That's too bad. They should have put it into the accumulated forum knowledge section.
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
On another point, where do you think it'll stop when you give?
You're drinking too much? Your fondness of video games has become an 'addiction?
Suddenly you're hanging out with your male friends too much?
Really.
Ooh, this guy MADE a thread here not too long ago. Remember that one that went to like 40 pages? Lachoneus, I think.
Remember it yet?
Yeah, stand up for yourself BEFORE you get married.
I remember him, and I think relationship horror stories would do this guy good.
Lachoneous was married and had a kid, his wife insulted him, stopped him from hanging out with his friends, wouldn't let him get a military job and stopped him from playing video games (as he had gotten 'addicted', notice the quotes please)
This all happened AFTER they married, it seeped in gradually at first then hit him like a brick wall.
Last we heard the man was on the road to getting divorced and trying to retain some legal connection with his son before his wife took him away.
Don't let yourself become this man.
Actually, I believe that while she always had her issues, it hit home with her post-partum, shortly before she gave birth (and they got married after she became pregnant, IIRC) and then just never went away. She was actually the one who initially SUGGESTED he go into the military, and when he said 'sure' she started telling him about what a failure he was and then started going on about things like abandonment. Real crazy. Wouldn't let him hang out with his best friend, and told him that because he sat on his computer for 4 hours a week he had a gaming addiction. Made him promise never to do these things if he really loved her, and even gave him the "I'm the one who really understands you" bit.
It was like every imaginable kind of relationship-crazy thread all rolled into one epic nightmare. That is where control issues can go.
And yeah, I think the thread was taken down at his request so she couldn't ever find it and use it against him. I remember it so well because I was nailed to the damn thing for like 3 weeks.
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MetalbourneInside a cluster b personalityRegistered Userregular
Most recent text she just sent me after our argument last night about the bartender:
"Its not fair to tell you Im ready to commit to you because i'm not. Otherwise I'd be your girlfriend. I dont like feeling like you want to control everything"
Okay. Either you can make her understand how nonsensical that is, given what she's asking of you, or you break up with her before you go down a long, dark relationship road. In other words, that text? That's your line.
I know you guys think its naive, but shes not saying she wants to date other people. Shes trying to position her needs as 'different' then mine.. saying that I have no right to tell her not to make friends with bartender guy because we are just 'dating' and not gf/bf.. but because I am commited she can tell me what to do. Its ironic, I dont want to control everything, infact I want to control less! I dont want to have to care who shes hanging out with and I am just asking her to do the same for me.
Exactly. Either you work out a plan that minimizes and eventually gets rid of her insecurities, or you should not be in a relationship together.
It's also entirely possible she's projecting. As in, she's so afraid that you're going to screw around, because she herself is capable of screwing around. Not saying she is, but trust tends to beget trust, and the opposite is just as true.
She also may have specifically mentioned hanging out one on one with one of her guy friends she "knows is interested in her" to gauge your reaction.
Most recent text she just sent me after our argument last night about the bartender:
"Its not fair to tell you Im ready to commit to you because i'm not. Otherwise I'd be your girlfriend. I dont like feeling like you want to control everything"
She's not your girlfriend, she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you but she wants to control who your friends are? What are you doing with this girl? Get out of this "relationship" now and don't look back.
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DeadfallI don't think you realize just how rich he is.In fact, I should put on a monocle.Registered Userregular
You really need to think about what kind of person you are if you're willing to end a friendship because someone else told you to.
I mean, just let that sink in for a minute without trying to justify it. You're willing to end friendships because someone else told you to.
The bad thing is that there's a hell of a lot more wrong in that scenario. But just focus on that and let it sink in until you realize what you're subjecting yourself to.
FWIW, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. I mean, it's kind of shitty of her, but if the guy believes that the relationship is more important then why is it wrong for him to choose it over friendships with females?
Jesus, what? This is not how healthy relationships work.
Edit: I seem to be late on that particular point, but:
"Its not fair to tell you Im ready to commit to you because i'm not. Otherwise I'd be your girlfriend. I dont like feeling like you want to control everything"
Jesus, what? Vision of Clarity has it right.
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MetalbourneInside a cluster b personalityRegistered Userregular
You really need to think about what kind of person you are if you're willing to end a friendship because someone else told you to.
I mean, just let that sink in for a minute without trying to justify it. You're willing to end friendships because someone else told you to.
