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Husband with Horrible Hygiene Habits- Help Please
Calamity
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ok, so my husband and I have been married for a little over 5 years. For the first couple of years while dating and the first year of marriage he did a good job at hiding his horrible hygiene habits. Slowly as time goes on I noticing more and more things that bother me about his hygiene habits. I've tried talking to him about it and he makes jokes about it or argues with me. Sometimes he even flat out denies it. It's to the point where I feel like I'm nagging him but I feel either A) he doesn't realize how unhealthy it is for him and myself 
he doesn't realize he is doing it or C) he doesn't care (which at this point I'm betting on c).
So let me go into some details of what he does. One of the biggest things is he doesn't wash his hands after he uses the restroom. It doesn't matter if he goes number one or number two, he just does not wash his hands. And then he will go get a glass of milk or some food (I'm sure he is spreading bacteria on everything he touches after wards. Also, he spends a lot of time on the computer (which we share) so I'm sure I'm touching fecal matter as I'm typing this. When I bring this up he says while soap doesn't get rid of all bacteria 100% so why waste my time.
Also, when he goes potty he sits down like a girl to pee. The problem is he is uncircumcised and is not pulling his foreskin back. Then he doesn't shake or anything so some of the urine will sit inside his foreskin for who knows how long. Then he has the nerve to ask for a blowjob and expect it. And let me tell you it gets pretty smelly.
Some other things is he will pee in the shower, which ever way he is facing he pees. This means he will pee on the soap, the wall, or even me if I'm standing in the way. I yell at him every time and he doesn't care. It's to the point where I don't want to shower with him anymore. This also brings up a more disgusting habit. If he just went number two and its before the shower he will not wipe. He will get in the shower spread his ass and let the shit chucks splash all over the shower. I mean, what am I suppose to do? Bleach the shower every time before I shower? He says he does this to have on TP.
He can go days with out showering. Now granted he does work a lot and goes to school but I mean choosing to play a video game instead of taking a 10 minute shower makes now sense to me, especially because of the type of work he does. He goes into peoples homes and for the most part that are filthy homes like what you see on the show Hoarders. There is cockroaches, dog shit on the floor, he has even seen human shit on a person floor before. He also has to crawl under homes. He will do this and then wont shower for days, he says it's a waste of his time.
Ok, this is getting pretty long so I'll just mention a couple of others: chews his finger nails, chews his skin off his fingers, I've even seen him eat scabs or pick his nose and then eat it (I don't even want to kiss him other then a peck anymore unless I know he has brushed his teeth). Oh, and for some reason when he is home doing homework or playing a game he is constantly playing with his dick. He isn't masturbating but stroking it a little or wiggling it around. It's like he has to have constant stimulation to his penis. Wont shave anymore and gets a haircut maybe 1-2 times a year.
Anyways, these things have slowly started to surface about a year after we were married. I'm not sure if he started doing these things after the fact or if he was really good at hiding them but I'm seriously grossed out and some of these things are not healthy. I hate being a nag but I'm just not sure what to do anymore. And I would like to mention even though all this sounds bad, he really is a nice guy and I do love him with all my heart. Any advice would get greatly appreciated.
he doesn't realize he is doing it or C) he doesn't care (which at this point I'm betting on c).So let me go into some details of what he does. One of the biggest things is he doesn't wash his hands after he uses the restroom. It doesn't matter if he goes number one or number two, he just does not wash his hands. And then he will go get a glass of milk or some food (I'm sure he is spreading bacteria on everything he touches after wards. Also, he spends a lot of time on the computer (which we share) so I'm sure I'm touching fecal matter as I'm typing this. When I bring this up he says while soap doesn't get rid of all bacteria 100% so why waste my time.
Also, when he goes potty he sits down like a girl to pee. The problem is he is uncircumcised and is not pulling his foreskin back. Then he doesn't shake or anything so some of the urine will sit inside his foreskin for who knows how long. Then he has the nerve to ask for a blowjob and expect it. And let me tell you it gets pretty smelly.
Some other things is he will pee in the shower, which ever way he is facing he pees. This means he will pee on the soap, the wall, or even me if I'm standing in the way. I yell at him every time and he doesn't care. It's to the point where I don't want to shower with him anymore. This also brings up a more disgusting habit. If he just went number two and its before the shower he will not wipe. He will get in the shower spread his ass and let the shit chucks splash all over the shower. I mean, what am I suppose to do? Bleach the shower every time before I shower? He says he does this to have on TP.
He can go days with out showering. Now granted he does work a lot and goes to school but I mean choosing to play a video game instead of taking a 10 minute shower makes now sense to me, especially because of the type of work he does. He goes into peoples homes and for the most part that are filthy homes like what you see on the show Hoarders. There is cockroaches, dog shit on the floor, he has even seen human shit on a person floor before. He also has to crawl under homes. He will do this and then wont shower for days, he says it's a waste of his time.
