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Trying to get over a friend
Underdog
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm sorry, this turned out a lot longer than I expected. The tldr is sufficient in info while the thing in its entirety is really just for those who want to read an idiot talking a lot.
Edit: Oh Jesus, I'm so fucking embarassed at the length of that. I just shoved it all in a spoiler.
I have feelings for my closest friend, Amy. Or had. Fuck, I don't know. I took the plunge and asked her out. She said no, she didn't feel that way about me. It wasn't fun but at least I got a resolution about it and could stop being all moon-eyed over her. Things were awkward at first but eventually, I got over it and we were good again. Great again. That was in June and up until about a couple of days ago, I was certain that the worst of the attraction was done with. I told myself that although I could remember the things that made me like her, I didn't actually like her anymore. It seemed like a good enough distinction and I found that even when I spent time with her, I managed to hold onto that and things were fun and platonic between the two of us.
This past Friday Amy spontaneously asked if I wanted to hang out. Since I had plans to play badminton with some close friends, I asked if she wanted to join me. To my surprise she accepted and even though she always assured me she had the reflexes of a dead goat, she picked up the game very quickly for a beginner. More importantly, she had an absolutely great time despite the exercise she got.
In the middle of playing, while I was taking a breather, my friend's Mike and Aaron were curious as to whether Amy and I were a couple. I told them very quickly that I'd already asked and she hadn't been interested. Mike let it go, sensing that it really wasn't something that I wanted to chat about but Aaron likes to have the last word so he said "Hey man, learn from Robert. Eight times!" The spoiler explains this.
I brushed it off at first. Aaron just likes to get a word in and Robert's case isn't exactly the norm. But during another breather, while Amy was on court playing, I found myself getting caught up in my fantasies about us being there together, doing couple stuff. I squashed it pretty firmly and kept my eyes off her because staring is creepy but my brain was pretty insistent in trying to bring it up again. Regardless, I took it as just a lapse and shunted it away.
Then when I was driving Amy home, I mentioned that I asked out Emily, a girl I'd been interested in. Emily was already seeing someone and I hadn't exactly been head over heels for her so no biggie. I explained that to Amy and said that I was content to be her friend and nothing more. To this Amy asked me "So you're ok with her having a boyfriend and maybe even getting married with him and living happily ever after?" as a way of gauging whether I could actually genuinely be friends with her and expect nothing else. And I answered yes, I honestly could be totally fine with that. But then I had to consider that same question for Amy and I was unsurprisingly unable to come up with a firm answer.
I've noticed that when she talks about her romantic life, that I have to reserve a part of my brain to squish the feelings of jealousy that come up. This has yet to prove to be a problem and I can honestly say that since she's rejected me, I've never given her advice aimed to benefit my chances. I can't control whether you believe me when I say that but I believe it and that's pretty much all I've got.
Jesus this is long. Now I'm back on the Amy wagon. I'm not as crazy as I was before but the feelings are the same. And it's stupid. She's already said she's not interested right? So why the hell am I still on this? Why can't I get over it?
I've been having some dumb ideas since Friday. One of them involved bringing this up to her again and asking her to reject me once again. Except that this time, to be total and complete about it. Just, fucking stomp out every smidgeon of hope that I might try to hold on to. In my head, the plan works perfectly and it ends up really helping me to conclusively get past the attraction. But this feels like a really selfish plan. It's MY problem so why should she have to go through the awkward conversation of telling me to give up? She already told me no, why should she have to do it again?
Is this something a person should be able to get through on their own? Am I just, shitty at getting over her? I've never really held onto anyone after being told No, not like this. I keep wanting these feelings to just fall over and die. On the one hand I like to imagine that talking to her about this would really help me move along but on the other, I feel like I'm just being a melodramatic dumbass and that this is something people learn to take care of on their own and so I should keep it to myself and just GET OVER IT.
I feel super stupid for, well, feeling like this. And I'm so very sorry this is all so long but at least the paragraphs are each pretty short right? No wall of text to throw people off.
tl;dr - Had feelings for a friend, took a chance but she wasn't interested. Skip 6 months, a bunch of shit happens to kick start what I thought were feelings long dead and gone and now I'm a confused mess. I feel like I want to talk to her about this, have her tell me 'No' in the most definitive and complete way possible but then I feel like it's an unfair thing to ask of her to do. I feel like other people learn to get over their unrequited attractions and I should too and she shouldn't have to deal with my shit just because I'm not well adjusted enough to know how to keep it internal. What the do you guys think?This past Friday Amy spontaneously asked if I wanted to hang out. Since I had plans to play badminton with some close friends, I asked if she wanted to join me. To my surprise she accepted and even though she always assured me she had the reflexes of a dead goat, she picked up the game very quickly for a beginner. More importantly, she had an absolutely great time despite the exercise she got.