The bad thing is that there's a hell of a lot more wrong in that scenario. But just focus on that and let it sink in until you realize what you're subjecting yourself to.
FWIW, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. I mean, it's kind of shitty of her, but if the guy believes that the relationship is more important then why is it wrong for him to choose it over friendships with females?
Jesus, what? This is not how healthy relationships work.
It's okay, guys. This is just one of those things that can't be explained to a point where people will understand it. It's a zen thing that you just suddenly realize one day.
Most recent text she just sent me after our argument last night about the bartender:
"Its not fair to tell you Im ready to commit to you because i'm not. Otherwise I'd be your girlfriend. I dont like feeling like you want to control everything"
Because this just went from being an unhealthy relationship to being an unhealthy non-relationship in one post. Making this even worse for the OP.
You trust her, neat. She doesn't trust you. It does not matter what the reason is that she doesn't trust you. It doesn't matter if she's been hurt in the past unless YOU did it, because even if that's the case, you're in your second attempt at a relationship and she's not even trying, and she won't talk to you about it because she doesn't need to-she already has you. This is the prettier of the options, because the other is that she's batting her eyelids and inflating your ego as a tool to keep you from being friends with people she doesn't like because she can.
You are in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you farther than they can throw you, or does because they know that you're so deep in their thrall that you won't even look at someone they tell you not to.
Alright, yeah you're right. Put this way, I agree with you.
OP, I think you need to sit down and re-evaluate your relationship based on what you are being told. In order for a relationship to have long term potential trust needs to flow both ways and equally. If you trust her but she doesn't trust you then it doesn't matter if you're OK with it, it's going to snap sooner or later.
And yeah, 23 is pretty young.
So this isn't me trying to change your opinion, this is about me changing my own opinion after reading other people's.
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mysticjuicer[he/him] I'm a muscle wizardand I cast P U N C HRegistered Userregular
So this isn't me trying to change your opinion, this is about me changing my own opinion after reading other people's.
I think most people don't understand why they should therefore read the whole thread when everyone's already saying "this is wrong!bad stuff." Some people think "bail now nothing good will come of this", which is not unreasonable. Some people think "see if you can talk this out and see if she can get over her issues", which is not unreasonable.
Ha, funny you say texting frenzy. We were just talking on the phone.
It's very confusing. I can't reitterate enough that this girl is not fooling around. She just isn't that person. She isn't projecting on me because she is hiding things.. she is just insecure. She is the same way with her family - she feels insecure in them loving her just like me loving her.
The conversation did not go well. Last weekend when we were hanging out she was totally into it, saying how happy she was we were trying again and that she loved me.. and now she actually said she might want to date other people. She hasn't gone there before and I told her that if she wants to do that, its something we need to be on the same page on, and we can talk about. We are going to take time to think and talk tomorrow.
Here is how I am thinking is the best way to approach it - specifically for my own mental and emotional well-being.. I want to tell her look - either you want to be in a relationship with me and try and make this work or you don't. I don't want to play power and control games with you. If you want to date other people, that's fine but I am not going to be the only one of the two of us who is acting like we are in a relationship. You can explore and date whoever you want, but I am not willing to subject myself to being your puppet-backup during that time. I will be single too, and if you change your mind and decide you want to be with me, we can see where we both are at that point and take it from there.
We are both 23. This is definitely not my first relationship, Ive had other long term relationships before her. I lived with one girl for 6 months. I had to grow up pretty fast when I was younger so I would say I am not your typical 23 year old.. I'm not going out, hooking up, getting drunk..
Behavioral maturity does not equal emotional maturity. You can have one without the other.
Good luck, dude.
I would just like to highlight this statement, because it's definitely true. Thinking like the OP ("I had to grow up pretty fast") is not good.
For the longest I thought I was above other people or something because my dad died when I was 16. (I know, right?) Years later, I'm in a serious relationship and it took months for my girlfriend to be like, "Man, you are hella closed off and emotionally wacky" before I came around to realizing how my supposed "maturity" was just leading to me acting like the occasional dingbat. I got trapped in my own inflated head.
So. Diogee. Don't use your personal history - or whatever - to justify how you're acting now or to direct your behavior. Try to look at this as simply as possible. This not-even-a-relationship is probably not what you want to be getting yourself into. Be honest with yourself.
Ha, funny you say texting frenzy. We were just talking on the phone.
It's very confusing. I can't reitterate enough that this girl is not fooling around. She just isn't that person. She isn't projecting on me because she is hiding things.. she is just insecure. She is the same way with her family - she feels insecure in them loving her just like me loving her.
