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Mooch of a Friend
Penguin_Otaku
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So my group of friends are all pretty sharing and caring. We usually get each other back for things smoke or drank by the others by hosting or offering up some of our own the next time. And for the most part it's pretty balanced and there's no complaints except we have one friend who just consumes. She's never, to my memory, offered to buy anything ever.
And when we've asked her she mentions that times are tough and she just can't do it. But she has no problem helping herself to what we have. I don't mind necessarily because I want everyone to have a good time and I don't want to stop the fun by saying, "HEY STOP YOU DIDN'T PAY" kind of crap but while I want to be generous I feel like it's being taken advantage of.
I'm not sure how to handle it though without pissing her off though. She's the kind that would fume and be pissy and not hang out with us because someone said something... and I 'm sure some will say, "Find a new friend" but I'd like to avoid that just because outside of this she's a pretty solid person.
Thanks
And when we've asked her she mentions that times are tough and she just can't do it. But she has no problem helping herself to what we have. I don't mind necessarily because I want everyone to have a good time and I don't want to stop the fun by saying, "HEY STOP YOU DIDN'T PAY" kind of crap but while I want to be generous I feel like it's being taken advantage of.
I'm not sure how to handle it though without pissing her off though. She's the kind that would fume and be pissy and not hang out with us because someone said something... and I 'm sure some will say, "Find a new friend" but I'd like to avoid that just because outside of this she's a pretty solid person.
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He already said that's not an option. Remember the part where she's sensitive and would get upset and piss off? Remember how he's not interested in losing her as a friend?
Is she asking, and you're giving? Then next time, say no or that you're out, or not finished with what you do have. It works for everyone else in the world.
Is she helping herself to your things without asking? Then call her out on that.
She calls and asks if I have beer and I said that I had some, but it wasn't my beer. So in turn she brings a 12 pack over, once that's gone she helps herself to what was in the fridge and I kept telling her it wasn't mine to give away.
She expects it to be here and readily available to her when she gets here. When I don't have it she wants to go to our other friends' places because they'll have something she can smoke or drink.
Wow. Did you just call me a "fag"? Are you 12?
If she's drinking someone else's beer, TELL HER IT'S SOMEONE ELSE'S BEER.
For someone who throws a word like "fag" around, sounds like you have some manning up to do. o_O
either tone it down and create situations were expenditure isn't hugely necessary, stop inviting her out and risk the friendship, or be grateful that you're in a position where you can afford to help the people you care about have a good time
edit:
okay this is a kind of different situation and it's probably more about her alcoholism than anything else
edit edit: by that i mean after twelve beers, pawing for someone else's is not especially surprising, but if it's happening so often that you need to make a thread about it then there are certain other bad habits you might need to talk about
Also remember the part where she's a mooch? You can't always have your cake and eat it, too.
Well, he basically needs to put up or shut up. That's the jist of it.
And that's what I said, before you decided to be a dick about the whole thing.
He wants the problem to stop while avoiding confrontaion and well, that is not going to happen.
Yep, there's gonna be a showdown or he's just going to have to start stocking more beer.
I was agreeing with you. Have some chamomile tea.:P
EDIT: I slightly changed up my opinion after he decided to elaborate on what she was doing. At first it just made it sound like she was showing up at functions and not chipping in for beer. His later posts cleared things up.
Your only option, then, is to just let this go.
Or you can stop buying shit for other people too.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
ESH has spoken. We should ponder these words carefully before we dish out ANY other advice. :zzz:
Obvious troll is obvious.
As for her calling wanting to come over just for beers...next time she calls tell her YOU have no beer in the fridge...she doesn't have to know that OTHERS might have beer in there. If you keep enabling her to mooch, you can't be too mad about it, really, IMHO.
She calls and asks if I have beer and I said that I had some, but it wasn't my beer. So in turn she brings a 12 pack over, once that's gone she helps herself to what was in the fridge and I kept telling her it wasn't mine to give away.
He's basically too scared of her pissing her off even though she's taking things that don't belong to her or to him.
*shrug
EDIT: And yeah I know, it's horribly passive to do either, but he's obviously not interested in confronting her, so I figure why not throw him a bone and let him run with it.
Or she would have brought her own 12 pack over, like she did. I'm just surprised that she doesn't listen when he tells her "No, this is not my beer. Do not drink it." and even more surprised that he just lets her drink it when she ignores him. Someone has a drinking problem I think...
2) Unfortunately, she's not. Welcome to the real world, where some people are douchebags, often without realizing it.
3) You have tried being nice and non-confrontational, but she obviously hasn't gotten it or doesn't care.
4) Your best next step is to find a way to directly confront her about it so that she can't hide behind ignorance. Or hey, maybe she really didn't know, and now that she has a wake-up call the situation, you know, gets fixed.
5) Should this fail, you can either re-evaluate the friendship or simply not place yourself in situations where you know she will take advantage (which in its own way would be an adjustment to the friendship, just to a lesser degree).
