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To be frank though if she's the type of person that would throw away a friendship over something as trivial as this then your all the better for the loss.
And, this. If she can't handle confrontation about something this minor, and if she has problems respecting the small boundaries you guys set, it doesn't seem worth your time to maintain a friendship. If you can't confront her about minor problems, what's going to happen if there's ever a major problem? She sounds like a major drama queen.
I dunno, just seems like maybe she isn't that great of a friend. There are a lot of fun people out there, there's no reason you should saddle yourself with someone like this. I mean it's one thing to occasionally not pull your weight in paying for stuff, but it's completely something else to be stealing other people's alcohol when you explicitly say "don't do that"... I mean does she respect you at all?*** Sounds like she's just using you.
My opinion: Confront her about it. Don't be a dick; a lot of people in this thread have come up with some really great, tactful ways to say "hey please stop this behavior." Use one of their ideas. If she freaks out about it and can't handle it and stops hanging out with you guys, that's her loss.
***Side note: You said she brought over the 12-pack. Maybe she figured that it was like a trade, and whatever beer was in the fridge was stuff she happened to want at the time? My friends and I do this all the time, but then again we also respect each other if one of us says "hey don't mess with that stuff."
Wait, let me get this straight, she brings over a 12 pack (cans? bottles? ) does she share her 12 pack with others or does she drink it all herself, then go looking for more to drink? Do you really need to finish of 12 yourself in one night? (yea I know some people can drink ALOT before they get hammered, or even buzzed but still thats a lot of beverage and alot of pissing you will be doing)
when I have parties my booze unless otherwise specified is communal. The stuff I am not willing to share or to share at my discression doesnt come out for the party. Thats how it works for me as the host. For others tho if they bring there own I consider it off limits unless they state otherwise. Some people are picky about there booze and bring what they like.
My sister was a mooch for most of her life...and I'm talking this started when she was in preschool. Essentially, her philosophy was that she could use something more than someone else at a given time, and then would take it, usually from friends or family. She really didn't realize what she was doing or that it could be considered wrong or annoying by some people. What ended up working and mostly breaking her of the habit was ongoing and constant playful teasing from her family and her friends.
This is something that you might try if the direct approach doesn't work or if you don't feel comfortable with it. With my sis, we did try the direct approach first - but she still didn't see what harm she was doing, even when it was explained to her. Through friendly teasing, she eventually got the message that others did not share her philosophy and were annoyed or frustrated with it. Caring about the people in her life is what made her stop it to some extent so that it's not a big issue anymore.
Esh; I get your advice and get it's to the point, but it doesn't get me to how to actually handle the situation. I thought your advice sounded dickish because that's how it came off as, but I reprimanded for it whatever.
The other night at a housewarming party she came with her boyfriend and kept commenting to my girlfriend and me how she wanted a mix drink. The beer was communal, the liquor was not. She got this so no worries, but then she kept making comments to the gf how she was trying to figure out how to steal a handle of Jack.
Now it wouldn't have been my issue per se, but that would've made me look like an ass had my friends (who hosted) found out. She's a walking liability to me at this point so of course I don't plan on bringing her with me to my other friends' places. Her boyfriend is the opposite, willing to chip in and is a solid guy. She's just really cheap and well I don't know.
The reason I wanted advice is because like someone says it's about how I approach her and the situation. I don't want to call her out in front of everyone while we're playing beer pong or something and kill the night with a fight and in the end come off looking like a dick.
I get putting stuff away and just putting whatever's out for the party but I'm not going to hide my beers from the fridge or anything like that.
I realize I need to approach her one on and one and just let her know or just let her know when stuff is off limits and not let it slide.
That's what you tell her when you overhear her asking for a mixed drink. "Sorry, the beer is free to all but if you want some hard liquor you are gonna have to pitch in, or trade beer for liquor with John over there *points*, that's his Jack."
If it's a direct loan of money, then obviously, yes - you should want to see if repaid. But if it's stuff like smoke and drink, let it slide. If you're worried about getting too in debt, just say beforehand that you're light on funds and ask if she can cover. There's no need to be a prick about it and risk your friendship.