The conversation did not go well. Last weekend when we were hanging out she was totally into it, saying how happy she was we were trying again and that she loved me.. and now she actually said she might want to date other people. She hasn't gone there before and I told her that if she wants to do that, its something we need to be on the same page on, and we can talk about. We are going to take time to think and talk tomorrow.
Here is how I am thinking is the best way to approach it - specifically for my own mental and emotional well-being.. I want to tell her look - either you want to be in a relationship with me and try and make this work or you don't. I don't want to play power and control games with you. If you want to date other people, that's fine but I am not going to be the only one of the two of us who is acting like we are in a relationship. You can explore and date whoever you want, but I am not willing to subject myself to being your puppet-backup during that time. I will be single too, and if you change your mind and decide you want to be with me, we can see where we both are at that point and take it from there.
If she's saying she wants to date other people, she definitely doesn't want to date you. On the second bolded point, didn't she straight up say to you that you're not in a relationship? This is beginning to sound like you're desperately grabbing at her and she just wants to break free. Let it go. If you have this much drama BEFORE you're even a couple... God help you when you actually get together.
Here is how I am thinking is the best way to approach it - specifically for my own mental and emotional well-being.. I want to tell her look - either you want to be in a relationship with me and try and make this work or you don't. .
Sounds like she has already done this.
Twice
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MetalbourneInside a cluster b personalityRegistered Userregular
edited March 2010
Do everything except the "if you change your mind" part.
Because, lets face it, if you gave me that ultimatum, I'd say, "Okay I changed my mind," and just keep doing the same thing.
Do everything except the "if you change your mind" part.
Because, lets face it, if you gave me that ultimatum, I'd say, "Okay I changed my mind," and just keep doing the same thing.
Basically this. If you want to include the "change your mind" part, then you need to make it clear that other things will have to change as well. Make it absolutely clear that she cannot have a problem with you hanging out with other women.
Thanks guys. I really want to listen but my own insecurities make it so hard. This girl is gorgeous, kind, and a good person. She was exactly what I wanted -before- I took it for granted and treated her poorly. I turned her into the way she is now (to a certain extent) and that regret makes it so hard to let go because I know the great girl is in there somewhere.... maybe it just isn't meant to be for me. It hurts to know I had it and lost it in my childishness.
It's so hard to see myself finding someone simply as beautiful as her, much less honest, faithful and kind. I guess the advice from the last thread of "LOL DUDE UR 23" is really pretty accurate and I just have to have faith that things will work out for me. Its so hard to meet people...
as someone who is going through the "no female friends!!" thing right now, it doesn't get better. Whatever you do to try and instill trust? like the goggles, it does nothing. if you ignore it, it gets worse, if you try and talk about it, you get pissed at her irrationality b/c of this double standard. Mine actually said me not being cool with her occasionally getting dinner with, and constantly talking to her ex is the same as her hating my roommate (female), with whom i have no history, and i actively try and avoid for her benefit. (she may have a crush on me, i dunno. I'm not interested though.) Get out before you waste any more of your life. You're 23, i'm 31. I'm the one who should think about settling, not you!!! (that was a joke, i don't want to settle.)
whatever you do, don't schedule a non-refundable expensive trip 6 months in the future with this girl. Learn from my mistake!!!
as someone who is going through the "no female friends!!" thing right now, it doesn't get better. Whatever you do to try and instill trust? like the goggles, it does nothing. if you ignore it, it gets worse, if you try and talk about it, you get pissed at her irrationality b/c of this double standard. Mine actually said me not being cool with her occasionally getting dinner with, and constantly talking to her ex is the same as her hating my roommate (female), with whom i have no history, and i actively try and avoid for her benefit. (she may have a crush on me, i dunno. I'm not interested though.) Get out before you waste any more of your life. You're 23, i'm 31. I'm the one who should think about settling, not you!!! (that was a joke, i don't want to settle.)
whatever you do, don't schedule a non-refundable expensive trip 6 months in the future with this girl. Learn from my mistake!!!
lol, a few months before we broke up we scheduled a 7 day cruise to mexico. We got in a huge fight and fortunately i called to cancel it on the LAST day to get a full refund. I had no idea it was the last day, just worked out that way. We were broken up when the cruise would have left.
