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Im kind of an emotional robot, who's waking up
Althealt
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Id love some advice because, my current condition precludes me from having anyone to discuss things with. I have no family, and so far as a support system goes ive pretty much faced the world on my own. I worked my way through college and the years after, I live alone and so far as friends go, ive never felt a great urge to socialise with anyone. I used to think on some level i was mentally lacking, just without the sense of social companionship people generally have, the need for closeness, the need for company, it all seemed alien to me. I can empathise, im not a robot, but so far as social interaction goes i have always been a lone wolf, the times i ventured out into social occasions, or tried to increase my social circle i became whistless, bored. My mind has always worked on the assumption that, i enjoy what i do, so i do it. Im not shy, not necessarily and i can hold a conversation with people, however robotically it comes across, i rarely if ever have any interest in what they say however, even if its on a topic related to something i enjoy. I feign interest, i dont like to cause people offence or harm and on occasion this has caused people to want to contact me, but since i have no desire to really talk to anyone i make a slew of excuses until the calls stop. Id like to state here again that i do emphasise, i do feel joy, happiness, sadness, though most of the time its just a gentle sense of being, i live, i live, i live, i live, if that makes sense, i dont experience lots of sadness or lots of happiness, i just live.
So far as sexual relationships go, i have observed them and on very rare occasions been propositioned, but never enjoyed the company of the partner enough to do anything with them. This is my life, and up until a few months ago this was it.
However, things have changed, there is no special someone but there is a....confusing feeling in me, i call it my sociobiological clock finally going off, im experiencing a very odd sense of loneliness, something ive never felt before in my 26 years alive. The feeling is not awe inspiring, not huge and purposeful, but still very present. I have given up on serious relationships after a brief "trial" period, to see if exposure would make me feel less like a robot, but now the prospect feels somewhat...nice. Now despite this, in the months prior to this new feeling i havent had any other urges, i havent had butterflies, or a crush or so much as a "she looks nice" glance, which makes the feeling that much more confusing, and also that much more frustrating. I should clarify that the feeling itself is not for kinship, its more specific, its for companionship, love, i have often seen couples through my life and wondered why the hell people get together, given the large range of differences, and oft points of argument, it confused me. However now it starts to make sense, if on a confusing level.
Anyway, im 26 and this is all new to me, its something i cant ignore and something i think i shouldnt ignore, but though the feeling remains i still view humanity with the same apathy i do before, so its like an itch i cant scratch.
So....the hell do i do?
So far as sexual relationships go, i have observed them and on very rare occasions been propositioned, but never enjoyed the company of the partner enough to do anything with them. This is my life, and up until a few months ago this was it.
However, things have changed, there is no special someone but there is a....confusing feeling in me, i call it my sociobiological clock finally going off, im experiencing a very odd sense of loneliness, something ive never felt before in my 26 years alive. The feeling is not awe inspiring, not huge and purposeful, but still very present. I have given up on serious relationships after a brief "trial" period, to see if exposure would make me feel less like a robot, but now the prospect feels somewhat...nice. Now despite this, in the months prior to this new feeling i havent had any other urges, i havent had butterflies, or a crush or so much as a "she looks nice" glance, which makes the feeling that much more confusing, and also that much more frustrating. I should clarify that the feeling itself is not for kinship, its more specific, its for companionship, love, i have often seen couples through my life and wondered why the hell people get together, given the large range of differences, and oft points of argument, it confused me. However now it starts to make sense, if on a confusing level.
Anyway, im 26 and this is all new to me, its something i cant ignore and something i think i shouldnt ignore, but though the feeling remains i still view humanity with the same apathy i do before, so its like an itch i cant scratch.
So....the hell do i do?
Althealt on
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It's good that you recognize this is a problem, but asking strangers on an internet forum what your problem is when a complicated psychological diagnosis is needed is kind of missing the point.
Neither counsellors have been helpful to a great degree
I should state that nothing bad has happened to me, there is no repression of memories or secrets, this is just how i am. Its probably difficult for others to accept, im on this forum to ask more, given the situation, how would you advise someone who experiences life like i do to proceed
Any specific reasons why they weren't helpful?
I mean, I don't know what you want from this forum. We can't offer more than armchair diagnoses that aren't going to be as useful as someone who you've been seeing for a while.
Mind if I ask how long you saw these counselors before you stopped going? Therapy is kind of a long-term thing, from what I understand. You need to build a relationship before they can be of much use.
I edited above, i should have been cleared in the OP so i apologise, im not after a diagnosis, more how to proceed.
Counsellors, one for sixth months another for 2 years, weekly sessions pretty much all year for the 2nd, about 6 sessions in total for the first.
