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The long distance relationship.
TheMellowYellow
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Lately, I've been having second thoughts on staying with my girlfriend of 2 and a half years.
history lesson:
In November of '07 I met a girl who is now my girlfriend. We became instant friends and within two weeks we fell head over heals with each other. But, she failed to tell me that she was going to be moving soon in the beginning week of December. Well, the moved happen and she went to Michigan (Originally from Texas) and the week after the move she called me up as normal and asked me to be her girlfriend. Well, In these 2 and a half years, we've broken up four time (Three of them on my own volition and one based on her decision). After the fourth time, we decided to get back together and if we are to break up again, then that's it, there's no going back. Recently due to college and trying to find a job, I've been getting really stressed and been wanting to be with her for comfort. But, with her living with friends and paying rent, she can't save up enough money to come and visit. We've only been together once since she moved and that was for our 2 year anniversary in Dec '09 (and it was only for two days). I don't know, P.a. I feel like I'm drifting away and I feel guilty for even wanting to break up with her.
Opinions, Shared experiences or anything of the like?
history lesson:
In November of '07 I met a girl who is now my girlfriend. We became instant friends and within two weeks we fell head over heals with each other. But, she failed to tell me that she was going to be moving soon in the beginning week of December. Well, the moved happen and she went to Michigan (Originally from Texas) and the week after the move she called me up as normal and asked me to be her girlfriend. Well, In these 2 and a half years, we've broken up four time (Three of them on my own volition and one based on her decision). After the fourth time, we decided to get back together and if we are to break up again, then that's it, there's no going back. Recently due to college and trying to find a job, I've been getting really stressed and been wanting to be with her for comfort. But, with her living with friends and paying rent, she can't save up enough money to come and visit. We've only been together once since she moved and that was for our 2 year anniversary in Dec '09 (and it was only for two days). I don't know, P.a. I feel like I'm drifting away and I feel guilty for even wanting to break up with her.
Opinions, Shared experiences or anything of the like?
Electrical Banana, Is gunna be a sudden craze.
TheMellowYellow on
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Long distance relationships inevitably boil down to having most of the disadvantages of a relationship (not being able to go out with other people, having commitments to that person) with none of the advantages of actually having someone there. The only way they survive usually is if there is some set time limit for the long distance part to end. If it's for the foreseeable future I would say just end it now.
So yeah, have the talk, move on with your life and start seeing other people.
- You both need to work towards a goal within a reasonable amount of time
- You both have to want to make it work
If you do not meet these criteria, there is no purpose to the relationship and you should just end it. It's not healthy or fair to either of you.
Before I keep talking, I want to hear where you stand on these two points.
-Well, we've been hoping to go to the same college together, but that wont be able to happen for at least another year and a half and that also depends if she wants to get her masters degree or not and also if she can find a stable job here in Texas
-I'm losing focus and I've been wanting to spend more time alone than speaking with her. It feels that when we do talk that we dont say much and when we do, its short. We have so much in common and we love all the same things, but, it just hurts to be reminded that we're 1300 miles way from each other :[
This pretty much fits my experience. My girlfriend lives in France, I see her maybe once or twice a month right now but once my PhD is finished I'll be moving to France to be with her. This was decided pretty early on, as you can't indefinitely be long-distance, it will not work. You have to know when you will be together, otherwise you're just causing yourself all of the pain for no real reward.
If there is an end in sight, then it causes a bit of euphoria knowing that you will definitely see each other on a certain date. It also helps ease the times when you feel like you need that person nearby because you know that you eventually will. With no end, then when you feel like you want to see the person, but the situation prohibits it, then it increases that hopeless feeling.
Why should you feel guilty? Two odd years together and you spent maybe a few weeks together? Four breakups? Sounds like it's done to me.
My parents are over protective and also I can't find a job for the life of me.
It sounds like you aren't yet independent enough to have a long-distance relationship. Your parents should not be involved and you absolutely need money.
It sounds like you can count the number of times you've seen one another on one hand? That is pretty bad.
EDIT: Well that was answered. 19 and 20? You're way too young to be putting yourself through this. Break it off, remain friends, seek out your options, and if you can come together in the future give it another try,
Also, 2 days together in a 2 year span is really nothing.
I feel guilty because she really feels love for me. She's dedicated, she always tries her best to want to be with me, but, life is dealing us crappy cards that it can't pull through. It just makes my heart break that she loves me so much and I can't return that with the same strength.
OK, so you're still young, in the middle of college and living with your parents. Would you be willing to take loans out to move to a university more near her?
I mean, you're 19, the fact is that you're growing up and the person you were with when you were 17 is maybe not the person you want to be with when you're 20. And absolutely you aren't the same person that you were at 17, too much has to change for both of you at that age, and being apart will only compound that.
Long distance relationships are sustainable only if you have a plan to be not-long distance, and you guys don't right now and don't really seem to have any interest in making one. My suggestion is if you're not willing to move and go to college there, or she's not willing to do the same, it's probably time to be just friends and expand your activities where you're currently living.