In the middle of playing, while I was taking a breather, my friend's Mike and Aaron were curious as to whether Amy and I were a couple. I told them very quickly that I'd already asked and she hadn't been interested. Mike let it go, sensing that it really wasn't something that I wanted to chat about but Aaron likes to have the last word so he said "Hey man, learn from Robert. Eight times!" The spoiler explains this.
Robert is a mutual friend. He also happens to be Aaron's brother-in-law, married to Jenn, Aaron's sister. Their story began in high school. Robert asked Jenn out. She declined. Then over the course of a few years, he continued to ask her out every so often. Eight times was what it took for her to finally agree. They have now been happily and blissfully married for more than a year.
I brushed it off at first. Aaron just likes to get a word in and Robert's case isn't exactly the norm. But during another breather, while Amy was on court playing, I found myself getting caught up in my fantasies about us being there together, doing couple stuff. I squashed it pretty firmly and kept my eyes off her because staring is creepy but my brain was pretty insistent in trying to bring it up again. Regardless, I took it as just a lapse and shunted it away.
Then when I was driving Amy home, I mentioned that I asked out Emily, a girl I'd been interested in. Emily was already seeing someone and I hadn't exactly been head over heels for her so no biggie. I explained that to Amy and said that I was content to be her friend and nothing more. To this Amy asked me "So you're ok with her having a boyfriend and maybe even getting married with him and living happily ever after?" as a way of gauging whether I could actually genuinely be friends with her and expect nothing else. And I answered yes, I honestly could be totally fine with that. But then I had to consider that same question for Amy and I was unsurprisingly unable to come up with a firm answer.
I've noticed that when she talks about her romantic life, that I have to reserve a part of my brain to squish the feelings of jealousy that come up. This has yet to prove to be a problem and I can honestly say that since she's rejected me, I've never given her advice aimed to benefit my chances. I can't control whether you believe me when I say that but I believe it and that's pretty much all I've got.
Jesus this is long. Now I'm back on the Amy wagon. I'm not as crazy as I was before but the feelings are the same. And it's stupid. She's already said she's not interested right? So why the hell am I still on this? Why can't I get over it?
I've been having some dumb ideas since Friday. One of them involved bringing this up to her again and asking her to reject me once again. Except that this time, to be total and complete about it. Just, fucking stomp out every smidgeon of hope that I might try to hold on to. In my head, the plan works perfectly and it ends up really helping me to conclusively get past the attraction. But this feels like a really selfish plan. It's MY problem so why should she have to go through the awkward conversation of telling me to give up? She already told me no, why should she have to do it again?
Is this something a person should be able to get through on their own? Am I just, shitty at getting over her? I've never really held onto anyone after being told No, not like this. I keep wanting these feelings to just fall over and die. On the one hand I like to imagine that talking to her about this would really help me move along but on the other, I feel like I'm just being a melodramatic dumbass and that this is something people learn to take care of on their own and so I should keep it to myself and just GET OVER IT.
I feel super stupid for, well, feeling like this. And I'm so very sorry this is all so long but at least the paragraphs are each pretty short right? No wall of text to throw people off.
Edit: Oh Jesus, I'm so fucking embarassed at the length of that. I just shoved it all in a spoiler.
Underdog on
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I wouldn't tell her, you tried once and she said no and it's only been 6 months. Unless she starts showing signs that she has feelings for you I would just stick with the friendship. I'd also suggest taking a week away from her, or just start hanging out a little less. If you hang out every day, cut it down to every other for instance. Just until you can get over these feelings again of course.
Keep looking at other women too, remind yourself that you can ask these women out and that you're not dating, remind your heart that there are other options.
Maybe join a dating site, convince yourself that "Hey, I'm looking elsewhere than Amy for a good partner."
Trust me on this.
Seriously. I've had to give this fucking no out like 3 times in the last 2 years. He still is just getting over it and It makes us both feel shitty. The 3rd time around I was downright pissed off. If you need to stay away from her for a longer time, take it. If shes calls you an asshole for it, thats on her, but its in your hands to figure out how to get over it.
