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Dumping a friend

anotheraltanotheralt Registered User regular
edited April 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
So I finally decided it, I'm dumping a friend. Why? Because she forgot my birthday last week. This is after her birthday was a week beforehand, and of course I remembered.

Granted not a big deal, but it's the straw that broke the camel's back. For too long this has been mainly a one sided relationship and to be blunt I'm tired of caring about someone who doesn't afford me the same.

My question is, what is the best way to do this? Do I go the whole way and let them know I don't want them as friend, tell them why, defriend them of facebook, etc, or just give them the cold shoulder until they get it. The later is the more tempting to me since it avoids confrotation, but it's also the coward's way out I imagine.

anotheralt on

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    DirtyDirtyVagrantDirtyDirtyVagrant Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    If you really must do this, then just stop being her friend. Sort of. I don't quite know how to word that correctly. Don't give her 'the cold shoulder', because that's asinine. Just stop calling or whatever. Do your own thing, and let it go.

    There doesn't really need to be a procedure for this. You don't wanna be her friend? Don't hang out so much. You guys will lose touch eventually.

    Also, if she genuinely tries to repair the friendship, don't just shit on her. She forgot your birthday. Try to put things into perspective.

    DirtyDirtyVagrant on
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    SipexSipex Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Try confronting her about it first?

    "Hey, you know you forgot my birthday, right?"

    Resolving issues works if you try.

    Sipex on
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    PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    For too long this has been mainly a one sided relationship and to be blunt I'm tired of caring about someone who doesn't afford me the same.

    So quit with the caring.

    Sometimes people are acquaintances rather than friends. Defriending them without telling them why is fairly passive-aggressive and weak-sauce. Confronting them about being a bad friend is probably only going to cause drama and do nothing good for you.
    birthdays? really, who cares that much except 10 year olds? shit, you'll have another one.

    Really seems like you want the other person to notice/care/be upset about this, so make sure you're actually going after 'not-friends' and that this isn't some thing to get them to notice you or something. That's the road to silly-goosedom.

    PirateJon on
    all perfectionists are mediocre in their own eyes
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    Shazkar ShadowstormShazkar Shadowstorm Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    yeah uh, just stop caring

    then you will go from friends to acquaintances without any drama

    you'd be on equal grounds!

    it's easy enough to accidentally drift away from people you'd like to stay friends with so ... can't be that hard

    Shazkar Shadowstorm on
    poo
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    psychoticdreampsychoticdream Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Sipex wrote: »
    Try confronting her about it first?

    "Hey, you know you forgot my birthday, right?"

    Resolving issues works if you try.

    yeah dumping people for forgetting a brith day is kind of petty

    how do you know they remember or maybe had very important things to do

    whatever.

    psychoticdream on
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    Magus`Magus` The fun has been DOUBLED! Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Well it's obvious that wasn't the only reason. Sounds like this 'friend' just isn't very giving.

    Now what THAT means, I don't know, but apparently it's not good enough for the OP.

    As others said, just don't talk to them or make efforts to go out with them. Note: This doesn't mean IGNORE them, just don't try to reach out to them like normal.

    Magus` on
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    Sir CarcassSir Carcass I have been shown the end of my world Round Rock, TXRegistered User regular
    edited April 2010
    I'll echo what everyone else has said and say that in my experience with these types, if you stop initiating contact, you'll pretty much never hear from them again. Except for like 6 years down the road when they stumble across you on Facebook and message you all, "I guess we both got too busy with our own lives". No you jackass, I constantly made time for you until the point in which I consciously stopped, to see if you would even notice.

    So, er, yeah. Just stop caring.

    Sir Carcass on
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    RyanReddRyanRedd Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    This is a minor point and I feel stupid even saying this but don't defriend anyone on Facebook, it's petty and sort of nonsensical (even though Facebook is already petty and nonsensical). You never know when you'll need their email address or something like that, and you avoid having to have a conversation i.e. "Why did you defriend me?" like something from South Park last week.

    RyanRedd on
    That's good. That's a good one.
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    DangerousDangerous Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    If you really are sick of this person, blocking their updates and crap from appearing on your feed is probably better than de-friending. Then just stop calling, doing stuff for them more than you would for any other acquaintance. You can still talk/hang out/whatever but just stop going out of your way for them if you feel they're not reciprocating.

    Dangerous on
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    GungHoGungHo Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    I guess defrending someone to make a point on Facebook is the favored passive-aggressive tantrum tactic now?

