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Double Standards
Diogee
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I made a post a little while ago about getting back into a relationship with an ex.. well we've been at it for a while now and for the most part, things are fairly good but I am starting to have one concern I was hoping I could get some input on.
For whatever reason, the girl I am dating thinks I am just an absolute ass-magnet and that any girl I interact with wants to sleep with me within seconds. This is, of course, not at all the truth, but in her mind it is. Because of this, she doesn't like me making friends that are girls or talking to other females in general. I have several female friends that I have known much longer then her who have always been nothing more then friends, and she gets a little upset any time they contact me and I respond.. she has said on a number of occasions that she doesn't understand why I am holding on to these people from my past, etc, all the reasons I shouldn't talk to girls.
Now her not wanting me to talk to other girls is not a big problem for me. I love her, and we've come to an understanding that my friends are my friends, but I have no problem not going out and meeting new friends that are female. Not a big deal. My problem comes in the double standard that is becoming more and more evident in that requirement. She is a beautiful girl, and thus gets a ton of male attention, especially considering she works at a restaraunt where all the guys just want to get drunk and bang. The other day she called and said the bartender at the place asked her to hang out sometime and I was really surprised. How could she think it would be ok to go hang out 1 on 1 with a guy she knows is interested in her, when she doesn't even want me to TALK to another girl? If I proposed that situation to her but the other way around, she would have gone balistic.
The trouble is two fold - one, I trust her. Completely. I know no matter how hard a guy tries, she would never do anything with anyone else. She genuinely just wants to make friends and be social, she is innocent and often times doe-eyed in that she doesn't recognize that a lot of guys are just trying to get in her pants. So every time I bring something like this up, I feel stupid because I know she can just hang out and set boundries. However, part 2, is that she has different expectations for me and thats what really bothers me. That whole do as I say, not as I do thing is very frustrating. However, I am the one who asked to get back together - is it my responsibility to bite the bullet here to show her I care?
I know its a power game to a certain extent. She never felt in control in our relationship before and she sees the opportunity to do so now because I am trying so hard.
Anyone care to share in experiences with jealous girlfriends? Do they get over as they gain confidence in the relationship or is it a path doomed for failure because she will never trust me?
For whatever reason, the girl I am dating thinks I am just an absolute ass-magnet and that any girl I interact with wants to sleep with me within seconds. This is, of course, not at all the truth, but in her mind it is. Because of this, she doesn't like me making friends that are girls or talking to other females in general. I have several female friends that I have known much longer then her who have always been nothing more then friends, and she gets a little upset any time they contact me and I respond.. she has said on a number of occasions that she doesn't understand why I am holding on to these people from my past, etc, all the reasons I shouldn't talk to girls.
Now her not wanting me to talk to other girls is not a big problem for me. I love her, and we've come to an understanding that my friends are my friends, but I have no problem not going out and meeting new friends that are female. Not a big deal. My problem comes in the double standard that is becoming more and more evident in that requirement. She is a beautiful girl, and thus gets a ton of male attention, especially considering she works at a restaraunt where all the guys just want to get drunk and bang. The other day she called and said the bartender at the place asked her to hang out sometime and I was really surprised. How could she think it would be ok to go hang out 1 on 1 with a guy she knows is interested in her, when she doesn't even want me to TALK to another girl? If I proposed that situation to her but the other way around, she would have gone balistic.
The trouble is two fold - one, I trust her. Completely. I know no matter how hard a guy tries, she would never do anything with anyone else. She genuinely just wants to make friends and be social, she is innocent and often times doe-eyed in that she doesn't recognize that a lot of guys are just trying to get in her pants. So every time I bring something like this up, I feel stupid because I know she can just hang out and set boundries. However, part 2, is that she has different expectations for me and thats what really bothers me. That whole do as I say, not as I do thing is very frustrating. However, I am the one who asked to get back together - is it my responsibility to bite the bullet here to show her I care?
I know its a power game to a certain extent. She never felt in control in our relationship before and she sees the opportunity to do so now because I am trying so hard.
Anyone care to share in experiences with jealous girlfriends? Do they get over as they gain confidence in the relationship or is it a path doomed for failure because she will never trust me?
Diogee on
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You need to talk to her about this, one on one.
Also, "Now her not wanting me to talk to other girls is not a big problem for me. I love her, and we've come to an understanding that my friends are my friends, but I have no problem not going out and meeting new friends that are female. Not a big deal." this
Never that, never.
If he thinks she is more important than potential new female friends, so be it. That's his choice. I wouldn't say it's inherently right or wrong - depends on the person.
