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Killing that which endures
JoshEth
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Basically, I'm 18, and in Uni in the UK. Just so you know that for reference.
When I was 13/14 years old, in Year 9, I realised I was gay. The cause of this realisation? A hot guy named Ryan. Here's the kicker though: he hated me with a passion. And regularly beat me up, and basically tortured me throughout the 3 years until the end of school.
I went to a local college, he went to a different local college. We never saw each other ever again, and like they say "out of sight, out of mind." I quickly got over my insane mega-crush on him, and moved onto fancying DIFFERENT straight guys. (Oh, yeah: he's straight as a ruler.)
So I didn't see him, or even really think about him at all, through those 2 years of time at college. And then, a few months back (September, to be pointlessly specific), I moved out of town to attend University.
It's been 2 and a half years since I've seen Ryan. Or heard from him. Or heard about him. But now's the weird thing: a few weeks back, I started randomly thinking about him. Quite a lot. Needless to say, the old pain-in-my-ass crush is back with reinforcements.
So, how would I go about getting rid of this thing? Bearing in mind that the usual advice of "avoid him, and don't see him at all" seems redundant since I haven't seen him in years.
When I was 13/14 years old, in Year 9, I realised I was gay. The cause of this realisation? A hot guy named Ryan. Here's the kicker though: he hated me with a passion. And regularly beat me up, and basically tortured me throughout the 3 years until the end of school.
I went to a local college, he went to a different local college. We never saw each other ever again, and like they say "out of sight, out of mind." I quickly got over my insane mega-crush on him, and moved onto fancying DIFFERENT straight guys. (Oh, yeah: he's straight as a ruler.)
So I didn't see him, or even really think about him at all, through those 2 years of time at college. And then, a few months back (September, to be pointlessly specific), I moved out of town to attend University.
It's been 2 and a half years since I've seen Ryan. Or heard from him. Or heard about him. But now's the weird thing: a few weeks back, I started randomly thinking about him. Quite a lot. Needless to say, the old pain-in-my-ass crush is back with reinforcements.
So, how would I go about getting rid of this thing? Bearing in mind that the usual advice of "avoid him, and don't see him at all" seems redundant since I haven't seen him in years.
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Are you trying to go out and meet gay guys? You're probably just lonely.
In any case, there's no "off" switch for feelings. You just outgrow them at your own pace, occasionally regress and pick up old feelings, or remain trapped in the past forever for one reason or another.
Anyway, it might be a good idea to figure out why Ryan appealed to you so much and, more specifically, why you want him now.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Since arriving at Uni, I'd developed a crush on this guy named Rob. Surprise surprise, he's straight. With a long term girlfriend. So I pined after him for months, but then just before Christmas, I finally managed to drill it into my head that he's never gonna feel about me the way I do about him. After that my crush sort of seemd to...go away.
Any psychology people here that could tell me if maybe realising the pointlessness of one crush could have made me reach back and unearth my very first one?
If you want a psychologist's take, maybe you should see if your school offers free counseling services for students. Many do.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Plus both me and Ryan know so many of the same people that I'm worried it'll get back to him somehow.
Wow, if you're being at all serious, you really should see a counselor. Legitimate paranoia (rather than mere hyperbole) is something that merits immediate attention.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
And I don't need one just to work out while i'm suddenly crazy about a guy from my past again.
Also, I'd hesitate to say that your feelings for Ryan are completely separate from issues like depression. It's not hard to draw a connection between feelings of depression and your apparent affinity for unavailable and even abusive men. If nothing else, their rejection probably only compounds your feelings of depression. These are men you value, after all, and they do not value you, which must reinforce a negative self-image.
In short, I think you're mistaken when you take this issue as a simple matter of unwanted romantic feelings rather than one element of a larger problem related to a larger problem you have, be that problem shyness, paranoia, and/or depression.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Remember, who you're attracted to is reflects on yourself in a variety of ways. It shows what you value and how much you value yourself. When you find yourself pursuing unhealthy relationships, it's a telltale sign that your values and perceived values have become skewed.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
I'm not sure if this is what's happening to you, but my advice is go hang out with different people, see if you can find a society or bar or something that makes meeting gay people easier, and you'll find that the stimulation of new conversation will erase that weird nostalgia.