She expects it to be here and readily available to her when she gets here. When I don't have it she wants to go to our other friends' places because they'll have something she can smoke or drink.
This bit right here is the key part I don't see mentioned much here. So she wants to go somewhere she can get free stuff if there is nothing to be had at the present local? Because seriously f that, if you're just gonna roll out because I am not stocked to your liking you can just roll out and not come back ever.
She expects it to be here and readily available to her when she gets here. When I don't have it she wants to go to our other friends' places because they'll have something she can smoke or drink.
This bit right here is the key part I don't see mentioned much here. So she wants to go somewhere she can get free stuff if there is nothing to be had at the present local? Because seriously f that, if you're just gonna roll out because I am not stocked to your liking you can just roll out and not come back ever.
Seriously, and because she's been indulged before she's equated Casa de PO with Free Booze. She might be a "solid" person otherwise, but it sounds more like she's young and attractive and used to getting things handed to her. You can either accpet this of her and live with it, or cut her off and be sans a mooching friend.
Oh a related note, this will happen to her eventually. I wouldn't take a "this is for your own good" stance on it, but don't feel bad about cutting her off. You have to do what's best for yourself, and that's ultimately what the decision rests upon.
Sounds like she might have a substance abuse problem.
"Oh, I can't have any of your beer/this beer is your room mates and off limit? Well I'll go over to Bob's house and get loaded then."
Classic case of an addict.
EDIT
I know this one guy named Mal who's the exact same way. He's "a nice guy" and a good poker player, but no one wants him around because he'll drink up all the beer that everyone else brought.
Me and my fiancee were told by very close friends of ours that they really like spending time with us and like it when we come to parties or dinners because we always ask "What can we bring?" They then spent about 15 minutes talking shit about their friends that always just show up, eat their food, drink their beer, and then bail.
EDIT
Either she's an addict or a user. Either way, you don't want them in your life regardless of how "cool" they are otherwise.
Do you have a mutual friend who doesn't care how she reacts and will tell the truth straight up, possibly harshly, and most likely to the detriment of their relationship? Because I am that guy, surely you have one of me lying around for just these types of problems.
Do you have a mutual friend who doesn't care how she reacts and will tell the truth straight up, possibly harshly, and most likely to the detriment of their relationship? Because I am that guy, surely you have one of me lying around for just these types of problems.
I love this friend some times I need the guy who will just verbally punch me in the rib cage. Sure some times they are kind of pricks but rarely is the opinion they give not accurate, also I find these guys seem to run a healthy dose of sarcasm to the point where they can dig on people and not be chastised for it.
Do you have a mutual friend who doesn't care how she reacts and will tell the truth straight up, possibly harshly, and most likely to the detriment of their relationship? Because I am that guy, surely you have one of me lying around for just these types of problems.
I love this friend some times I need the guy who will just verbally punch me in the rib cage. Sure some times they are kind of pricks but rarely is the opinion they give not accurate, also I find these guys seem to run a healthy dose of sarcasm to the point where they can dig on people and not be chastised for it.
Posts
I dunno, just seems like maybe she isn't that great of a friend. There are a lot of fun people out there, there's no reason you should saddle yourself with someone like this. I mean it's one thing to occasionally not pull your weight in paying for stuff, but it's completely something else to be stealing other people's alcohol when you explicitly say "don't do that"... I mean does she respect you at all?*** Sounds like she's just using you.
My opinion: Confront her about it. Don't be a dick; a lot of people in this thread have come up with some really great, tactful ways to say "hey please stop this behavior." Use one of their ideas. If she freaks out about it and can't handle it and stops hanging out with you guys, that's her loss.
***Side note: You said she brought over the 12-pack. Maybe she figured that it was like a trade, and whatever beer was in the fridge was stuff she happened to want at the time? My friends and I do this all the time, but then again we also respect each other if one of us says "hey don't mess with that stuff."
when I have parties my booze unless otherwise specified is communal. The stuff I am not willing to share or to share at my discression doesnt come out for the party. Thats how it works for me as the host. For others tho if they bring there own I consider it off limits unless they state otherwise. Some people are picky about there booze and bring what they like.