Thanks guys. I really want to listen but my own insecurities make it so hard. This girl is gorgeous, kind, and a good person. She was exactly what I wanted -before- I took it for granted and treated her poorly. I turned her into the way she is now (to a certain extent) and that regret makes it so hard to let go because I know the great girl is in there somewhere.... maybe it just isn't meant to be for me. It hurts to know I had it and lost it in my childishness.
It's so hard to see myself finding someone simply as beautiful as her, much less honest, faithful and kind. I guess the advice from the last thread of "LOL DUDE UR 23" is really pretty accurate and I just have to have faith that things will work out for me. Its so hard to meet people...
You need to stop kicking yourself because you didn't make her an overbearing, insecure manipulative person. Stop putting this on yourself because until you do you're not going to move-on.
And for the record, her behavior towards you as of late is not that of a good, kind person.
Thanks guys. I really want to listen but my own insecurities make it so hard. This girl is gorgeous
I don't mean to be sort of rude, but so? I'm sure there are other, equally beautiful but much more confident and stable ladies out there for you.
kind
Ehhhh, not exactly obvious from the portrait you've painted here.
and a good person.
Any person who seeks to control another person's behavior, whether its your girlfriend, your mom, your boss, whoever, isn't "good". She may have good qualities and may in the future get over her insecurity and be able to be a viable partner, but right now she has issues that she needs to deal with before being in a stable and successful relationship. And for the record, so do you considering you thought this was acceptable behavior.
Honestly, I don't believe anything good is going to come out of this relationship. You're in a very unhealthy relationship. Apparently you two are only dating, and she doesn't even consider you two a couple? Not only that but she now wants to date other people, and SHE'S the one telling you that you can't talk to other women? I'm sorry, but fuck that noise. She has no right to tell you that, because according to her, you guys aren't even exclusive! Even if you WERE exclusive, and committed, she shouldn't tell you that.
I could understand if she felt uncomfortable if it was an ex, and she didn't want you to hang out with her. That's completely understandable, but according to you, you're just friends with the women you hang with. You need to evaluate your relationship, and the situation you're in, and need to honestly figure out if she's worth dumping your friends, and no longer talking to another woman...ever (my bet is she's not worth that).
Relationships are about trust. Hell, besides a couple of other things, trust is the FOUNDATION of a relationship, and it really seems that she just does not trust you.
I don't mind if my boyfriend has female friends. I trust him, and know that he wouldn't do anything with them, and they're just friends. It'll be a cold day in hell before I forbid him to hang out with a friend who has a vagina and a set of tits.
There are many, many, many "kind, beautiful, and faithful" girls out there . . . and what's more, many of them are girls who will not freak out when you have female friends.
The only part of her issue I can understand and see is that she didn't ask to get back with me. I approached her and said I wanted to change and make it work. At no point has she ever said "yes lets be boyfriend girlfriend again!". Her point of view is - if I am the one who wants to get back together, I shouldn't want to go hang out with or meet other girls, I should only want her. That rule doesn't apply to her because she has never said she wants to be in a relationship again. I have put myself in the subservant position inherently by being the one who asked for her back.
Does that make it ok? What i am hearing you all say is no. But its important to recognize that she didn't ever ask for me back or promise to get back with me. I am the one trying to show her why we should be together. It feels a bit weird making any demands in my position.
You're her safety boy, her backup, her just-in-case.
Please, you deserve better than that, you deserve someone who wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with her; someone that will treat you with respect and honesty instead of jealousy and hoop-jumping.
You're her safety boy, her backup, her just-in-case.
Please, you deserve better than that, you deserve someone who wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with her; someone that will treat you with respect and honesty instead of jealousy and hoop-jumping.
It's so hard to give the complete story over the internet. I am not this girls safety or backup. She fell really deeply in love with me and I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared for it so she got hurt and had to pull back pretty hard. When we broke up, she thought we were done and was in the process of internalizing that when I came back. She really, really loved me. Getting over someone like that is not an easy or painless process. I'm not her back up - she is just hurt and confused. Maybe too hurt and too confused to repair things with.
I think I am going to use your exact words though - I deserve someone who wants to be with me and will treat me with respect and honesty instead of jealousy and hoop-jumping.
You're her safety boy, her backup, her just-in-case.
Please, you deserve better than that, you deserve someone who wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with her; someone that will treat you with respect and honesty instead of jealousy and hoop-jumping.
