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Drunk Friend Escapes
eloquent.panda
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I needed a little perspective on this event...
This past weekend my friend Diane held a dinner potluck. A number of friends showed up and it was a good time. Unfortunately our friend, Sam, didn’t moderate his drinking. A similar event happened with him two years ago but anyway...
Two hours into the potluck he was pretty drunk but wasn’t misbehaving so we all just kept handing him water and not letting him drink anymore. Of course you can only do so much when you’re trying to enjoy the festivities yourself so he was able to get some more drinks in then mysteriously vanished for an hour or so. We all got worried and a couple of us tried to call and text him, but no response. Eventually he came back and was definitely drunk out of his mind randomly saying stuff and laughing.
He started to head to the dinner table so a couple of us followed. At the dinner table without turning around he said “Guys I can tell you’re worried, but I’m fine. Just collectin’ my containers and heading out of here.”
We all looked at each other and Diane stepped forward “Sam, you’re drunk stop already.”
Sam laughed and responded “Dee, I’m good look.”
He picked up two pieces of fruit from the fruit bowl and juggled them perfectly for half a minute. Then he proceeded to hop on one foot alternating feet between every two hops. At this point a couple of us looked at each other thinking maybe he wasn’t as drunk as we thought, but Diane was skeptical and continued, “Sam, you can’t fool me I know when you’re drunk. You’re crashing on the couch tonight. You’re not driving home.”
Diane reached over and put her hands on Sam’s shoulders to stop him from hopping. With that angry Sam came out. “Don’t fucking touch me like I’m your dog, okay?! I’m not your fucking dog, Dee. I’m a grown man."
So he was drunk. Sam’s always a gentleman when he’s sober. Of course Diane is almost in tears and I felt a need to intervene. “Sam, bud you’re drunk it’s okay, shit happens. You owe Diane an apology and you’re staying the night, got it?”
I said it as friendly as I could so as not to escalate the situation. Sam slinked back into the kitchen, since we had him cornered. He looked down for a second with his eyes scanning the ground. Finally, he raised his head and looked at Diane. “Dee, I’m sorry that was uncalled for. I’m really sorry. I’ll go take a time out on the couch. I’m sorry.”
His posture calmed down so we let him past us and he slowly walked to the couch unfortunately the front door was also in the same direction and as soon as he was two paces away from us he bolted to the door.
I shouted “Somebody stop Sam!”
Some other friends made attempts to grab him, but (and I shit you not) me moved with agility I’ve never seen in a drunk person. He cut and weaved through everyone in his path eventually making it through the front door which was kept open. We followed in hot pursuit outside and gave some chase before he disappeared into the darkness of the city.
None of us knew where he parked so thought about our options. We broke up into pairs and searched the adjacent blocks around Diane’s house looking for Sam and/or Sam’s car which we were all familiar with. Unfortunately, we didn’t find him or the car. We called him again and texted, but no dice.
It wasn’t until the next day did we get a response from him. He somehow made it back home (20 minute drive outside the city) safe. He apologized profusely and told us he didn’t remember anything past two hours into the potluck and was freaking out when he woke up at home. My questions are... Isn’t alcohol supposed to impair motor coordination? And how do we know he doesn’t really remember? Could we have handled the situation in a better way?
This past weekend my friend Diane held a dinner potluck. A number of friends showed up and it was a good time. Unfortunately our friend, Sam, didn’t moderate his drinking. A similar event happened with him two years ago but anyway...
Two hours into the potluck he was pretty drunk but wasn’t misbehaving so we all just kept handing him water and not letting him drink anymore. Of course you can only do so much when you’re trying to enjoy the festivities yourself so he was able to get some more drinks in then mysteriously vanished for an hour or so. We all got worried and a couple of us tried to call and text him, but no response. Eventually he came back and was definitely drunk out of his mind randomly saying stuff and laughing.
He started to head to the dinner table so a couple of us followed. At the dinner table without turning around he said “Guys I can tell you’re worried, but I’m fine. Just collectin’ my containers and heading out of here.”
We all looked at each other and Diane stepped forward “Sam, you’re drunk stop already.”
Sam laughed and responded “Dee, I’m good look.”
He picked up two pieces of fruit from the fruit bowl and juggled them perfectly for half a minute. Then he proceeded to hop on one foot alternating feet between every two hops. At this point a couple of us looked at each other thinking maybe he wasn’t as drunk as we thought, but Diane was skeptical and continued, “Sam, you can’t fool me I know when you’re drunk. You’re crashing on the couch tonight. You’re not driving home.”
