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So am I the bad guy here? (girl-friend issue)
Spectral Swallow
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, so about a year ago a friend(A) invites me to go to the movies with her. Not as a date or anything, but just as friends. So when I get there she(A) asks if we can invite ANOTHER friend(B) to go too, since her(B) husband is off in Iraq.
Now all three of us have worked together in the past and it turns out the friend B and I had a WHOLE lot in common. So we start hanging out like all the time (without A), we talk on the phone, text, hang out all night (like until sunrise) watch movies, etc. But non of it is in any way sexual, it's just she's a LOT of fun to be around (She gets my 'evil' sense of humor, we can rip on the same stuff and 'get' the jokes).
So this goes on for about a year before her husband comes back home and naturally things change. She still wants to hang out and do stuff, but her husband (understandably) doesn't like that and is SUPER jealous, going so far as to say he doesn't even want her to hang out with friend A if I'm there. When we do see each other now we still talk for hours, but it feels... wrong, you know?
So I guess that's my question, how wrong is that if we're 'seeing each other' without her husband knowing? Any suggestions on how to rectify the situation?
Again I'd like to stress that NOTHING even remotely sexual happened (I'm super paranoid about people touching me) and when we do hang out all we do is just talk and joke around.
Now all three of us have worked together in the past and it turns out the friend B and I had a WHOLE lot in common. So we start hanging out like all the time (without A), we talk on the phone, text, hang out all night (like until sunrise) watch movies, etc. But non of it is in any way sexual, it's just she's a LOT of fun to be around (She gets my 'evil' sense of humor, we can rip on the same stuff and 'get' the jokes).
So this goes on for about a year before her husband comes back home and naturally things change. She still wants to hang out and do stuff, but her husband (understandably) doesn't like that and is SUPER jealous, going so far as to say he doesn't even want her to hang out with friend A if I'm there. When we do see each other now we still talk for hours, but it feels... wrong, you know?
So I guess that's my question, how wrong is that if we're 'seeing each other' without her husband knowing? Any suggestions on how to rectify the situation?
Again I'd like to stress that NOTHING even remotely sexual happened (I'm super paranoid about people touching me) and when we do hang out all we do is just talk and joke around.
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HOWEVER, B should really confront her husband about this issue and the lack of trust he has with her. It's not healthy for the relationship.
So yeah, there is some wrong there.
It's her decision about whether to hang out with you or not, but if she's your friend you should take a hard look at whether your presence in her life is hurting her marriage and whether you're ok with that.
I wouldn't call it paranoid and possessive. He's in another country possibly being shot at and all he has time to do is think. You may just be offering her friendship, but she may be wanting at the least an emotional companion she can have a relationship with because her husband isn't there.
She may be an adult, and you probably aren't the "bad guy", but I'd be very considerate of where this is headed and try and imagine what would be going through your head if you were away and you found out your special lady had a man friend she spent nights with "talking".
edit: A friend of mine recently went away under other circumstances and asked me to take his girlfriend out, given she's my friend and we all knew each other well, there were no issues. You are a variable in a relationship that is already under strain.
The thing is, her husband has been in IRAQ (a place thats not super cool to be right now) for a year, and comes home to find that he has kinda been replaced by another guy. Regardless of whether or not you guys are nailing has probably, very little to do with it.
Not knowing these people, I would still hazard a guess that before he went away, maybe way before, when they were just dating, he was the guy talking to her for hours into the night, going to movies and just really connecting on certain levels. When he comes back he finds that a new dude has pretty much moved in on that area of his life with her, and yeah, I can figure that would make him jealous. It would make me jealous. If shes gonna continue to lie, or maybe just not tell the whole truth to her husband about you guys hanging out, personally I would not hang out with her.
The best way to figure these kinds of things out is to imagine if this was happening to a good buddy of yours. If he came home, and a dude had pretty much moved into the spot of being the really cool hang out guy, and then she was lying to your buddy about hanging out with him, would you not support your buddy about being mad about it?
tl:dr You're not a dick for just being friends with her, but its kind of a dick move to be a part of her lying to him.
edit: beated by two!