OP - you basically said it yourself. She is applying double standards to the relationship. If it were me in your situation, I would basically talk to her and say that it's not OK, because I'm a person that values principle and integrity, especially when it comes to relationships with other people. In my experience this leads to more solid foundations.
You also say that this girl used to be your ex. I didn't read the previous thread - can you give a summary? Did you guys originally break up for something related to this issue?
God dammit people you need to stop saying stupid bullshit like this.
Jealousy in a relationship means there's a lack of trust, and she's in no way the "love of your life" if she's trying to control who you're allowed to be friends with.
His girlfriend hangs out with the bartender who likes her but flips her shit when he talks to a girl because she might want to do him? You know who worries obsessively about being cheated on, people who are cheating.
And speaking of examples, my friend married a woman who insisted and coerced him away from interaction with his friends. He ended up completely alone and isolated, trapped in a relationship that went sour.
Remember that you are equal partners in this relationship, and if your partner is making unreasonable demands of your personal life, it is fine to stand up for yourself and your friends that she seems to be attacking.
BWEEEEP! BWEEEEEP! Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!
Long time reader, first time poster - love of my life?
was only a couple weeks ago
Second, it's pretty obvious that she's insecure. Either it's from bad past experience or guilt from her own actions. Oftentimes, a person involved in infidelity may transfer their guilt into jealousy. While you may not believe that to be the case, and it indeed may not be the case, it's certainly a possibility in this situation. Most people being cheated on can never imaging their spouse or loved one doing that to them. But the statistics on infidelity are staggering. So, there's obviously a huge disconnect between belief and action.
Finally, I think you should talk with her about it. You have no right to tell her who she can or can't hang out with, just like she has no right to tell you. If the situation continues to go down this same path, you may end up being unhappy with the controlling nature of your gal.
Or people who have been cheated on in the past, or people who are generally insecure.
You really need to think before posting.
This specifically wasn't the issue. A quick background would be we dated for a bit over a year and we both got lazy and stopped putting effort in. The little problems grew to big ones because we werent both all in on the relationship and eventually the bickering and fighting made the prospect of being not in a relationship better then the prospect of staying in this one. After we were apart for a while, I realized this girl really is something special and even though she has flaws (like this one!) she has a tremendous number of great qualities that I admire and look for in a woman. For example, like I said earlier, she is completely faithful. I will never have to worry about her cheating on me ever, and I can say that with full confidence as someone who often looks at things skeptically. I came back to her and said I want to put the effort in and continue working on our relationship because I know if we dont get lazy, we can be very happy.
YOU'RE STILL BEING A SILLY GOOSE.
You still undervalue yourself and treat her word as law.
Do you still like your current female friends?
Do you still like talking to other females?
If yes to either than STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
When you talk to her about this again (and do it again) refuse the excuses, stand up for yourself man. This will only end badly if you let her wriggle out of this.
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?
Have you been in relationships in the past, or is this your first?
I am asking because I need some context about your perspective, whether it's founded on past experience, or just naivette.
I mean, just let that sink in for a minute without trying to justify it. You're willing to end friendships because someone else told you to.
The bad thing is that there's a hell of a lot more wrong in that scenario. But just focus on that and let it sink in until you realize what you're subjecting yourself to.
This isn't about being lazy, this about her trying to control who you can be friends while insisting that she has the right to be friends with whoever she wants. Unless she's willing to get over that this isn't going to work and isn't an equal relationship. Honestly, I don't care how lovely she is otherwise this is a pretty big issue.
You're drinking too much? Your fondness of video games has become an 'addiction?
Suddenly you're hanging out with your male friends too much?
Really.
FWIW, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. I mean, it's kind of shitty of her, but if the guy believes that the relationship is more important then why is it wrong for him to choose it over friendships with females?
I've been in this kind of love and while you're there you can't see the forest through the trees. But, really, it will just continue until she makes you into the person she wants instead of the person you want to be.
She either has to change or you have to leave. It will hurt for awhile, but sooner or later it'll scab over and you'll have learned an important life lesson.
You should always be who you want to be, not who someone else wants you to be.
Well, if it deteriorates into that, then sure.
But at this point your point is nothing more than conjecture.
You are in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you farther than they can throw you, or does because they know that you're so deep in their thrall that you won't even look at someone they tell you not to.
I don't know what suggestion to give you that isn't "break up with her". She doesn't want you to be around another girl, have you tried suggesting that she behave in kind with guys? If she isn't willing to do what she's asking you to do, you have a very uneven relationship and it's just not going to last.
Have you considered how fair it is to his female friends?
They've known him for years and one day he just cuts communication with them because some girl he's dating said so. No good reason or anything.
It's insane though if he's willing to do this he can't be that good of a friend. A good friend wouldn't drop someone like that.