    Dude, if you care, talk to her. If you don't... don't. Stomping about and sulking till someone pays attention to you makes you look the jerk. If you're gonna do it anyway, at least puff out your lower lip like Dr. Bailey. Don't act like you don't know who that is! You wouldn't be throwing a hissy fit like this if you hadn't thrown away your man card and tuned into GA a long time ago. I bet you get a little tear in your eye every time you think of Denny. Oh lawd, don't cut that wire!

    GungHo on
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    IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited April 2010
    Unless the relationship is pretty deep, or pretty long standing, Its not a break-up. There's no reason to try and tell the person why unless they ask you, just stop putting the effort in. If its true that she doesn't care, the friendship will just dissolve.

    If she approaches you, I would talk to her. And I wouldn't put any emphasis on the birthday thing. I have to write my familys birthdays down all over the place to remember they are happening i theres no event attached. When I want someone to care about that kinda thing, I tell them, Not wait for them to forget then get angry. I'd be pissed if even my best friend cited this for a reason to not talk to me.

    Iruka on
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    1/2 man 1/2 bear 1/2 pig1/2 man 1/2 bear 1/2 pig Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    I've only done what your trying to do once, and I'll echo the advice of don't defriend them on facebook or anything like that because you'll feel like a silly goose down the line, and hey you might be curious to how they are doing. I defriended on facebook / told off / gave the cold shoulder to a friend who I was fed up with, and even though I was fed up with her then, down the line I realized I lost probably one of the most important people in my life, so my advice? Don't burn bridges, try and talk it out with your friend.

    1/2 man 1/2 bear 1/2 pig on
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    RanadielRanadiel Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    This might seem irrelevant, but are you a guy?

    I've notice that guy-girl "friendships" can sometimes be one-sided and often parasitic.

    Ranadiel on
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited April 2010
    Don't make a big production out of it, it's really not that important. All you have to do is stop initiating contact. You'll find out pretty quickly if she cares. If she does, she'll contact you with "Haven't heard from you in a while, what's up?" at which point you can catch up and be acquaintances. If she doesn't, problem solved.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited April 2010
    For too long this has been mainly a one sided relationship and to be blunt I'm tired of caring about someone who doesn't afford me the same.

    That makes it seem like it'd be really easy to do this.

    Doc on
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    DangerousDangerous Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Ranadiel wrote: »
    This might seem irrelevant, but are you a guy?

    I've notice that guy-girl "friendships" can sometimes be one-sided and often parasitic.

    Good call. Don't know if parasitic is the word I'd use, but my instinct on this one tells me he has an interest in her, is being friend-zoned hardcore and is getting pissy about it.

    Course I am probably way off base, but I have been listening to a lot of loveline lately. :(

    Dangerous on
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    T-boltT-bolt Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Ranadiel wrote: »
    This might seem irrelevant, but are you a guy?

    I've notice that guy-girl "friendships" can sometimes be one-sided and often parasitic.
    Yeah this would be good to know. If you have (or had) a thing for her and she knows it, then I've been there before. Twice. Both seemed to only be interested in hanging out (or just IMing) when they wanted attention. I realised this, realised I didn't need that kind of relationship and just let the friendships slip. No grand declaration, no "de-friending", no drama. Just didn't make an effort to keep up the friendship.

    T-bolt on
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    RanadielRanadiel Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    If it is in fact, the situation as described above, then providing said drama will simply be playing into their hands.

    I was actually involved in one of these, where the girl swore she liked me, but didn't have the time to actually spend any time with me whatsoever and just wanted to IM and text, or give an extremely rare phone call.

    The point our "friendship" was something that she could put on and take off the shelf whenever it suited her. It was parasitic. When I stopped messaging her, she started to text me more frequently, asking how I was doing or what was up with me. I slipped a couple of times and fell back into chatting with her, but we fell into the exact same pattern. I finally cut her off cold turkey and am better off for it.

    Ranadiel on
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    BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    don't do any grand gestures, they are immature and melodramatic. just stop making the effort. if she starts making a good effort in the absence of your effort, then maybe she does care, and you'd be foolish to stop the friendship.

    but, it is likely she won't, and you can just drift away and find better people to care about. don't ignore her, don't go back to the highschool mentality of huge drama, just relegate her to a lesser and lesser role, see if she cares, and if she doesn't soon she'll just be another face on your friends list.

    Belruel on
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    CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Dangerous wrote: »
    Ranadiel wrote: »
    This might seem irrelevant, but are you a guy?