It's so hard to give the complete story over the internet. I am not this girls safety or backup. She fell really deeply in love with me and I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared for it so she got hurt and had to pull back pretty hard. When we broke up, she thought we were done and was in the process of internalizing that when I came back. She really, really loved me. Getting over someone like that is not an easy or painless process. I'm not her back up - she is just hurt and confused. Maybe too hurt and too confused to repair things with.
I think I am going to use your exact words though - I deserve someone who wants to be with me and will treat me with respect and honesty instead of jealousy and hoop-jumping.
Write it down, put it somewhere you can see it every time you're on the phone with her because it can be really hard to make yourself believe it if she decides to start making excuses.
And I realize you think this girl shits unicorns and sunshine but six months from now you're really going to thank yourself for taking the steps to find a mature and mutually beneficial relationship.
Just read a bunch of the Lachon thread and I can relate to some of it. I don't think this girl is that abusive but still, I can feel that guys pain. I can relate to a lot of what he was saying and its another good perspective of where things could end up.
Posts
It was like every imaginable kind of relationship-crazy thread all rolled into one epic nightmare. That is where control issues can go.
And yeah, I think the thread was taken down at his request so she couldn't ever find it and use it against him. I remember it so well because I was nailed to the damn thing for like 3 weeks.
I can only speculate, but I think it was because he didn't want his (ex?)wife and/or her lawyer reading the information contained in it.
Okay. Either you can make her understand how nonsensical that is, given what she's asking of you, or you break up with her before you go down a long, dark relationship road. In other words, that text? That's your line.
Exactly. Either you work out a plan that minimizes and eventually gets rid of her insecurities, or you should not be in a relationship together.
She also may have specifically mentioned hanging out one on one with one of her guy friends she "knows is interested in her" to gauge your reaction.
She's not your girlfriend, she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you but she wants to control who your friends are? What are you doing with this girl? Get out of this "relationship" now and don't look back.
Jesus, what? This is not how healthy relationships work.
Edit: I seem to be late on that particular point, but:
Jesus, what? Vision of Clarity has it right.
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It's okay, guys. This is just one of those things that can't be explained to a point where people will understand it. It's a zen thing that you just suddenly realize one day.
Hopefully it's not one day when you're fifty.
And change our opinions about what, exactly?
Because that's what you want us to do, is change our opinions. So what do you want us to change them to, and why?
You should read this:
Because this just went from being an unhealthy relationship to being an unhealthy non-relationship in one post. Making this even worse for the OP.
See this is why I say you should read the thread.
So this isn't me trying to change your opinion, this is about me changing my own opinion after reading other people's.
I think most people don't understand why they should therefore read the whole thread when everyone's already saying "this is wrong!bad stuff." Some people think "bail now nothing good will come of this", which is not unreasonable. Some people think "see if you can talk this out and see if she can get over her issues", which is not unreasonable.
Actually I was sort of on your side on that post before that one.
He's probably in the midst of a texting frenzy with her trying to sort this out now though.
Get. Out.
You need to get your head out of your ass. You are deluding yourself.
It's very confusing. I can't reitterate enough that this girl is not fooling around. She just isn't that person. She isn't projecting on me because she is hiding things.. she is just insecure. She is the same way with her family - she feels insecure in them loving her just like me loving her.
The conversation did not go well. Last weekend when we were hanging out she was totally into it, saying how happy she was we were trying again and that she loved me.. and now she actually said she might want to date other people. She hasn't gone there before and I told her that if she wants to do that, its something we need to be on the same page on, and we can talk about. We are going to take time to think and talk tomorrow.
Here is how I am thinking is the best way to approach it - specifically for my own mental and emotional well-being.. I want to tell her look - either you want to be in a relationship with me and try and make this work or you don't. I don't want to play power and control games with you. If you want to date other people, that's fine but I am not going to be the only one of the two of us who is acting like we are in a relationship. You can explore and date whoever you want, but I am not willing to subject myself to being your puppet-backup during that time. I will be single too, and if you change your mind and decide you want to be with me, we can see where we both are at that point and take it from there.
I would just like to highlight this statement, because it's definitely true. Thinking like the OP ("I had to grow up pretty fast") is not good.
For the longest I thought I was above other people or something because my dad died when I was 16. (I know, right?) Years later, I'm in a serious relationship and it took months for my girlfriend to be like, "Man, you are hella closed off and emotionally wacky" before I came around to realizing how my supposed "maturity" was just leading to me acting like the occasional dingbat. I got trapped in my own inflated head.
