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Jealousy issue
Paramore
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Preface: I'm going to ramble a lot. you can skip to the end if you dont want to read.
Tried sorting this out myself, but I'm having issues. I'd ask my friends but I'm worried/embarassed that I'm over reacting.
I'm a senior at college and I've been with my girlfriend for over 17 months. She attends the same college.
We've honestly have had zero problems yet, except the very very very minor quible here and there, healthiest relationship I've ever been in. The previous relationship was a 2 year long off an on crap fest which resulted in her dating myself and another guy for a year of it at the same time. So let's just say I was really careful after that who I got involved with to avoid another disaster like that.
Given all that, I trust her. I've had no reason ever not to trust her. It's been wonderful and I've felt for sometime now that she's the one, no doubts. Therefore I'm in no way suggesting I want to end the relationship OR am even thinking of it.
This past weekend my girlfriend and her apartment roommates were going to have a small get together with drinking etc. I was also invited (i live in the same building). She told me to come up around 9:45 or so because that's when other people would be coming. I get up there at 9:40 and everyone is already there playing Kings drinking etc. I knew everyone there except this new guy (my girlfriend knows a lot of people so that's not unusual, just saying he's the one person i wasn't familiar with).
My girlfriend was already obviously a little drunk and I asked how long she's been drinking, and she said they've all been drinking for maybe an hour or so. Was kinda upset that she told me to come up at 9:45 (she told me this time after 9, after she already started with everyone else). So okay, whatever, that's fine, I'm sure there was a reason. Night goes on and people are hanging out between the different rooms/kitchen, but most of the night my girlfriend isn't in the same room as me for one reason or another. I wonder into the one room where a few people are looking at a poster on the wall together, my girlfriend and the guy i didn't know where standing in the back of the group with their arms around eachother (okay, that's fine, she likes to hug her friends). But her hand was rubbing up and down his back under his shirt. I came up and said hey to my girlfriend and she quickly stopped and turned and hugged me.
Okay, I guess maybe she's just too drunk to realize what she's doing? I went back to the living room where her bestfriend and her boyfriend was and sat down. "Do you know who [new guy] is?", "Yeah, why?" "well I walked into the other room and they seemed pretty cosey, I'm probably over reacting but they had their arms around eachother and she was rubbing his back underneath his shirt". "underneath his shirt? that's weird, I'm sure she just doesn't know what she's doing".
Makes sense, no need to freak out about it. Once I saw my girlfriend again I just mentioned it to her casually and she said "really? I dont remember doing that, I probably didnt know what I was doing". Okay, that's fine, she seems drunker than she normally does get. But again, later, i walk into a room there's a few people watching something on a computer, and she's beside him rubbing the inside of his wrist (best why I can describe it). She stops when she notices I'm there to say Hi and hug me again. Okay, she's huggy drunk, maybe that's why. I mention it to her again later that she was doing it again and she said "really? i dont know what you're talking about". However, she seemed drunker than I've ever seen her before at this point. There was pictures being taken at this shindig, and were posted on facebook the following day and there was 5-6 pictures of just him and her, pretty cosey it seemed, and just 1 of her and I. Shows that she spent hardly any of the time with me but a lot with him.
Typing this out makes it seem like not a big deal at all, and it's making me feel extremely stupid. If it was one of her other guy friends who I know and am also friends with i would have likely thought nothing of it. But I don't know this guy, and it DID make me worry for some reason. I talked to her the next day about it and she said "well I was just being drunk and silly, and that was drunker than i've ever been so i think that's why i was acting different thank before".
But for some reason i'm still anxious about it when i think of it. It's really effecting me, and I realize this could negatively effect my relationship too if I'm not careful. I don't feel being drunk is an excuse for some behaviors, and I feel if the roles were switched, that I ignored her during a small get together to be around another girl for the majority of the time, and she saw me rubbing her back (under her shirt...well i guess that'd be worse in this case), or rubbing her arm/wrist, she'd probably be a little worried, right?
I've never had any thoughts or worries like this before with her. Obviously I did with my past relationship (mentioned earlier), which makes me think that this situation queued a relapse of those feelings of insecurity that I felt during that time.
In summary: I'm experiencing anxiety was a result of above situation which involves jealousy. How do I get over this, or should I talk with my girlfriend about it more? Also, how much am I over reacting?
Tried sorting this out myself, but I'm having issues. I'd ask my friends but I'm worried/embarassed that I'm over reacting.