Or a good breakup. :P
The only real remedy is not spending time together, and it unfortunately usually becomes the nuclear option. But in the long run, don't push it, or talk about it with her, it will only make things even more complex. And just completely write off ever having a relationship, or hookup, or whatever else. Once it's set in your mind, things become easier, it just takes some time.
As long as she's not one of those girls who is a mega flirt for the explicit purpose of keeping a harem of dudes around to lavish attention and exploit for help. If that's the case, then you should just move past the friendship, because it's definitely never going happen, and you're just going to get used.
I knew that I needed time to get over it but I guess I panicked when the feelings resurfaced after 6 months. I got worried that if 6 months didn't do anything then maybe they'd never disappear and I'd be left with the choice of choking down my jealousy for the rest of my life or just stop being friends with her altogether. And both options scared me.
I think I'll shelve the talk to her about it idea. It's not like I'm obsessed with her, thinking about her every 5 minutes, which I guess actually can be viewed as progressed. I guess I just expected to be farther along and then freaked when I realized I hadn't gone that far afterall. And no, I don't really detect a change in our relationship. No real signs that she's changed her mind to see me as anything more than Friend Underdog.
As for the advice to not seeing her too frequently, it's not really a problem. She's still in school so her schedule isn't exactly free. I'll probably see her once or twice again this month (considering how often I go out, that'd actually qualify as seeing someone a lot) but that's only because reading week is coming up. After this month, it'll likely be April before we manage to spend any time together.
And yes, my friend is an idiot. I could almost hate him for the "joke" but I won't. Might make him walk home the next time I drive him to badminton again.
I kinda wish... I kinda wish I could just go back to being her friend and wanting nothing more. As weird as it sounds, being attracted to her is irritating.
Hohoho, boy do I know...two of them, in fact :x Right as we speak.
Fuck.
It doesn't sound weird.
goodness yes, as a girl who has been in this situation a few times, i hate breaking their hearts to pieces. of course, when a dude has gotten fixated on me in the past, i don't go hang out with just him one on onesies anymore because it does exactly what it did to you here, hope.
I met a guy through a bunch of friends 6 weeks ago, and he's a notorious flirt, and he has been flirting with me for weeks now. We've started hanging out together, and we've been getting closer, and naturally, I've fallen head over heels. But last week he gave me a pretty clear signal nothing would ever happen.
I've been struggling with how to go forward. I figured I'd just stop talking to him and stop hanging out, despite my massive urges to call and make plans, and despite the fact it would mean cutting out a lot of social gatherings with mutual friends. But I can't see any other way to do it. He's going to flirt with me, and stare at me with those fucking lovely eyes, and be physically affectionate, because that's just who he is, and it's got nothing to do with me.
I think it's good you're not going to bring it up with her, but I totally feel you dude. This shit sucks all kinds of balls.
Ok I'm super glad I've been talked out of getting her to break my heart then. And it wasn't being one on one with her that gave me hope. It was my stupid friend Aaron. But I guess in a way it was a good thing. Made me realize that I still have a ways to go before I get those thoughts out of my head completely.
Wow you've actually got it a lot worse than me. She's not flirty, although she can be a physical person. She doesn't really do anything to actively encourage my attraction, I just, she's great and apparently, I'm attracted to great. Who knew?
But I feel you and I think most of the advice here applies. Not seeing him (especially since he seems to egg you on after letting you know that it's not going to happen) will definitely be for the best. If that is cutting into your time with friends, maybe explain to some of your closer friends your situation and arrange outings that exclude him. Having to deal with this AND losing contact with your friends seems like a raw deal.
I was actually very lucky the first time around. I asked her out in late May and after only a few weeks of moping around, she flew off to France for a month of studying abroad. So contact was pretty much cut for 4 weeks. And during this month, I had family come to visit and that sucked up almost all my time and thought. I actually didn't have a single thought of her for about 2 weeks, which shocked me and made me believe I was completely over her.
Wistful sighs all round.
I think I will mention it to some of my friends. I'm pretty sure they'll understand completely. I'm going on a holiday in two weeks. I do not want to be moping around after this guy while I'm away. Talking about it here has provided acute relief, I have to say. I'm feeling noticably better about it.
Hooray strangers on the internet!
It sounds like you're on the right track Underdog, and others are keeping you pointed in the right direction. Sometimes you just have to power through these things; they're not exactly good situations for anyone involved. Although yeah, your friend is a bit of an idiot.
It sure is fun for a while though, isn't it?