You will either have to stop caring about this, or say something direct.
This is something that you might try if the direct approach doesn't work or if you don't feel comfortable with it. With my sis, we did try the direct approach first - but she still didn't see what harm she was doing, even when it was explained to her. Through friendly teasing, she eventually got the message that others did not share her philosophy and were annoyed or frustrated with it. Caring about the people in her life is what made her stop it to some extent so that it's not a big issue anymore.
you do realize this is the strategy that successful serial mooches employ, right
that as well as creating situations where calling them out makes it awkward and look like you're the one doing something wrong
The other night at a housewarming party she came with her boyfriend and kept commenting to my girlfriend and me how she wanted a mix drink. The beer was communal, the liquor was not. She got this so no worries, but then she kept making comments to the gf how she was trying to figure out how to steal a handle of Jack.
Now it wouldn't have been my issue per se, but that would've made me look like an ass had my friends (who hosted) found out. She's a walking liability to me at this point so of course I don't plan on bringing her with me to my other friends' places. Her boyfriend is the opposite, willing to chip in and is a solid guy. She's just really cheap and well I don't know.
The reason I wanted advice is because like someone says it's about how I approach her and the situation. I don't want to call her out in front of everyone while we're playing beer pong or something and kill the night with a fight and in the end come off looking like a dick.
I get putting stuff away and just putting whatever's out for the party but I'm not going to hide my beers from the fridge or anything like that.
I realize I need to approach her one on and one and just let her know or just let her know when stuff is off limits and not let it slide.
That's what you tell her when you overhear her asking for a mixed drink. "Sorry, the beer is free to all but if you want some hard liquor you are gonna have to pitch in, or trade beer for liquor with John over there *points*, that's his Jack."
Yeah?
"Quit being an asshole, I already told you the liquor/beer/pizza is off limits."
"Yes, please eat everything. Don't worry about it; I know you're broke/an alcoholic."
Everyone is just going to offer a variant/mix of those two things.
If it's a direct loan of money, then obviously, yes - you should want to see if repaid. But if it's stuff like smoke and drink, let it slide. If you're worried about getting too in debt, just say beforehand that you're light on funds and ask if she can cover. There's no need to be a prick about it and risk your friendship.
This bit right here is the key part I don't see mentioned much here. So she wants to go somewhere she can get free stuff if there is nothing to be had at the present local? Because seriously f that, if you're just gonna roll out because I am not stocked to your liking you can just roll out and not come back ever.
Oh a related note, this will happen to her eventually. I wouldn't take a "this is for your own good" stance on it, but don't feel bad about cutting her off. You have to do what's best for yourself, and that's ultimately what the decision rests upon.
"Oh, I can't have any of your beer/this beer is your room mates and off limit? Well I'll go over to Bob's house and get loaded then."
Classic case of an addict.
EDIT
I know this one guy named Mal who's the exact same way. He's "a nice guy" and a good poker player, but no one wants him around because he'll drink up all the beer that everyone else brought.
Me and my fiancee were told by very close friends of ours that they really like spending time with us and like it when we come to parties or dinners because we always ask "What can we bring?" They then spent about 15 minutes talking shit about their friends that always just show up, eat their food, drink their beer, and then bail.
EDIT
Either she's an addict or a user. Either way, you don't want them in your life regardless of how "cool" they are otherwise.
What is she going to do? Slam you in the balls?
Talk to your other friends and say "Hey we gotta stop this girl from taking our shit" so everyone is on the same page and then tell her to fuck off.
I love this friend some times I need the guy who will just verbally punch me in the rib cage. Sure some times they are kind of pricks but rarely is the opinion they give not accurate, also I find these guys seem to run a healthy dose of sarcasm to the point where they can dig on people and not be chastised for it.
Do we know eachother in real life?