Meet new people at your Uni, be it in class or in extra curricular clubs or through the LGBT community (if they've got one). Spending time worrying about this will just make you spend more time worrying about it.
What exactly are you hoping to get from this thread?
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
I don't think getting in touch with him is a good idea. Even in the best-case scenario (he remembers you and wants to hang out as friends) the entire meeting will be under false pretenses.
Nurse a happy fantasy, but live as if you've forgotten him. Eventually time will erode this crush.
That or you have SERIOUS issues and need to seek genuine help. Bullying is abuse and is a definite sign of an awful human.
And bully isn't proper abuse, and they're not all awful human beings. There were loads of bullies in my school, and i ran into a bunch of them in my 2nd year of college, just out and about, and they WEREN'T dickheads anymore. Just normal guys.
No. It was abuse.
I should clarify that the counseling services offered by colleges are free, at least for a certain amount of sessions per month. You really have nothing to lose from scheduling a preliminary visit to see a counselor and determine whether or not he or she is really a stuffy, old know-it-all who'll condescend to you and mock you behind your back.
And whether or not Ryan is an awful human being is immaterial. What's important is that he was awful to you, and by desiring contact with him you are toying with deliberately inviting abuse (verbal abuse, if nothing else) onto yourself. Anyone who would do this has some issues to work out behind his or her taste in men or ability to move beyond crushes.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
As my whore of an ex once said, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. She was 100% right.
For fuck's sake why?
Seconding this, why the hell would you do that? Get in touch with someone who beat the hell out of you? Bad idea.
You're most likely thinking about this guy again because you're lonely and you've got over one crush and now have no one else to have a crush on. Having a crush on someone is a nice feeling, your brain has jumped to someone you had a big crush on before to get that nice feeling back.
There will most likely be quite a few other gay guys at uni, focus on them, not straight guys who made your life a hell.
This is obviously one of those threads where:
a) OP has unrealistic/untruthful stated goal.
b) OP is looking for validation of terrible plans to meet goal already decided in head.
c) OP responds negatively to anything that align with those plans.
Obviously OP had already decided to contact Ryan, and is looking for other people to tell him its a good idea. Continuing on a path of only being interested in men who are not gay is some sort of unhealthy psychological defense mechanism.
The worst bit about this whole thread is the awful reaction to the suggestion of counseling, and what and who counsellors are. Not sure if OP is aware that a counsellor is not a psychiatrist.
OP: You need to see a counsellor, if only for your paranoia about them. I hope for your sake you are able to work out your feelings about your sexuality and where you fit in with other people.
That's what you tell yourself, but you haven't made it clear anywhere else in the thread that you're actively working to change that. I went with a gay friend to a gay bar once and was hit on almost immediately. I never get hit on by girls. Ever.
I put it to you, that whatever your reasoning or rationalization, you don't do anything to change your situation, be it heading out to gay nights/bars, finding support groups at your uni or talking to a counsellor about your feelings. The only thing you have done recently is decide that you're going to contact a straight guy from high school who bullied you. I'm not even going to bother trying to unravel that psychological hornets nest.
Prove me wrong.
EDIT: Heck, even your thread title seems to indicate you have some emo fascination with your loneliness. Maybe you like to wallow in being unhappy? Lots of people have that stage at some point in their life.
I'm having a hard time figuring out whether or not you ACTUALLY want help.
Most, if not all, of the suggestion that have been made, you've summarily shot down.
There are PLENTY of ways to meet gay guys.
I say this because your infatuation with straight guys needs to end.
There is nothing positive that will come from those pursuits. At the very least you will waste your time and get even more emotional baggage. At worst, you could lose friendships or more.
So why, exactly, are clubs not "your scene"?
People go for different reasons.
Some may go to meet other guys for sex, others may look for guys they find attractive and can flirt with, others may go to just be out, others still just to dance and/or listen to music. If you don't like guys, music, movement or entertainment, then yes, I guess they aren't for you, but just because some people go for ______ doesn't mean you can't go for different reasons entirely.
