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I can't read this girl.

i n c u b u si n c u b u s Registered User regular
edited January 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
So since my last relationship ended a few months ago I've been doing the recommended guy time and going out as much as possible to keep myself occupied. Things are going pretty well and I've managed to go on a couple dates and hook up occasionally although I pretty much made up my mind not to consider any of the girls I meet at these parties to be relationship material. Until I come across this one girl before the holiday break. She's cool, down to earth, pretty much me in girl form as far as interests go which is next to impossible to find down here in lower Alabama. So I decide to try and make my move but turns out she has a boyfriend that lives in Tennessee, no problem I'll back off. Then she starts to show a little interest in me even though I've laid off a bit by sending texts about every other day to hang out or to do something just the two of us. This throws me off a bit but I don't decline any offers but almost every time we make plans she cancels last minute due to her boyfriend not liking the situation. Again I tell myself no sweat she's a taken girl I should've expected this. Jump to yesterday as I'm sitting in class and get a text that says she wants me to come see her at work later. Again I think maybe something is going on since she had called me last week to talk about how she's having problems with her bf. I go see her at work which tuns into an invite to come drink at her house later that evening. At the party I can't seem to find any signs of interest at all, she doesn't completely ignore me and we talk a bit from time to time but other than that nothing. I'm basically confused at the moment and would love an outside point of view. I've asked a couple mutual friends and they all think telling from what she's done and what not that she's probably showing interest but regretting it every time because she has a bf.

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    edited January 2010
    Well, she's got a boyfriend. Until she makes it pretty clear that she's either done with him or that he's cool with her having another boyfriend as well, you should probably just back off.

    Richard M. Nixon on
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    strategerystrategery Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    So since my last relationship ended a few months ago I've been doing the recommended guy time and going out as much as possible to keep myself occupied. Things are going pretty well and I've managed to go on a couple dates and hook up occasionally although I pretty much made up my mind not to consider any of the girls I meet at these parties to be relationship material. Until I come across this one girl before the holiday break. She's cool, down to earth, pretty much me in girl form as far as interests go which is next to impossible to find down here in lower Alabama. So I decide to try and make my move but turns out she has a boyfriend that lives in Tennessee, no problem I'll back off. Then she starts to show a little interest in me even though I've laid off a bit by sending texts about every other day to hang out or to do something just the two of us. This throws me off a bit but I don't decline any offers but almost every time we make plans she cancels last minute due to her boyfriend not liking the situation. Again I tell myself no sweat she's a taken girl I should've expected this. Jump to yesterday as I'm sitting in class and get a text that says she wants me to come see her at work later. Again I think maybe something is going on since she had called me last week to talk about how she's having problems with her bf. I go see her at work which tuns into an invite to come drink at her house later that evening. At the party I can't seem to find any signs of interest at all, she doesn't completely ignore me and we talk a bit from time to time but other than that nothing. I'm basically confused at the moment and would love an outside point of view. I've asked a couple mutual friends and they all think telling from what she's done and what not that she's probably showing interest but regretting it every time because she has a bf.

    I would say she's definitely interested in you, and in a way that extends beyond simple friendship. If she just wanted to be friends I highly doubt she'd cancel your plans to do stuff. Unless her boyfriend is that much of a controlling bastard(IE: doesn't like her having friends of the male persuasion). However, she comes to you talking about problems with her BF, she invites you out to drink at her place later, and then somewhat ignores you. To me, that sounds like she's playing a little game. She knows her boyfriend in Tennessee probably wants to stay with her, but she also is probably sensing interest from you. So now it's a matter of her sitting back and seeing who wants her more. I'll bet she's simply giving you the opportunities, and waiting for you to make a move.

    So on to the important question. Do you want this girl or not? Because the fact is, if you make a move, the worst that can happen is she asks you to back off and just wants to be friends. Or, in essence, you're right back where you started. Just know that most guys don't take kindly to you stealin their girls. But this is why long-distance relationships seldom work.

    Edit: I am in no way advising you to get her to cheat on her boyfriend. DO NOT TAKE THIS ADVISE AS THAT. I am merely saying it doesn't appear, from what your telling us, that she has shut the door entirely. If you build up a relationship with her and it gets to any physical points, make it very clear you don't want to move forward unless she wants to be with you. She's free to make up her own mind about this too, but do not try to get her to cheat. That's really not cool.

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    SipexSipex Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    This...actually really depends on your view of things. You'll get a whole load of personal opinions here but really, in order to help you I'm just going to consider your view.

    - If you're really interested in her it seems she doesn't want to betray her BF, so don't push it. Stay friends with her for now, hang out, just have fun. Who knows what will happen in the future?

    - If she breaks up with her current BF...well, do what you think is right. It's...really hard to judge actually. Maybe ask for advice here? You'll need to assess if she's looking for a serious relationship immediately (broke up with him for you), looking for a rebound or not looking at all (ie: give her some time).

    - If she makes a move on you without telling you she's left her BF I'd back off a bit since you sound like you actually want to start a relationship with her. Tell her you actually feel like you guys have a lot in common and that you wouldn't feel comfortable starting anything with her unless she let her BF off first.

