it that you would still like to be friends (but only say that part if you mean it; don't lead her on thinking that you want to be friends if you don't or feel uncomfortable with it). Just be honest. This doesn't mean being harsh; just be real about it. It will still hurt, I won't lie. But it will hurt less in the long run.
They thing about this is getting the balance between explaining that you don't regret the time you had, but you don't want to stay. Just explain that it was great while it lasted but that you feel things have changed and that it would be best for both of you to end things now, and quit while you're ahead. Don't elaborate too much on how you enjoyed the time you had, because you don't want her to question why you're breaking up with her if you're saying you had a great time together. If she does ask why, just say feelings have changed and grown apart, it will only hurt her to give exact reasons.
all joking aside, that's a really tough situation. from the looks of it she might be a touch dependent since you say you "stopped" her cutting and whatnot, "fixed" her problem of having nobody to hang out with, etc. i'd tread very carefully but honestly, if you're unhappy, you definitely need to end things and not contact her until it feels ok; you can't stay in a relationship with someone based on feeling bad or worrying what will happen when you break up.
i can't stress how important space is during a breakup, especially one like this. would you want to/be able to be friends eventually?
A really common issue is that once you start saying it, you'll have this overwhelming desire to soften the blow. The problem is that you might start using words like "just not ready now" or "maybe in the future". Unfortunately, if she's really quite into you, she will hold onto comments like these and it ends up drawing out the drama.
My suggestion is to be really gentle, but also quite clear. And no - I'm not pretending that this is an easy thing to do.
You probably didn't. I ended a relationship (after 2 years and we were living together) with someone very similar and it was tough. There's no "easy way to break up" as everyone handles things differently. In my situation she had started cutting again and that among other things made me leave. I was pretty blunt about how I felt and how the relationship was not what I needed it to be anymore. She was upset and a few days later ended up cutting herself pretty bad and taking some pills. She called me and told me this so I hung up called 911, then called her mother. (Who chewed me out and blamed me, but later apologized, thats another story.)
Anyway what I'm trying to say is, her actions are not your responsibility and you can't just stick around because she'll do something regrettable. If it goes wrong ie: she starts cutting again; tell a parent or someone who can get her help.
this is a really, really good point. that creates false hope for a relationship in the future, which she might hang onto from what you've told us, OP. breaking up is never ever easy-- i've broken up with my share of guys, and guys have broken up with me, and even when it's the right thing to do, it's still difficult.
Part of the reason I'm breaking up with her is the same reasons I doubt we could be friends afterwards. I used to be very shut in, full of anxiety, and hadn't grown into myself. It was shortly after that changed that me and her met. And, well, she's the way I used to be. And being with her, well, it's making me be that way again. She's uncomfortable around everyone I know. She's not sure of herself at all. She doesn't have the drive to make her life better. And, well, I do now. I have. I've worked and struggled for three years to get back on the right track.
I just can't go through that again.
On the trip home I tried to, well, get it in her head that this might happen. We had a lot of talks about stuff in general. We talked about how we'd want it to end if/when it ended. Both of us agreed we wouldn't be able to be friends. We agreed that we wouldn't ever let it get to the point where one was out to hurt the other. And we talked about how sometimes things change, and that we would try not to hold things against one another if they did.
I'm hoping this doesn't completely shock her. She's a very sweet girl. I know that when I do it I'm going to break down some. I'm going to have to struggle to not cry in front of her while doing it. It makes me sad to have to do it. I mean, I do love her, she has a lot of lovable qualities... however, I'm just not in love with her. I love her like a puppy, not like a girlfriend. (Yes, I know, do not say anything related to love or puppies or loving puppies while breaking it off).
So that said, don't make the same mistake I did and drag it on and try to be friends again right off the bat. Let her down easy, be clear, and leave it for a while. I did not do this. And it sucked.
This so hard. I got dumped three weeks ago, after two years. And she gave me the "maybe we'll get back together one day" speech, and while logically I know it's bullshit and she was just trying to spare my feelings, emotionally I keep holding on to that hope and I know it's getting in the way of moving on with my life but I can't help it. Don't do this.
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The whole situation represents a fairly complicated emotional touchstone for me. The way I love my wife is the way that I always felt love should be when I was an angsty teenage Cure fan; the way I loved the earlier relationship wasn't. However, the bond that developed between me and that early girlfriend was one I was simply incapable of breaking; you don't break up with a dog after it becomes your family, and that's what this girl was to me essentially, a family member or very close friend who I spent my life with (and fucked). She wasn't perfect but still, how do you tell someone you love that you don't want them to be part of your life anymore? I don't know if humans were built this way.