As far as non-clubbing activities go, what about the LGBTA group at your school? Or, if that's too close to you, what about one at another uni?
There are also tons of websites to meet guys on, many of which have UK counterparts.
Beyond that, just getting out there will help you. There's no "follow these simple 3 steps to meet a gay guy and live happily ever after" guide, or everyone would do it. But following around a straight guy WILL NOT HELP YOU.
tl;dr - I'm gay and you should go meet other gay guys to get over this.
Sure you can. Everyone does. Or at least, they can control what they do about them. Otherwise half the female population would be stalking Johnny Depp, and marriage would be even more of a lost cause than it is already.
First of all, if you think some gay guy walking in and talking about his crush on straight guys is the weirdest thing any psychologist has heard that day, or in any way worth calling friends about and going "OMG GUESS WHAT", you have a seriously inflated sense of how big a deal this is. I realize that being gay is, relatively speaking, a new thing for you, but the concept has been around for a while, trust me. What you might actually want to talk to them about this point is your CRIPPLING ANXIETY DISORDER which is not only making you ridiculously paranoid but is also clearly preventing you from getting to know people you might actually have a shot at dating.
Second, your posts indicate that you have some real self-hate going on. If you aren't comfortable with who you are, that's something you need to work out. You only think some psych you don't know, and who is carefully trained not to care anymore once you walk out of the room, is going to laugh at you because YOU think it's silly, and you only care what they think at all because YOU are uncomfortable with it. Perhaps you are chasing this straight guy who hated you because it's better than finding a nice gay guy because the gay guy is GAY. And then you'd be dating a gay guy, ew.
Now if you want anything better than the armchair psychology you are going to get here from people like me you are going to have to talk to a real one, although I do assure you that the degrees and certifications in Armchair Psychology hanging over my desk are real.
WHY? Why would you do this? Why would you befriend someone who spent their teen years beating you up via any medium anywhere? Healthy individuals not clearly in need of psychiatric help do not do this. Do not do this. Let it go and instead spend your time working out what the real problem is, because I assure you there is one.
And clubs have never been my scene. Loud music that make your ears hurt, overpriced drinks, and being shepharded around my the crowd of total strangers. I'm naturally shy; always have been. So any place where there are a fuckload of total strangers are always incredibly awkward for me anyway.
There is a LGBTA group at my Uni, but for the life of me I don't know where they meet, if they even do at all. They've got a Facebook group, but I'm still not 'out' yet. I'd rather come out to people in my own time than have them find out by me going a Gay Rights group on Facebook. I can't drive (I've been meaning to learn, but between Uni work, a social life, and learning to play guitar, I'm stretched to the max), so going to other Unis is pretty much out.
And...internet dating? Seriously? I haven't hit rock bottom yet.
what
Seriously, don't do this. This is something a silly goose would do. It's just slightly better advice than telling an alcoholic "maybe you can have some beer in the fridge, that way you'll be able to make sure you're not drinking any of it."
Absolutely agreed.
Also agreed. My suggesting would be to offer an alternative to the guy who invited you out, saying basically that. "I don't like clubs, can we get dinner at a pub instead/go see a movie/whatever activity."
No need to slag internet dating man. It's no better or worse than meeting people in clubs or dating people from work/school. Does the LGBT facebook group have any kind of posted info? If your Uni has a website, you might be able to find the LGBT group through student services, or student clubs as well.
I'd like to thank you for at least giving me some perspective on how well advertised my Uni's club and events are. :P
Won't be too long until you do with your attitude.
Even if you're not out, going to your LBGT group is not going to kill you. Or a counsellor. All these wonderful, free services you get as a student that you are letting pass by because of your own hang-ups. You will never get them back (free) again, and you will never meet as many like-minded people in your life as you do when you are an undergraduate.
Trust me, shit gets a lot more real when you graduate. You need to take advantage of what you have now.
That's not rock-bottom. It's a great way for shy people to meet other people. I know so many people who met on dating sites. If you are not "out", you'll never meet anyone by chance, except maybe telepaths.