Ok, this is getting pretty long so I'll just mention a couple of others: chews his finger nails, chews his skin off his fingers, I've even seen him eat scabs or pick his nose and then eat it (I don't even want to kiss him other then a peck anymore unless I know he has brushed his teeth). Oh, and for some reason when he is home doing homework or playing a game he is constantly playing with his dick. He isn't masturbating but stroking it a little or wiggling it around. It's like he has to have constant stimulation to his penis. Wont shave anymore and gets a haircut maybe 1-2 times a year.
Anyways, these things have slowly started to surface about a year after we were married. I'm not sure if he started doing these things after the fact or if he was really good at hiding them but I'm seriously grossed out and some of these things are not healthy. I hate being a nag but I'm just not sure what to do anymore. And I would like to mention even though all this sounds bad, he really is a nice guy and I do love him with all my heart. Any advice would get greatly appreciated.
Calamity on
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D-I-V-O-R-C-E
Some of the stuff your husband does is nasty. Really nasty. Other stuff, not so much. A few of my thoughts:
- Normally, if you have decent hygiene, there's no real reason to wash your hands after urinating. Your dick is less filthy than your hands, really. But having said that, it's a good idea to wash your hands sometime, and the bathroom is a good reminder to do so. After shitting, well, yeah...
- Peeing in the shower is something I always thought was nasty. But then I found out that everyone besides me seems to do it. Women included. I still think it's nasty. And the shit chunks in the shower? Reminds me of this Reddit.
- The whole "chewing on fingernails and skin" thing is just a nervous habit. I do that all the time myself, and I hate it. I'll go for months without it, and then I get a hangnail, and whoops - hands are a mess again. It's really difficult to control sometimes.
- Playing with his dick all the time? Eh, it's probably unintentional. Kind of like drumming your fingers.
Some of those things wouldn't be so bad. But all of them at once? Bad times.
However pissing on someone is wrong no matter where you are. And everything else is flat out puke worthy.
A serious sit down and expression of your feelings is needed. Tell him how it's effecting your relationship, and how you are becoming unattracted to him because of this, he's got to be willing to change. Maybe things like more BJs will be an incentive for him to clean his act up.
Then it got
Then D:D:D:
Intervention?
Or straight up punched him in the face
Now seriously, you're married to this guy so you see him at his worst (that's just sort of how it works), so either you're not making your point strongly enough or he's just completely discounted your opinion, neither of which are good things. I'd suggest giving him the straight talk about how gross you think his behavior is, and if he continues to ignore you there will either be compromise on both your parts or you'll end up slowly spiraling out of love with him.
I honestly have no ideas about how to get a grown man to shower, you might actually have to consider counseling to get him to understand why that's gross.
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He hid it until a year into the marriage.
I'm sure there's something he has going for him that isn't really important to the post. Some of his hygiene issues sound like depression. Perhaps counselling is a good place to start as well, you could even make it couples counselling so he doesn't feel like he's being attacked. If it's just laziness I find that you can get people to do something with a reward.
Crowleston- that is a better explanation.
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They dated for a couple years before getting married.
I think it's some kind of psychological problem too. Sorry, that's just strange.
AUGH.
BLLAAUURRGHGHGUGUARGGHLL
I was going to come into this thread and say how I used to work a warehouse job and sometimes not bother showering because it seriously didn't matter whether I did or not. But then again, I wasn't married. And I worked 18 hour days. And I didn't LET MY SHIT CHUNKS WASH DOWN THE DRAIN WHILE PISSING ON ANOTHER PERSONAAUUGGHAHHHLLRARRGG
Seriously leave this thread open on the computer with a bottle of bleach on the desk and a shower cap and hope he gets the picture
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Not true dude. Your genital area has a whole universe of bacteria that your hands can't even imagine.
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While passive aggressive I like this.
Well shit, I stand corrected.
I know advocating divorce as just "some guy on the internet" may seem knee jerk, but if what half you said is unembellished, you've been a saint just to put up with it thus far.
Yeah, upon being peed upon, I'd probably be gone or at least having a very, very direct conversation that either ended with improvement or paperwork.
I mean, you really don't stand corrected. The fact that bad bacteria is associated with fecal matter isn't really a big surprise. Still doesn't mean you need to wash your hands every time you take a piss, unless your doing food prep/handling or surgery in which case you should always wash right before. People who wash their hands on a frequent basis as children have a higher incidence of allergies and get sick more often.
and the OP started out as pretty run of the mill stuff, but then quickly descended into disgusting town.
I mean, I always wash my hands if I shit - it's only right. But unless I miscalculate horrendously, pissing is almost always cut and dry - no splashing (if anything, it's the pants that get hit when you use a urinal and don't aim for the little fly).