OK, you're already done with the relationship.
Do your girlfriend a favor and be honest with her, rather than stringing her along out of pity.
This.
Right now it seems that you've both agreed to be in a relationship when neither of you are actually capable of it. Long distance relationships are a luxury item, they are expensive and time-consuming and you've ended up in one when you can't afford it. Having no plans to remove the "long-distance" element or even to see one another again is the sign that you should not be doing this.
It certainly sucks, you met somebody and they clicked but you have to accept that there will always be some element of convenience in a relationship. Breaking up is the right thing to do here.
I met a girl online in August '07 (in WoW no less). We became friends and she confessed to having feelings for me several weeks later. We decided to meet up and I took a plane to Sweden to meet with her for a period of a bit over a week. It's important to note that this was to see if things really could work out between us (they did).
Since then we've done our best to meet as often as possible. The longest we've been apart and only able to chat over skype was 7 months and it nearly caused a breakup. After that things got a lot better again but this was - i think- mostly due to the fact we worked hard on it and we stayed with each other for as long as possible each time. The last time we saw each other was from Januari 8 to March 22 or so as a final test to determine if we really could live together. We got through that part and if all goes as planned she'll be moving in with me at the end of June this year.
I obviously left out a lot of details here. It's never been easy living 1000 miles apart. All in all I think what got us this far is both of us working hard to make it this work.
The questions both of you need to ask yourself are:
- how badly do I want to be with her/him? Is it worth waiting?
- How much effort are you both willing to put into it?
- which one of us will make the move to a different state and will basically have to rebuild a social life from scratch?
I've known several others who had long distance/online relationships and those all failed after a while so my case might be the exception to the rule that says it'll never work. From the information in your post it seems yours is in the failing category. You can have a talk with her to see how she feels and how to work your way out of the pit -and be realistic about it, no pipe dreams- but you may have to accept it's time to move on.
Thats amazing that you and your girlfriend made it so far, but, I'm starting to realize that my girlfriend and I wont be able to make it that far. At least not now. We always talked about living together, adopting, having good jobs, going around to see the world.
But, the more I think about it, the more impossible it seems from where i stand now. I'm going to talk to her today when she gets out of class. But like all of you said, I think it is time to end it.
I can't stress this enough.
Long distance relationships require money. Last year, I spent $2,000 on my plane ticket to go see my GF during Christmas. She's done the same. Between us both we've spent over $10,000 on air fare in a year and a half. We've seen each other 4 times in that span, with a 5th one comming up this week.
We alternate, I visit her, she visits me.
Good. Let the two of you focus on school. By all means stay friends. Once you both finish school and start looking for jobs...if by then you feel you can afford the move and are ready to set up were she is/or visa vera sure. But don't hold out hope for this. Honestly, it's not fair to either of you.
Yes, long-distance relationships can work, and as Mojo_Jojo can attest, mine has resulted in my marriage. But, like others have said:
a) You need a goal that is being worked towards, or time stripped off from. Without a goal, you can't continue. It becomes an indefinite struggle with nebulous payoff.
b) Much more than a year is going to make things incredibly difficult. My relationship survived a year, but I am not sure it would have survived two, and we're getting married. There's not more stronger relationships than that, but the simple fact is that very very few people can do it for that long with positive outcomes.
EDIT: We also lived together for a year before we had to split, which helped some.
It's going to hurt for a little while but in the end it's probably the right move for both of you right now. Good luck!
You'll be fine. keep at it, before you know it, you'll have new life experiences.
It's not going to make it any easier, but that's the right decision for where you are.
Life's so full of opportunities.
Just be cool about it man. Don't lay on the drama. Tell her, that yes you care about her, but this is hurting/not working/etc. Be fair, have a good cry. Don't force her or yourself do something desperate just so you can be together. You've been apart for so long, you don't know how things would be in person right?
Best of luck, this will be tough at first but in 2-3 weeks at most you will start to feel great about your decision and will realize you completely did the right thing.
Since I've been very upset lately (Recent death in the family)
I haven't been able get my head/thoughts back together since I haven't had much time to myself. We have a agreed to give each other our space and still be together but it was also odd since she wanted to tell me a surprise and happily enough that surprise is that she's moving down here in three months. She had been saving up all of her money to do so and had been doing phone interviews with job places where I live. So, It works out as a plus since she'll be living here soon and going to school with me here.
Nothing says "I'm a huge coward" like a break-up email.
Whoa. Wait. What?
It's a big step that involves both of you. It's not supposed to be surprising.
Couldn't agree more. But, sometimes you have to go through the bad to get to the good.
I think you missed my point.
I can understand that its a huge thing to move and have a job (Starting from scratch as someone said earlier) But, its what she wanted to do. I've always been the one to tell her no because I was worried for her well being. I'm still worried, but, its what she wants to do.