Maybe if her husband got to know you he'd be cool with you guys being friends, who knows? Any chance of her AND him coming to hang out with you and A?
Even if you feel like you aren't being a bad guy here, are you prepared to potentially get your ass kicked by someone with military training.
While you may not feel like you are moving in on someone's territory, that's how it's being seen.
That's something she's suggested, but he isn't really the type of person to go out and do stuff. I mean, he's not like a dick or anything, he just has his own life and friends and doesn't really 'want' anymore. Ya know?
As for the thing about him coming and kicking my butt, it's not something I'm too worried about. So basically he and I aren't going to be friends, so I guess I should just stop being friends with her too? That kinda sucks, but the last thing I wanna do is ruin a marriage.
This is really something she needs to work out with her husband, and you don't want to be in the middle of any possible marital problems they might have.
Said way better than I could have.
Depends a lot on the dude, but if the dude is cool with it it could at least mend bridges. Maybe you actually get along really well with the guy, too, and the three of you can do things together, for example.
If you ask the guy out for beers you can say that you're seriously not trying to start anything and that the last thing you want to do is mess with his marriage. I assume she's talked about him and you could bring that sort of stuff up, like "she was talking about how you guys had to do [shitty thing] and that sounds like it really sucks. what's up with that anyway?" I mean, just smalltalk stuff that shows that you're just being a friend, and that you're happy being a friend with both of them and you're not jealous or trying to make a move.
He might be a PTSD dude, though, in which case you should just bow out and tell your friend that she should spend more time with her husband, who's been through a pretty stressful time. I imagine the last thing he wants to deal with is the idea that his wife is having fun w/o him around, despite knowing that she wasn't just waiting around every day for him to return.
Honestly, this. All of it. I'd lime it, but it'd be blinding.
The man was deployed, and it seems to me that she was using you as an emotional replacement for her husband. In my opinion, her husband has a reason to be jealous. I wouldn't feel all that comfortable with my boyfriend talking to another woman for hours on end. I've been through that already, and it sucked, and I'm definitely not a jealous person by ANY means.
Like Runn1ingman said, you really need to evaluate your friendship with her, and decide that whether or not damaging her marriage is worth it. Sneaking off with each other, or sneaking phone calls, or sneaking in general is being very deceitful. I'm not saying you're the bad guy, because it seems that you just think she's a cool person, and enjoy talking to her, but she may be getting attached to you, especially if she feels that lying to her husband just so she could talk to you is okay.
Edit: I say if you want to stay friends with this woman, you need to talk to her husband, and clarify that you're not looking for anything more than a friendship. It's still very iffy though.
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As Alyce mentioned, the fact that she seems to be going out of her way to stay in contact with you may suggest something more. I've been in a situation similar to this (though by no means identical) which ended with the wife cheating on the husband multiple times, so though the husbands fear in this instance may be irrational, considering that to him his marriage could potentially be at stake, its somewhat reasonable.
Edit: if you end up going down the "gain the husbands trust" route in order to stay friends, be aware that the process could take a VERY long time, and even then it could spark further issues between the wife/husband as trust issues escalate into fights, etc.
Nope, no flirty physical contact. I mean our 'relationship' is based purely on friendship.
Also when I say 'talk for hours' it's not something we plan on doing, it's just one of those things where we start talking about one subject and then we're laughing and joking around and look at the clock and 3 hours have gone by. She's basically like a dude friend.
But yeah I don't see her husband and I becoming friends, so I think I'll just have to cut her off. It's just crappy, because it's so rare to find someone that totally 'gets' my humor. But again, it's not worth ruining a marriage over.
I kinda figured it was wrong, but it was one of those things were I needed someone to tell me it was.
It's not "wrong" in a black and white sense. You're both consenting adults. The relationship is not sexual, and you seem to just be friends. However, life isn't a matter of absolutes. Sometimes you need to just take a step back and recognize that some situations are best left avoided.