Diane reached over and put her hands on Sam’s shoulders to stop him from hopping. With that angry Sam came out. “Don’t fucking touch me like I’m your dog, okay?! I’m not your fucking dog, Dee. I’m a grown man."
So he was drunk. Sam’s always a gentleman when he’s sober. Of course Diane is almost in tears and I felt a need to intervene. “Sam, bud you’re drunk it’s okay, shit happens. You owe Diane an apology and you’re staying the night, got it?”
I said it as friendly as I could so as not to escalate the situation. Sam slinked back into the kitchen, since we had him cornered. He looked down for a second with his eyes scanning the ground. Finally, he raised his head and looked at Diane. “Dee, I’m sorry that was uncalled for. I’m really sorry. I’ll go take a time out on the couch. I’m sorry.”
His posture calmed down so we let him past us and he slowly walked to the couch unfortunately the front door was also in the same direction and as soon as he was two paces away from us he bolted to the door.
I shouted “Somebody stop Sam!”
Some other friends made attempts to grab him, but (and I shit you not) me moved with agility I’ve never seen in a drunk person. He cut and weaved through everyone in his path eventually making it through the front door which was kept open. We followed in hot pursuit outside and gave some chase before he disappeared into the darkness of the city.
None of us knew where he parked so thought about our options. We broke up into pairs and searched the adjacent blocks around Diane’s house looking for Sam and/or Sam’s car which we were all familiar with. Unfortunately, we didn’t find him or the car. We called him again and texted, but no dice.
It wasn’t until the next day did we get a response from him. He somehow made it back home (20 minute drive outside the city) safe. He apologized profusely and told us he didn’t remember anything past two hours into the potluck and was freaking out when he woke up at home. My questions are... Isn’t alcohol supposed to impair motor coordination? And how do we know he doesn’t really remember? Could we have handled the situation in a better way?
eloquent.panda on
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But seriously, you have to realize that you made every reasonable effort to help this guy. He obviously didn't want it and felt like driving in his fucked up condition. If you want to ease your conscience or potential liability in the future, don't let him drink at your parties. If he asks why, cite this fiasco as the reason.
1. Don't invite the crazy drunk guy out
2. If the crazy drunk guy does come out, take his keys or require public transport.
but they're listening to every word I say
what, you mean like kidnapping? What's wrong with that?
This. I don't know how where you are but in some states under Host laws the person holding the party would be in some deep shit if he caused an accident. You knew he was driving drunk and didn't do anything about it. What you should have done was called the police. Drunk driving isn't a "oops shit happens" moment, it's really dangerous and you don't just hope for the best.
There's almost nothing you can do to stop someone who is determined to leave. I mean, yes, you could beat him unconscious... but other than that, he'd either find a way to sneak out, or he'd sleep on the couch and wake up 30 minutes later to pee and drive home drunk then. Either stop inviting him, or make sure he's not the one driving to the event. Even if he promises he won't do anything, promises made while sober mean close to nothing when you are drunk enough to black out, like he claims.
I would also say that while I can't vouch for Sam blacking out like he claims, it's a very real possibility. When I was at my worst, I would say I blacked out about 2-3 times a week-- not just when bad things happened, but even if in reality I just paid my tab and went home, I would remember nothing from about an hour before I left until I woke up. It got to the point where I would keep a notepad in my pocket to write down notes like "nothing bad happened tonight, you paid" to figure out what happened the next morning.
I should really stop talking about this, it makes me realize how sad this is.
wow.
Okay, this is something I'm totally not proud of, but once, in the early days of me drinking and being away from home, I blacked out while driving for a good five ten minutes. I'm not shitting you, I remember getting in my car, driving on the streets, and then...there's like a ten minute gap, and suddenly I'm driving on the highway.
Fucking scared the shit out of me. I pulled over as quickly as I could and just chill for a good while. So yeah, it's entirely possible he made it hope and doesn't remember.
This can happen even if you aren't drinking. It's tunnel vision and you just drive in a daze and suddenly snap out of it and have no idea what you drove through or passed in the last ten minutes or more. I've had it happen to me frequently in the past. Not so often now. Maybe I'm getting better sleep finally.
It sounds like they did every reasonable action to keep him in the house.
