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Anhedonia. (And general shittiness.)
Gandalf_the_Crazed
VigiloConfidoRegistered User regular
VigiloConfidoRegistered User regular
First off, I'm seeing a counselor about this. But I find multiple perspectives often help.
Basically, I don't know what happiness even feels like. I get a good grade, that's fine. I get a bad grade, that's fine too. I spend time hanging out with a friend, that distracts me for a while, but it's really just one more thing. Even visiting my family, which used to be a happy thing (I think), doesn't really mean that much to me now. I tell jokes, I laugh at the appropriate moments, but behind it all I don't think I'm really feeling anything. It's all just learned habits, "Laugh here -- smile there."
The counselor asked me to try and remember some happy times, and grab hold of how I felt then, to try and begin understanding the idea of happiness again. So I tried that. I have a little sister, she's 5 years old. I'm absolutely certain that when she was born, I was thrilled. But now, even though I can remember the event itself, the day we brought her home, the things we did while we waited in the hospital....there's no emotion attached to those memories any more. It's like I've gone blind and forgotten what it was like to see...except instead of vision, we're talking about happiness.
A few weeks ago, I accidentally stepped out in front of a car. It wasn't intentional; I was thinking about something else, and forgot to "look both ways" or whatever. But as soon as I realized what (I thought) was about to happen, things kindof slowed down. My life didn't flash before my eyes, but I did have a clear choice in my mind: to stand still, or to try and dodge the car. Basically, we can talk about the deer-in-the-headlights effect all we want, but I know that in that moment, I willingly decided to let the car hit me.
Of course, he had really good brakes, or else I wouldn't be typing this, probably. Really. Fucking amazing brakes. But the point is, I told myself I would never do anything like that, that I would never willingly give up on life. But the reality is, for a long time now, I've been waking up and having these thoughts, in this order:
1) "Oh. I didn't kick off in my sleep. Dammit."
2) "Well you know, you could rectify that right now."
3) "No, you can't do that; you have to get up and go to class. The class that you fucking hate."
Every. Damn. Morning. For a while, it was fine, I'm used to sorting through my thoughts and filtering out the bad ones. But it's begun to wear on me, and the end result is that I just don't have the will to live any more.
I've never been one to give up a fight, even when I thought it was a lost cause. This is a new development for me, I guess. Basically, I just want to lay down, go to sleep, and never wake up. The one thing that consistently keeps me from doing just that is the thought, "How will they explain to your sister why you did that to yourself? Is she ready to handle that side of life yet?"
But when an opportunity like the car comes along, where it's just "an accident" instead of a suicide, I'm not convinced I have the willpower to resist it any more. Fortunately (hahaha), my car is about as mobile as a paperweight right now, so I don't have to deal with the temptation to drive myself off the road or anything.
This is getting long.
TL;DR: Can't feel happiness, can't imagine happiness, just want some peace. Do they sell that at Wal-Mart?
Basically, I don't know what happiness even feels like. I get a good grade, that's fine. I get a bad grade, that's fine too. I spend time hanging out with a friend, that distracts me for a while, but it's really just one more thing. Even visiting my family, which used to be a happy thing (I think), doesn't really mean that much to me now. I tell jokes, I laugh at the appropriate moments, but behind it all I don't think I'm really feeling anything. It's all just learned habits, "Laugh here -- smile there."
The counselor asked me to try and remember some happy times, and grab hold of how I felt then, to try and begin understanding the idea of happiness again. So I tried that. I have a little sister, she's 5 years old. I'm absolutely certain that when she was born, I was thrilled. But now, even though I can remember the event itself, the day we brought her home, the things we did while we waited in the hospital....there's no emotion attached to those memories any more. It's like I've gone blind and forgotten what it was like to see...except instead of vision, we're talking about happiness.
A few weeks ago, I accidentally stepped out in front of a car. It wasn't intentional; I was thinking about something else, and forgot to "look both ways" or whatever. But as soon as I realized what (I thought) was about to happen, things kindof slowed down. My life didn't flash before my eyes, but I did have a clear choice in my mind: to stand still, or to try and dodge the car. Basically, we can talk about the deer-in-the-headlights effect all we want, but I know that in that moment, I willingly decided to let the car hit me.
