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On same-sex friends and being gay.
Frosty the Snow Plow
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This one isn't too convoluted, just delicate.
My male friend has known that I am gay for quite some time, but I do well to not make note of it because it has no bearing on our friendship and I figure it would just make things awkward. Turns out that was a good assessment, because I have another female friend who I basically act as gay as I want around, and they both just made contact.
The conversation he and I had later was pretty awkward, where he made a point to ask if she thinks "you and I have a thing" and other such questions. Which is weird because there really isn't any reason why he would be any exception to the other male friends who know I'm gay but still are good friends with. He seemed pretty uncomfortable.
I just told him "No" and didn't bother justifying the answer too much, but it hit me after that hanging out with him might get weird if I don't treat the situation right. It's not a huge issue, but one I don't want to fuck up. He's one of the smarter friends I get to trade ideas honestly with.
My male friend has known that I am gay for quite some time, but I do well to not make note of it because it has no bearing on our friendship and I figure it would just make things awkward. Turns out that was a good assessment, because I have another female friend who I basically act as gay as I want around, and they both just made contact.
The conversation he and I had later was pretty awkward, where he made a point to ask if she thinks "you and I have a thing" and other such questions. Which is weird because there really isn't any reason why he would be any exception to the other male friends who know I'm gay but still are good friends with. He seemed pretty uncomfortable.
I just told him "No" and didn't bother justifying the answer too much, but it hit me after that hanging out with him might get weird if I don't treat the situation right. It's not a huge issue, but one I don't want to fuck up. He's one of the smarter friends I get to trade ideas honestly with.
Frosty the Snow Plow on
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I was out clubbing with a gay mate and spent a good deal of time pointing out girls and then asking "so which dude here is a looker?" and we had a good ol conversation on it
Since you never talk about it, that may be why it's awkward
don't treat it like such a touchy subject, you're gay, you'll live, he'll live.
We're pretty close friends as it is. He was pretty awkward and distanced in that last conversation. And yeah, if it isn't really a big deal, that's all I need. Just reassurance that it won't end up mattering.
I've bolded what seems to be the important part. You say your male friend and female friend have just made contact. Is this the first contact between them? To me, it seems like he's asking whether she thinks he's gay as well. This could either be that he doesn't want people to have a misunderstanding about him or, seemingly more likely, he might be digging this chick and wants to make sure she hasn't written him off due to an assumption of the relationship between you and he.
Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it if he really isn't likely to be around her much.
Either way, no offense, my reading of it seems as though you're being kind of phony to one party. If you're keeping two personalities going for the sake of appearances it can be very awkward when worlds collide.
That's a little bit unfair. No one is exactly the same in all of their relationships. You behave differently with your parents than you do with your significant other, and you behave differently with your friends than you do at work.
As long as the OP isn't being untrue to himself in either case, then I don't see an issue with it.
TBH is 100% correct.
I have my gay friends and my non-gay friends.
Sometimes the groups co-mingle, not always.
But yeah, you need to be comfortable with yourself and so should your friends.
I understand the hesitation, especially if you're not completely out or are recently out, but you shouldn't act like it is embarassing or anything to be ashamed of; it isn't. If you act like it is a weird subject, then your friend might as well.
t Deebaser: That isn't true at all. I don't "flame out" around people who actually might be offended or upset by it. Do you curse around your grandparents? Do you talk about every subject with every party? No? Then you're just as guilty as what you are accusing the OP of.
Just because I have straight friends doesn't mean I need to have frank conversations about some subjects that my gay friends don't mind.
"You do know I'm gay right?"
"oh really?"
"yeah..."
"cool, anyway as I was saying-"
Like they expected some dramatic conversation
When they first came out, maybe, but it was probably a relief as well.
The last thing you want is someone you consider a good friend freaking out and/or potentially reacting poorly.
I sometimes wonder what others who know him make of our friendship. I know my sister teases me about being his arm-candy when we hang out or go to the mall or whatever, though I try not to let it bother me. Maybe someone else said something to the effect to your friend, and it's troubling him?
Anyways, food for thought.
What I mean is, if you were straight and were spending much of your time with a female friend, your male friends would likely inquire, vocally or not, if there was something more than just friendship.
The thing with that is, the female friend would be much less likely to freak out in that situation. I think OP is basically worried that his male friend will start acting weird.
To be fair, when I came out as bisexual to my football buddies (I suppose bisexuality might be a bit better for my football buddies, since I still like boobs and whatnot) I was fucking scared of how they'd react. I'd known them for quite a while, and I was really worried that they would start acting weird or try to sort of distance themselves from me and that's the last thing I wanted, so I stayed quiet for ages.
Especially considering the ridiculous amount of repressed homo-eroticism found in boys aged 15 - 21 (I swear to God the amount of times I've been dry humped or grinded on by a straight guy...), has led me to never having ever told anyone about my sexuality unless very, very drunk. I have never uttered the words while sober, except for the interwebs (woo anonymity).
You sound like you've got some seperate dissonance over just how much you're dialing your mannerism up and down around different parties, though. Just FWIW
I host a podcast about movies.
It isn't repressed homoeroticism
it's just guys being dumb for a laugh
Being pals with other gays is where I get in to trouble, because I invariably find myself falling in love with one of them and it sort of fucks up all the dynamics.
That's pretty much what I've experienced when being friends with someone who's gay.
:winky:
oops, now look what i started.
Yeah, they're great, provided you don't have to deal with that issue.