If that's the case, then I suggest looking for people with similar interests as you. If you want to hang out with people, do so. Go to meetup.com. Craigslist. Find people who like to do whatever it is that you do by yourself and go do it with them, too.
If you're lonely, go find some people to be un-lonely with
I guess im not sure what im looking for, its almost as if im a child again, i remember hearing on a podcast once that "Whenever a person comes out as gay they are immediately 14 again, having to learn how to act socially in the world again given their new sexual identity" which almost makes alot of sense to me, the social lessons i didnt learn have to be learned. On the one hand its an adventure, on the other hands its pretty frightening, short answer is ive been apathetic for so long i havent any idea how to function with any sort of normal integrity around other people.
There is no magical handbook for becoming good at socializing with people. You just have to do it and figure out what makes people think you're weird and what doesn't. Think of it this way: if you continue to not socialize and stay in your apathetic state, you'll never learn how to do it. And then you'll be 50 years old with no friends to call 9-1-1 if you have a heart attack. People with support groups tend to live longer and happier lives than those who don't.
It may be frightening to someone who has never done it before, but we all have to. I think you would rather try to socialize than stay lonely. When you screw up though (and you will) and lose a friend because of it, don't be hard on yourself. Take it as a learning experience and move on.
Then you need to do what the rest of us did at 14* -- practice. Talk to people when you're waiting in line, or sitting at a coffee shop, or in a bar, or wherever. Get involved in activities, meetups, anything you think you might be interested in.
Besides experience, practice will help you figure out what you're really looking for. You may be going through a massive social revolution, or you may just want one person you can open up to.
*Technically a lie. I had a something of a social shutdown around 14 -- not due to any trauma or particular reason, it just worked out that way. I kinda rebooted at 18 and have been working my way up ever since.
I go to the gym very regularly, do people talk to strangers at the gym? I always thought it was somewhere people got away from social discourse and worries. I dont think it would do my new found curiosity good to hear "fuck off" while trying to chat to a good sir on the treadmill
Dude, just get out there and try and break yourself from feeling apathetic all the time. Force yourself into social situations, and you might find several people who you genuinely want to be around.
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Well after 20 plus years of being alone, of course you will start to feel lonely. I have one thing to ask, do you feel superior to other people around you?
This will be here until I receive an apology or Weedlordvegeta get any consequences for being a bully
In intelligence? No. However i feel advantaged to some extent, i have had acquaintances and i have experienced people all my life and the general concensus is that most people are kind of jerks. I dont think thats necessarily a problem thats just the way it is i suppose. Im glad i dont care, or at least didnt, what people thought of me, thats something everyone should probably have, the bonus being ive pretty much done everything i have wanted to thus far, because the only person i answer to is myself. I have spent alot of time in my life watching people, watching their interactions and on some level trying to understand what im missing and why i dont feel the same things they seem to.
Superior is not the word, im not "better" than anyone, im just different to most people perhaps. I figure that people are the way they are and if i felt most of the things they did i would be the same way, shits just life.
For me it was a somewhat dramatic realization that as interesting as I find games (and I do find them very interesting) I find them most interesting when played with and against other people. That evolved into the realization that people are pretty damn interesting.
I still suck at the whole, "why should I try to talk to this random person?" thing, but I have successfully pushed a lot of the boundaries of my comfort zone.
What generates the biggest emotional desire is, not competition, nor discourse just...understanding perhaps. I mean i know im odd, the first reply in this thread was "get therapy" which is understandable. Its an old romantic movie tale, the misunderstood character finds someone who "gets" them, it would be nice to be "got", to be as i am but be loved for that. The more i express this the more farcical it seems, its silly romanticised twaddle, movies are entertaining falsehoods, and very dangerous to those who pecieve their view of the world from them. But the notion remains comforting. Still at 26 having yet to find someone so much to crush on my expectations are limited, but i will venture out into the world and test my hand, slowly at least. Who knows
Also, you may be surprised to discover that something can be both romanticized twaddle and realistic emotional development. :P
Its comforting to think about so ill keep it in the back of my head. Women are odd to me, i can recognise attraction, and that attraction takes guidlines so i know there is a type that i find more attractive than others. But no butterflies, butterflies sounds nice, i can imagine the feeling because ive been nervous and anticipated things before that have produced a reaction like that described but never one correlated to attraction.
But, uh, good luck!
I live in Australia though, where people are alright.
edit: I'm also getting a weird
vibe here.
Some people are just happy that way. Are you happy?
I hope my existence to you is as comforting as yours is to me, im serious about that.
Am i happy...i dont really know, im not unhappy, i dont experience alot of emotion i just...do i wake, do what i need to do for work, do what i like to do when im free, go to sleep, wake up do again.
