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Sexually Abused as a Child - Not Sure How to Ask for Help
incognitoburrito
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Obviously I'm using a fake account for this because I don't want people finding this under my common username.
Long story short, when I was nine I was anally raped (I'm male) by a guy who used to hang out near where I lived. I've been afraid to tell anybody or ask for help for the past decade because my parents shunned anything sexual and I thought they'd take it out on me. I was physically abused by my mom and neglected by my dad - so they weren't people I trusted.
I've tried to suppress it for years and didn't tell anybody until last night. I thought I had a grip on it, but now I feel like I'm losing myself to that one day and am suffering because of it.
I'm still at home with my parents (we have more or less reconciled, but the scars are still there and we're not too close) and my insurance is through them so I'd have to get them to sign off on me getting therapy. But I've never told them what happened and I'm afraid of what will happen if I tell them now.
Help!
Long story short, when I was nine I was anally raped (I'm male) by a guy who used to hang out near where I lived. I've been afraid to tell anybody or ask for help for the past decade because my parents shunned anything sexual and I thought they'd take it out on me. I was physically abused by my mom and neglected by my dad - so they weren't people I trusted.
I've tried to suppress it for years and didn't tell anybody until last night. I thought I had a grip on it, but now I feel like I'm losing myself to that one day and am suffering because of it.
I'm still at home with my parents (we have more or less reconciled, but the scars are still there and we're not too close) and my insurance is through them so I'd have to get them to sign off on me getting therapy. But I've never told them what happened and I'm afraid of what will happen if I tell them now.
Help!
incognitoburrito on
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Are you moving out to college at any point? If so, the college will likely have a medical plan you can get through the student society, and will very likely have its own counselling service as well. That's a bit long to wait, though, which takes me to community clinics. There may be free clinics near where you live that provide counselling services. There are where I live. The best way to learn about them would be in the phone book, or through a doctor or your local hospital.
I can't think of other options that don't require you telling your parents. I hope you're doing OK.
It sucks, but with help you can deal with this. Good luck.
If you are in school, a guidance counselor is a good choice. It's pretty much their bread and butter. If you are religious, I would suggest a person involved with whatever faith you are into.
What I would definitely recommend is telling whoever you end up talking to the guys name. I don't want to put more pressure on you than you already have, but if he did it to you, its quite likely that he will do it to someone else. I know it will be super shitty to talk about, but it is for sure the right thing to do.
So don't tell them why. Use a generic excuse like stress.
Eventually you'll find someone you trust enough to open up to and tell all too - and that's a huge part of the healing process, but first step is to start talking to a professional and get into therapy.
Is this to say that you did tell someone last night? Were they not very supportive, or did you find the act of telling another person traumatic?
Regardless, clarification aside, I have to agree with the others in the thread; try to use the resources at your disposal to get help and just take each day one at a time. I won't even try to imagine the pain, anger and other emotions you live with day by day, but I wish you all the best.
BUT, if you are in or going to college, there is usually a wellness center or something like that where students can seek completely confidential counseling for free.
I know what it's like to deal with something for years and then finally talk to somebody about it and feel like you're starting all over. Even if they respond in a way that is helpful, it just stirs things up.
Nothing positive to add but why would a counsellor do that? That's horrific....
While you should eventually tell your parents, if you're not sure they're going to be supportive then it does make sense to wait until you are better prepared to talk about the abuse. It's good that you're trying to talk about it, so it's best to make sure you know the person you tell will have the kind of reaction you need.
Good luck. You may have a difficult time ahead and it may not be any consolation now, but it will become easier to deal with over time. You're taking good first steps.
If nothing else is available, I would definitely make use of a hotline instead, especially if the event itself is ancient history, and it's not still happening, and you just want someone to talk to.
Yea, between being a minor, for whom the school and parents are still responsible for, and the part where guidance counselors are mostly trained to file college application paperwork, I wouldn't have any expectation of privacy of something I told someone at high school unless it was a parent doing it.
In college they're more likely to treat you as an adult, and have an actual qualified person to help.
I don't suppose you've considered reporting it to the police? Probably no statute of limitations on that. It might make things better or worse, depending.
I had the same issue when I was in school, my parents were fighting for custody, I was stressed and went to the school counselor. The counselor told my parents and what I said in that room ended up in court. Not fun times.
I have had positive experiences with paid therapists, though, so I don't want to scare you off of the idea. I had an issue akin to yours that I needed a lot of help with, and everything was very confidential even though I was a minor. (My parents had to take me as part of a court ruling related to the custody dispute, though, so I didn't need to give a reason for being in therapy.)
If you find that none of these other avenues suggested are turning anything up for you, I do honestly suggest just paying for therapy yourself. If you can drive someplace (or get a ride, or take the bus) and have an excuse to be gone for two hours every other week it really does wonders. These issues can take a while to work through and having someone to talk to who is just there to help you, and something that you can rely on as a constant is a very comforting thing.
At the time I went, I hated it because it all felt so raw and new again, but looking back on it I really am so thankful that I had that outlet. Dealing with the anger, and most of all the guilt that comes with it lifts a weight off of your shoulders and it helps you connect with people again. It's so incredibly important to get that help. The monetary price may seem high right now, but what you get is worth so much more.
I suggest you go not only for this, but also with what happened between you and your parents.
I really hope you start to feel better and that you spend as much time as you need taking care of yourself, because you're important.
Again, thank you.
guidance counselors are usually failed psychologists and not very good at their jobs, which is why they always get the parents on board to cover their asses.
you realize there's an entire master's degree just in counselling right?
that people who get jobs as guidance counsellors in the states at most public schools must hold this extra master's above and beyond their education degree?
that it's not the same as a masters in psych?
no you don't know that?
i didn't think so.
guidance counsellors will not just go and tell your parents if you ask them to be discreet.
they are obligated to tell your parents if you are thinking of committing suicide, but so are any psychologist/psychiatrist/doctor of any kind. it is the one area where patient confidentiality is not adhered to.
when i spoke to my guidance counsellor in high school, she straight up asked me if she could talk to my parents about the issues and told me if it's not okay, she won't. she also told me right from day one the issues in which talking to my parents were a must (thoughts of suicide)
they are trained professionals, a friend of mine is currently counselling for drug addiction. they are specially trained not only in the field of counselling but also in their specific area, so a school counsellor will be very much trained in dealing with situations like this.
Doing what you are doing - facing your problem and taking action - requires a lot of internal strength. I guess I'm saying you're probably a lot stronger than you think.
Good luck.