Of course, he had really good brakes, or else I wouldn't be typing this, probably. Really. Fucking amazing brakes. But the point is, I told myself I would never do anything like that, that I would never willingly give up on life. But the reality is, for a long time now, I've been waking up and having these thoughts, in this order:
1) "Oh. I didn't kick off in my sleep. Dammit."
2) "Well you know, you could rectify that right now."
3) "No, you can't do that; you have to get up and go to class. The class that you fucking hate."
Every. Damn. Morning. For a while, it was fine, I'm used to sorting through my thoughts and filtering out the bad ones. But it's begun to wear on me, and the end result is that I just don't have the will to live any more.
I've never been one to give up a fight, even when I thought it was a lost cause. This is a new development for me, I guess. Basically, I just want to lay down, go to sleep, and never wake up. The one thing that consistently keeps me from doing just that is the thought, "How will they explain to your sister why you did that to yourself? Is she ready to handle that side of life yet?"
But when an opportunity like the car comes along, where it's just "an accident" instead of a suicide, I'm not convinced I have the willpower to resist it any more. Fortunately (hahaha), my car is about as mobile as a paperweight right now, so I don't have to deal with the temptation to drive myself off the road or anything.
This is getting long.
TL;DR: Can't feel happiness, can't imagine happiness, just want some peace. Do they sell that at Wal-Mart?
Gandalf_the_Crazed on
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EDIT: Stick with the real help.
...will do. :P
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But I'm still here, and I'm actually happy I'm still around. I got better, life got better, and it probably will for you too.
In the meantime, here's what I did:
1) I got my ass to a psychiatrist. It sounds like your seeing a counselor, but it doesn't sound like it's helping much. I did some counseling, but I also went to see a doc who could prescribe drugs and got on anti-depressants. For me, taking anti-depressants was a bit like taking Tylenol for a bad headache. They didn't make the pain go away, but they did take the edge off enough to make things tolerable. If you do go on anti-depressants FOLLOW YOUR DOCTOR'S ADVICE on dosing, and keep in touch with your doc (weekly if needed) about any side effects or if they aren't helping. My experience was that it takes some time to find the right dose of the right drug. DON'T JUST STOP TAKING THEM after you've started, as stopping them suddenly can be unpleasant.
2) I started taking better care of myself. Started eating better, excercising, and most importantly, following a regular sleep schedule. Think of it like having the flu. If you get plenty of rest, get lots of vitamins, and just generally take better care of your self, you'll recover faster. For me, taking a multi vitamin every day seemed to help quite a bit. I also found SAM-E helpful (a dietary supplement available at any health food store, I got mine from CostCo). If you do use any supplements, tell your doc about them. Some don't work well with SSRIs.
3) I avoided destructive behavior. Stop drinking for a while, stop smoking, stop using any non-prescribed drugs (if you are) and stay away from any destructive relationships. I don't know if any of those apply to you, but if they do, take a break from them until you're feeling better. If you're friends, parents, exes, are a source of stress rather than comfort, just take some time off from dealing with them for a while. You'll have time to work on those relationships later. For now, worry about you. Working on meditation or relaxation techniques sometimes helped me also.
This may all sound like BS to you (it did to me at the time). When you're in that place, it's hard to believe that it could ever get better. But things can and do get better. If none of the things above help, there are dozens of others that will.
Email is in my profile if you have any questions you want to ask offline.
tl;dr: Things get better. See a doc. Take better care of yourself. Email me if you have questions.
While a bit pretentious (:D) I do agree with this. You mention that your main reason for not having killed yourself already is that you have people who will question and wonder why you did what you did. It sounds cheesy, but you are important to these people. You dying just cause you feel like it is a bit selfish
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Again, forewarning, this is stupid as all hell, but I was living to come home and tune in to bassdrive radio. I'm not even kidding. Listening to the 7+ minute grooves just zen-ed me out of thoughts and I fell into the beats. I didn't have the first thing to do with the drum and base genre before then, I just caught a bit of it somewhere and got hooked.
Explore something new. It's not a professional cure, but it might stave things off.
Good luck at any rate.
That is me from about a year ago. Antidepressants AND therapy both together have been a lifesaver. While I am not giddy with joy (nor do I think I ever will be) the thoughts of hopelessness are gone and overall I feel better about myself and life in general.
Edit: spelling fail.