And im not like Sheldon
To the happy question, lets put it this way, were i not to be experiencing this new surge of feeling i would remain as i am, i imagine, for as long as i live, so i cant be unhappy.
What are your hobbies? Do you find anything interesting? Have you ever met anyone you wanted to talk to again?
When you say "leave the conversation", leave it to do what/go where?
Hobbies, i like learning things, languages, musical instruments, philosophy that sort of thing, but thats very much something i do alone. Its hard to explain but i set the rules doing it alone, i can dedicate as much or as little time as like to it, once a day, once a week or once every 5 months, which often has the benefit of making me learn a portion of these things every day. I enjoy computer games to an extent, but i wouldnt say i was an ardent buyer, one or two games a year perhaps. Tv is pretty good too, watch a fair chunk, that and going to the gym often.
Have i met anyone id like to talk to again? Ive never really had a friend so no, no siblings either, ive always just preferred my own company, its more productive, im not bothered by peoples issues and their problems, save from a general viewpoint. Most peoples problems are silly and fixable easily, there seems a desire to lean on others, gossip about others, i dunno i find it all very unpleasant. I guess you could call me extremely selfish, and that would be right, but since all i have is myself theres no real negative connotation to that.
Leaving conversations; pretty much as above, i dont find people interesting, i dont find their problems interesting, i find that also, often, people talk to be polite, as if they are doing something good there. I am confused by the incessant need to "talk" for "talkings sake", it is often clearly obvious two people have nothing to discuss, and faux care about each others issues to reach a "safe" social zone where both can leave without social stigma.
This is getting a little scary because you keep describing me down to a pretty intimate level of detail but whatever. One thing I've found is that talking to super smart people, or more accurately very smart people who are also good conversationalists, actually is pretty rewarding, at least much more so than the general chit chat that characterizes 99% of what people say to each other. Unfortunately I'm not sure "meet smart, interesting people" is really a solution, because that's the conversational equivalent of saying "only wake up on good days" or something, given that you can't just ignore everyone else, but at least it's something to go on.
It's really my responsibility/your responsibility as much as it is the other person's to keep a conversation interesting, and if you're like me (which it appears you are to a scary degree) then you probably find it hard to keep talking for any amount of time without dropping into the stupid sorts of platitudes that make you dislike conversation in the first place, because frankly keeping up intelligent discourse in an unstructured setting takes work, but I'm thinking that practice can help, and the more you work at being an interesting conversationalist yourself the more interesting conversations you'll get out of people.
This is, of course, conjecture, because I'm content simply to wander away from people after about a minute unless it's clear that they're brilliant or something and I can just sit back and bask in how awesome they are. And even then I feel bad for not keeping up my side.
But yeah. Try talking all smart-like. At worst you'll probably just scare people off, which saves you the trouble of extricating yourself from the conversation.
It gets better with a bit of practice. I've managed to work up a small group of acquaintances that I hang out with regularly and have become more social in my work circle. I even managed a few attempts at getting a woman. I wouldn't exactly call any of these people close friends yet and there is still the lingering ambivalence to them sometimes. Though all in all it feels like i'm moving in the right direction.
I still cherish my time to myself, but after getting over the first hill it feels good to be out there. So hang in there man.
I don't know whether it's genetic/biological, or really is caused by an event in your life, even if you think it wasn't. I can tell you that it was probably a combination of both for me. I was social in a limited way through high school - had a few "friends" but I pretty much only socialized as far as people would play video games with me or do other fun stuff with me. Didn't have the patience for typical teen (or adult) drama, and so everyone slowly drifted away from me.
This reinforced my feeling that people are fickle and not worth the effort of befriending, but I can pretty much admit it is my fault and not theirs. I am scared of being taken advantage of by people because I am a nice guy at heart, and at the same time, I don't want to feel the responsibility of having to put constant work into a friendship in order to maintain it.
I can be honest enough with myself to guess that it might be, at least partially, a fear of loss and rejection that keeps me away from people. If I don't take any risks befriending anyone, then I don't have to risk finding out that I'm not friend material. Not having to deal with BS problems and interactions is both a bonus, and an excuse I can tell myself so I don't feel bad about it.
Somewhat paradoxically for me, I don't have a problem in my love life. At age 18, I sort of made the decision that I don't care about friends, but I want a girlfriend. So I got one. Have had one ever since, married now. She of course thinks it's unusual that I don't have friends, but it doesn't really matter to her. It's nice to have a significant other because it's someone to talk to when you really do need to talk, and if you love her, you'll actually care about what she has to say, even if she's not spouting rocket science.
Really, you need an arranged marriage, but if you are not the right culture, things are more difficult. Try internet dating, but be very clear about your extreme introversion in your profile so that you don't attract any party girls. Check that your hygenic habits are acceptable (shower every day) and that your clothes are reasonably tasteful and tidy (i.e. no threadbare anime t-shirts).