I'm a senior at college and I've been with my girlfriend for over 17 months. She attends the same college.
We've honestly have had zero problems yet, except the very very very minor quible here and there, healthiest relationship I've ever been in. The previous relationship was a 2 year long off an on crap fest which resulted in her dating myself and another guy for a year of it at the same time. So let's just say I was really careful after that who I got involved with to avoid another disaster like that.
Given all that, I trust her. I've had no reason ever not to trust her. It's been wonderful and I've felt for sometime now that she's the one, no doubts. Therefore I'm in no way suggesting I want to end the relationship OR am even thinking of it.
This past weekend my girlfriend and her apartment roommates were going to have a small get together with drinking etc. I was also invited (i live in the same building). She told me to come up around 9:45 or so because that's when other people would be coming. I get up there at 9:40 and everyone is already there playing Kings drinking etc. I knew everyone there except this new guy (my girlfriend knows a lot of people so that's not unusual, just saying he's the one person i wasn't familiar with).
My girlfriend was already obviously a little drunk and I asked how long she's been drinking, and she said they've all been drinking for maybe an hour or so. Was kinda upset that she told me to come up at 9:45 (she told me this time after 9, after she already started with everyone else). So okay, whatever, that's fine, I'm sure there was a reason. Night goes on and people are hanging out between the different rooms/kitchen, but most of the night my girlfriend isn't in the same room as me for one reason or another. I wonder into the one room where a few people are looking at a poster on the wall together, my girlfriend and the guy i didn't know where standing in the back of the group with their arms around eachother (okay, that's fine, she likes to hug her friends). But her hand was rubbing up and down his back under his shirt. I came up and said hey to my girlfriend and she quickly stopped and turned and hugged me.
Okay, I guess maybe she's just too drunk to realize what she's doing? I went back to the living room where her bestfriend and her boyfriend was and sat down. "Do you know who [new guy] is?", "Yeah, why?" "well I walked into the other room and they seemed pretty cosey, I'm probably over reacting but they had their arms around eachother and she was rubbing his back underneath his shirt". "underneath his shirt? that's weird, I'm sure she just doesn't know what she's doing".
Makes sense, no need to freak out about it. Once I saw my girlfriend again I just mentioned it to her casually and she said "really? I dont remember doing that, I probably didnt know what I was doing". Okay, that's fine, she seems drunker than she normally does get. But again, later, i walk into a room there's a few people watching something on a computer, and she's beside him rubbing the inside of his wrist (best why I can describe it). She stops when she notices I'm there to say Hi and hug me again. Okay, she's huggy drunk, maybe that's why. I mention it to her again later that she was doing it again and she said "really? i dont know what you're talking about". However, she seemed drunker than I've ever seen her before at this point. There was pictures being taken at this shindig, and were posted on facebook the following day and there was 5-6 pictures of just him and her, pretty cosey it seemed, and just 1 of her and I. Shows that she spent hardly any of the time with me but a lot with him.
Typing this out makes it seem like not a big deal at all, and it's making me feel extremely stupid. If it was one of her other guy friends who I know and am also friends with i would have likely thought nothing of it. But I don't know this guy, and it DID make me worry for some reason. I talked to her the next day about it and she said "well I was just being drunk and silly, and that was drunker than i've ever been so i think that's why i was acting different thank before".
But for some reason i'm still anxious about it when i think of it. It's really effecting me, and I realize this could negatively effect my relationship too if I'm not careful. I don't feel being drunk is an excuse for some behaviors, and I feel if the roles were switched, that I ignored her during a small get together to be around another girl for the majority of the time, and she saw me rubbing her back (under her shirt...well i guess that'd be worse in this case), or rubbing her arm/wrist, she'd probably be a little worried, right?
I've never had any thoughts or worries like this before with her. Obviously I did with my past relationship (mentioned earlier), which makes me think that this situation queued a relapse of those feelings of insecurity that I felt during that time.
In summary: I'm experiencing anxiety was a result of above situation which involves jealousy. How do I get over this, or should I talk with my girlfriend about it more? Also, how much am I over reacting?
Paramore on
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This. Preferrably when she's not drunk.
Just be honest, mention she was being really cozy with this guy when she was drunk and ask if it's anything you should worry about.
I mean: Your long-term girlfriend delays your arrival to her party because she is drunkenly entertaining her friends (and a new dude who you've never met.)
Your long-term girlfriend drunkenly hugs, strokes and caresses a new dude you've never met, who she has been drunkenly entertaining without you being around.