Obviously in future they should insist that he doesn't drive to the party because he won't be driving home, but there really wasn't much more they could have done. Even if he had gone to sleep they'd have had to take his keys away from him, things could have gotten violent.
The only thing I can think of that they could have done but didn't is call the police and advise them that their friend has done this and to keep an eye out for him. I personally would do this, because although it is kind of dobbing in a friend, telling the police doesn't make them that much more likely to actually catch him, and it covers your butt in the case if he actually does get caught. But I can understand how many people would be reluctant to do it against a friend, especially if he's a close friend.
I dunno if I'll be unpopular for saying this, but uh I don't think I'd ever call the police on my friend, even if he ran off drunk to drive home. I'd even go so far as to think I would feel a person who called the police in that situation was a huge dick yet I can't explain why. Weird.
I would feel the person who called the police was a dick as well but if your country does have a law about a drunk driver who caused an accident after leaving your residence, you really want to make sure yourself is at least covered.
This cracks me up every time...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUbHnRR1z3E
I don't think there's anything unexplainable about it. Social norms dictate that you're supposed to stick up for your friends, while anyone they might injure are probably strangers and are hypotheticals in any case, and everyone thinks drunk driving accidents and fatalities are just things you hear on the news or read in the paper.
EDIT: Well, until it happens to someone you know, obviously.
OP, you're friend made it home by the grace of god and he's damn lucky he didn't kill himself or someone else. And ask yourself how you'd feel if he had and you didn't do anything to stop it. If he pulls this again you tell him that if he leaves you're calling the cops and the follow through before you give him another chance to kill someone.
way to be a silly goose about it. Orogogus just stated what the mindset of the majority of the populace is, he didn't condone it.
Yes, the LIFE of someone, even a stranger, should be more important to you than not being a dick to your friend, but it just doesn't go through your head like that until you've had a personal experience. Its just the way most humans are and no one can't change that no matter how much they bluster and hurfblurf.
I agree with you, the OP's friend is incredibly lucky that he didn't kill someone and they need to be more careful in the future about when he drinks, but condemning them for something already done achieves nothing.
Not really. It's actually quite good advice, though I share Cognisseur's stance that on a gut level, it feels like the wrong thing. That's just the social contract kicking in, that you don't call the cops on your buddy.
But, calling the cops on your buddy when he's out there, blacked out and driving around is absolutely the right thing to do. VoC is being unnecessarily harsh here, but he's not being unreasonable. The OP wants to know if he could have done something more. Yes, he could have called the cops. It might ruin the friendship, but his friend might have ruined a family that night.
But, that's all said and done. Recriminations will accomplish nothing at this point, and he can only alter his behavior going forward. A lot of people have given some good advice in that regard. Lay down ultimatums in these situations like nobody's business. He either gives up his keys, or he's not getting drunk. If he somehow gets the keys, or gets drunk without giving over the keys, let him know, that in no uncertain terms, if he leaves and gets in his car, you will be calling the cops on his ass. Hopefully the threat of that kind of shit-storm will get through to even an alcoholic like him.
Edit: On second reading, I see INeedNoSalt agrees with my position, and I just read him incorrectly. Carry on.
This, seriously. While you should have done everything you could have reasonably at the end of the night to make sure he didn't drive, when he started getting drunk you don't go 'OH MY GOD EVERYONE GET OVER HERE AND SURROUND HIM HE'S BELLIGERENT YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, CRIMINAL SCUM."
Very poor way to handle things.
Or maybe have a tip in, everyone puts up like 5 bucks at the start of the night that goes to cabs if anyone gets faced enough to need one. Refund people if it isn't needed that night, or if your parties are generally at your place anyways just have it as a fund.
You can't keep people against their will, it's illegal!
I am not excusing his behaivour because he should not drive drunk.
Your responsibilities are to inform him he is drunk and offer him a place to sleep.
If he then decides to drive then sure call the cops on his drunk arse and have him arrested.
You can't imprison people in your house. What you can do is tell him that in your house you are going to have a policy with him that if he wants to come around he is welcome to not and drive home. If he is going to drink he is going to give you his keys beforehand. These are the rules of your house and if he does not follow them then he will not be welcome.
Satans..... hints.....
Don't just take his keys.
Take everyones.
Despite the fact that he wasn't acting responsibly and your other friends do, singling him out as the "bad guy" will just make things worse.
Satans..... hints.....
months, we usually get one person to take control of the situation.
