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I need to vent, or some help, or something...

althelp41880althelp41880 Registered User new member
edited March 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
This is an alt, obviously. I'm Male, 24yo. I live in a large city.

So, I'm not sure exactly what I want to say here... but I feel that my life is missing that 'zest' that other people seem to have no problem finding. I guess I should start with some background:

I've never was a popular kid in school, nor was I a guy with a large group of friends. However, I felt just fine with having one or two good friends. That's more than anyone could ask for right? I didn't really date at all in high school or college (although I went on a few), and never had a girlfriend. I was fine with this because I was more focused on the schoolwork, and in college, on my internship and learning about my career. I graduated, earned myself what is practically a dream job for me, and live a life with practically no stress or worries. However, I'm the guy that people go to for financial advice, not for having a 'good time'.

However, I find myself slowly losing my friends and my prospects for meeting new people seem to be not working out. For example, I'm passionate about learning more about programming, so I learn new technologies and such on my own time. This is cool with my coworkers, for example, because I teach them the things that I learn. A lot of my spare time is devoted to doing this and I love it. My friends, however, aren't programmers, so I can't really share this passion with them. I can understand why they find it boring to talk about. It seems that more and more, we simply don't have much to talk about. I guess this can be expected... you won't have the same friends for life (unless you're lucky), and people change. However, I'm not finding 'replacements' for the people I'm drifting away from.

I've tried (a common recommendation on these forums) - and for my interests, I've either not really clicked with the group, or (in many more cases), simply no one shows up to the groups (or the groups are becoming inactive due to inconsistent membership). I've thought about being a "big brother", but to be honest, I wouldn't find myself to be a good role model. I mean, I have few friends, can't get a girlfriend, so my only true 'ability' is to show my charge how working all the time can start making you miserable. I've done charity work before, and while giving / helping the less fortunate can give you a temporary 'feel good' feeling, I'm not doing it because I really feel like it. I'd rather be playing video games or programming. I like racing cars... but it's relatively expensive to do, so I don't get to do it often. It's a minimum of 500 bucks for the inspection, track insurance, registration fees, and helmet rental, and that's discounting if I need to get items repaired up to spec or if any damage occurs at the track from running off road.

I have self imposed limitations - I don't drink, or smoke (personal choice, asthma respectively), and while I can watch sports if it's the only thing on, I don't go out of my way to care about it. I didn't watch the super bowl this year, for example. My friends and coworkers are outwardly respectful of this - they don't care that I don't drink, but I know that I don't get invited to everything that goes on because they plan to be drinkng a bunch and probably don't appreciate having a 'buzz-kill' along (even though I dont care that they are drinking). I can understand why people would think I'm a boring person. I'm also younger than all of my coworkers by about 10 years or so, so the few that would be cool to hang out with outside of work have families and such that reserve their time. Children are black holes of time, I hear. I've tried things like okcupid for both friends and dates, but people must not find me attractive enough. Ever since I saw Yes Man (the movie was only meh), I've gone to everything I was invited to go to. Unfortunately, that's not a lot.

My initial problem is that I don't get out of my apartment enough. With my fewer social connections, leaving to go someplace alone sucks. For example, going to a 'bar' and not drinking seems absurd on the face of it. I've considered travelling alone to new places, but without anyone to share it with, it seems empty. I've sat in coffee shops and read books, or done some programming just to get out of the house, but because I seem to be intently working, I assume people just leave me alone. And to be honest, I guess I tend to focus too much on those so I'm not looking for other people to talk to (even though that entire train of thought seems creepy to me). I've thought about getting a pet (since I could use the companionship and taking it for walks and whatnot is a good way to meet new people also doing the same), but with my work schedule and apartment complex, I don't think it would work out. I also don't know if I would be ready for it, or if it would be fair to the animal (feeding, walking, trips to the vet, cleaning up after it, leaving it at home for extended periods of time while I'm at work). When I was very young, I neglected a pet that my parents bought for me and it died. I learned my lesson there that pets require a lot of work, and you are ultimately responsible for them.

I guess I'm just wondering what else I can do? I'm not depressed by any means, I'm just feeling alone more. Are there options I'm just not thinking of? Should I just see a therapist or something? How do you even go about finding a therapist that is right for you?

TL;DR - I'm slowly drifting apart from the people I know. I've been attempting things to meet new friends, but nothing seems to be getting me results. Help?

althelp41880 on


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    NoquarNoquar Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    I am not going to give a long post with advice. See if your employer offers an EAP. Many EAP's allow you a few counseling sessions for free, and completely confidential from your employer. That's my suggestion to start with.

    Edit: I should add that seeing a counselor doesn't necessarily have to mean therapy in a clinical sense. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of, they are there to help you in the manner best for you.

    Noquar on
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    LailLail Surrey, B.C.Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    Go to your local community centre, pick up their schedule, take it home and pick out ONE class in there that sounds half-fun to you. If none do, too bad, you gotta pick one.

    There will be all sorts of different people there, each with different levels of experience in whatever you're doing.

    It'll be cheap, it can be something completely new, and it'll give you a chance to meet new people you would have otherwise never had a chance to meet.

    You may end up joining a class where you strike out in the making friendships department, but it should still be a positive experience and something you can talk about to others.

    Lail on
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    ElinElin Registered User regular
    edited March 2010
    I would also suggest a class. My local community college has many non credit classes on everything from scuba diving certs to basket weaving. Pick something that feels interesting and strike up conversations in the class.

    As for dating ... online dating can work if only because it broadens to dating pool and lets people be more specific. What would it hurt to try?

    Elin on
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