She spends more time with him at the party. She shrugs off your questions about it.
I think she's possibly stringing you along at this stage and I think you're right to be jealous about it. You need to figure out (by asking her, I guess) if she's really interested in staying together, or if she's just keeping you around while she looks for someone else.
Weird behaviour from long term partners tends to = doom in all the circumstances I've seen. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
The one wrench in the gears about this is that she WAS pretty drunk. I've drank with her many times and I've NEVER seen her this drunk before. At the end of the night she was throwing up a storm for an hour and couldn't hold much of a conversation. If this wasn't the case, I would be so much more worried than I am right now.
Edit: she also DOES know that I'm a little anxious still. She also knows all about my past relationship, and from all evidence that I know of her past history and since I've known her she's not capable of hiding something huge/cheating on someone.
She knew I was just hanging out in my room waiting for the party, and she told me after everyone (at least the "new guy" and his friend (who i knew already)) was there to come 40 minutes later. Aka it was like around 9 and they were already there drinking and she told me to come 40 minutes later.
Like adytum said, never an excuse.
People need to show some self control.
I'd be pissed too if she was all rubbing and hanging on some other guy
Her being really drunk is a way for you to rationalise this to mean nothing, but was also an excuse for her to wade into the waters of fucking you around.
I've had the I was really drunk line used on me when my partner admitted to making out with someone. They actually slept with that someone, I later discovered. My relationship was much shorter, but, you know, if you're really super drunk, I imagine you'd go to your partner for affection/touching/etc. Not to the only person your long-term boyfriend doesn't know.
Red Alert, basically.
She already knows that I was uncomfortable with it. However what discussion we've had hasn't been enough to settle my nerves. I'm not sure what additional discussion there could be. Any ideas of how I should word things/what I should say?
It feels so wrong of me to think that she would do something like that to me. Since before this night there was NEVER any evidence to the otherwise that I couldn't trust her completely. And after my past relationship you can bet I'm sufficiently paranoid in red flags and i've never had that come up with her.
1) Get more information. Either you push for it, talk to the guy or talk to mutual friends (or some of her friends who think you're a good guy).
2) Wait, keep an eye out for further suspicious activity.
Wait, three things.
3) Break up with her and explain that you can't trust her anymore.
Whatever you choose, prepare yourself for this relationship to possibly end. It might not but it could and it'll help a bit if you accept this.
Also, the fact that she quickly stopped caressing him whenever she noticed you were near suggests to me that she did indeed know what she was doing.
All three of these things seem too extreme for this situation. I do not want this relationship to end, nor do I think it should. I mostly want this anxiety to go away. #2 is what i've been doing, no more suspicious activity, but i still feel anxious #3, no way, #1 I'm afraid that might do more harm than good. Many of her good friends love me, but i feel it'll just get back to her in a negative way. I just dont want to do something rash when there really might not be anything to worry about.
Yeah, talk to her and let her know not cool.
If she is gonna get all up on guys when she is drunk, but doesn't mean to, then she shouldn't drink so much prolly.
but they're listening to every word I say
Yeah, and you don't want to apppear like the paranoid douchebag. I get it. The other option is to forgive the drunken transgressions, because, you know, everyone acts like they're on the hunt for fresh cock when they're drunk, after all. R..Right?
I don't mean to sound like a prick, I don't know all the details of your 17 months. But on this night alone I'd say some suspicion was definitely warranted. Have you asked your mutual friends if anything is/was going down while you weren't around?
she did express that she was way too drunk. and she never wants to ever get that drunk again. This was separate from when I was mentioning the things I'm discussing in this thread.
Also she did mention to me the following day "did you talk to [her best friend who i expressed concern to at the party] last night about something? because she came to me and said "paramore is upset, and thinking about things he shouldnt" I was confused and didnt know what she was talking about". i said I did mention it to her, I asked her what her friend thought. "she thinks you were overreacting a little but understands".
If she gets that drunk again knowing how she acted the first time, you need to seriously reconsider the relationship.
Well that's not at all a biased place to source an opinion. :P
Your anxiety won't go away until you explain to your girlfriend why you feel anxious, and until you figure out what you need from her to quell the anxiety. Might mean her agreeing to (the relatively reasonable request of) not interracting physically with men you don't know, or have known for all of 5 minutes, even when stupid-drunk.