    I've notice that guy-girl "friendships" can sometimes be one-sided and often parasitic.

    Good call. Don't know if parasitic is the word I'd use, but my instinct on this one tells me he has an interest in her, is being friend-zoned hardcore and is getting pissy about it.

    Course I am probably way off base, but I have been listening to a lot of loveline lately. :(

    Yeah that's the vibe I get too.

    Sounds like you want to be missed and have her crawling back to you. Not gonna happen, if she valued you that much you wouldn't be in this situation now.

    Do what everyone else said and just stop reaching out. Making a pantomime of it with all this "de-friending" bullshit makes you look passive aggressive and petty.

    And yes guy-girl friendships tend to be one sided. Learn to live with it if you want female friends.

    Casual on
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    BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    but they are not always like that, and it is unfair to paint all women/men with the same brush. not all women will string along a guy for an emotional fallback, and not all guys will cling to a girl who obviously isn't sincerely interested.

    Some people do have self respect.

    Belruel on
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    RanadielRanadiel Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Belruel wrote: »
    but they are not always like that, and it is unfair to paint all women/men with the same brush. not all women will string along a guy for an emotional fallback, and not all guys will cling to a girl who obviously isn't sincerely interested.

    Some people do have self respect.

    Hence why I included the word "sometimes."

    Ranadiel on
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    IogaIoga Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Relax. You're mad about having your emotions wasted on this girl "friend"

    Well you can't do anything about that. What's done is done, move on with your life. Happiness is the best revenge.

    Ioga on
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    BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Ranadiel wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    but they are not always like that, and it is unfair to paint all women/men with the same brush. not all women will string along a guy for an emotional fallback, and not all guys will cling to a girl who obviously isn't sincerely interested.

    Some people do have self respect.

    Hence why I included the word "sometimes."

    yes, and that is why I didn't jump out all spouting and "YOU GUYS ARE DUMB". but when dude after dude comes in here, and some of them seem to think that it has to be a usual thing, it irks me. It makes other people think it is how it has to be, and a couple of my guy friends got really dumb after being in that kind of situation that went sour, and then they turn on me, because of course it must be all friendships with girls that are bad.

    and it makes me sad to see all you duders so downtrodden with this kind of thing, and I know it makes some people unwilling to initiate a healthy friendship with women down the line. So it is good to interject with a bit of common sense, to remind people that it's not hopeless.

    Belruel on
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    RebeccaRebecca Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Casual wrote: »
    Dangerous wrote: »
    Ranadiel wrote: »
    This might seem irrelevant, but are you a guy?

    I've notice that guy-girl "friendships" can sometimes be one-sided and often parasitic.

    Good call. Don't know if parasitic is the word I'd use, but my instinct on this one tells me he has an interest in her, is being friend-zoned hardcore and is getting pissy about it.

    Course I am probably way off base, but I have been listening to a lot of loveline lately. :(

    Yeah that's the vibe I get too.

    Sounds like you want to be missed and have her crawling back to you. Not gonna happen, if she valued you that much you wouldn't be in this situation now.

    Do what everyone else said and just stop reaching out. Making a pantomime of it with all this "de-friending" bullshit makes you look passive aggressive and petty.

    And yes guy-girl friendships tend to be one sided. Learn to live with it if you want female friends.



    I think it was the lime line that Belruel was commenting on. Least I am :)

    If you don't want a one sided friendship don't be in one. Good friends are hard to find regardless if they are female. Go out, enjoy your self, meet new people and hopefully you'll find a decent person and become friends.

    Rebecca on
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    BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Yeah that's the one.

    Belruel on
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    SarksusSarksus ATTACK AND DETHRONE GODRegistered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Um, yeah, seriously, if they're one-sided it's not just because one person is male and the other is female. It's usually more complicated than that and generalities aren't very helpful. But this is something that could quickly turn into a nasty debate that fails to help the OP.

    I'll echo previous advice and say don't make a big deal about it, just stop putting the effort in, do your best to care less. I did this with a friend of mine and I started feeling a lot better about the friendship. If it does end then it will end much less painfully. If you end it in a flourish then it's just gonna suck.

    Sarksus on
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    anotheraltanotheralt Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Like some of you guessed, yes my friend is a girl.

    Though I actually don't have any romantic feelings for her. Nor did we ever date or any of that sort. We were just good friends for some time. Then we started drifting apart, which is understandable since people change and priorities shift. Though it ended up becoming that I put most of the effort in the friendship. The birthday thing wouldn't normally be a big deal, but it was just the last annoyance.