Personally, I'd at least try saying something along the lines of, "My roommates were actually pretty upset about the stuff that was taken out of the fridge. I know we're friends and I don't mind you taking my stuff when you ask, but I pointed out that it wasn't mine to give and you took it anyway. Next time can you please respect my wishes, and my roommates, by not taking or using their things without their permission? It's not a big deal, but when it negatively affects me and my relationships with other people, I have to say something." You can try throwing in something like, "I still value our friendship blah blah blah", too.
If she does it again, point it out right there on the spot. And if she ignores you, take away whatever it is she has (or let her keep it if she wants to be a baby) and ask her to leave. Only a complete bitch or someone who doesn't respect you would continue in that kind of behavior under those circumstances. Either way, at that point you don't need her friendship because it was never a friendship to begin with. It's easy to walk away when you know you have nothing to lose.
I also make a note to remember how much money or what item I have lent people over the years, even writing it down and keeping it in a safe place over the years.
So yeah just man up and talk to her about it. Just be polite and courteous and hopefully she won't throw some hissy fit and set up some rules for next time you come across someone like her.
kpop appreciation station i also like to tweet some
OP said that the friend would freak out and drop out of their circle of friends if confronted about this so it really does come down to what is more important.
Is it an unfortunate situation? yes
does that make the advice any different? no
People can butter up the advice as much as they want but they are giving exactly the same feedback as Esh is in the end here.
I want to know more PA people on Twitter.
Yeah, because life is actually pretty simple when it comes down to it. People tend to over complicate things and be namby pamby about it, especially in here. My advice is just very blunt and not sugar coated like most other peoples.
And honestly, don't take everything seriously, "thread over" is a sort of meme. It's only said halfway seriously. Lighten up a little.
alternatively, don't post things that make you sound like such a cock
Not sure how old OP's friends are, but this is a situation where it sounds like the friend in question has some growing up to do. And right in the OP it asks for tactful ways to handle this situation, telling the friend to fuck off isn't really great advice.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
The OP already said any mention of this to her would send his friend into a tizzy. Thus, he has one of two options. Later on when he clarifies things a bit more he mentions that she will still take things even when told they aren't his to give away. It doesn't sound like he really needs to be tactful, it sounds like he needs to find his backbone and put his foot down. My advice still stands and is relevant. :?
At least that's my experience with this kind of thing.
I want to know more PA people on Twitter.
Some people might argue that how you say something is just as important as what you're saying. Others may go so far as to say it's a sign of emotional maturity - being able to understand where other people are coming from, how they take things, and how those dynamics affect communication, interpersonal relationships, and social situations. Anyway, I don't want to derail the thread. Hope it works out for you, OP.
If you can't sit on a couch and watch a movie or something without her constantly diving into your fridge, even if you ask her not to, then she's just using you and she seems to be okay with that.
Whether or not you have the means to just let this continue, imagine if you were on a budget and had to watch your money very closely so you don't starve. I suspect she wouldn't give a shit if her going to the fridge and eating your food meant you don't get to eat lunch or dinner tomorrow.
This is not a friend.
No one likes confrontation. But they do it because if people let shit like this slide you end up being gigantically bitter about the person. So you have a choice, you can either let it slide and become whiny and passive aggressive. Or address it. It's not fun! And no one is saying it is. But it's like training a puppy. If you act pissy when it shits in the corner you just garner a bad relationship with your dog. You actually need to do something to house break it.
As people said, explain that you aren't rich, and you realise she isn't either, but it just isn't fair for her to keep taking your shit.
Or in short just grow some balls goddam.
Satans..... hints.....
That was one of the worst attempts at being passive aggressive that I've ever seen. I was not mean, nor rude, nor anything of any sort of negative towards the OP. I merely cut to the chase and it's what everyone past me has been saying as well. :P
I think you're missing the point. Communication isn't just about "Rude vs. Not Rude". Everyone is a little different, and being unable to plug a USB cable between our brains means that part of getting your point across is in how you package the message. If you really want to help someone, then sometimes you need to adjust to their wavelength, even if you think that their way of communicating is bullshit. Or if you think that the message is blatantly obvious or their opinion is completely asinine. For example, you think I was being passive aggressive, but I think I was pointing to the underlying reasons behind people calling you a douchebag (as opposed to jumping on the "LOL UR A DBAG" bandwagon). What's the point in being correct if you can't get people to listen or understand you?
I was also trying to convey the same point to the OP as well - that it's not so much that the content of the message he needs to deliver is necessarily different, but the approach. We're all in agreement that she's a bitch, and he needs to find a way to tell her to stop being a bitch, right? Right.
This friend of yours reminds me of someone I know who throws a hissy fit with a side order of water works whenever she doesn't get her own way of things and I made the mistake once or twice on calling her out on her BS in front of people only to kill the evening. It's an effective yet simple power play on their part really because you have the potential to come off as the bad guy unless you approach this in a calm/sensitive manner.
To be frank though if she's the type of person that would throw away a friendship over something as trivial as this then your all the better for the loss.