It's a legitimate sign of an abusive relationship, so YES there's something wrong with it.
We are both 23. This is definitely not my first relationship, Ive had other long term relationships before her. I lived with one girl for 6 months. I had to grow up pretty fast when I was younger so I would say I am not your typical 23 year old.. I'm not going out, hooking up, getting drunk..
Remember it yet?
Yeah, stand up for yourself BEFORE you get married.
LOOK AT LACH"S THREADS, trust me, you'll thank us \, that shit made me
Five years from now you will look back and say, "Man, I wish I hadn't behaved in such a silly way."
Exactly. It's a spineless betrayal. It's saying, "I can't hang out with you because of the opinions of other people." I don't know why people think it's unacceptable when "the cool kids" do that, but perfectly fine when a woman does it, but it's still the same thing, and it's still something you grow out of in junior high.
"Its not fair to tell you Im ready to commit to you because i'm not. Otherwise I'd be your girlfriend. I dont like feeling like you want to control everything"
I know you guys think its naive, but shes not saying she wants to date other people. Shes trying to position her needs as 'different' then mine.. saying that I have no right to tell her not to make friends with bartender guy because we are just 'dating' and not gf/bf.. but because I am commited she can tell me what to do. Its ironic, I dont want to control everything, infact I want to control less! I dont want to have to care who shes hanging out with and I am just asking her to do the same for me.
Alright, yeah you're right. Put this way, I agree with you.
OP, I think you need to sit down and re-evaluate your relationship based on what you are being told. In order for a relationship to have long term potential trust needs to flow both ways and equally. If you trust her but she doesn't trust you then it doesn't matter if you're OK with it, it's going to snap sooner or later.
And yeah, 23 is pretty young.
Behavioral maturity does not equal emotional maturity. You can have one without the other.
Good luck, dude.
Link?
I remember him, and I think relationship horror stories would do this guy good.
Lachoneous was married and had a kid, his wife insulted him, stopped him from hanging out with his friends, wouldn't let him get a military job and stopped him from playing video games (as he had gotten 'addicted', notice the quotes please)
This all happened AFTER they married, it seeped in gradually at first then hit him like a brick wall.
Last we heard the man was on the road to getting divorced and trying to retain some legal connection with his son before his wife took him away.
Don't let yourself become this man.
OK, she's not your girlfriend.
Stop pretending and open your eyes please.
It doesn't matter whether you think she wants to date other people, it matters that she's out doing whatever the fuck she wants with whoever the fuck she wants and you're not allowed to hang out with your friends.
Obviously her issues are raising a red flag for you, since you at least made the effort to post here and (ostensibly) are willing to listen to opinions. There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing everything you can to save your relationship. However, my best advice is that you remember that making her happy isn't more important than you being happy. A good relationship makes both people partners in happiness, not one happy and one miserable.
EDIT: After reading you last post it's obvious that she's not in the same place as you are as far as wanting a relationship. Go hang out with whomever you want and let her do the same. I think you'll find things will be taken care of in short order. And, no, I don't want to elaborate on that because you'll just say "She'd never do that," when she probably already is or soon will be.
I believe the thread was removed at his request.
I'm a firm believer that any relationship is beholden to the desires of only those who are participants in it, and what works for others, or is normal for others is at best a distraction and at worst an impediment. So I don't see anything wrong in the general case of compromising something in order to make the other partner in a relationship feel more comfortable and at ease. In this particular case though, I think that cutting off contact with OPs female friends doesn't address the actual crisis, which is that she doesn't trust him to behave honorably with women.
He notes that this is an issue with female co-workers and peers he meets in conferences as well. If he's willing to cut off contact with his female friends, is he also willing to cut off all contact with all women in the world? Should he hand out bags, and ask women to put them over their heads before they speak to him?
OP, you need to sit down and talk to your girlfriend until you figure out a way to ease her into trusting you. I don't know what shape that discussion is going to take, but she needs to at the least admit that she doesn't trust you around women. From there, you need to find a way to acclimatize her to you hanging out with women. Maybe that means that for the next little while she hangs out with you and your female friends when you get together. Maybe that means explicitly letting her know when you're out with a female friend, or calling her sometime during that time to talk to her briefly.
In the end, she will either overcome her feelings of insecurity and jealousy, or it will end the relationship as you eventually get tired of being CSIed about "why you were five minutes late coming home YOU'RE FUCKING HER AREN'T YOU!".
Edit: And this discussion should not take the form of an argument, where you logically prove how much of a silly goose she is, and how one-sided her demands are, and "how would you like it if I told you that you had to stop talking to men or hanging out with your guy friends." Use "I feel" statements. Don't assign blame. Look for solutions, not victory.