Do you have a job? Your personality type would appeal to women who want a stable, reliable father to their children, so a paying job is probably important.
Remember that a partner would take up a lot of your time. You'd have to accompany her to parties, drive her places, watch her TV shows, comfort her when things go wrong, and if she wants to have children you can kiss goodbye to your peace and quiet. Is it worth it to you, or would you prefer tranquility?
I wouldn't try talking to random strangers. I find it a chore, and I am only moderately introverted. Join groups that interest you.
This all sounds...terrifying
I have a paying job, which pays quite well, relatively well educated and i have some aspirations to do other things higher up.
Small talk isn't the BS some people say it is, it's just a method of testing the waters of someone's outlook on life and also their willingness to participate in conversation. It'll always be a slow process as people get a feel for how each other works and sometimes 2 people just don't jive despite being good people on their own.
I find the more I socialize in any form, the easier it is to disagree with someone without offending them.
Another thing that's made socializing easier is working on the exit strategy. If you're just saying 'uh huh' constantly to some boring conversation in order to avoid offending that individual you're really doing both of yourselves a disservice. I don't know if I've found a good way to get out of talking to someone when the conversation sucks, but I'll usually just excuse myself because I've got work to do or some such.
Hope this helps.
Maybe you could open up with an agreement and then elaborate on what was so great about whatever it was? Or you could ask her about similar stuff to see how far the rabbit hole goes?
I mean, your apathy might just be a product of you conditioning yourself to feel apathetic, so you're kind of used to it. I don't think you need therapy, you sound like you have smarts about your situation.
Just put yourself through the motions, give new friendships a decent shot, after trying for a while you might find you're enjoying yourself, feeling more fulfilled, or at least doing something new and exciting.
If you find you don't enjoy it, then just do what you DO enjoy. While it's pretty uncommon, there's nothing absurd about enjoying solitude.
I used to be a lot like you. I didn't have any anxieties about other people I just wasn't interested.
I've always been able to come across as interested and engaged when most of the time people just annoyed me because I didn't want to hear about their lives and didn't see any reason why they should care about mine.
The difference is I was really depressed and I didn't know why. I was always wondering why I couldn't get any sort of emotional gratification from life. then after a while it clicked with me that the emotional void I was experiencing was the result of my apathy towards human beings. so I started actively pursuing relationships and overall shifting my thoughts towards the concerns and behaviors of other people. and for me at least when viewed through this lens life started to appear a lot less confusing and alienating. now I'm much happier and far more fufilled.
So now I'm feeling that 'socialogical clock' ticking and have no idea where to go from here...
EDIT: There's no point to this message, just thought I'd point out that it could be worse :?
I went to the Gym on Monday, and the same people were there and I felt i had nothing to say to them as usual, so i went about my exercises. I felt i owed the "talking to people" a shot so in the cafe afterwards i went against my usual instinct and attempted a conversation with the girl behind the counter while purchasing a drink, nothing fancy, i told her i had been coming here often and recognised her, she said she had seen me around from time to time. I then blanked for anything to say after that and smiled and walked away, kind of dull but painless and quick. I spent the night thinking that this was now possibly a bad road i was walking down, she would feel compelled to speak to me in the future and perhaps best i avoid the cafe entirely. Skip to today when i go again and she is indeed working there, i avoid the cafe because i have nothing to say and on my way out i have a tap on my shoulder, odd, i turn and she is there, at this point im working out what to say so that i can leave and she hands me a card with her email adress and name on it, again odd, she says this
"If your on facebook or something look me up"
How odd, i smile and say "sure" which seemed to me the only polite thing to say so i could leave. I do not have facebook, this is all very bewildering and i am now questioning whether to change gyms.
....what happened
Dude, it's gonna take practice, but it just sounds like nerves got the better of you. If you really want to change the way you are you gotta get out of your comfort zone. Maybe you could make a facebook and add your friends and her and whatnot. Just for kicks.
Edit: Reading what you write, it comes across like there's something you want out of all this. At first it'll be in the forefront of your mind, but as you get more comfortable talking to people face to face you'll end up kinda forgetting about that and just converse more naturally.
Play "The Sims" - it can be oddly enlightening on why people do things.
Also, sign up to Facebook. People use it to contact their friends. If you don't currently have friends, send friend requests to people who you knew in childhood, to bulk out your friends list.
Well not having any friends precluded the need for facebook before, i wasnt nervous, i dont get nervous in these situations, just confused really.
Successful? Well i guess thats progress then
I shall create a facebook and see how it goes, though the prospect of talking to this girl again is not something im looking forward too, perhaps ill mention the weather, people talk about the weather i believe.