On another note don't go to your friend mad, he's not doing anything wrong by drinking. Approach it as a hey I want to take you home get some guy time in instead of calling his abilities into question. No one wants to admit they can't do something.
I have to admit though I had a time like this where I didn't remember how I got home, so to speak. I knew I was aware of everything at the time, but I couldn't recall the drive home at all the next day. This is kinda a weird way to put it but it was almost like Deja vu in reverse. You know that weird feeling that goes along with remembering something you haven't done yet.
I don't understand why he didn't want to crash on the couch. Is it one of those terribly uncomfortable futons?
I would prefer to have my friend angry at me, than dead from a car accident.
So, are we telling drunk friend stories or what?
What? No. I'm pretty sure you can take the dude's keys away as soon as you invite him to any event involving alcohol now. I hate cops, which is probably why I wouldn't call them, but I'm not a big proponent of drunk driving.
"Yeah, give me your keys or you're not coming. Why? Because you were a stupid fuckwad, got drunk, insulted and worried us, and ran off to do something reckless, and this isn't the first time."
It seems to me that if he gets this terribly and uncontrollably drunk when there is alcohol available even at entirely socially-inappropriate times (like when everyone else is NOT doing so), and then comes back and apologizes to you profusely saying he made an ass of himself, and then does it again, it may be that he has a real and serious problem.
If that's the case, you aren't making it better by serving him. You may want to consider either A) taking keys at the door like everyone says and refusing to serve them if they don't hand said keys over (then HIDE them);
C sucks because then no one gets to relax with a drink there, but you get to keep your friend, and you get to invite him anyway, and you don't provide him with the opportunity in the first place to be a gaping asshole and kill someone and leave you legally responsible.
And if you guys can't part with your booze, ^ what Cognisseur said. I would make part of accepting the apology at all the stipulation that at future events he either doesn't drive or gives someone his keys for safe-keeping. He gave up the right to have his feelings spared on this one by getting repeatedly blackout-drunk and then driving home like an idiot. No, I really don't care if he doesn't remember what happened, if he knows he blacks out and can't control himself when he starts drinking, and does it anyway, he's responsible no matter what.
It was not BYOB but more feel free to contribute alcohol as your potluck item. There were two cases of light beer open to everyone and a couple other people brought various six and twelve packs.
I mentioned that a similar thing happened about two years ago with him, and I guess that’s what prompted our trying to handle him and corner him, which in retrospect probably made him act out the way he did but again I assure you we had nothing but his best interests and safety.
Anyway, two years ago at another party he participated in a going shot for shot with a much bigger friend. He didn’t really want to go head to head with the guy since he’s only 5’8”and Jim is 6’2” but the crowd kept chanting his name until he acquiesced. Long story short it was a recipe for disaster although this particular time Sam was very self-aware that he was very drunk and at his behest we helped him to the sofa. A couple of us kept an eye on him, but of course he vanished. Mind you he walked to this party but nonetheless we called, texted and searched for him to no avail.
We got the call the next early morning that he somehow slept at his ex girlfriend’s place who was a little more than upset finding him there early in the morning since she had returned home with company. She thought he might have broken in, but there were no traces of forced entry so that surprised even her.
All in all I don’t think Sam’s an alcoholic or anything. He just didn’t moderate his drinking that evening. The majority of the time he comes out he has maybe two beers and calls it quits, but we’re not sure what prompted that night’s heavy drinking. There was one person at the party that suggested calling the police but we all felt that was turning in a friend and might have brought us more trouble. You guys are right though if we thought this was going to happen we should have taken precautions. I'm very thankful that things turned out the way they did.
As things are he’s still a little shaken by the whole thing and has been apologizing to Diane nonstop (she’s pretty pissed at him). We’re trying to dig a little deeper and see if there’s been something causing him more stress than normal. After seeing that Reno 911 clip I would really say his coordination was like that except more of a daring escape kind of way.
While I agree with everything you say the only thing it will do is make you feel better.
Calling him names will just make him not hang out with you and drink drive with other friends.
I mean sure if you just don't want him getting drunk around you do that.
But it wont ever fix the problem.
Satans..... hints.....
Unless you are strangling prostitutes or something I wouldn't really worry about compulsive behaiviour if they only do it every two years.
Satans..... hints.....
This sounds like you guys over reacted and freaked him out more then anything.
p.s. at the end I expected this story to turn into Fresh Prince.