This is why breaking up is shitty. It's about someone knowing you better than anyone else in the whole world, maybe even better than yourself, and them telling you that you're not good enough to be a part of their life.
But follow that logic far enough, and you have people never breaking up with anyone. And ultimately, because I was dumped I was able to use the confidence and knowledge I had gained during that long term relationship (plus a little luck) to find what amounts to my ideal match, a partner leagues better than that first long-term relationship. But I wonder; had I never tried breaking up with her for those two days, and I eventually met my wife, would I be satisfied with this woman or would I have felt the desire to constantly try to find something more?
Ultimately this is conjecture. You've been seeing this person for four months; the fact that you had a breakup conversation helps put this in perspective immensely, because it shows that both you and her realize that the relationship could very easily have an expiration date. Most of these big problems come in when someone thinks that expiration date isn't there anymore. So while this will hurt her, it's something she won't be altogether unprepared for because she's aware your relationship has enough of a possibility of being impermanent to talk about. My advice is to put this plan into action soon, before she has the chance to get more attached or can reflect upon this recent conversation and realize that you've been wanting to break up with her since then and probably before.
I've been wrestling with this all week. How would I do it, what would I say, ext ext. I went down to pick her up, went to Starbucks, ordered, went to go sit down, and she told me if I was going to do this, not to do it in starbucks.
So we sat out in my car, and I tried to tell her. I was in tears before I could really get it out. She kept asking me why I was doing this, and I just couldn't come up with a real reason besides I felt I had to. I tried telling her how unhappy I've been, how I feel like I've been losing part of myself, how I feel like eventually if things kept going the way they have been I'd do something that would really hurt her.
And we sat, she told me that I better be sure this is what I wanted, because I had just broken her heart, and that there wasn't any going back from this afterwards.
However, the whole time I was talking to her, looking at her, and thinking, I started to worry that I had just made a mistake. I hadn't talked to her about most of these issues before. I was afraid to. You see, this is my second relationship, and the first that's going through the transitional phase between the honeymoon phase and the rest of the relationship. And I was thinking about how I do have feelings for her, and no matter how unhappy I've been recently, I haven't let her in on why.
I haven't tried to let us work things out. I've tried to let myself work them out with her blind to the whole thing.
Anyway, I started up the car, and started to leave the parking lot to take her home when I snapped. I stopped the car, told her I didn't want to do this, and pulled into a space. I told her what was going through my head, how confused I've been about this whole thing. How I didn't want to hurt her and didn't want to end it, but I felt I had to. And I told her if she'd forgive me, that I want to try with her to work through the issues we have. That I want to trust her with my feelings and not be afraid of hurting her with the things I don't like.
And she listened, cried, we hugged, she forgave me. And a sense of relief washed over me and I felt closer to her that I ever have. We've talked a lot about things over the past 2 days, and I really do think she gets what's going on with me and is going to work with me to make it work. And if it doesn't, well, we'll be open about it with eachother. I'll be open with her about it. So, well, thank you guys for the advice you've given on this. This breakup might end up being the best thing to happen for this relationship.
OK. So, I'm of the strong opinion that communication is absolutely the lifeblood of all aspects of relationships... So I'm going to suggest that you really learn your lesson about bottling things up and that you should have spoken about it sooner. I'm also going to give you the benefit of the doubt about being genuine here.
But you now have a responsibility to watch this shit going forward. If you guys are happy now and take the opportunity to develop your relationship - cool. If after two weeks time, you find yourself going back to the old ways of thinking, then you fucked up and you need to cowboy up and do the right thing. Properly.
EDIT: I didnt mean to sound like an arse, I really hope you guys are happy from now on - and the above comments are out of concern.
I think she feels better about things in general as well now. She knew something has been bothering me for a while, and didn't know what it was. She knew something had changed with me, and now that she knows why and what, she said she's not going to let me do that again. She was afraid to ask me what was wrong, I've been afraid to tell her. I think that's why I got to the breaking point with this, why I was getting more and more unhappy, because I was putting on a happy face about everything with her.
We kinda reacted to the end of the honeymoon phase completely differently, I tried to back away, she's tried to latch on. We've talk about that, and we're going to try to meet in the middle on it.