I tend to avoid washing my hands too frequently because they get so dried out that all the little creases on the backs of my hands dry out, split open, and bleed. Even with lotion. It's miserable.
Oh, and I said "hiding" because I feel that some of these things couldn't have just started up out of no where but I guess they could have. As for the reward him with a blowjob or sex if he showers I do that now. Sometimes if he asks for a blowjob or sex I'll flat out tell him not until you wash your dick. Problem is it works sometimes but other times he's like fuck it, I guess he didn't want one bad enough.
He really is a good guy and he does have a lot going for him and I love him very much, so this is something I really want to work on. Maybe if this talk doesn't work the next step is therapist.
You would be absolutely amazed at the behaviours people are able to hide for significant periods of time that come to light after marriage. A lot of people (both men and women) seem to take the theory that once the wedding passes it is a license to act however they like.
I suspect there will need to be some counselling in this situation.
Good luck.
It might be smelly, but it's huge.
Yeah, that's disgusting. I thought I could be disgusting by not showering on a weekend day if I'm not planning on going anywhere, but daaaamn. Normally I would say this is like any other disagreement between couples, but the fact that some of his habits can and will negatively impact your health changes things. You're really going to have to sit down and talk about this, and if he won't take it seriously, show him how serious you are about it.
I'd stop touching him until he kept up a hygienic routine for at least a couple weeks straight. No hugs, no kisses, nothing. If I ever had to say the words 'wash your dick or no sex' I'd stop and seriously reconsider my life choices that brought me to such a low point.
-showering daily
-not peeing and shitting in the shower
-washing hands after going potty.
The others while gross, can maybe be overlooked if these things can change ASAP.
When you talk to him, let him know that you are more than willing to work on something for him if he'll work on this for you. Making changes together will make it so he doesn't feel like you think your shit don't stink.
I'm sorry, bro, but you need to back that up with some evidence.
The fact of the matter is, I don't want to go in to a public restroom and watch some dude not wash his hands and then grab the door handle to leave. I really have an aversion to having to touch other people's piss/shit, so yeah, I'd really like to see some evidence supporting your nonsense.
/off topic
Anyway, as a few other people have said, we're just random dudes on the internet and the "DIVORCE. NOW." comment is going to look knee jerk, but seriously, divorce is your only option if he won't shape up.
I think the commotion about residual urine on his fucking foreskin is a bit too much.
I shake so i don' t get tiny peestains, but i am not in the illusion that i got all the pee off. And i'm not washing my dick in the company sink, i tell you that.
If it smells it's because he doesn't wash there, and skincells and bacteria build up. Pee is actually, ever so slightly, improving the situation because of the ammonia which kills some germs.
I think she's asking him to clean it when he's in the shower.
And besides that...if it's starting to stink because he doesn't get most of the pee off after going...she has every right to refuse putting that anywhere in her.
I was just alerting her to the fact that urine and foresking are pretty hard to sperate on a day-to-day basis.
OP, I get you want to stay with him. If you want this to change, you should still leave. Don't say anything, just a leave a note and stay with a friend or in a hotel for a night or two. Show him beyond any doubt you aren't putting up with that dehumanizing abusive shit anymore. If he's still not willing to talk and work on this, you should stay gone and never look back.
Note: Talk actions. "I've tried to speak with you about this and I feel shut down or ignored each time and nothing changes. You continue to do hurtful things over my objections. I've left so that you can see I'm serious about making changes. If you won't change too, we are done. But if you're willing to start taking actions to save this relationship, then... XXXXXXXXXXX" where xxx is some actions - get clean and make a therapist appointment or something. Short and sweet.
WARNING: if you threaten to leave and don't, or don't follow through on what you say, you'll end up right back where you started, only worse because he knows you won't stand up for yourself.
Can't be worth it.
Straight up ANIMAL behavior.
I can't imagine so.
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The short and sweet issue is: The OP's husband doesn't respect her. At all.
You need to sit the man down and explain things in a way that he'll understand. I mean, if he were to explain this behaviour to other people, what would it sound like?
It sounds like her husband (among other things) needs to learn to regularly wash his penis (and also his body), but there's no benefit whatsoever in retracting your foreskin before you pee. I haven't exactly taken a straw poll, but this is the first time I've ever heard of that concept. Then again I don't live in a country that has the bizarre foreskin complex that the USA does.
I think you need to sit your husband down and tell him that if he doesn't start acting like an adult you'll leave him. If you're not exagerating about his behaviour he's well past the point of being utterly unreasonable. I would have been ashamed to shit in the shower when I was 5 years old, let alone as a fully grown man. It's just absurd.
Wait... your husband still gets blowjobs after five years?!? I've been married three and I can't get my junk anywhere above my wife's waist.
I don't necessarily think sex is the proper reward for basic hygiene. I mean, the dude should want to be clean, if not for himself, then at the very least because it's what you want.