So. Diogee. Don't use your personal history - or whatever - to justify how you're acting now or to direct your behavior. Try to look at this as simply as possible. This not-even-a-relationship is probably not what you want to be getting yourself into. Be honest with yourself.
Edit:
If she's saying she wants to date other people, she definitely doesn't want to date you. On the second bolded point, didn't she straight up say to you that you're not in a relationship? This is beginning to sound like you're desperately grabbing at her and she just wants to break free. Let it go. If you have this much drama BEFORE you're even a couple... God help you when you actually get together.
Sounds like she has already done this.
Twice
Because, lets face it, if you gave me that ultimatum, I'd say, "Okay I changed my mind," and just keep doing the same thing.
Yes, this.
Because honestly, how many times are you going to try a relationship with her before you realize "Hey, maybe someone else really would be better"?
Basically this. If you want to include the "change your mind" part, then you need to make it clear that other things will have to change as well. Make it absolutely clear that she cannot have a problem with you hanging out with other women.
Thirded. And don't make us come over there and smack you upside the head to make you realize this.
Poor, poor Lach
edit: Messed up quote tree, but point stands.
It's so hard to see myself finding someone simply as beautiful as her, much less honest, faithful and kind. I guess the advice from the last thread of "LOL DUDE UR 23" is really pretty accurate and I just have to have faith that things will work out for me. Its so hard to meet people...
whatever you do, don't schedule a non-refundable expensive trip 6 months in the future with this girl. Learn from my mistake!!!
lol, a few months before we broke up we scheduled a 7 day cruise to mexico. We got in a huge fight and fortunately i called to cancel it on the LAST day to get a full refund. I had no idea it was the last day, just worked out that way. We were broken up when the cruise would have left.
regardless, warning noted!
You need to stop kicking yourself because you didn't make her an overbearing, insecure manipulative person. Stop putting this on yourself because until you do you're not going to move-on.
And for the record, her behavior towards you as of late is not that of a good, kind person.
I don't mean to be sort of rude, but so? I'm sure there are other, equally beautiful but much more confident and stable ladies out there for you.
Ehhhh, not exactly obvious from the portrait you've painted here.
Any person who seeks to control another person's behavior, whether its your girlfriend, your mom, your boss, whoever, isn't "good". She may have good qualities and may in the future get over her insecurity and be able to be a viable partner, but right now she has issues that she needs to deal with before being in a stable and successful relationship. And for the record, so do you considering you thought this was acceptable behavior.
I could understand if she felt uncomfortable if it was an ex, and she didn't want you to hang out with her. That's completely understandable, but according to you, you're just friends with the women you hang with. You need to evaluate your relationship, and the situation you're in, and need to honestly figure out if she's worth dumping your friends, and no longer talking to another woman...ever (my bet is she's not worth that).
Relationships are about trust. Hell, besides a couple of other things, trust is the FOUNDATION of a relationship, and it really seems that she just does not trust you.
I don't mind if my boyfriend has female friends. I trust him, and know that he wouldn't do anything with them, and they're just friends. It'll be a cold day in hell before I forbid him to hang out with a friend who has a vagina and a set of tits.
My vote is to get out. Just my 2 cents.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Seriously, cut this one loose.
Does that make it ok? What i am hearing you all say is no. But its important to recognize that she didn't ever ask for me back or promise to get back with me. I am the one trying to show her why we should be together. It feels a bit weird making any demands in my position.
A relationship is something two people should work at together, if she think she's a prize to be earned that's a big warning sign there.
You're her safety boy, her backup, her just-in-case.
Please, you deserve better than that, you deserve someone who wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with her; someone that will treat you with respect and honesty instead of jealousy and hoop-jumping.
It's so hard to give the complete story over the internet. I am not this girls safety or backup. She fell really deeply in love with me and I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared for it so she got hurt and had to pull back pretty hard. When we broke up, she thought we were done and was in the process of internalizing that when I came back. She really, really loved me. Getting over someone like that is not an easy or painless process. I'm not her back up - she is just hurt and confused. Maybe too hurt and too confused to repair things with.
I think I am going to use your exact words though - I deserve someone who wants to be with me and will treat me with respect and honesty instead of jealousy and hoop-jumping.
Write it down, put it somewhere you can see it every time you're on the phone with her because it can be really hard to make yourself believe it if she decides to start making excuses.
And I realize you think this girl shits unicorns and sunshine but six months from now you're really going to thank yourself for taking the steps to find a mature and mutually beneficial relationship.