    Sipex on
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    Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion A fixed point in space and timeRegistered User regular
    edited January 2010
    She's keeping you on a string. Maybe she's all mixed up and likes you but doesn't know what to do about her boyfriend in Tennessee, but the end result is that you're being kept on a line, my friend. If you don't mind waiting around and constantly responding to her overtures (which she will inevitably cancel) until she figures out what she wants to do, then by all means stick around. My recommendation would be to tell her you want something more and ask her out. If she tells you she needs to work things out with her boyfriend, tell her to let you know when she's free. Otherwise, I'd just steer clear. No need to be rude, but just let her know you're happy to see her in social gatherings, but that constantly setting things up and canceling is not the way to build a friendship, or something more, for that matter.

    Inquisitor77 on
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    SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    She's keeping you on a string. Maybe she's all mixed up and likes you but doesn't know what to do about her boyfriend in Tennessee, but the end result is that you're being kept on a line, my friend. If you don't mind waiting around and constantly responding to her overtures (which she will inevitably cancel) until she figures out what she wants to do, then by all means stick around. My recommendation would be to tell her you want something more and ask her out. If she tells you she needs to work things out with her boyfriend, tell her to let you know when she's free. Otherwise, I'd just steer clear. No need to be rude, but just let her know you're happy to see her in social gatherings, but that constantly setting things up and canceling is not the way to build a friendship, or something more, for that matter.


    Cut the string. She doesn't know what she wants, and until she does you're just a yo-yo dangling there.

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    adytumadytum The Inevitable Rise And FallRegistered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Yup, she's keeping her options wide-open. Don't let her keep treating you like a sucker.

    adytum on
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    WillethWilleth Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    If you're going to cut the line in any case because you don't want to be strung along, I say there's no harm in being frank with her and telling her that you're interested, you think she's interested, but she needs to make up her mind as to what she wants to do and you're not going to go out with her if she's caught up with her boyfriend.

    If she reacts badly, then fine, you were going to cut the line anyway. If she goes for you instead of him, then that's a pretty positive outcome.

    Bear in mind that she's in a long-distance relationship and you're the third wheel - if it were her asking what to do here the advice would probably be along the lines of 'don't cheat, but make sure you've chosen the right guy, and don't just choose the new guy because you're getting antsy.' This situation sucks for you - no-one wants to be the guy that breaks up a relationship, but if she's as down-to-earth and reasonable as you say, she's perfectly capable of making a decision between the long-distance relationship she's had for a while (presumably) and the new one that might perhaps be more worthwhile.

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    GothicLargoGothicLargo Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Willeth wrote: »
    If you're going to cut the line in any case because you don't want to be strung along, I say there's no harm in being frank with her and telling her that you're interested, you think she's interested, but she needs to make up her mind as to what she wants to do and you're not going to go out with her if she's caught up with her boyfriend.

    I agree with this general point. I'd say 70/30 it will probably go south but it's better then being a sucker.

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    SmurphSmurph Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Willeth wrote: »
    If you're going to cut the line in any case because you don't want to be strung along, I say there's no harm in being frank with her and telling her that you're interested, you think she's interested, but she needs to make up her mind as to what she wants to do and you're not going to go out with her if she's caught up with her boyfriend.

    I agree with this general point. I'd say 70/30 it will probably go south but it's better then being a sucker.

    I'll second this. If she is interested in you, she should be honest with her boyfriend about it. Stringing you both along is the least mature way of handling it. If she wants to keep a second guy on the back burner in addition to the boyfriend, just remember that she could still be doing this should you wind up her boyfriend at some point.

    Smurph on
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    PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    If you told her you dig her, she's stringing you along.

    But if you told her you want to be friends, shes just being a friend and the reason it's weird is you.

    Guess where my money is.

    PirateJon on
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    ScalfinScalfin __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2010
    Don't go out with her. You know that she has a boyfriend, so any moves you make will be taking advantage of and exacerbating any of the doubts insecurities that she has that are natural for any relationship. In this case, the strain is most likely distance.

    Try to find a mutual friend who will tell you if she's single. Actually, the fact that the main problem with her relationship is probably logistical means that the boyfriend might be willing to drop you a line if they break up on good terms if you ask the right way.

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    GodfatherGodfather Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    You need to pursue other women.


    The boyfriend doesn't mean shit really, it's just that for you personally, you need to move on. She's already shown interest in you, all you really need to do is show her that you're perfectly happy without her. If this guy she's with isn't all he's cracked up to be, and you seem to be the real catch because you've showcased that you're not reliant on her for fulfillment, most cases she'll ditch the boyfriend altogether and make herself available for you.


    Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try and solve her fucking problems. This is the worst decision you could make when it comes to this, and it's practically the kiss of death. You can listen to her problems and sympathize, but do not solve them. If you do this then she's getting everything out of you emotionally while banging the other dude.

    Just tell her that you sympathize, then quickly change the subject to something upbeat.


    Worst-case scenario is that she digs the guy she's with in the end. If that's the case, well hey, you're seeing other women, so it'll be easier to move on.

    Godfather on
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    AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Dude, she has a boyfriend. You don't need to "read" her at all. Just treat her like a pal, and that's it. Seriously.

    AlyceInWonderland on
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