    Anyways, I'm going to do what most of you recommended and stop caring.

    anotheralt on
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    BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    it is also good to note that some people change and deal with things differently. I am a notoriously difficult person to get ahold of, and I go for long periods of time where I just don't feel like hanging out or socializing, but I still love my friends deeply. difference is I guess, I told them all that I get like that, especially when stressed and that it is nothing personal, and I'm not avoiding them, and as my friends they accept me as I am.

    Belruel on
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    The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited April 2010
    The Black Hunter on
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    CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Belruel wrote: »
    Ranadiel wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    but they are not always like that, and it is unfair to paint all women/men with the same brush. not all women will string along a guy for an emotional fallback, and not all guys will cling to a girl who obviously isn't sincerely interested.

    Some people do have self respect.

    Hence why I included the word "sometimes."

    yes, and that is why I didn't jump out all spouting and "YOU GUYS ARE DUMB". but when dude after dude comes in here, and some of them seem to think that it has to be a usual thing, it irks me. It makes other people think it is how it has to be, and a couple of my guy friends got really dumb after being in that kind of situation that went sour, and then they turn on me, because of course it must be all friendships with girls that are bad.

    and it makes me sad to see all you duders so downtrodden with this kind of thing, and I know it makes some people unwilling to initiate a healthy friendship with women down the line. So it is good to interject with a bit of common sense, to remind people that it's not hopeless.

    Obviously there are exceptions to every rule. I didn't say every male-female friendship is like that but it does seem to be common. Nor should guys give up on healthy friendships with women, or that those friendships are parasitic. That's not what I was saying at all.

    All I meant is usually you should be prepared to be making more calls then you receive.

    Casual on
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    RitchmeisterRitchmeister Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    anotheralt wrote: »
    Like some of you guessed, yes my friend is a girl.

    Though I actually don't have any romantic feelings for her. Nor did we ever date or any of that sort. We were just good friends for some time. Then we started drifting apart, which is understandable since people change and priorities shift. Though it ended up becoming that I put most of the effort in the friendship. The birthday thing wouldn't normally be a big deal, but it was just the last annoyance.

    Anyways, I'm going to do what most of you recommended and stop caring.

    "Because she forgot my birthday last week"

    I wonder how people guessed she was female....

    I guess it will just be one of life's mysteries, like the pyramids, and JLS being popular.

    Ritchmeister on
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    3drage3drage Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    The best way to do this is to burn a bag of poo on their front porch.

    3drage on
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    stahstah Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    I'll agree with everyone about the whole "don't make a big deal about it".

    Personally, I only really keep the people I talk to and know personally on my Facespace Friends list. So if you're like me (and not just trying to throw a passive-aggressive temper tantrum) then wait a few months of no contact before you delete them. Chances are they probably won't even notice you deleted them and you'll never hear a word about it.

    But, since most people aren't like that, I'd say just quit initiating contact with them. It's a whole lot easier and WAY less passive-aggressive.

    stah on
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    JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Place at the tableRegistered User regular
    edited April 2010
    I gotta address something brewing in here:

    if you are in a "one sided friendship" with a girl because you are interested in her but you don't have the guts to try to bang her, and she keeps ignoring your continuous hang-dog stares and stammered invitations and that you're heartbroken when someone asks her on a date and she says yes:

    nws199490628bi.jpg

    YOU ARE NOT REALLY HER FRIEND AND ARE, IN FACT, THE SOURCE OF THE PROBLEM

    and I plus1 the notion of a non-dramatic fade.

    JohnnyCache on
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    SipexSipex Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Where did that come from? That doesn't describe the OPs situation very accurately at all.

    Sipex on
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    JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Place at the tableRegistered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Sipex wrote: »
    Where did that come from? That doesn't describe the OPs situation very accurately at all.

    The responses the other people posted about how "friendships with girls tend to be one sided"

    JohnnyCache on
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    CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Because that's obviously the only logical explanation.

    Casual on
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    SipexSipex Registered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Yeah, and the OP already stated that he's not attracted to her at all.

    Sipex on
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    JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Place at the tableRegistered User regular
    edited April 2010
    Casual wrote: »
    Because that's obviously the only logical explanation.

    Yes, maybe they just think girls are one-sided friends because they are sexist, and that is also bad.

    JohnnyCache on
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