If she can't help you out there, or breaks that agreement sometime soon, then maybe you'll have a serious problem.
edit: grammar fix
You say something like "Hey GIRLFRIEND'S NAME, I'm still feeling really weird about this situation where you were drunk and hanging on the other dude. I know maybe I'm being paranoid about this because of past experiences, but I really need some reassurance that it wasn't anything important and that it won't happen again."
And then she (hopefully) says "It was no big thing, Paramore, and I totally won't be drinking that much anytime soon, I felt like crap."
And then you either
1) Forget the whole mess and get on with your life
or
2) Let it fester in your soul until you break up with her, setting a pattern for future relationships
Her being drunk at the time is no excuse for behavior like this, HOWEVER people do all sorts of stupid shit when they are drunk, especially past a certain point where things become "do first, think after". So, I don't think you have too much to worry about here in terms of "oh, is she seeing this dude?" thing.
Think about it this way: if there was really something between them, why would she invite both of you to the same party?
In any case, I think you should just give it a few weeks. If she repeats similar behavior then sit down and have a more serious talk.
If there was no problem in the existing relationship, why would the girlfriend delay the bf's arrival when stranger-to-all-but-the-gf is being entertained at the party?
It's just a pretty big red flag that I don't think should be diminished.
I agree.
Comes across like "Hey! Let's all have fun before Paramore gets here!". Wouldn't your s/o be like, the first person at your party?
When you have this sit down, you DO need to talk about how this is something that better not happen again, and if she feels like she wants to be all up in other guys' business, she needs to talk to you and you guys need to figure something out. Basically just get an idea about what she wants from the future.
I do know his name now. We didnt really talk at the party. Mostly because I didn't know him.
Edit: Also, he DID have a reason for being there. Originally his friend suggested this shindig with one of her roommates but it grew to include the rest of us because we were also planning on having a small shindig because it was one our friends bdays (though that didnt end up happening because she was sick and stayed home).
I'm inclined to agree. If this was legitimately the drunkest you have seen her then she is bound to do something stupid.
As someone who drinks way too much quite frequently I generally go with the 'don't drink if you can't control yourself' but if she is genuinely apologetic and you have no reason to suspect it went further you should probably just let it go.
and yeah it is a lame excuse, but it is also legitimately possible that she doesn't remember most of the night.
https://medium.com/@alascii
I had a buddy of mine in college point out one interesting fact though, that as long as at the end of the night she still goes home with you, a little flirting or dancing with someone else doesn't really matter. I'd simply try and let it go and move on, while at the same time being watchful for any other questionable behavior. If this usurper continues to be conveniently around when you are getting the brush off, then I think you'll have you're answer.
Edit: Though I do have to say, the rubbing of the back is a huge red flag and a little bit above and beyond harmless flirting.
Yes, this is a big part of the matter as well. It's OK to make mistakes, especially when you are young. Holding this incident over her head is not going to help your relationship, and it's certainly not going to help you get over your baggage.
Speaking of which, it's also not fair to her to bring up your ex all the time. She may know about your previous relationship fuckery, and she's sweet for being understanding, but what happened before you two began dating has no bearing on her. Falling back on the ex-fucked-me-over card isn't just unfair to her, it also shows that you're not really past it.
People in relationships are still attracted to people other than their partners. It happens, it probably happens to you too. You ARE going to act differently toward a person you are attracted to, especially if they are also into you. Thinking some guy is cute doesn't make her some cheating silly goose and it doesn't mean she is about to leave you. Different couples will have different limits about this sort of thing, you guys need to establish yours. Mainly that you consider what she was doing flirting and that doing that with other guys is not cool.
You probably are scared to death of pushing her away and that's a valid concern. However, if this is how she keeps behaving, do you really want to be the guy who stands around at a party while his girlfriend rubs the back of another dude in front of him and all his friends?
Maybe I mispoke something here, but i do NOT bring it up a lot, if at all. All I said is she does know about what happened. I am past that past relationsihp, I only bring it up because this is the first time i've felt this type of anxiety since then.
Also, I understand the best scenario is to let it go, but the only reason I came on here is because this feeling I have isn't letting me. It really seems too extreme of a reaction for what happened. While I know pushing this subject could be negative to my relationship, me FEELING like this will as well.
I did throw her a text of when she's free today, we're going to hang out this evening and we're going to talk about it. i want to treat this conversation as a "this is what happened. This is what I'm not okay with, I need you to promise me something like this won't happen again." and then that'll be the end of it unless something else happens in the future. I just need to think about how to word it so I get my concerns across without attacking her/hurting her/making things worse in the process.